Tuesday, June 27, 2006

True Wife Confessions 8 - like an octopus

Confession #071

That weekend that I packed all of that stuff and the child and went to visit my mother in 2000? I was leaving you. You just never figured it out. That's when I took your name off the checking accounts? Yeah. Leaving you. With no money.

Confession #072

I am ecstatic when you take off on Fridays nights and I don't have to make dinner and I can hang out and do my own thing, without listening to you bitch

Confession #073

If I work all day and you've played video games all day, and I come home and cook dinner, and you say "leave the dishes, I'll get them" and then they are still in the sink when I start trying to cook breakfast, and you say "I'll do the dishes after breakfast," don't be surprised if I'm slamming around and washing dishes and being curt with you. I can't make your damn breakfast if the pan I need is still dirty and in the sink under a pile of dinner dishes.

Confession #074

You don't have any friends because you are too lazy to keep in contact with them. You are very lazy when it comes to relationships. You prefer to play on-line Poker and work. This isn't my fault that your life is so out of balance. So stop blaming me!

Confession #075

I wish you'd really get your head out of your ass and grow up.

Confession #076

Could you read to your child every once in a while? When did it become the designated mother job to read EVERY night? I like to read, but JESUS - EVERY NIGHT???

Confession #077

Sometimes I fake a stomachache just so I can go hide in the bathroom and read my book or do crossword puzzles. You think I've got indigestion, but all that's really wrong is that I need a break from you. So when you walk by the bathroom and act like it reeks in there, you look like a moron-because all I did was sit in the corner and do my puzzle and then flush the toilet and run the water to make you think I had actually gone to the bathroom.

Confession #078

I know you're scared of the dentist. I would be too if Novocain didn't work. But because you won't go - those back teeth are rotting, and that's why I don't kiss you anymore. It's not because I haven't brushed my teeth yet or any of the other excuses I give you. Go to the dentist, and I'll kiss you again.

Confession #079

Your bizarre need to lock the bathroom door? When have I EVER busted in and watched you use the toilet? Never. I could care less what you are doing.

Confession #080

you suck at being a dad, you never discipline until things have gone far too far and then you lose your cool, if you would put you foot down earlier your life would be easier


Anonymous said...

Wow-these are getting more and more revealing every time. I'm starting to feel like the luckiest wife in the world. My husband might pester me for sex constantly, but he does the dishes and the laundry and tucks the kids in every night.

wordgirl said...

Okay...you keep talking about cutting your hair off and...you know...that's okay. It's been short before and you have great hair be it long or short. But can I just tell you that when you mention the possibility of shaving your head like Peter Frampton?? Dude, you SO don't have the head for it. Remember when your brother shaved his head? Just a little too skinhead/front porch of Deliverance/brain surgery kind of look for my taste. And the men in your family just don't have heads that are shaped the right way for that kind of haircut. Here's my rule: KNOW YOURSELF AND YOUR LIMITS. And another thing...the thing with all the hats? You and your brothers gotta stop wearing them. Just....stop.

Anonymous said...

# 73 I am all over you! Would it kill them to actually follow through on this promise? The number of dishes I have done the next day would fill a swimming pool!

Dawn, keep em coming! and keep the uber moms from taking over!

j.sterling said...

these are so fucking sad. they are so real and so heartbreaking, but so HONEST so i'm glad you have them here

Anonymous said...

Number 72 -- YES!

Anonymous said...

I could have written #078. EWWWWWW

Executive13 said...

#73 AMEN!

Executive13 said...

#79-- He's not going to the bathroom Honey. He's jacking off.

Anonymous said...

#71 What do you mean he never figured it out? I take it you came back?