Monday, April 05, 2010

True Wife Confessions Round 27

Confession #261

I've reached the end of my rope. I am no longer in
love with you. Your fart jokes are no longer amusing.
When you touch me, I just want to push you away. I am
in love with someone else. The only reason why I keep
you around is for the paycheck, as shitty as it is. As
soon as I start making more money, your ass is gone.

Confession #262

I really think it is your job to teach our little boy how to ride a bike. The fact that you have never taken the time to teach him how is driving me insane! Especially since you spend at least 15 hours a week on yours!

Confession #263

Couldn't you, just once, say SOMETHING during sex? Tell me I'm pretty, tell me I'm hot, tell me I smell great, tell me I turn you on...SAY SOMETHING--even if you have to lie a little bit! Your moans and groans just don't always do it for me...throw me a frickin' bone, PLEASE? Haven't you ever read a magazine article about women and sex before--it all starts in the brain, my love! Tickle me THERE before you go anywhere else! Maybe if you had been saying that kind of stuff all along in our 20 years together, I wouldn't have gained all this weight. I would've known I was attractive and not just some lump you want to screw a couple of times a week just because I'm there.

Confession #264

Why is it that you can do that fantasy role playing with your friends and
on-line but you can't role play with me in bed?

Confession #265

I am leaving you because I hate your fu*&ing kids

Confession #266

You have absolutely no right to complain about our sex life when you turn down shower sex all the time simply because you don't like to bathe. Oh, and no, I won't put my mouth there till you're clean. Why is this hard to understand?

Confession #267

It really hurts when I tell you exactly how I want you to make love to me
yet you never listen. You start us right back into the same position doing
the same thing. Maybe a little change won't make it feel like such a chore
for you.

Confession #268

Sometimes when you sleep, I lay by your side and start to cry. I picture what it would be like if you died in a tragic accident. To be honest, I don't think I could keep on living if that happened.

Confession #269

What guy walks around with hair down to his butt anymore? Oh, you're keeping it REAL, staying true to your ROCKER ROOTS? God, even Tommy Lee has short hair these days. You look like a woman. A really ugly woman. And I'm sick of everyone thinking we're lesbian lovers. It's embarassing. YOU'RE A TINY, SKINNY MAN. You cannot pull off super long hair. CUT IT, you 80s hair metal band looking reject.

Confession #270

Your breath stinks 24 hours a day. What died in your mouth? Maybe you should see a doctor. Why do you think I keep mints in both cars and almost every room in the house? If you get into bed and want to have sex with me one more time without gargling first, I am going to puke on you. How can you not be aware that your mouth stinks that badly?


Constance said...

#270 : Could be a stomach/digestion issue.
OR it sounds like a periodontal problem, perhaps gum disease or an untreated cavity.

Regular 3 month visits to the dentist for tooth cleaning may help.

He can also buy a tongue scraper at the drugstore.

Daily flossing is important.

The best gargles are a mixture of half hydrogen peroxide, and half water. Swish in your mouth for at least 30 to 60 seconds, and then spit out.

Mints that are sugar-free are okay. Mints or gum with sugar in them only make your breath smell worse later.

Smoking, drinking alcohol, eating things with garlic, onions, and even red meat can make your breath and skin smell bad as it exudes through your pores.

Good luck to him - and to you!

Anonymous said...

262-Don't punish your boy because his doofus dad won't take time out to teach him how to ride a bike. Take the training wheels & pedals off the bike and have your son coast next to you while you take a walk. Make a game of how long he can keep his balance coasting. When he has coasted the length of a house, you can put the pedals back on because he now knows how to ride a bike. No tears, no fears. You are the hero.

denae said...

#270 - a friend of mine has a problem like that, he has ass breath. Turns out he has a medical condition where his stomach to his intestines do not close properly - your husband may have a similar condition. You should have him see a doctor.

#268 - I do the same thing.

Amanda said...

#266 - mine bf is the same way, who wants there mouth on that thing when its been sweating for 3 or 4 days and not bathed?!?!?!

Anonymous said...

#268 - Me too