Monday, July 13, 2009

True Wife Confessions 295 mint juleps

Confession #2941

We're about to start living together, and I find myself feeling more and more scared everyday. You've been on your own since your divorce 15 years ago. You are so very set in your ways. For 15 years, you've just piled up whatever you want where ever you want. I'm overwhelmed by how much junk is piled in every room, every closet, and every cabinet. There is no room for my stuff in your house, and you're making no effort whatsoever to make room. But you'll let me do it, and have told me repeatedly that you want me to do it. However, when I do, you piss and moan the whole time. I feel screwed either way. Surely when we get through the transition, things will be better. But I'm not sure. And that scares me.

You also seem to have lost much of your interest in sex since we made the decision to live together. What's up with that? The way I look and dress hasn't changed; I still flirt with you. But you don't flirt back and sex has dwindled. That also scares me.

And per your request, I was at your house yesterday cleaning out a bedroom (which you wanted me to do). When you got home, you were in one the worst moods I've seen you in during the 2 years we've been together. Was it because you had to work late? Was it because I was there when you got home (as planned)? You blamed it on work, but I'm not sure. Even if it was work-related, are you always going to take out your bad work days on me? I know there are a lot of them, so that, too, scares me.

Yet when I left this morning, you were so sweet and loving. Very affectionate. Sincere "I love you"s. Back to your old self. The man I love. And the sex last night was great. But I'm scared.

Confession #2942

I have tried to tell you numerous times even before you were charged that things weren’t working out. I thought I was over it until the 1 year anniversary and realized I couldn’t live with things the way they are and since the kids are gone, life is too short not to be happy. Separated, and I, for the first time felt like I didn’t have to walk on eggshells, except you kept hounding me to death. I fell in love with a man who made me remember what life was supposed to be. And he with me. But, for the sake of our child’s wedding and the fear that the day would be ruined I told you to come home…to stop you from being an idiot. Now it’ll be so much harder because you are trying WAY too hard to be someone you’re not…the drinking started again like I knew it would…I need to move on. Am afraid now that the kids will all think it is me who is the bitch, not the realization that we haven’t had a relationship in years…..

Confession #2943

Have you ever bought a flat of annuals and all of the plants do well except for one? It has the same water, soil, sunlight, and care as all of the others but for no particular reason it just fails to thrive? This morning I felt like the weak pansy in the pack. For so long I've masked a feeling of desperation by staying busy. I went to college, traveled, and took up new hobbies. When things got dull, I changed jobs, changed boyfriends, took up home improvement tasks, and planned vacations but lately I just feel so... empty. Isolated. I find myself wasting time by rereading novels I've read before, playing solitaire at work, sabotaging my current relationship, and watching reality tv and hate myself for wasting this life. Even when I do the things that used to make me happy, I find myself unhappy with the results. It sounds like I'm depressed, but I don't know what I'm depressed about. I still have a job, a nice boyfriend, a nice home, can afford to travel, and am fortunate in many regards.

Ladies of TWC, please tell me what to do.

Confession #2944

I am sorry that I am obese. I wouldn't want to have sex with me either. You are a good man for encouraging me to be healthy. You are a good man for loving me even though I am angry with myself and sad at how my life has turned out. I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy. I'm just so afraid that I can't do it.

Confession #2945

I hate you. I want to leave you. I am much happier when you are gone, why can’t you get that? Why do you have to be so dense? I guess I need to tell you flat out, “I have a lawyer; you might want to get one too. Get out off the house now, locks will be changed as soon as you leave…

Confession #2946

I know this sounds stupid and I know you work hard for your money, why did you get to have your clam plate this weekend, but you left me with no money to be on vacation with the kids for the week? We are late on the bills, I stay with my parents on vacation to save money and let the kids have a good summer and you get to blow the money. I work, too. Maybe I wanted a clamroll, too. Asshole.

Confession #2947

We have a beautiful house, you’re an excellent provider, and you’re the best father to our children. What’s our problem? Our problem is that you don’t know how to love me. Being intimate with you only several times a year is not enough for me. You don’t tell me you love me. I want more from the man that I love. Seeing you play with our children and work hard so that our family has everything we need only makes me love you more -- but you won’t love me back. Every night you crawl in bed and fall asleep. I crawl in bed and wonder why loving me never crosses your mind. I buy sexy things to wear; I make myself smell good, so why don’t you want me? I beg you to get some help and you don’t. You ignore the problem. After eight years, I’m not in love with you anymore. I love you, but I’m not in love with you. Maybe I’m asking too much. It’s a shame because we could’ve had the perfect life.

After I lay awake in anger over the problem, I fall asleep and dream about my old boyfriend. He knew exactly how to love me, and we had the best sex. I see his face every night, but I can’t help it. You can’t control your dreams. You did this. It’s your fault. I always hear that sex isn’t the most important thing in a marriage, but it's so important. I need you to show me you love me.

Confession #2948

I want to move closer to home.

Not because I like it there, but because I miss being a part of everything. I miss just being able to go and see my brother or sisters and nieces and nephews whenever I want to. I miss my folks, and my aunts and uncles who live nearby. I miss having impromptu BBQs. I know in the past I told you I'd rather live closer to your family, but that was when things were toxic in mine. Things have improved drastically and I want to be a part of my family again. I feel so stuck and lonely. I have some friends, sure, but they're involved with their own lives (and many of them have their families around them).

I wouldn't want to live any closer than maybe an hour or an hour and a half's drive away. Just close enough to be able to go there and be around people. Close enough that our daughter could play with her cousins now and again.

I know we can't move closer. I know there are no jobs around there for you. I know you hate the country. I know we're stuck up here for awhile. It's not that you wouldn't move if we could, if it would make sense to. I just needed to say it; to admit that's part of why I've been so miserable lately. I grew up with a ton of family around me, and now I've got none around. Glad we're going to see them in a couple of weeks. Maybe that will help ease my loneliness. You're a super husband, but you can't give me everything.

Confession #2949

Would it have been possible to not start screaming at me when I walked in from my massage? I went because of my insomnia with the idea that it would help me sleep. Having you jump on my ass for something small and inconsequential was just mean - like you wanted to strip me of my relaxation. And this is one more reason I keep looking for an apartment.

Confession #2950

It is amazing that you are so good at patting yourself on the back. You actually bragged to my friends that you cleaned the bathroom. Yes, the sink and the countertop looked nice, but what about the shower, bathtub, floor and toilet? I wish cleaning was that easy.

20 comments:

Kat said...

#2941 - It's pretty symbolic that you're having to make room for yourself in your boyfriend's life. If he really wanted you there he'd be the one making room for you. Starting out as the mommy/maid is no basis for a relationship. Keep your apartment, and keep your dating options open.

Shop said...

#2941 - doesn't sound like a good start! Perhaps wait before moving in... signals look like he doesn't want you to move in. He may have no courage and can't say. You shouldn't have to make room in someone else's apartment for your stuff. Get the hint...

Shop said...

#2943 - get counselling. There's something lurking under the surface that you may need to resolve. Nice boyfriend, house and all the trappings can't give you personal fulfilment. That only really comes from within... many people have what looks like and ideal life from outside, but are really struggling to feel happy and fulfilled (like me). I got some counselling, which cost a lot, but less than a couple of nice shoes!, and found that I always felt like I was competing with all the other "yummy mummys". When I actually accepted that it's OK to be normal, spoke my mind and admitted that I was struggling, I actually felt better. It's OK to feel un-perfect. It's OK to tell people how you feel. They have to accept you how you are, each day! Personal acceptance rocks!

Ladyboy said...

2946 -- Lot of anger there for one clamroll eh? Is it me or is there something else there other than one selfish assclown moment resulting in a single clam dinner. Or do clam dinners cost more than I know about?

Vixen said...

2941, take the advice the other ladies offered. He might be great and all, but he's obviously not ready to have you in his space. Pay attention to the red flags so you aren't looking back a year later wondering how you got there. Keep your apartment!

Anonymous said...

2943 -- you might consider counseling. Sometimes even a single session can make a big difference. Something to think about.

edgyiam said...

2943: don't get down on yourself for feeling depressed for "no reason." Sometimes it just is and beating yourself up or not believing you "deserve" to be depressed makes it worse. Give yourself a break. And seek counseling. I know for a fact that even one session can be helpful. Knowing there is someone there whose job it is to help can be a huge load off you, especially if you have worried about burdening family and friends, no matter how supportive they are.

You are not alone.

Anonymous said...

No clamroll here, and yes there is more to it than just the sandwich. He always makes sure he has what he wants but doens't think of me. Although he tells me I should speak up more and let him know what I want. I feel as though he should just know to think of someone else, like me,first.

Anonymous said...

Moderator: I am a guy addicted to confession sites. I read truuconfessions daily, but really look forward to the posts on truewifeconfessions. Both the posts and the comments offer more insight and help. I hope you keep up the good work. (this comment isn't for the confessors, so no need to publish)

Anonymous said...

#2944. Get a Lapband. It works. It takes some time for insurance to approve of the surgery but it is worth it. I feel like a new person.

Anonymous said...

2941--Listen to your intuition, that's why you have intuition! It's telling you something isn't right.

You said he was in one of the worst moods you've seen in 2 years yet then you say the sex last night was great. So he snapped out of his bad mood long enough to participate in good sex or was it good because he was angry?? Red flags....

Anonymous said...

#2944 If you do get a lapband please make sure to do all the research. I read that the prognosis for long term weight loss isn't great, and within 5 years most of the patients have moderate to serious side effects. Most end up getting a gastic bypass, which also has serious consequences.

Goddess of Madness said...

2943 - Pay the money and go to a therapist. It was the best money I ever spent

Ophelia Mourne said...

#2944

You can do hun! do it for you, set some short term and long term goals. Leave room for struggles and give yourself credit when you stick to them.

My favorite kind of healthy activity is turning on five of my favorite songs (adds up to almost 20 minutes) and dance dance dance. Dont stop either, shake your booty and sweat it out. You might feel silly at first but its so much fun. I always end up with a huge smile on my face after.

and make sure you drink lots of water too. Please dont be down on yourself.
believe it or not there are real men out there that love having sex with a bigger woman. Im so sorry you feel the way you do. You actually shouldn't have to feel that way about sex.

Also if you ever need a person to talk to please feel free to email me. Im a great listener.

<3

Anonymous said...

to 2941 - funny how similar your man is to mine. he had been divorced 10 years when we moved in together. he was such a pack-rat, and i had to get rid of some of his junk just to fit my small amt. of stuff in his house. looking back now, i think he was such a jerk about it b/c he never intended for me to stay for very long. but then i got pregnant, and now we've been married for five years. we had great sex for the first year we were together, but after that....let's just say i haven't gotten off during sex in years...now we do it about once every two weeks, and it is always quick and boring, with no kissing or caressing involved. funny thing is that i adore him still and i was always passionate towards him, but all the passion was on my end of things, and after a while, it just got old trying to be loving and affectionate when he was not doing it in return. he is also very moody...usually he acts bored and disinterested about everything, but at times he gets very pissed and quiet as if he is angry about something....then that blows over and he is very affectionate and caring for a day or two...then back to disinterested and boring. i have decided that basically he loves me but is not in love with me as i am with him...and that he probably figures that he's just going to stick this relationship out even though he's not crazy about me.....i've asked him several times throughout our relationship if he is unhappy and wants to end things, but he always swears that he loves me and wants to stay together....but i'm not sure anymore if i want to live this way forever, with someone who acts like he is not crazy about me.

newt g said...

to 2:08 pm commenting on 2941 --- Sounds like your marriage is headed to the rocks unless you do something drastic to save it. I am sure he loves you but sounds as if he just has forgotten to let you know how much. Sort of like he assumes you know he loves you. Men are thick in the head and he may need a kick in the butt. Move out? Something to defib the marriage back from cardiac arrest into something healthy?

Anonymous said...

to 2944 and 10:23 pm: I've got a lapband and it does work. I've had it for five years. Lost 60 lbs. and have kept it off, something I haven't been able to do in years past. Insurance wouldn't cover mine so I paid out of pocket. BEST MONEY I'VE EVER SPENT.

2944, best of luck to you, I understand your struggle.

Anonymous said...

#2946, your example made sense to me. And if he's enough of an asshole to splurge on himself when you have kids and overdue bills, in my excessively bitter opinion "speaking up" will get you no closer to gaining his consideration but will feed his ego with the 'power' to give or deny you what you 'want' (even if this is to pay the electric bill on time). You work, too? I'm seeing a separate bank account...

I know, I'm bitter and judgmental.

Rusty Shackeford said...

Confession #2947: He's gay.

Stitchin said...

#2941: HE HAS NO ROOM FOR YOU IN HIS LIFE. Where is your instinct for self-preservation? If he hasn't any interest in making room for you early in your relationship living together, he absolutely isn't going to make room for you later in life. IT ONLY GOES DOWN HILL. There will be LESS sex, LESS room for you, MORE and MORE and MORE junk, MORE work for you, and MORE anger. You SHOULD be afraid. And then you should run like the wind. Go back to your apartment, go back to your life. And do not EVER move in with a hoarder!