The irony is, I married you because you were a safe choice: You loved
me and promised you would never cheat on me. That's all I've ever
wanted: someone to protect my heart. That's lame and un-PC, but I
don't care. I wanted it.
I stood by you through all the moves, all the lost jobs. I worked
three jobs because it's what a good wife does. And I believed I'd be
rewarded someday. But it was always all about you. You cheated anyway.
Repeatedly. You never really cared. You masturbated every day, but you
couldn't bring yourself to make love to me. I'm average weight. Some
say I'm pretty. I don't see what else I could have done to be more
I don't want you back. It's been over a year, and I really know I
don't. But I don't feel any better than I did a year ago. I gave
everything, and I don't have it in me to do it again. I was a stupid
martyr and it's my own fault. I know that. I'm 29 years old, and I
can't wait to grow old and die, because this is as good as it gets.
I would never kill myself. I thought about it, really thought about,
but I could never do that to my parents and friends. But I want to die
young. I have a GYN exam tomorrow, and I've been having weird,
irregular periods. It's probably nothing, but a small part of me hopes
it's something terrible and I'm going to die. And there are women with
terminal diseases reading this and telling me to fuck off, because
they want to live, and I'm sorry for that, too. I wish I could give
them my health.
There's so much I want to tell you: that two weeks after I asked you
to leave, my birth mother found me. She's needy like me, but she's had
a rough life. My brother packed up his family and moved them across
the country so he could abandon them to have an affair with our
cousin. He lives with her now. My nephew is a wreck. My sister remains
an emotionally abusive alcoholic. Her live-in boyfriend is a
recovering heroin addict. Dad forgets more every day, but I love him
so much, and the thought of him not being here makes me cry as I write
this. Mom has had enough and sometimes goes days without showering,
just staring out the window, and there's nothing I can do to make that
better. Sometimes I think the only thing that keeps her going is the
fact that she thinks I'm happy. But I know she's disappointed in me.
She cried the other day because there would be no more babies in her
house. She cared for 350 kids as a foster mother, one of whom was me.
She can't deal with a life without children. I told her I don't want
any kids. The truth is, I do. But that would mean finding a man who
wants them with me, and having more left than I do. I think the best I
can do for my unborn children is not give them me for a mother.
I find it ludicrous that you are blaming me for not being able to pay for
WOW. Do you forget that I have access to your checking account and can see
exactly where you spent your money? Your overdraft fiasco (spending $300
when I TOLD YOU you had only $170 in your account is YOUR problem, by the
way) happened over a month ago. You have had 2 paychecks since then, of
which I have left you the majority; it is no longer my fault you are low on
funds. You spend over $100 per paycheck on food (some is from grocery
stores I give you that; but that is about 1/5 of your food money). I spend
under $50 per paycheck on food, most of which is from restaurants . Start
buying your lunches (and dinners!) from the grocery store, that should save
you at least $100 per month. And when you go to the grocery store, buy ONLY
WHAT YOU NEED, not snacks and desserts. Furthermore, beer is a WANT not a
NEED. I have not bought alcohol for the house/myself in at least a month
and a half (and then, it was only because YOU wanted it). I dare you to not
drink for a month and see how much money you save. You don't need to go out
to Town Hall 3 times a week either. You spent $70 IN TWO DAYS at a bar. (I
don't care if you “owed” someone; if you can't afford to pay someone back
stop mooching off them in the first place. Keep your finances separate from
your friends') Then you spent $40 in a sitting at a restaurant. And I am
the reason you don't have $12 a month for WOW? BULLSHIT. You really have
some nerve. You need to shape up your spending choices; you are not being
frugal, which I told you we need to be right now. Should I just always
pretend we are behind the bills and in a state of emergency just to get you
to save a reasonable amount of money? I realize I have made some mistakes
with our money in the past, but I am taking positive steps to repay our debt
and create better spending habits especially since our money is tight right
now. I changed my ways. It's time you changed yours.
I got the final divorce documents from you today in an email. I sat here at work, crying over them, trying to hide the tears from my coworkers.
I knew it was coming, I tried to prepare for it, I even tried joking and making light of it to make myself feel better, but none of it worked.
Does this affect you like it does me? Of course it doesn’t, I know that, I know that you are well beyond the feelings and emotions that come with all of this. And maybe that’s why it hurts me so badly, because I know it doesn’t hurt you.
I’ve spent the last 3 months practically begging you to stay with me, I still love you. Even as I signed all of the initial paperwork, deep down I kept hoping I could change your mind. I didn’t want to fight you on this…why fight to be with someone who doesn’t want you?
But these papers are the end. That’s it. Once I sign them, it’s over. No more chances to convince you. The finality of it all is hitting me hard. I’m so sorry I wasn’t the wife to you I should have been. And what I wouldn’t give to have another chance to be what you deserve.
I almost left you. I am not sure if you know how close I was. But I didn't. I came to my senses and realized that my life with you - while not perfect - is pretty damn good. I love you.
When we were married and your cousin was living with us, I found the text messages that you were sending her. The text messages said that you wanted to fuck her and that you couldn't wait to be in her arms. I confronted you and you said they were a joke. I said I believed you, but I didn't. I still don't.
We're divorced now. I moved out and you still live with your cousin. I bet you're sleeping together. Gross...she's your fucking cousin. Literally.
I put a personals ad on craigslist to find a married man to have a relationship with because my marriage is shot. Anger, financial disaster, no trust and more anger. I tried to keep it together for my child.
I met a very sweet guy who quickly got a huge crush on me. He was very funny and sweet and funny and smart and funny.
And we lived in exactly parallel universes.
We get to know each other and I tell him everything. Well almost everything.
So we're out together and we're in a very public place and he tries to kiss me goodbye (which we had done before) and I pull away and an expression of desperation flashes across his face for a split second that reminds me of my husband.
As I'm walking back to work I come to pity him in about 5 minutes. Which is not sexy. Then I realize in 10 minutes that I hate him because he wants to screw around with a woman who is not his wife, which is exactly what my husband did and I didn't tell him about.
He sends me emails and calls and I don't reply. He begins to sound like a stalker so I send him an email and tell him that I don't want to see him or hear from him ever again. He replies and says "I understand" which is really laughable and pathetic, but I never do hear from him again.
When we are out with other people, and you use that voice...the one that makes me feel like I am six years old and have done something wrong? Those are the moments when I positively hate you.
I don't mind that you don't sleep in bed with me. After so long, I almost prefer it.
Sometimes I go online and type his name into google, and his picture is the first one that comes out. I look at him and I can't stop looking. I always thought he had nice eyebrows.
But what I'm looking at is the past- I miss the person he was then and that person that I was then. I know that in real life he turned out to be an arse, and that I turned out to be too needy and he raged at me and pushed me away. Somehow, I would find it easy to forgive him. And I also know that if we got together again, it would blow up just as quickly.
But I remember that he was the boyfriend that every girl should have. He brought me tulips. When I was 19 and he was 17 and it was the first signs of spring after a very long winter. How we walked around the square and I wore a brown silk blouse with a high collar, and we argued over the plural of 'rhinoceros'. How we rode around the island on a bicycle. I felt young then, and that is precious to me. I felt younger then than I did when I was younger than that. It was the first time I was aware of the fact that I was a woman and could make men feel that way.
In my life now, there is no place for him and I am happy with that. But something must be said about the gorgeous memory. I miss nobody else like I miss him.
I know something is wrong, but you wouldn't tell me, even if you knew. Instead, you stomp and pout and tear around the house, angry at everything, everyone. I have asked you to share things with me, but you never do. I wonder if deep down you feel it is somehow unmanly to share your troubles with me. It could make our relationship so much better if you simply shared with me.