Thursday, June 29, 2006

True Wife Confessions Zero Zero Niner

Confession #081

I hate that I'm always the one to get up in the middle of the night to see what the dogs are barking at. It's dark out there and we don't have any neighbors to jump in to save me while you're snoring away. You're the one with the fancy new hunting rifle and super-duper hunting skills, and I'm the one with the MagLite flashlight.
Who would you rather have protecting us in the dead of the night?

Confession #082

When you want to order pizza, I know that you ask me if I want anything from the store. If I say "Yes" then you will try to get me to call the order in AND pick it up. What's up with the food ordering phobia? I caught on to this about 12 years ago, so don't think that you're getting away with anything.

Confession #083

Why do you pretend like you have anything to do with Christmas cards? We ALL know that it is me who buys, addresses, writes, stamps and otherwise takes cares of the christmas cards - including the god damn holiday photo of child. When I hear you on the phone taking credit for these cards I want to pop you in the nose. I challenge you to even DESCRIBE what the cards look like this year... I thought not.

Confession #084

When you have to be alone with our child for any length of time, you always act incredibly put upon when I get home. Suck it up. The eye rolling and heavy breathing is not needed to impress upon me that she sucks the life force out of you. I GET it.

Confession #085

I always have an orgasm when I do it myself . I almost always fake it with you . You always start off so great but get too impatient . Then I just fake it to get it over with .

Confession #086

I know this is hypocritical, since I'm not lighting up the runways with my supermodel body, but since you've gained so much weight, I'm just not that attracted to you anymore.

Confession #087

Let's face it-- we both know I am much, much handier than you are with a hammer, a screwdriver, or a saw, but I bite my tongue and let you put together most of the new furniture and do random projects around the house because I know it hurts your manly pride to admit your wife is better with tools than you are. After you hung the curtains in the baby's room, I went and re-hung them so that they would hang straight, and spackled over the old holes long before you got home from work so you'd never know. And I also fixed our new headboard after you put the wrong screws in the frame

Confession #088

I am far more experienced in the art of providing oral sex than I have led you to believe.

Confession #089

I hate that you keep our house shut up like a tomb in the summer and run the a/c continually with out ever letting any fresh air in

Confession #090

I know that you used to give me liqour for every "event", because the liqour store is on the drive home and you couldn't be bothered to buy anything ahead of time. Either that, or you were trying to drive me to alcoholism.


Andrea said...

#083? Yeah, me too.

Anonymous said...

#088 - roger that!

Nut's mom said...

#088... you betcha

Anonymous said...

wow. what a depressing freaking blog.

hey, marriage ain't perfect - but talking shit out sure helps. you're clearly smart, funny, and... verbose. if you put half the effort you put into this blog into telling your husband how to make you come, then he might actually get it.


Sugarmama said...

Boy, #87 kinda rings a bell. I wouldn't say I'm Mrs. Fix-It or anything, but I used to be damn handy before I started trying to keep from hurting my husband's feelings.

Oh, and anonymous, I like to think of these confessions as thought-provoking, not depressing. It's just a place to vent, alright? For the most part, no one's life is falling apart here, and even orgasms aren't everything. Relax, will ya? We're all big girls.

Erin said...

Wow, I saw my husband in all of them tonight! Freaky, very freaky!

Especially about the Christmas cards, for some reason that really really ticks me off.

Cindylou said...

Anonymous, if you don't like the blog leave. Those of us that are honest with ourselves know that marriage is hard work, and venting a little steam makes it easier at home. No one asked you to read our confessions ~you ended up here. If your life is so freaking perfect go live it, before your white picket fence collapses.

Carolie said...

Hey, Anonymous...this blog is a list of confessions by a multitude of women, not just one woman complaining. There, does that make it a little easier to understand?

Diana said...

Anonymous obviously isn't married. "talking it out" just isn't enough sometimes.

Anonymous said...

Hey Anonymous. Shut up. You're a moron.Go get married and then get back to us in a couple of years.

Anonymous said...

it's nice to see that women face the same issues as I do....

I've been called shallow, but I'd rather commit suicide rather than leave her... because I love her so much.

as far as #88... secure men don't care.