Monday, September 03, 2007

True Wife Confessions 205 Sky rockets in flight

Confession #2041

Sweetheart, you know how I feel about you. I care about you a lot, maybe I'm even falling in love with you. And I think you care about me too, even though it's scary for you to admit it to either me or yourself.

But for the love of all that is holy, please please please talk to someone about your anxiety issues. I see in you the signs of depression and anxiety that I had, and it eventually made me so miserable. I don't want you to live through that hell. I know she broke your heart, and that you worry so much about losing everything, like you did the last time, and I understand your fear. Truly I do. But it is eating you alive, and it's affecting your entire life. This is why you're so worn out all the time-- you're killing yourself worrying.

I wish I knew how to tell you this. All I've been able to do so far is gently encourage you to look into some help, and maybe that's all I can do. I am just scared because as far as I can tell, there is no one else you let close enough to see that you're hurting, and I'm afraid you will make yourself sick or worse before you get some help.

Why do I have to be the kind of person who cares?? It sure would be easier if I could just say "that dude has issues" and walk away. But I can't. You are worth more to me than that.

I can't wait to see you again. I hope you don't have to go away this weekend.

Confession #2042

My first true love found me, after 30 years. Yes, here we go.....I know it's a book or a movie!!!

Strange thing is I had moved 3,000 miles away from where we initially met. Well, so did he. Now we are two hours away drive time.

We were separated by my parents because "He wasn't the boy for me". Basically for my parents he was not from the "right side of the tracks". We moved quickly into "town" away from "those" people. Which I never understood, as I was raised there for 16 years, so it was good enough then, right? I went on a ski trip at my 17th birthday weekend, and came back to be moved to an entirely different life. The most elite area of our town. My life suddenly changed and I had no control over it. I moved on, as I had no choice. I had a very violent and unfortunate marriage after that. But eventually I met a lovely man and now have been married for 20 years.

Recently my first true love found me, we talked, we emailed, did text messages.... and finally met again. I actually don't feel guilty, as I feel as though I was robbed of him back then when my parents took us away from each other. So, let's get to the NOW of it. He looks different,,, completely!! He has a very opposite type of life than me, OH YES. I will admit, I look amazing ( I have worked hard on it, I had to for my profession as an executive as well as an executive's wife; I have more money than he can ever imagine ever accumulating in his lifetime; and he's quite large now (I am fit and so is my husband). Large he may be, he does carry it well. I am still madly in love with this guy! He placed his arms around me and I melt, STILL. WHY? I really thought that once I saw him, things would come into perspective. But it did not. Now I find myself planning a rendezvous to be with him. What the HELL? Any advice would be great advice people!!!

Our story is really the story of "The Notebook". Funny thing is, I didn't even know about this movie until HE told me to see it. He said it really was US. He was right!!!!! His love letters are amazing. I think I'm in trouble here!.

Confession #2043

I still have refills for my fertility meds. And I took them this month and I tested for ovulation. I ovulated. And I romanced you and we made love on the correct days. After our last miscarriage you said you wanted to take a break. That my pain was too much for you to want to continue and see us fail again. You didn't like that I became a number at the doctor's office and all of the stress involved with ultrasounds, bloodwork, and the resulting son that we lost. Again.

If this works, I will tell you what I did. And I don't think you will mind. But I haven't told anyone, not even the doctor. We are still waiting for a referral to see a counselor to help us get through our latest loss and I fully intend on seeing that out with you. I hope that you will gain some insight and understand me when I say that "My life doesn't feel complete without more children." You find that offensive in some way, like I am disregarding our 6 year old's existence. Not true. She is an amazing person and I was not lying when the doctor layed her on my chest after she was born and I said, "I'm ready to do it again." I never anticipated losing three more children. It has been devastating to my heart and soul and what hurts almost as much is that you don't want to help me reach my dream of a complete family. I want them back, and I know that can't happen, but I love being a parental team with you. My heart aches to do it again.

Confession #2044

I left my first husband for my current husband. I still haven't let go of the immense guilt I feel for doing that. My ex-husband is not a bad person - he wasn't entirely a bad husband even - but I didn't love him anymore as a wife should. I loved him more like a best friend than a husband. I didn't feel an attraction to him - I didn't feel attractive to him anymore either - no matter what he said it felt hollow. It was a starter marriage I suppose, although I certainly never would have thought that at the start. My entire upbringing followed a religious doctrine where divorce is a sin...well I guess it wasn't the only one I've committed...

I had an affair - my ex never knew. Wouldn't have thought I was ever capable of doing that. One thing leads to another - and sure enough - you don't make the decision to stop and you've done things you didn't think you would ever do. Don't misunderstand - I'm not trying to say it's not my fault - because it certainly IS my fault. I just thought I was stronger than that. Apparently I'm not. Having the affair though made me take a serious look at my marriage - which I had never done - made me realize maybe I wasn't very happy if someone else could pull me in so quickly. So - I left. My ex didn't fight to keep me. Let me tell you - that is tough. He kept insisting I wasn't fighting to keep him either - he was right. But my chivalrous side still thinks he should have fought to hang on - even if I wasn't at the time - because that would have shown me that he cared enough about me to try.

So now - I'm married to the man I had an affair with - happily. It's amazing to find someone you connect with after not having that connection - hell - not even knowing that connection was possible! Do I wish there could have been another way - absolutely. Would I make the same decision again - honestly - I would like to say no, I wouldn't cheat - just leave. But if I hadn't cheated, I wouldn't have wanted to leave, and my life now is so much richer and fuller than I could imagine. Kind of a paradox. I have to live with it though, so I will continue to try to forgive myself - and hope that one day my ex will forgive me for hurting him.

Confession #2045

When I say we are broke, it means we have no money.

It does not mean that you should go to the store and buy two cartons of cigarettes and then stop at the gas station on the way home and fill up with premium gas.

It does not mean you should eat out every single day of the week.

It means we have no money. It means you are going to put our account into the red.

It means STOP SPENDING MONEY.

Confession #2046

You may think you hit gold when you started dating my X husband. Think again. Listen to what he says when he tells you why he’s divorced twice. Really listen. Ask him about his 2 biggest secrets. Really big ones, by the way. Life altering ones.

Has he started making you sleep with your shirt off so he can cup your breast? That is where the controlling starts. It will get worse from there. He will start saying your friends aren’t good enough. If you go out with your girlfriends and he isn’t invited, he will accuse you of cheating. He will drive by your house to make sure you are where you say you are. Heaven forbid you should order supper to go instead of eating out – he went through the trash can and questioned my purchases.

Ask him why he only sees his kids 5% of their lives. His decision. Not the mean old X wife.

He is a cruel, controlling person.

Confession #2047

why oh why does your work get the best of you? they get the joker, the oh its so and so's birthday, i need a prank/funny poem/something nice for them to make them smile. or you tell me about the fun you have with the people you work with, all the nice things you do for them.

why dont i get that? today is my birthday and as much as i love the sappy cards and the email that says happy birthday, i love a good prank and joke too. its like you can't or wont be funny with me. i dont get it.

i try to do nice things for you and play around with you, but all i get is a blank stare back, so why bother? its like i'm encroching on your personality when i try to bring out that fun side of you.

i wish you could be you with me. it hurts that you can't or wont and i dont know why.


Confession #2048

Why do all men lie? I don't understand it. Can't they fucking tell the truth? If you don't want to be with me, man up and tell me that. Don't say you will call and then fall off the face of the earth. Unless you're dead. Which just might be alright. At least you'd have an excuse for not calling. And if you're my ex, don't suddenly start calling and texting me every day. You were a jackass the whole year we dated and now you want another chance to 'start over'? I may be stupid once, but I'll be damned if I'm going to do it again. So leave me the hell alone. It's so much easier not to care. I should have never let you take me on a date, new guy. I finally gave in, knowing you would end up the same as every other guy. Too bad I proved myself right. I don't ever want to give another guy a chance. But I also don't want to die alone. I don't know what to do. I'm just never good enough.

Confession #2049

I know you read this "blog" to make sure you won't make the same mistakes other guys have and to make sure I never speak of you like I once did him. You have nothing to worry about though it makes me smile to know you care that much. You make me tea with out asking, you rub my feet, you cook dinner most of the time, you look after my little girl with love and affection and an abundance of patience. You know what I'm thinking and your sense of humor is as twisted as mine. You challenge me when I'm being absurd, and hold me when I'm overwhelmed. You've got it figured out, whether you realize it or not. I will follow you into the dark and meet you by the swings.

Confession #2050

Every time they blame their lousy behavior, drinking, rudeness, etc…. on someone other than themselves – they’re lying to you.



When they tell you that the child they have with their ex was not planned and was the reason they got married – they’re lying to you. He was a planned and very much wanted child. Do the math.



When they tell you that there are no other children out there – they’re lying. They have another child out there, nearly the same age as the one you do know about. This is another reason why they don’t have a bank account, why they never seem to have money (paying child support) and will avoid having a joint account with you.



They tell their family and friends one thing, and you an entirely different story. They made it so that you believe their family and friends to be these awful people who talk crap about you, influence them to do bad things, and try to break you guys up. None of that is true.



That piece of jewelry that you wear from them nearly everyday, was made possible by a loan from a member of their family. The same member who you despise because of the lies you are told.



They have lied about their past and their present and even though they want you for their future – they’ve been lying to you this whole time. They obviously do not respect you, nor do they think highly enough of you to admit everything.



The saddest thing is that their whole family, all of their friends, and many others surrounding you both – know the truths. Some don’t feel it’s their place to tell you, some have tried to tell them to tell you, and some simply don’t care anymore because the lies have just been going on so long that nothing seems to change.



So, before you go down that road with them that you have wanted for so long - do some research, talk to their family, really listen to what comes out of their mouth, because ALL of us are not looking forward to when you do find out and their little make believe world comes crashing in.

38 comments:

Anonymous said...

#2048
Not all men lie.

Anonymous said...

"ALL" men may not lie, but I've never met one yet who didn't at least "embellish" and "embroider" the truth.

When a man opens up about every single thing on the very first date, is it simply being open and honest? Or is he just trying to get his version of the truth into your head before his family and friends have a chance to give you their version?

And when that same man swears he'd never betray you with the internet girl who swears he DID (and even knows what color his boxers are and where the scars are) who do you believe?

How about when he looks you straight in the eyes and admits he took a whopping sum of cash out of the atm in London (saying it was for travel expenses) only to "secretely convert it BACK to USD to buy you a gift" ... truth? or fiction?

Sure, not ALL men lie ... but mine does, in fact he has from the start, only I was so blinded by the bullshit that I didn't see the train that hit me.

ALL men may not lie, but watch out for those embellishments ladies. They're the ones that'll hurt ya!

Anonymous said...

To 2042:
If you are a faithful reader of this site, then you know how many women post here about husbands/boyfriends/etc who have cheated on them, or who they are afraid are cheating on them. Surely you can feel the pain in their lives and how shitty and betrayed and used it makes them feel. And so many of us would love to have a decent relationship with a husband who loves us. Why would you even consider cheating on your husband with some fantasy from the past? Is your husband and the life you two have together worth so little that you would throw it all away just on the tiny chance that this fat dude from ancient history might give you a little excitement for a while? If you want to live in a fantasy, just go rent the fucking "Notebook" or whatever and watch it with your HUSBAND. And those vows that you said to him....repeat those over to yourself a few times.

Anonymous said...

2041:

Sounds like my XH. I'd find out why the X really left. Ask her friends that work with him.

My XH had terrible anxiety and depression. He self-medicated with a 12-pack a day.

I didn't take everything when I left. I took everything that was mine that he hadn't given to Goodwill for a tax write-off.

Ask around before you fall in love with this man. He will break your heart. Find out why he's been married twice.

Anonymous said...

2042: I feel for you... I had a true love, left my husband at a young age(we are friends now). My true love never came back. Do you know how lucky you are? I know we will get bashed for this, but go with your feelings. He is the one you love and try not to leave this earth with too too many regrets. I sure as hell am not. My wishes go out to you and I am glad you found him....... Stay with your feelings, you won't be sorry. I was........

Anonymous said...

2042 - you're headed for disaster. If you care about saving your marriage then cut the ties with your "first love." Let him live in the dark place in the back of your mind and no where else. What is he offering you that will better yourself?! Tell your husband with the aid of a counselor what your husband isn’t fulfilling for you (and you might be surprised about what you’re not fulfilling for him either). Use this to grow together into a happier, stronger couple. But unless you're willing to throw your current life away for the fat guy from the past, then you must cut this off. Good luck.

alosha said...

2044, I really appreciated your confession. very thought-provoking.

Anonymous said...

2042: You are about to wreck your life, your husbands life and God know who else will be damaged by these silly feelings of youth. Don't do it. Get past it and don't look back. Sounds like you've got a hell of a lot to lose. I sure hope I don't read about the wreckage this situation will bring a year from now. Good luck in doing the right thing.

Anonymous said...

2042,

At one time I would have suggested that you follow your heart and go with the man you love. Now, in response to your plea for advice, I beg you to put it to rest and don't ever wake it again.

That sounds silly, but this is why: You have a good husband. You have a good life. Its childhood love coming back and while it feels nice, it will not last. If you stay with your husband, then yes, for a while, you will feel down and miserable. Miserable as you may be, you will continue doing the things you did every day. You will eat, sleep, shop, etc. You will get past this small trial in your marriage and you will be happy.

If you leave your husband for this man, you will regret hurting the man that was good to you. You will probably regret this forever. As an added deterrent, god forbid that the novelty of childhood love wears off and you realize you don't really love this man. Then you will be doubly regretful.

This advice sounds cold and perhaps mean, but it was not meant that way. I honestly feel for you. Please take this as compassionate advice from someone who has been down that road.

Anonymous said...

7:35

I think you said it all.

Anonymous said...

Ladies, let me help you all out.

all men are dog crap, especially the one you suckered into marrying you, supporting you, fathering your kids and taking care of your kids that aren't his. all men lie, all men cheat. that's the only truth you need to know.

with that said, you should follow your feelings NO MATTER WHAT and screw the flirty co-worker, the old boyfriend, the long-time male "friend." life is meant to be just like a romance novel. think about it...if you are experiencing a feeling it must be for a good reason. just do it. it'll feel good.

now back to reality, this site has some of the most pathetic rantings I've ever seen in my life. there are real people with real problems and most of you are too busy making mountains out of molehills just to give yourselves an EXCUSE to cheat, leave, whatever and not feel bad about it.

here's the real deal. your honor and integrity are more important than your feelings. always. the promise you make to a partner is more important than any feeling you can have.

here is how you choose the right man. one word: character. that's all you look for because it's the only constant. you don't focus on if he makes you laugh, money, what he does for you, etc. that goes against all you know so it doesn't make sense to you. but trust me.

a man's character is evident from day one. if a cashier gives him too much change and he keeps it he's dishonest..period. there are 100 signs like that. you just have to look for them.

one last thing, if you want to see the REAL man right up front, go dutch on your first few dates and don't accept gifts. I know you all are going "hell no" but it's real. just like having sex too early can mask things so can wining and dining. a man can "blind" you with fancy restaurants, gifts, trips, etc., a month goed buy,. you're on cloud nine, you give up the goods and...you know the rest. but if you had to pay for half of everything you'll see quickly that most guys are not worth a second or third date.

Anonymous said...

9:07, you are a whack job!

Anonymous said...

9:41...how so? what do you disagree with and why?

Anonymous said...

2042, if you truly married a "wonderful man", don't you owe him more than that? How would you feel if he did the same to you? An exciting little ego lift from the past is bliss (trust me, I know) but this sounds like magical thinking at its most damaging.

As for "The Notebook": Pfffft. I just saw "Ratatouille" -- I guess now I have to go open a restaurant with a rat.

Anonymous said...

9:07... Uh, no. Most of us find good honest men and good honest women with similar frequency. Kindly refrain from painting us all with your big ol' drama brush, please.

Anonymous said...

2042: My advice? Don't do it. People change a lot in 30 years, and I suspect that what you probably feel for your long lost boyfriend is that tender, butterflies kind of feeling that I think a lot of us feel for our first loves. That doesn't make it real, that doesn't make it lasting. I still feel those butterflies for my first love, but what I have with my husband is real and true and so much better than warm fuzzy memories of someone I haven't seen in more than a decade. I was just a kid when I was with my first love - I was 16, he was 19. I do think fondly of him, but I also know that it was not real, and that memories, like wine, tend to grow better with age.

Don't do it.

But if you do, leave your husband first. To cheat on him, to have your cake and eat it too, is just selfish and hurtful. Respect him enough to leave him with his dignity intact, before you go on this wild goose chase of love that was lost when you were barely more than a child.

2041 here said...

to anon:

He's not been married before, just been through this bad breakup. I would be way more concerned if he had the history of divorce.

but the word of caution is very much appreciated. I am trying to be careful.

you ladies are the best :)

Anonymous said...

I agree with 9:41.....sure have your "big ole drama brush" working don't ya? Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black. 9:41, I find your sweeping generalization a bit a bunch of bullshit and you sound like pookie to me.

Anonymous said...

you know, i'll take the generalization of the "drama brush," though I was being extreme and over the top just to prove a point. either way, it was a valid criticism and, admittedly, I have read many comments on this site from women with good men.

that said, in the second half of my post I explained exactly how to find a quality man. I hope the women looking for one take heed.

Anonymous said...

And 6:35, you are the expert on this? "Exactly how to find a quality man?" Hmmmmmmmmm.......mmmmkay.

Anonymous said...

if you're a woman 9:03, chances are I know a bit more about men than you just as i'm sure you know more about women than I do. but if you don't find anything insightful in my advice, that's cool. but based on the complaints here and elsewhere clearly many women are lacking in the quality control dept. whatever they're doing isn't working and i'm just suggesting another approach.

Anonymous said...

2044- I am having an affair also and he tries so much to convince me that my life would be so much better with him (the other man)- your post is convincing me to leave the asshole I gave 17 years of my life to and he verbally abused me and was completely absent from my sons life, til he got the vibe that I have one foot out the door....thanks.

D (the guy with the "quality man" advice said...

10:07...your cheating makes you every bit as bad as the jerk you're married to. go ahead and leave. but know, whatever you may think, you also contributed to the end of this relationship.

i once heard that no matter what one's spouse does, one's job is to continue being the best partner they can be. if he doesn't mow the lawn, help around the house, etc. you should still cook dinner and whatever else you do as a partner or wife. this will result in one of two outcomes: you will inspire him to be better or you will quicker and not waste extra years with someone who isn't worth it. you will be able to leave with a clear conscience knowing you always gave your best and he/she didn't bring out the worst in you. easier said than done, of course, but it's the way it should be.

D said...

by the way, the same goes for men. if she isn't cooking, giving you sex or whatever, you still should change her oil, take her out, and do whatever husbands do. and for the same reasons.

Anonymous said...

regarding 1:17 & 1:18, I work full-time doing manual labor (scrubbing toilets and mopping floors all day until my feet ache), go to school part-time, come home and take care of our 14-month old, cook dinner EVERY night (and I'm a great cook), keep an immaculate house, maintain nice flower beds and herbs, do all the shopping/dr.appts/etc., run his bathwater at night and lay out his pajamas/towel/etc., service him whenever he wants (without him having to ask, baby him when he's not feeling well, mow the yard when he doesn't feel up to it.....he works full-time, but that's it. He drinks in the backyard and I have to pick up the fucking liquor bottles and beer cans. Once or twice a month he MIGHT mow the yard, but he does a shitty job half the time. He never fixes anything that is broken..I have to do it or patch it up. He never offers to do anything I want in bed, doesn't even act like he gives a shit. I'll tell you one thing, being "the better person", "not letting him bring out the worst in you", that shit is for the birds. I am lonely, depressed, tired, aggravated, hurt, angry, humiliated, fooled....I didn't sign up for this.

D said...

1:45, i've heard that and worse from many women. but nothing i've ever heard justifies cheating, especially since your getting some on the side does nothing to fix the problems you're having and actually prolongs them since in your state of bliss you'll continue to put up with it.

i don't pretend to know what keeps people trapped in bad situations kids, money, self-esteem, whatever. but him not fulfilling his promises doesn't excuse you from yours. he might be OK being a shell of a man and not handling his responsibilities, but you don't have to break the commitment you made with yourself to be a decent woman.

i know male friends who haven't had sex in over a year. i tell them the same thing. until the day you decide to leave, you honor your commitments. emphasis on honor.

either way, i'm sure you're just trying to make the best of a bad situation and i wish you well.

Anonymous said...

Who are you?

anonyman said...

#2048

"All" men don't lie. Just the men you're attracted to.

anonyman said...

PS - some of these confessions are way too long. Can't even read them.

Anonymous said...

This is 1:45. I have never cheated on "him", never even considered it. Besides my daughter, I love him more than anyone, and I am committed to him. And we aren't married, just living together for 3 years. I do everything he asks, everything I have to do, and more, and I am usually upbeat, cheerful, and act happy as hell. I've tried to talk to him, but he always says he doesn't want to talk about it. So I've stopped talking. I'll never cheat on him, or leave him, but sometimes I need to bitch about it to someone else. That's all.

D said...

so 9:11, considering your laundry list of complaints, what is it exactly you love about this man?

Anonymous said...

He's funny and smart and he actually works really hard at his job... He's a good dad when he's not drinking... He's my first and only love... He knows a lot and has a lot of common sense...He's handsome...

anyonyman said...

2042 - if your true love never came back, it wasn't true love.

D said...

2:15, so does the good far outweigh the bad?

Layers of Everything said...

1.45, you should beat it, if someone is not considerate enough to even do what you want in bed, the next man will. Love is around us everywhere, we just have to be open to it. There is no need for you to carry both of your lives on your shoulders alone. There is no one and only...please love yourself more than everyone else and you will thrive!

D said...

Layers, you're assuming a lot. In her comments she has listed good and bad things about her marriage, which is why I asked her does the good outweigh the bad. Until you know that, you can't just tell her to leave. As for not doing what she wants in bed, you don't even know what that is and you're assuming he's being unreasonable. What if she wants to bring in his brother and a one-legged midget? I'm exaggerating, but I don't see how you can just advise her to leave with so little information - though, on this site, that's often seen as the answer to every problem.

Anonymous said...

#2044 - I completely get what you are talking about. My life pretty much mirrors this. Rightnow I am in the spot where I have divorced my husband but not yet married the man I cheated on him with...
sometimes i am scared of myself..i dont want this to happen again..i want to be happy! i hope this works out! TW!

Anonymous said...

2046: Wow, were you married to my ex? That is exactly how he was, to a tee.