Monday, June 25, 2007

True Wife Confession 193 rainbow jimmies on my soft serve

Confession #1921

The irony is, I married you because you were a safe choice: You loved
me and promised you would never cheat on me. That's all I've ever
wanted: someone to protect my heart. That's lame and un-PC, but I
don't care. I wanted it.

I stood by you through all the moves, all the lost jobs. I worked
three jobs because it's what a good wife does. And I believed I'd be
rewarded someday. But it was always all about you. You cheated anyway.
Repeatedly. You never really cared. You masturbated every day, but you
couldn't bring yourself to make love to me. I'm average weight. Some
say I'm pretty. I don't see what else I could have done to be more
attractive.

I don't want you back. It's been over a year, and I really know I
don't. But I don't feel any better than I did a year ago. I gave
everything, and I don't have it in me to do it again. I was a stupid
martyr and it's my own fault. I know that. I'm 29 years old, and I
can't wait to grow old and die, because this is as good as it gets.

I would never kill myself. I thought about it, really thought about,
but I could never do that to my parents and friends. But I want to die
young. I have a GYN exam tomorrow, and I've been having weird,
irregular periods. It's probably nothing, but a small part of me hopes
it's something terrible and I'm going to die. And there are women with
terminal diseases reading this and telling me to fuck off, because
they want to live, and I'm sorry for that, too. I wish I could give
them my health.

There's so much I want to tell you: that two weeks after I asked you
to leave, my birth mother found me. She's needy like me, but she's had
a rough life. My brother packed up his family and moved them across
the country so he could abandon them to have an affair with our
cousin. He lives with her now. My nephew is a wreck. My sister remains
an emotionally abusive alcoholic. Her live-in boyfriend is a
recovering heroin addict. Dad forgets more every day, but I love him
so much, and the thought of him not being here makes me cry as I write
this. Mom has had enough and sometimes goes days without showering,
just staring out the window, and there's nothing I can do to make that
better. Sometimes I think the only thing that keeps her going is the
fact that she thinks I'm happy. But I know she's disappointed in me.

She cried the other day because there would be no more babies in her
house. She cared for 350 kids as a foster mother, one of whom was me.
She can't deal with a life without children. I told her I don't want
any kids. The truth is, I do. But that would mean finding a man who
wants them with me, and having more left than I do. I think the best I
can do for my unborn children is not give them me for a mother.


Confession #1922


I find it ludicrous that you are blaming me for not being able to pay for
WOW. Do you forget that I have access to your checking account and can see
exactly where you spent your money? Your overdraft fiasco (spending $300
when I TOLD YOU you had only $170 in your account is YOUR problem, by the
way) happened over a month ago. You have had 2 paychecks since then, of
which I have left you the majority; it is no longer my fault you are low on
funds. You spend over $100 per paycheck on food (some is from grocery
stores I give you that; but that is about 1/5 of your food money). I spend
under $50 per paycheck on food, most of which is from restaurants . Start
buying your lunches (and dinners!) from the grocery store, that should save
you at least $100 per month. And when you go to the grocery store, buy ONLY
WHAT YOU NEED, not snacks and desserts. Furthermore, beer is a WANT not a
NEED. I have not bought alcohol for the house/myself in at least a month
and a half (and then, it was only because YOU wanted it). I dare you to not
drink for a month and see how much money you save. You don't need to go out
to Town Hall 3 times a week either. You spent $70 IN TWO DAYS at a bar. (I
don't care if you “owed” someone; if you can't afford to pay someone back
stop mooching off them in the first place. Keep your finances separate from
your friends') Then you spent $40 in a sitting at a restaurant. And I am
the reason you don't have $12 a month for WOW? BULLSHIT. You really have
some nerve. You need to shape up your spending choices; you are not being
frugal, which I told you we need to be right now. Should I just always
pretend we are behind the bills and in a state of emergency just to get you
to save a reasonable amount of money? I realize I have made some mistakes
with our money in the past, but I am taking positive steps to repay our debt
and create better spending habits especially since our money is tight right
now. I changed my ways. It's time you changed yours.

Confession #1923

I got the final divorce documents from you today in an email. I sat here at work, crying over them, trying to hide the tears from my coworkers.

I knew it was coming, I tried to prepare for it, I even tried joking and making light of it to make myself feel better, but none of it worked.

Does this affect you like it does me? Of course it doesn’t, I know that, I know that you are well beyond the feelings and emotions that come with all of this. And maybe that’s why it hurts me so badly, because I know it doesn’t hurt you.

I’ve spent the last 3 months practically begging you to stay with me, I still love you. Even as I signed all of the initial paperwork, deep down I kept hoping I could change your mind. I didn’t want to fight you on this…why fight to be with someone who doesn’t want you?

But these papers are the end. That’s it. Once I sign them, it’s over. No more chances to convince you. The finality of it all is hitting me hard. I’m so sorry I wasn’t the wife to you I should have been. And what I wouldn’t give to have another chance to be what you deserve.


Confession #1924

I almost left you. I am not sure if you know how close I was. But I didn't. I came to my senses and realized that my life with you - while not perfect - is pretty damn good. I love you.

Confession #1925

When we were married and your cousin was living with us, I found the text messages that you were sending her. The text messages said that you wanted to fuck her and that you couldn't wait to be in her arms. I confronted you and you said they were a joke. I said I believed you, but I didn't. I still don't.

We're divorced now. I moved out and you still live with your cousin. I bet you're sleeping together. Gross...she's your fucking cousin. Literally.

Confession #1926

I put a personals ad on craigslist to find a married man to have a relationship with because my marriage is shot. Anger, financial disaster, no trust and more anger. I tried to keep it together for my child.

I met a very sweet guy who quickly got a huge crush on me. He was very funny and sweet and funny and smart and funny.
And we lived in exactly parallel universes.

We get to know each other and I tell him everything. Well almost everything.

So we're out together and we're in a very public place and he tries to kiss me goodbye (which we had done before) and I pull away and an expression of desperation flashes across his face for a split second that reminds me of my husband.

As I'm walking back to work I come to pity him in about 5 minutes. Which is not sexy. Then I realize in 10 minutes that I hate him because he wants to screw around with a woman who is not his wife, which is exactly what my husband did and I didn't tell him about.

He sends me emails and calls and I don't reply. He begins to sound like a stalker so I send him an email and tell him that I don't want to see him or hear from him ever again. He replies and says "I understand" which is really laughable and pathetic, but I never do hear from him again.


Confession #1927

When we are out with other people, and you use that voice...the one that makes me feel like I am six years old and have done something wrong? Those are the moments when I positively hate you.

Confession #1928

I don't mind that you don't sleep in bed with me. After so long, I almost prefer it.

Confession #1929

Sometimes I go online and type his name into google, and his picture is the first one that comes out. I look at him and I can't stop looking. I always thought he had nice eyebrows.

But what I'm looking at is the past- I miss the person he was then and that person that I was then. I know that in real life he turned out to be an arse, and that I turned out to be too needy and he raged at me and pushed me away. Somehow, I would find it easy to forgive him. And I also know that if we got together again, it would blow up just as quickly.

But I remember that he was the boyfriend that every girl should have. He brought me tulips. When I was 19 and he was 17 and it was the first signs of spring after a very long winter. How we walked around the square and I wore a brown silk blouse with a high collar, and we argued over the plural of 'rhinoceros'. How we rode around the island on a bicycle. I felt young then, and that is precious to me. I felt younger then than I did when I was younger than that. It was the first time I was aware of the fact that I was a woman and could make men feel that way.

In my life now, there is no place for him and I am happy with that. But something must be said about the gorgeous memory. I miss nobody else like I miss him.


Confession #1930

I know something is wrong, but you wouldn't tell me, even if you knew. Instead, you stomp and pout and tear around the house, angry at everything, everyone. I have asked you to share things with me, but you never do. I wonder if deep down you feel it is somehow unmanly to share your troubles with me. It could make our relationship so much better if you simply shared with me.

19 comments:

jenner said...

Um, what's with all the cousin' lovin here? lol

Anonymous said...

To #1921. You are capable of healing. I know you don't feel like it - when I lost my husband to divorce at 33 under similar sacrifices and circumstances, I thought I was done. Nothing more in life would be good and there was no point. I was wrong. I'm sooo glad you know how selfish suicide is. You have friends and family to think of- I lost all of that when my marriage ended. I'm above average weight and not particularly pretty and I found someone who made me laugh anf feel desirable again. We've since gone our separate ways but I didn't give more than I had to give to the relationship so ending it didn't crush me. Rather, it helped me transition from fatalistic girl to independent woman. You were put on earth for an amazing reason, and you will find it. Keep writing - a journal, a blog, a cautionary tale to other young women - anything. It is great therapy. Best wishes for you.

map said...

1921 - I am sorry you are going through so much right now. Your life is so much more meaningful than a man. I have been there, it was a few years ago we were together 4 years...I thought I should kill myself.....6 years later I still question how I could be so stupid....my life as is yours is much more meaningful than one silly man. It may not feel that way right now, but give it time. Take care of yourself, do the things you have always wanted to do....build yourself up....you have so much to offer the world if you could just unleash that anger/hurt and use it constructively. be kind to yourself and take care of you.

cas said...

1921 - I had that relationship. He spent all his money on video games, eating out and drinking (without me.) When he went on vacation, he'd call me for money. When I told him no, it was MY fault he was in debt with overdraft fees - even though I told him he couldn't afford the vacation (without me) in the first place.

cas said...

I meant 1922.

Anonymous said...

1922....I could have written your post. September will be 2 years since the separation, and 1 year since the finalization of our divorce. I, like you, don't know if I can ever give myself to someone so completely again. I, again like you, won't kill myself, but most days I wish I'd get into a fatal car crash. Thanks for your candor....it's nice to know that I'm not alone!

Anonymous said...

1921: Oh honey, I'm so sorry. We all have loser boyfriends in our lives. Some of us end up married to them. You had the strength to get out - and to get out while you still have your youth but before you got yolked to him through kids. Congratulations! That took a lot of gumption. I know you don't want to believe this, and are problem sneering, "Yeah, what the hell does she know?" at your computer...but I admire you, and hope that you realize that you have many good years left. You can be happy. I promise. You've already lost the 150+ pounds that were your Obligatory Loser SO - it's all downhill from here.

Dana - Waist Like Wire said...

OMG Jenner, that's exactly what I thought after reading this.

I have spent the last 5 mins thinking about all my cousins and there isn't one that I would sleep with (not because they're hideous or anything but just because it turns my tummy)

Damn

S:E said...

1921:
You can change your world around, go to therapy (it really help!) change your life style, have a postive mind! You're so young and you can have a long way to go!
I wish that your doctor tell you that is nothing serious and that you will be okay.
Make new friends, look around, there LOTS of thing to do, and you will be surprised how things can turn around for good. YOU can be happy too.
Good luck.

1923:
I am so sorry that it didn't work out for you. Sometimes life it's really unfair, and now youdon't know the reason it happened but soon, you will. and I am sure it's mattter of time that you will find someone that really want you.
:)

1925:
You should be glad that it's over. Cousing? Disgusting!

1930:
I know how it is to be with a man that doesn't share his thoughts or issues with us. I was with one. At the end I just give up.

Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines said...

Yowza.

More proof people should NEVER, ever, marry.

Never.

Anonymous said...

1921: Your post makes me incredibly sad and I don't know how to make either of us better. :-(

Anonymous said...

1922: How old is your husband? Is he over 25, i.e., old enough to understand the consequences of lack of money, and to think that they aren't cool?

If he is, and he's still behaving like that, has he always behaved like that?

Sorry for the questions, I'm just not sure how a grown man could tell his wife despite all this evidence that it's HER fault that HE is out of money. If he's not grown, that would explain alot. But if he is grown, I wonder what else is going on. Is he drinking too much?

Anonymous said...

1928- I hear ya on that one sister! when mine gets mad and goes in the spare bed - i sleep like a baby - with no dick in my back the next morning.

Trouble said...

Dear 1921:

I was married to THAT guy for 12 years. The last two years since our divorce have been incredibly challenging at times, but finally, after 2 years, I met a guy. I'm just an average looking 41-year-old mom, a little dumpy here and there, with 2 great kids. He thinks I'm a rock star, and I think the same of him.

Please talk to a doctor and tell him/her what you've been through. I suffered from anxiety/depression the same way, and I didn't think I could ever bear to go through what I went through, but my life is a hundred million times better today than it was on July 5, 2005. Don't give up.

Anonymous said...

12:47- 1922 here. My husband just turned 27, and I am 26 next week. He SHOULD know better. He doesn't drink often. What I think the problem is, is that he has a hard time taking responsibility for his spending habits. I went through a period like that too, and we're recovering from it. Knowing my financial past, and that I take money out of his account for bills, it's probably a little too easy for him to shift the blame to me. But I must say, we have fought and talked about it since I sent this confession, and he has been making an earnest effort to pay closer attention. I REALLY hope that lasts. I'm just glad I insisted on separate accounts when we got married!

Anonymous said...

#1929-

So well put. I'm blessed with a memory as beautiful as that, and can only hope my future holds more of the same. So far, no one, not even my husband, has made me feel that way.

Paul said...

To #1921:

I am a good man in a loving relationship with a beautiful, kind, sweet woman who stayed over 4 years with a man just like the one you described being married to. Personally, I think he's a fuckin' dumbass for mistreating her. He didn't know what he had until he lost her.

I give her backrubs, make her tea while she takes a bath, and hand feed fruit to her... She crocheted a blanket for me, made potato bread and muffins for me...

I'm so glad I found her and she found me. We will have a wonderful life together. We want children. I will be a good father to our children and do a lot of the dirty work. I am a hard worker.

So I guess I'm saying to you that you are still young, I know you will find someone special. You have so much to offer, I know.

Shelly said...

1923:

You deserve better. You are amazing, powerful, and beautiful. I can't say that I know how it feels, but I know that it hurts. But you will move on, life will move on. You will find someone else. Someone better. Please remember that your friends and family love you so much, and that it is his loss, not yours.

Anonymous said...

Rhinoceri