Tuesday, April 13, 2010

True Wife Confessions 310 dandelion blooms

Confession #3101

I can't say this to you because I want you to sign the damn divorce papers. When you said you finally got the courage to look at them this weekend,bullshit. You're holding on to them so that I'll file taxes with you for last year - no other reason, you asshole. And when you said you didn't look at my documents and just handed them to the accountant because its none of your business - it is everything I have not to tear you to pieces. YOU are not a noble or honorable person. YOU are the asshole who fucked around on me during our marriage and yet withheld sex from me for the past 3 years. And during the last year when you're going through alcohol detox and I was the good wife supporting you and being patient for the sex to return - you were drinking and fucking around. So, fuck you asshole. There is nothing honorable about you. Just sign the mother fucking divorce papers and get out of my life. I don't need you.

Confession #3102

I know you are planning a surprise party for my 40th birthday - because you are so Terrible at being sly and keeping secrets - and I hear you talking on the phone to people who must be flying or driving in and while you try to be vague, you just Aren't. And it is sweet. Terribly, terribly sweet, and I love you for it.

Confession #3103

I just give up.

Confession# 3104

Dear hubby,
On days where I'm super pissed off and in a foul mood when you walk in the door its a good suggestion to ask how you can help instead of telling me to pull my tampon out and get over it! You may work outside the home but what I do is work too! We have 3 kids together...all under 5. I don't just sit on my ass reading magazines and tan! Some days I don't even get to take a shower because I'm so busy! I love you dearly and would love to be in a better mood but when I'm required to do everything around the house plus all the errands and what not because heaven forbid you lift a finger or you'll freak out like a baby, it stresses me out to no end! Oh and one more thing...I was happy to get you the motorcycle you've always wanted, because you do work hard, but when you wrecked it being stupid without hesitation I gave you the money we were gonna use on a down payment for a new mini van..... And you had the audacity to be an ass for weeks following and you didn't even act like you appreciated what I did for you, I wanted to strangle you! Please PLEASE PLEASEEE grow up and realize that you have a great life! I love you more than you know!
Your stressed out wifey!

Confession # 3105

We've been together almost 8 years....and there are still no signs of us getting married. Both of our families ask us if we talk about it or have any plans. It's the same story: "Well, I want to get my career going and pay down some of my student loans before starting a family".

It's time to get real: we are in our mid-20's, and we've been together since high school. The real reason that we are not ready to get married is because you still work a part-time job and live with your sister, and I refuse to consider marriage because I am afraid of having to support a whole family on my own.

I love you with all my heart. You are my best friend, and I don't know what I would do without you. However, I will leave you in a year if you don't have your shit together. You need to grow up and realize that your current situation is not a good look. I won't bring you around my co-workers or to alumni parties because I am always embarrassed for them to ask you what you do for a living!

You have had so many epiphanies since you graduated from high school. After the first two, I really thought you were going to get it together and finish college and get a full-time job. But then after the fourth and fifth ones, I stopped paying attention. I don't care what kind of dreams you have, or what the little voice in your head told you, I am telling you to get an adult job and learn how to be self-reliant. You don't even have to finish school (college isn't for everyone)!!

The reason I get so irritated with yous sometimes is because I truly think that you don't care. You are comfortable being on the bottom, but I am not! It is time to put down the XBox controller and be a real man.

Confession # 3106

We've been together just over 5 years, you are 3 and a half years younger than me. I turn 32 later this year, and although I didn't want kids in the early part of our relationship.. I do want one now. Not lots, even one would be great. You know I feel this way these days, and although you don't have the same drive that I do, when I was pregnant last year, you were even more excited than I was. That pregnancy didn't turn out well, in fact, it saw me in an ambulance being rushed into emergency surgery with a ruptured tube on my left side. (ectopic) I lost that tube, and face a greatly diminished chance of ever having a successful pregnancy now. I hang on to the idea that we could still have a baby together, but cry to myself with every period. You tell me you want to stay with me forever, but here is the thing... if we can't have a baby together, I don't know if I do.
You would make the best father around. You are kind caring devoted artistic and fun. You cook the most amazing meals anyone could wish for. You make me die a little when you hang out with other people's babies or young children, the way you just get them, the way they just love you. I would give up any kind of material success to have that, you interacting in that way with our child. I would give every single thing for that. But if we can't have a child, I feel differently. If we can't, then I don't really know if I want to. See, you are pretty hopeless with money... You are an artist, I get it.. those two skills don't go hand in hand.. I on the other hand earn so much less than you, yet still managed to save the deposit for our home, pay the bills, put something aside for (hopefully) some improvements on our home. If there is no baby, and I have spent the prime years of my life where that was possible with you.. then what is the point? I am not afraid of being poor, but would I really choose it for no reason? If we can't have a baby, do I really want to spend the rest of my life bailing you out of your credit card debt?

Confession # 3107

I am furious about the amount of money you spent on the new TV (without consulting me, I might add), the amount of money we spend for satellite TV every month, and the amount of time you spend watching the damn thing. Your life, your childrens’ lives, and our life together are all passing you by while you sit in front of that giant time and money sucking hole every day.

Confession # 3108

I see the texts on your phone, dumbass. I know where you are going and who you are seeing. I care less about who you are fucking and more that you think I am so oblivious that I wouldn't notice. You haven't been able to out think me in 15 years, what makes you think you can now?

Confession # 3109

We have had a rough last 5 years, I will admit. We have been through everything imaginable while our life took a whole new shape & form. I am going to be honest, I don't know how we have made it, but somehow we have. I feel closer to you than I have in our 15 years of marriage & our kids have only benefitted from us growing closer. I know that your ego took a huge hit when you lost your job & we solely survive on my income now, but you took a huge step and started back to school. You have no idea how much i respect you for how hard you are trying. I just don't know how to tell you that. Everytime I try, you just say "Well you did it for us, so I can too." I am not trying to compare us, I just want you to know how I feel. Do I get frustrated sometimes with you & your procrastination, YES! Does that mean I don't love you and I'm going to leave you? No, it just means I'm frustrated with you at that moment. After everything that we have been through I know you think I'm gonna leave, but I LOVE YOU and You are stuck with me, I'm not going anywhere. We have made it through this we can make it through anything. <3

Confession # 3110

Sleeping in separate bedrooms may be what saved our marriage. I don't have to hear you snore, or listen to the radio or fight with you about if it is too hot or too cold. I know it sounds odd, but I like when you visit...then go back to Your bed in the other room. This works out really well for us and when we first did it, I thought it signaled an end to our marriage. It may have been a new beginning.


Lisa said...

3106 - Don't give up hope. Same thing happened to a friend of mine at the same age and she has a beautiful 4 year old daughter now.

theo said...

3109 - You get it. Thanks

Anonymous said...

I'm totally with you on this one! My husband and I rarely ever sleep in the same bed. He's a smoker and so he feels that he has to smoke right before bed. He goes straight to the couch or the spare bedroom.

La said...


My older sister's ovaric tube was broken. The other one became to have an obstruction. Doctos asked her and her lovely husband to adopt. Some months later she got pregnant of beautiful twins.

She was almost 40 when that happened. Also she had not period. From my heart I recommend you: pray and keep relax as possible. It will happen.

Dear, be happy because you still have eggs.

Every period is a possible message of your body: " I'm recovering, I'm getting ok for a baby some day. Don't worry"


Unknown said...

Confession # 3106
Hey girl. I read your post and it really got my attention. My Husband and I are TTC and it is hard to see my friends and even some of my younger siblings enjoying parenthood. It's difficult to be around them. I think you are sort of heaping a lot of your concerns into one pile. Do you think that the stress of TTC is magnifying the flaws you see in your husband? I would hate for you to throw away something beautiful because you are so discouraged. I'm just as frustrated. I know children are a blessing/ gift and therfore we must wait to be blessed with them rather than just conceiving at a whim (even though it happens everyday to undeserving people) And what will you do if you all DO become pregnant and your Husband still needs you to "bail him out?" I'd imagine that it would be that much more difficult with a child involved, don't you? Let me know...I could use some insight myself :)

#3106 said...

#3106 here:

Thank you for such kind words to the people who commented above. Each brought me to tears, just to think someone knew/understood what I was feeling.

The whole reason I sent a confession to this site is that I don't really have anyone I can say this to in my day to day life. Mostly this is due to my past - strongly not wanting children, and also being in a social group that also feels this way. (Although really, I am sure many have changed in the same direction as I have, we just don't talk about it)

Jamaica in particular, you made me think. I know I said that I would give up everything (including the 'bailing out') if there was a new life at the end of it.. and yes, you are probably right. It wouldn't go away. It would be even harder with a new baby. I would get over the initial joy, and focus on the financial side. This is something we need to address now. Not later.

I wrote the confession at a particularly emotionally stretched time I need to add. I love this man so much it hurts sometimes. He is so good to me, I sometimes wonder how I even managed such a score. Other times I want to strangle him. Does everyone feel like this? I don't know for sure, but I think they do.