Friday, June 23, 2006

True Wife Confessions Episode 6

Confession #051

I hate your family. Really.
I hate most of your friends, too.

Confession #052

You know those work boots that you loved and made me move from house to house because they were in such good condition? I threw them out when you weren't looking. And come to think of it, you haven't looked for them for some time, so that proves that you didn't really need to keep them in the first place!

Confession #053

You know how I tell you to roll over when you snore? Sometimes when I am pissed off with you I tell you to roll over even when you are not snoring just so I can watch you mindlessly obey me.

Confession #054

Of course I'm sometimes hungry when we stop by your parents house, but I'll never be able to eat anything from that nasty kitchen.

Confession #055

When I talk about writing my blog and you wave me off with a dismissive sigh? Makes me want to put my foot in your ass.

Confession #056

I will divorce you for leaving wet towels on my quilts. I'm not kidding. I will also cite leaving the toilet paper roll empty, coffee grounds in the filter, and your shoes in every damn place you can.

Confession #057

Getting angry when I cry is NOT the way to comfort me. I'm SAD, I'm UPSET. Being pissed off at me doesn't ease those feelings. Just let me cry and get it over with. I can be reasonable after that! Just look sympathetic and say nothing.

Confession #058

You didn't get a present for Father's Day because you didn't give me a present for Mother's Day. You aren't getting a birthday present either because when mine rolled around you didn't do squat for me.

Confession #059

I want to hire people to mow our lawn because you do such a half-assed job, but I don't want to deprive you of the pleasure of doing your only household chore.

Confession #060

I know that the great "Adding Bleach to my Work Clothes" fiasco of 1995 was your way of insuring I would never allow you to do my laundry again. Mission Accomplished, Chief.


Karen Bodkin said...

Holy shit I feel lucky after that round.

Kristi said...

No. 053? Brilliant, absolutely brilliant!

Cristina said...

Lovin the new template!

Anonymous said...

I LOVE the template! And number 53. *snort*

SaraJo said...

#60 - Similar experience, except change 'bleach fiasco' to 'drip dry clothes in the dryer on high the night before I had to leave town for a conference.'

Anonymous said...

No matter what anyone says ... an IOU is not a birthday gift or a mother's day gift. It is a piece of paper that means nothing - especially if you don't follow through

Fraulein N said...

#056: Word. You don't even have that many shoes, and yet they are EVERYWHERE. How is this possible?

Anonymous said...

OK, 55? I didn't send that one, but I certainly could have. The little dismissive sigh that says "there she is writing in her blog again when she could be doing the laundry or having sex with me" just makes me want to pummel him with bricks.

Ah, that felt good. :)

Anonymous said...

#57, I feel your pain, sister. There's nothing like making it all the more hopeless, is there?

Anonymous said...

# 57 my husband is the same way. What a way to Kick ya when you're down huh?

Anonymous said...

#057 - I feel for you. mine yells "just stop, stop crying, why are you crying" what an ass. i feel like saying "they are tears of joy i am shedding for our beautiful life together" NOT!

Unknown said...

Confession #053

OMG that made me laugh out loud. It is SO something I would do, or at least get a big kick out of :D