We're about to start living together, and I find myself feeling more and more scared everyday. You've been on your own since your divorce 15 years ago. You are so very set in your ways. For 15 years, you've just piled up whatever you want where ever you want. I'm overwhelmed by how much junk is piled in every room, every closet, and every cabinet. There is no room for my stuff in your house, and you're making no effort whatsoever to make room. But you'll let me do it, and have told me repeatedly that you want me to do it. However, when I do, you piss and moan the whole time. I feel screwed either way. Surely when we get through the transition, things will be better. But I'm not sure. And that scares me.
You also seem to have lost much of your interest in sex since we made the decision to live together. What's up with that? The way I look and dress hasn't changed; I still flirt with you. But you don't flirt back and sex has dwindled. That also scares me.
And per your request, I was at your house yesterday cleaning out a bedroom (which you wanted me to do). When you got home, you were in one the worst moods I've seen you in during the 2 years we've been together. Was it because you had to work late? Was it because I was there when you got home (as planned)? You blamed it on work, but I'm not sure. Even if it was work-related, are you always going to take out your bad work days on me? I know there are a lot of them, so that, too, scares me.
Yet when I left this morning, you were so sweet and loving. Very affectionate. Sincere "I love you"s. Back to your old self. The man I love. And the sex last night was great. But I'm scared.
I have tried to tell you numerous times even before you were charged that things weren’t working out. I thought I was over it until the 1 year anniversary and realized I couldn’t live with things the way they are and since the kids are gone, life is too short not to be happy. Separated, and I, for the first time felt like I didn’t have to walk on eggshells, except you kept hounding me to death. I fell in love with a man who made me remember what life was supposed to be. And he with me. But, for the sake of our child’s wedding and the fear that the day would be ruined I told you to come home…to stop you from being an idiot. Now it’ll be so much harder because you are trying WAY too hard to be someone you’re not…the drinking started again like I knew it would…I need to move on. Am afraid now that the kids will all think it is me who is the bitch, not the realization that we haven’t had a relationship in years…..
Have you ever bought a flat of annuals and all of the plants do well except for one? It has the same water, soil, sunlight, and care as all of the others but for no particular reason it just fails to thrive? This morning I felt like the weak pansy in the pack. For so long I've masked a feeling of desperation by staying busy. I went to college, traveled, and took up new hobbies. When things got dull, I changed jobs, changed boyfriends, took up home improvement tasks, and planned vacations but lately I just feel so... empty. Isolated. I find myself wasting time by rereading novels I've read before, playing solitaire at work, sabotaging my current relationship, and watching reality tv and hate myself for wasting this life. Even when I do the things that used to make me happy, I find myself unhappy with the results. It sounds like I'm depressed, but I don't know what I'm depressed about. I still have a job, a nice boyfriend, a nice home, can afford to travel, and am fortunate in many regards.
Ladies of TWC, please tell me what to do.
I am sorry that I am obese. I wouldn't want to have sex with me either. You are a good man for encouraging me to be healthy. You are a good man for loving me even though I am angry with myself and sad at how my life has turned out. I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy. I'm just so afraid that I can't do it.
I hate you. I want to leave you. I am much happier when you are gone, why can’t you get that? Why do you have to be so dense? I guess I need to tell you flat out, “I have a lawyer; you might want to get one too. Get out off the house now, locks will be changed as soon as you leave…
I know this sounds stupid and I know you work hard for your money, why did you get to have your clam plate this weekend, but you left me with no money to be on vacation with the kids for the week? We are late on the bills, I stay with my parents on vacation to save money and let the kids have a good summer and you get to blow the money. I work, too. Maybe I wanted a clamroll, too. Asshole.
We have a beautiful house, you’re an excellent provider, and you’re the best father to our children. What’s our problem? Our problem is that you don’t know how to love me. Being intimate with you only several times a year is not enough for me. You don’t tell me you love me. I want more from the man that I love. Seeing you play with our children and work hard so that our family has everything we need only makes me love you more -- but you won’t love me back. Every night you crawl in bed and fall asleep. I crawl in bed and wonder why loving me never crosses your mind. I buy sexy things to wear; I make myself smell good, so why don’t you want me? I beg you to get some help and you don’t. You ignore the problem. After eight years, I’m not in love with you anymore. I love you, but I’m not in love with you. Maybe I’m asking too much. It’s a shame because we could’ve had the perfect life.
After I lay awake in anger over the problem, I fall asleep and dream about my old boyfriend. He knew exactly how to love me, and we had the best sex. I see his face every night, but I can’t help it. You can’t control your dreams. You did this. It’s your fault. I always hear that sex isn’t the most important thing in a marriage, but it's so important. I need you to show me you love me.
I want to move closer to home.
Not because I like it there, but because I miss being a part of everything. I miss just being able to go and see my brother or sisters and nieces and nephews whenever I want to. I miss my folks, and my aunts and uncles who live nearby. I miss having impromptu BBQs. I know in the past I told you I'd rather live closer to your family, but that was when things were toxic in mine. Things have improved drastically and I want to be a part of my family again. I feel so stuck and lonely. I have some friends, sure, but they're involved with their own lives (and many of them have their families around them).
I wouldn't want to live any closer than maybe an hour or an hour and a half's drive away. Just close enough to be able to go there and be around people. Close enough that our daughter could play with her cousins now and again.
I know we can't move closer. I know there are no jobs around there for you. I know you hate the country. I know we're stuck up here for awhile. It's not that you wouldn't move if we could, if it would make sense to. I just needed to say it; to admit that's part of why I've been so miserable lately. I grew up with a ton of family around me, and now I've got none around. Glad we're going to see them in a couple of weeks. Maybe that will help ease my loneliness. You're a super husband, but you can't give me everything.
Would it have been possible to not start screaming at me when I walked in from my massage? I went because of my insomnia with the idea that it would help me sleep. Having you jump on my ass for something small and inconsequential was just mean - like you wanted to strip me of my relaxation. And this is one more reason I keep looking for an apartment.
It is amazing that you are so good at patting yourself on the back. You actually bragged to my friends that you cleaned the bathroom. Yes, the sink and the countertop looked nice, but what about the shower, bathtub, floor and toilet? I wish cleaning was that easy.