Wednesday, June 14, 2006

True Wife Confessions Chapter 3

Confession #021

I don't like my husband's coffee either. I pour it down the sink when he labors over a mocha for me

Confession #022

When you piss me off, I use your face wash cloth to wash my lower lady area
and than put it back in it's place where it belongs. Then I smile inwardly
the next morning when you're washing the sleep from your eyes.

Confession #023

One your day off, when you leave the dirty dishes in the sink for me to
wash when I get home from work, I really want to bash your head in with
the frying pan you used to make bacon.

oh, and your pants do not look good when you wear them pulled up to your
chin.


Confession #024

My Paul Smith sunglasses cost $250. NOT the $100 you
thought you heard me say.

When you asked me how much they cost, I actually said,
“One hundred dollars.” And then whispered, “...more
than I wanted to spend.”

Confession #025

When you go out of town, I throw away all the clothes that don't fit you anymore that I think are ugly or out of style. I've been doing this for years and you've never caught on.

Confession #026

Of course I know the baby has pooped her diaper right before I leave the room and breezily suggest that she hasn't been changed in awhile. Do you think I can't SMELL?

Confession #027

Yes, I know that you like go hunting after work. I know that you like to play in the basement with all your power tools after work. But? I totally resent the fact that you have changed precisely twelve poopy diapers in fourteen months because you're either hunting or in the basement. I know that I don't go to work, so I don't have that stress. But, have you seen our daughter? You don't know what stress is, buddy. I resent the fact that you can sleep through nothing except her screaming. I resent the fact that even though I'm the one with her all the damn time, it's your name that she repeats at various volume levels.

Confession #028

I don't like your mom as much as I say I do. I think she's a controlling perfectionist and is part of the reason your sister is so disfunctional.

Confession #029

After 10 years of being together, I still hope that you will learn how to make me orgasm one day.

Confession #030

Your bizarre fear of white creamy foods is so frustrating to me that I frequently stir yogurt, sour cream or mayonnaise into whatever I'm cooking for dinner just to watch you eat it with gusto when you don't actually know it's there

17 comments:

Dawn said...

I adore each and every one of you.

Daren said...

Thank you for this wonderful public service!

Diana said...

OMG! #29!!! I know someone who has been married five years and she still has this problem too!

mothergoosemouse said...

These are AWESOME. I am dying here.

nina said...

You guys are making me so happy that I'm not married!

Kris said...

#29...I had this problem for the first several years of my marriage. I decided I wanted to stay married to my love, but I couldn't live my life without orgasms...SO...it was a bit embarrassing at first, but I started gently guiding him...and amazingly enough, he didn't get offended and he turned out to be a GREAT student!!!

Bobita said...

Love this.

I'm sending all of my girlfriends here.
Right now.

Hey, this could be a great party game! Have everyone write down their True Wife Confession on a piece of paper...throw them all into a hat...and try to guess which Confession goes with which Wife!!

Well, it might be a better Drinking Game...and more funny if the husbands are doing the guessing!!

Not Nancy said...

I have to remember the sunglasses trick.

Rose said...

I couldn't stop laughing. What a great blog.

Mary Tsao said...

Love the new site, Dawn! It would be really funny if it wasn't my life. hehe. I wrote about it today on BlogHer.

Look for my confessional email soon! ;)

Charlotte said...

This is such a great idea!! I love it!!

Mommy off the Record said...

Wow. #023 is vicious!

Mom101 said...

The washcloth one? Isn't that sort of like getting oral without actually, um, getting it?

Anonymous said...

confession 29, you are my twin

Anonymous said...

I want to shake the hand of the devious mind behind #22

Trollmeister said...

22 turns me on...

tsismosa said...

#22... I know someone who had done that to her husband's binaca spray when she found out he was cheating on her. I guess great minds think alike! I've been struck by other confessions on this blog that sounded familiar, but this one takes the cake.