Monday, April 19, 2010

True Wife Confessions 28 Days Later

Confession #261

I don't say that I appreciate you enough. I spend more time bitching at you than saying how good you really are. It's wrong of me and I'm sorry. I'm also sorry that when I get PMS I turn into a raging, insane BITCH. You deserve better.

Confession #262

My dad had come over to help pack up some personal items of mine from school and family heirlooms to store in their basement because we no longer had storage space at our place. Dad left the boxes in our living room and said he'd come back to get them the next day, then the two of us went to dinner. A few months later, my husband and I hit a rocky patch in the marriage. I went to stay with my folks. While in the basement, I found the boxes dad had packed. I unpacked them and found that items were missing. It turns out that while Dad and I were at dinner, my husband had carefully untaped each box and stole some items. Then he taped them back up so we'd never know it happened. The divorce papers came last week. THANK YOU GOD!

Confession #263

Your penis is unusually tiny. Maybe 4 inches? When not erect, I can't even tell you have one. I can't feel anything when we have sex. Here's a big reason for having sex before you get married. Or rather, a SMALL reason. Try before you buy, ladies!

Confession #264


I'm pretty sure that you know how much money I spend and you almost never call me on it. Well, maybe the time I spent 600 bucks at Hannah Anderson and you made me take half of the things back. But still

Confession #265

For the milionth time, I will never swing with you. I won't go to swing clubs or swing parties just to, "Check it out." You think they're going to be hot models? Reality check, honey. Most of them are white trash and most of them don't use protection because, "We're all married, so we're safe." Why didn't you tell me you were into this germy disgusting lifestyle BEFORE we got married?

Confession #266

The fact that you have stayed with me through all of my mental health issues, and have rarely called me crazy out loud, even when you are thinking it in your head? You took "the good with the bad" part of our vows seriously and I am eternally grateful.

Confession #267

My husband is dead set against sex toys. He asks me why I need sex toys if I have him around to satisfy me? I say it's something fun to add to our sex life. He said it's either him or the sex toys. So when he goes to work, I get out my hidden collection of sex toys and do myself silly. Maybe my husband does have something to fear. The sex toys are a lot better in bed than him.

Confession #268

It was just two days after I started the Pill and wasn't protected against pregnancy yet. I asked my husband to put on a condom before we had sex. He agreed. He leaned over to the nightstand and made a big effort out of opening a condom wrapper and putting it on. When he came, I felt it. I pushed him off me and saw there was no condom. He had MIMED putting on the condom and had hidden the condom under the bed. I demanded to know why. He said, "You're not gonna get pregnant, so what's the big deal?" It was the first moment that I felt fear in my heart that I had married the wrong man.

Confession #269

Do you not wipe after taking a dump? I do your laundry, you know, and I don't think you use toilet paper.

Confession #270

I love that you are the one who bakes for all school functions. Me? I would buy something, but you? In the kitchen, baking giant cookies or super fudgey browines.

10 comments:

R.R. said...

Confession #265

Reality check: You are WRONG. You're about the super model part... very few of them look like porn stars. But the rest of what you said is wrong and insulting. And swingers DO use protection. I spent eight years in the lifestyle and not once caught an STD, had an accidental pregnancy, or anything else.

Lia said...

#268:

I'm so sorry. Your hubby is a jerk- that's an awful thing to do to someone you love! He proved to you that what YOU want is less important than what HE wants, which is unacceptable. Maybe counselling would be a good idea- but if he doesn't understand now why what he did was wrong, he may never get it. I wish you all the best.

Anonymous said...

These ladies who are complaining about their husband's wants or dislikes in bed (swinging, sex toys) should see a counselor or something. You have to be willing to satisfy your partner in a long-term relationship. Try listening to the savagelovecast (podcast) once in a while. And I've never been to a swinging party, but I don't think they're "germy" or "disgusting," as the one woman thinks. Judge much?!

theo said...

265 - It's funny - you have a 'white trash' stereotype for swingers; I've always thought of them more as jaded suburbanites. Truth of the matter is probably more that they span the socio-economic spectrum as much as anything else. . .

And I don't know about 'germy' or 'disgusting' (altho I certainly understand why you might think that). . . But something in the back of my head wonders about 'guilt' and 'jealousy'; and neither of those is particularly good for a marriage. . .

I've known of more than one husband who was way eager to check out The Lifestyle, but when it came right down to it, couldn't handle seeing his wife with another man. . .

266 - Gratitude is always good; thanks for sharing. . .

267 - I understand your frustration over your husband's attitude. But I wonder if doing yourself behind his back is such a good thing, either, in the long run. . .

Anonymous said...

the best orgasms of my life have come from men with small penises.

Anonymous said...

263 -- oral sex is often better than intercourse anyway (regardless of penis size). Maybe you two need to spend more time developing your skills in that area.

Anonymous said...

Oh #268, I'm so sorry. That was a disrespectful, dishonest, dispicable thing for him to do. I absolutely understand why it made you question your whole marriage. Take good care, hon.

Anonymous said...

#266 You made me tear up because that is how I exactly feel towards my husband. I was just diagnosed with bipolar type 1 w/ psychotic features (hallucinations) in Feb 2010 and the only reason I got the help I needed was with my husband. I label myself as "crazy", but my husband has always been so helpful and never threw my mental illness back in my face. We are truly blessed aren't we? I hope everything goes well in your future & I wish you peace, love & better health. :)

Anonymous said...

I never saw so much hair on a grown man. Why are you so hairy? They say that men grow more hair as they age. Please stop aging.

Gina said...

#269 that's the funniest shit I ever heard! (pun intended!) I love this site and I have got major confessions that will blow your hair back!