Sweetheart, you know how I feel about you. I care about you a lot, maybe I'm even falling in love with you. And I think you care about me too, even though it's scary for you to admit it to either me or yourself.
But for the love of all that is holy, please please please talk to someone about your anxiety issues. I see in you the signs of depression and anxiety that I had, and it eventually made me so miserable. I don't want you to live through that hell. I know she broke your heart, and that you worry so much about losing everything, like you did the last time, and I understand your fear. Truly I do. But it is eating you alive, and it's affecting your entire life. This is why you're so worn out all the time-- you're killing yourself worrying.
I wish I knew how to tell you this. All I've been able to do so far is gently encourage you to look into some help, and maybe that's all I can do. I am just scared because as far as I can tell, there is no one else you let close enough to see that you're hurting, and I'm afraid you will make yourself sick or worse before you get some help.
Why do I have to be the kind of person who cares?? It sure would be easier if I could just say "that dude has issues" and walk away. But I can't. You are worth more to me than that.
I can't wait to see you again. I hope you don't have to go away this weekend.
My first true love found me, after 30 years. Yes, here we go.....I know it's a book or a movie!!!
Strange thing is I had moved 3,000 miles away from where we initially met. Well, so did he. Now we are two hours away drive time.
We were separated by my parents because "He wasn't the boy for me". Basically for my parents he was not from the "right side of the tracks". We moved quickly into "town" away from "those" people. Which I never understood, as I was raised there for 16 years, so it was good enough then, right? I went on a ski trip at my 17th birthday weekend, and came back to be moved to an entirely different life. The most elite area of our town. My life suddenly changed and I had no control over it. I moved on, as I had no choice. I had a very violent and unfortunate marriage after that. But eventually I met a lovely man and now have been married for 20 years.
Recently my first true love found me, we talked, we emailed, did text messages.... and finally met again. I actually don't feel guilty, as I feel as though I was robbed of him back then when my parents took us away from each other. So, let's get to the NOW of it. He looks different,,, completely!! He has a very opposite type of life than me, OH YES. I will admit, I look amazing ( I have worked hard on it, I had to for my profession as an executive as well as an executive's wife; I have more money than he can ever imagine ever accumulating in his lifetime; and he's quite large now (I am fit and so is my husband). Large he may be, he does carry it well. I am still madly in love with this guy! He placed his arms around me and I melt, STILL. WHY? I really thought that once I saw him, things would come into perspective. But it did not. Now I find myself planning a rendezvous to be with him. What the HELL? Any advice would be great advice people!!!
Our story is really the story of "The Notebook". Funny thing is, I didn't even know about this movie until HE told me to see it. He said it really was US. He was right!!!!! His love letters are amazing. I think I'm in trouble here!.
I still have refills for my fertility meds. And I took them this month and I tested for ovulation. I ovulated. And I romanced you and we made love on the correct days. After our last miscarriage you said you wanted to take a break. That my pain was too much for you to want to continue and see us fail again. You didn't like that I became a number at the doctor's office and all of the stress involved with ultrasounds, bloodwork, and the resulting son that we lost. Again.
If this works, I will tell you what I did. And I don't think you will mind. But I haven't told anyone, not even the doctor. We are still waiting for a referral to see a counselor to help us get through our latest loss and I fully intend on seeing that out with you. I hope that you will gain some insight and understand me when I say that "My life doesn't feel complete without more children." You find that offensive in some way, like I am disregarding our 6 year old's existence. Not true. She is an amazing person and I was not lying when the doctor layed her on my chest after she was born and I said, "I'm ready to do it again." I never anticipated losing three more children. It has been devastating to my heart and soul and what hurts almost as much is that you don't want to help me reach my dream of a complete family. I want them back, and I know that can't happen, but I love being a parental team with you. My heart aches to do it again.
I left my first husband for my current husband. I still haven't let go of the immense guilt I feel for doing that. My ex-husband is not a bad person - he wasn't entirely a bad husband even - but I didn't love him anymore as a wife should. I loved him more like a best friend than a husband. I didn't feel an attraction to him - I didn't feel attractive to him anymore either - no matter what he said it felt hollow. It was a starter marriage I suppose, although I certainly never would have thought that at the start. My entire upbringing followed a religious doctrine where divorce is a sin...well I guess it wasn't the only one I've committed...
I had an affair - my ex never knew. Wouldn't have thought I was ever capable of doing that. One thing leads to another - and sure enough - you don't make the decision to stop and you've done things you didn't think you would ever do. Don't misunderstand - I'm not trying to say it's not my fault - because it certainly IS my fault. I just thought I was stronger than that. Apparently I'm not. Having the affair though made me take a serious look at my marriage - which I had never done - made me realize maybe I wasn't very happy if someone else could pull me in so quickly. So - I left. My ex didn't fight to keep me. Let me tell you - that is tough. He kept insisting I wasn't fighting to keep him either - he was right. But my chivalrous side still thinks he should have fought to hang on - even if I wasn't at the time - because that would have shown me that he cared enough about me to try.
So now - I'm married to the man I had an affair with - happily. It's amazing to find someone you connect with after not having that connection - hell - not even knowing that connection was possible! Do I wish there could have been another way - absolutely. Would I make the same decision again - honestly - I would like to say no, I wouldn't cheat - just leave. But if I hadn't cheated, I wouldn't have wanted to leave, and my life now is so much richer and fuller than I could imagine. Kind of a paradox. I have to live with it though, so I will continue to try to forgive myself - and hope that one day my ex will forgive me for hurting him.
When I say we are broke, it means we have no money.
It does not mean that you should go to the store and buy two cartons of cigarettes and then stop at the gas station on the way home and fill up with premium gas.
It does not mean you should eat out every single day of the week.
It means we have no money. It means you are going to put our account into the red.
It means STOP SPENDING MONEY.
You may think you hit gold when you started dating my X husband. Think again. Listen to what he says when he tells you why he’s divorced twice. Really listen. Ask him about his 2 biggest secrets. Really big ones, by the way. Life altering ones.
Has he started making you sleep with your shirt off so he can cup your breast? That is where the controlling starts. It will get worse from there. He will start saying your friends aren’t good enough. If you go out with your girlfriends and he isn’t invited, he will accuse you of cheating. He will drive by your house to make sure you are where you say you are. Heaven forbid you should order supper to go instead of eating out – he went through the trash can and questioned my purchases.
Ask him why he only sees his kids 5% of their lives. His decision. Not the mean old X wife.
He is a cruel, controlling person.
why oh why does your work get the best of you? they get the joker, the oh its so and so's birthday, i need a prank/funny poem/something nice for them to make them smile. or you tell me about the fun you have with the people you work with, all the nice things you do for them.
why dont i get that? today is my birthday and as much as i love the sappy cards and the email that says happy birthday, i love a good prank and joke too. its like you can't or wont be funny with me. i dont get it.
i try to do nice things for you and play around with you, but all i get is a blank stare back, so why bother? its like i'm encroching on your personality when i try to bring out that fun side of you.
i wish you could be you with me. it hurts that you can't or wont and i dont know why.
Why do all men lie? I don't understand it. Can't they fucking tell the truth? If you don't want to be with me, man up and tell me that. Don't say you will call and then fall off the face of the earth. Unless you're dead. Which just might be alright. At least you'd have an excuse for not calling. And if you're my ex, don't suddenly start calling and texting me every day. You were a jackass the whole year we dated and now you want another chance to 'start over'? I may be stupid once, but I'll be damned if I'm going to do it again. So leave me the hell alone. It's so much easier not to care. I should have never let you take me on a date, new guy. I finally gave in, knowing you would end up the same as every other guy. Too bad I proved myself right. I don't ever want to give another guy a chance. But I also don't want to die alone. I don't know what to do. I'm just never good enough.
I know you read this "blog" to make sure you won't make the same mistakes other guys have and to make sure I never speak of you like I once did him. You have nothing to worry about though it makes me smile to know you care that much. You make me tea with out asking, you rub my feet, you cook dinner most of the time, you look after my little girl with love and affection and an abundance of patience. You know what I'm thinking and your sense of humor is as twisted as mine. You challenge me when I'm being absurd, and hold me when I'm overwhelmed. You've got it figured out, whether you realize it or not. I will follow you into the dark and meet you by the swings.
Every time they blame their lousy behavior, drinking, rudeness, etc…. on someone other than themselves – they’re lying to you.
When they tell you that the child they have with their ex was not planned and was the reason they got married – they’re lying to you. He was a planned and very much wanted child. Do the math.
When they tell you that there are no other children out there – they’re lying. They have another child out there, nearly the same age as the one you do know about. This is another reason why they don’t have a bank account, why they never seem to have money (paying child support) and will avoid having a joint account with you.
They tell their family and friends one thing, and you an entirely different story. They made it so that you believe their family and friends to be these awful people who talk crap about you, influence them to do bad things, and try to break you guys up. None of that is true.
That piece of jewelry that you wear from them nearly everyday, was made possible by a loan from a member of their family. The same member who you despise because of the lies you are told.
They have lied about their past and their present and even though they want you for their future – they’ve been lying to you this whole time. They obviously do not respect you, nor do they think highly enough of you to admit everything.
The saddest thing is that their whole family, all of their friends, and many others surrounding you both – know the truths. Some don’t feel it’s their place to tell you, some have tried to tell them to tell you, and some simply don’t care anymore because the lies have just been going on so long that nothing seems to change.
So, before you go down that road with them that you have wanted for so long - do some research, talk to their family, really listen to what comes out of their mouth, because ALL of us are not looking forward to when you do find out and their little make believe world comes crashing in.