Saturday, June 24, 2006

True Wife Confessions Numero 7 -Deep Dark Edition

Confession #061

I think I might be in love with another man. I think I might be planning to leave you for him, but not yet.

Confession #062

I want to continue marriage counseling because a week leading up to the appointments, you are usually on your best behavior. When we don't have an upcoming session, you get lazy.

Confession #063

Recently I met a man who I could tell was sort of "into" me. I got the feeling that if I wanted to, I could have had an affair with him. I was very tempted for the first time in our marriage because I'm lonely and have been for years. You pay more attention to your work and on-line poker games than to me.

Confession #064

Just because I grew up in a family of lawyers doesn't mean I'm good at fighting with our builder to fix our leak problems with our house. I know you don't like the sales lady, but we're not dealing with her anymore. You want to fight with them to get them to replace the drywall instead of just patching it, YOU call them. YOU tell them about your allergies when you're not even sure there IS mold from the leak and then YOU argue with them when they play dumb. I can breathe just fine. YOU can deal with their lackadaisical attitude about replacing the drywall versus patching. I'm going to take a nap.

Confession #065

For several months after you proposed, I kept a boyfriend on the side- for the sex. He knew all about you, but I was pretty sure you weren't sincere about the whole getting married thing, so I saw him during the week and you on weekends. I saw him for the last time on the night before I moved in with you.

Confession #066

For a two month span in 2001, I went off my birth control pills without your knowledge or consent. I also poked holes in the condoms with needles.


Confession #067

This morning, when you were pawing me while you thought I was sleeping, I really wasn'’t sleeping. I kept my eyes closed in hopes that you would leave me the hell alone since it had only been FOUR HOURS since I went to bed. Despite what the Letters to Penthouse say, I do not get instantly aroused just because you are pinching my poor, still-sleeping nipples. So when you said those seven words that you must have thought would make me want to instantly have hot porn sex with you, I pretended to wake up confused about what was happening. Because honey, asking "could I get a quickie before work?"” is almost guaranteed to NEVER get you even the teeniest bit of cooperation from me. Asshole.

Confession #068

If I am committing to having sex with you, I expect it to be a mutually satisfying experience. I do not want you to "catch me later", or "owe me one". In fact, the whole "blow job embargo" could be lifted, if only you would abide by this rule of thumb. I don't dislike giving blow jobs, I only pretended to not like it since you were doing such a shitty job from your end....


Confession #069

sometimes you fall into the very descriptive metaphor: You are a gardener who wants to put his tool in the shed before doing any yard work.

Confession #070

After sex, your need to jump up and wash is disturbing. I mean, having some semen on you? Doesn't make you gay. It's YOURS. You've filled me with the shit on more than one occasion. Deal with it.

13 comments:

The Princess said...

OMG!

I love this site!

I must link to you immediately!!

Elizabeth said...

Although I didn't write #068, I could have. There's a "blow job embargo" in my bedroom as well. He doesn't understand that I'm not a freakin' sex robot.

jen said...

woah...not judging, just woah.

TB said...

Holy God, these are awesome. Keep em coming ladies.

Lisa said...

Its nice to know not everyone has a perfect relationship. :-)

Anonymous said...

Some of these confessions are funny, but most of them? Make me REALLY sad.

Kimpossible said...

It's so comforting to know that there are other women out there that have the same thoughts I have, even if it's just about the damn socks turned inside out. Plus, it never hurts to be reminded of what we DO have so that we don't take THEM for granted. Reading some of these, I just wonder HOW some of the women put up with their significant others.

Sugarmama said...

Holy crap, this IS dark stuff! Love the phrase "blow job embargo," by the way.

Anonymous said...

This is quite refreshing.....as well as entertaining. Although most of these entries will never pertain to me, I have run across someone in my life who has had something similar. Keep them coming.....I love this Blog.

D

sick of him said...

OMG I LOVE THE SITE, through most of my marrage (almost 20 years)I have had a "blow job embargo". I thought i was the only one! thanks ladies for saying it! i am also sick of him wanting sex on demand and pouting like a baby when i say no.

Executive13 said...

#70-- My husband does that too. I think he is so afraid of being gay that he just might be gay. Who knows? He does like anal sex a little too much....

Anonymous said...

Wow, "Blow Job Embargo". That is hilarious! You know what is more hilarious? You know how all those countries are suffering from an "arms embargo"? Well, let's just say they can always (and always do) get their "arms" from someone else...

Anonymous said...

Number 70, from a male perspective.. if there's a little semen left in there and you don't jump up and go clean up, you can be in for an excruciating experience the next time you gotta pee.

That'll make a man obsessive about cleaning it, and that's a habit that can be broken, but it takes time.