On the day we were married in Niagara Falls, you held an umbrella over me while I took pictures of the edge of the waterfall. It wasn't until the thunder boomed that I realized that there was a thunderstorm on top of the mist coming from the falls... you stood there, getting completely soaked, keeping myself and the camera dry and didn't say a word because you know how much I love taking pictures and this was my last chance before we left and I would have stopped if I knew you were getting wet.... thank you my love, for being extraordinary on that day and every other day.
I filed for divorce. You know it and even had to sign papers that you are aware of it. So, why are you acting like it isn’t happening? You have suddenly decided that you are going to be a super dad and an amazing husband. Sorry honey, after six years, I just don’t believe you are capable. Sure you’ll do well for a week or two or maybe even a month, but you’ll go right back to your drinking. This time, I am TRULY done. The only reason that I am not pointing this out to you is that your denial makes the divorce process easier. Plus, it is nice to actually get help with the kids.
I don't understand why I am not enough for you, why you need to watch
porn. You say you are bisexual and you're definitely not gay; I have
no problem with homosexuality or bisexuality but I am terrified that
one day you will wake up and realize you need to be with a man. And
that will kill me. We have great, regular sex. Can't you get rid of
the porn and show me that I am enough to fulfill you? You say that you
should be allowed to embrace your sexuality and that it hurts you that
I can't love that part of you, but you don't seem to understand that I
feel invisible in our relationship when I have to acknowledge that you
watch porn and masturbate. It reinforces all my fear and insecurity.
You talk and talk about how this has no bearing on how you feel about
me, you love me, you want to be with me. But you won't put that into
action by doing this one thing that I ask of you, by giving up
pornography. It is a horrible, nagging feeling. The rest of our
marriage is so wonderful; I hate that this cloud hangs over us. I
worry it will be our undoing.
When you try to handle something on your own, like a job application
or renewing your mother's Green Card, the number of questions you ask
me makes me wonder: how on earth do you get anything done at work? DO
you get anything done at work?
We committed ourselves to one another a long time ago...18 years. You are my soulmate and I know that you feel the same way about me. Until death do us part baby.
All I want to do is sell this house and get out of here before you blow it for me. I am afraid you are going to have another episode or self implode, and I will be here with the kids. Moving closer to my family will help me to feel safe, soooooo lets just price the house right, not like you have a chalet, and get me the fuck out of here.
I am so proud of you for taking a chance and going back to school. Yes, I know you won't have much free time or spare cash for a while, but we're keeping our eye on a better life. You're daring to think that life is more than slaving away at a soul-sucking job in return for a lousy pay-check. I see how tired you are after working in the morning, studying in the afternoon, and then going to school at night, and then notice that you washed the dishes and swept the floor before you left. You're awesome. Totally a "keeper". Good luck, sweetie. I'll be there when you need me.
I love you very much, you are the father of my child, and I would love to be with you for the rest of my life. However I need you to decide what you want, and I mean what you really really want. Not what you think you have to do, not what other people think you should do, but what will make you happy. If that means being a family and doing the things that familys do then great, that would make me beyond happy. If that means spending all your time with your friends or at the gym then so be it, I can handle that too.
You also need to learn how to express yourself. How do you think it makes me feel when I can see the wheels turning and you having to work just to tell me I look nice? Or the holidays I have to buy my own gift or wait until the day has passed to get it? Being away for 4 weeks and you not saying once that you missed me without provocation? Having you mumble something because you panic when I say I love you?
It doesn't feel good and honestly I am done, I knew that trying to make this work could turn out really badly for me, that you didn't feel as strongly as I did, and that I had to try anyway. I've believed that you can be the father and man I deserve but it's time for you to prove it.
I hate my sister. I've never admitted it, even to myself, but I think I've hated her for a long time. We never got along growing up, but that's normal, right? Now we're grown....I married a black man (I'm white) against my family's wishes. Before I told any of them, I told my sister. I thought that if she could stand behind me, then maybe eventually the rest of them would come around. I told her that he was the first man I'd ever been in love with, the first man I'd ever loved period. She said, "You should do what you want to do. You should be happy." I'd have married him anyway, even if she had said she would never speak to me again. But just her saying that gave me some comfort because the rest of my family basically disowned me once I told them. My brother hasn't spoken to me in four years, and we were best friends for so long. Anyway, my sister got married about a year and a half later. She told another family member that I could attend her wedding, but I could not bring my husband or baby daughter with me. I was shocked, and really hurt. What makes her so fantastic that she is ashamed of me and my family? My husband is a great man - he works hard and is a great father - and I have the cutest daughter in the world. So I didn't bother to attend her wedding. If my family isn't good enough for her, then neither am I. Later I saw she had posted on her myspace page that the family had given her all of my great-grandmother's hand-written recipes and cookbooks (which they all knew my grandma had promised to give to me). She wrote about how touched she was to get them. I bet she was. Her and her ugly husband are fucking on the antique bed that my other grandmother gave me as well. I don't really care about all that - it's just stuff. It's just the principle behind it. But now my sister can't seem to get pregnant. She miscarried twins and she's been trying to get pregnant now for three years. As horrible as it sounds, I secretly smile every time I hear that another pregnancy test came up negative. I hope she never has a child. I do. Maybe it's karma for thinking that my family isn't good enough. Maybe a person like that doesn't have any business raising a child anyway. I hope her uterus rots and falls out.
It hurts me to see you in such pain - your marriage is ending, and it hurts. But I will not let me be your distraction, nor your promise of something else. As much as I want to comfort you, you have to go through this hurt alone. When you are through the other side then we can make a life together. Freely.