Tuesday, June 24, 2008

True Wife Confessions 259 Exam Prep

Confession #2581

Well, that is how I always start conversations that I am not 100%$ sure about – WELL – second marriage, thought I was so dam in love, a few years go by, and nope, uh,un, this is not what I bargained for – I settled, and I am paying the price- but, did I have a real choice, being 37 yrs old, and my first hubby saying 'see ya, you cannot give me any children so buh bye-' it is over, and I was so scared, so I cozy up to the first man I had sex with and felt an attraction for – and now we are married and it is so not what I want, but what is love, really? I ask my sister who has been married for 34 years, “are you still in love with _(my bro in law)__? And she says, “what is love?” - is she quoting a Bob Marley so ng? I really want to know, goddam it!!!! I can’t ask my Mom bc she died 2 yearas ago, she was married to my Dad for 62 years --- was she happy, in a state of wedded bliss for all that time? Heck, no, but she stuck with it, most likely bc of me and my 3 siblings--- but they had something that I think is so rare now a days, that one would be extremely lucky to experience it – I sold out on my 2nd time around, I totally admit it, but I had my fingers crossed that it would be better than it really is ; better than the first one , you know? – oh well, live and learn – I just want to talk to somebody who may be in the same sort of predicament, or someone who needs to vent, to just talk it out; sometimes I feel sooo alone; my two close friends are miles apart from my reality, they are both dealing with their own lives, ( as we all are, I know...) managing their lives as best as they can for the time being… who wants t o talk? I need a friend – just someone to bounce things off of –

Hello? Anybody out there? Thank you for any input whatsoever-Or not- I just need someone to bounce things off of, and I have been to a shrink, and find them of not much consequence - I feel as though I am a cry baby to my only 2 friends left, and fear losing them bc of my issues with my mate and the need to talk about them --- :(

Confession #2582

Dear Husband,

When you tell me you’re too busy to go to my family reunions, on trips to visit either of our families, or to anything else involving family, I know you’re lying. I just pack up our kids and go anyways—it’s important for them to spend time with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. And the kids and I always have a fantastic time. We miss you like crazy, and everyone asks about you, but we still have fun.

Confession #2583

I spoke to you on the phone today. For the first time in 14 years. It was the voice that still to this day if you showed up on my doorstep I couldn't tell you no. I never could. It is strange how I thought I had put you in my past, but all it took was a two minute conversation about nothing really important for you to consume my thoughts and heart. All of a sudden I was 19 again. Young, confident and loving every minute of it. I never thought I would feel that way again. Oh, how I love it! Please call me again! I promise I won't tell him if you won't tell her.

Confession #2584

In February you told me that you didn’t want to be married to me. This was something of a shock, since I thought we had been getting along really well. I know we’ve had a lot of problems – some that have lasted for years. And I know a lot of the 16 years we’ve been together, things have been shitty and hard. But I thought we were moving forward, into a good place. And then you told me you didn’t want to be married to me. That made my stomach hurt.

Well, I still feel kind of sick about it. But I realize that maybe you’re right. Maybe we’re done. Maybe we’ve been done for a long time. We tried therapy, but neither of us does more than talk for an hour with the therapist and then ignore the big giant mess for the next two weeks. And we haven’t been back since I walked out because you blamed me for not having a job and holding you back.

Which, by the way, fuck you. You hold yourself back. You and you alone. Nobody has every stopped you from taking classes and getting your degree, or looking for a job with a future. Only you. You can find hours and hours during the week to play video games or fantasy sports, but none for me or our amazing daughter or time to take classes and better yourself, like you keep saying you want to.

I know you’re mad at me for staying home with our kid, even though you emphatically agreed that one of us needed to be home. I know you’re also mad that I went ahead and got an M.A. and now am in law school, and am working full time this summer and will work part time next year. But you know what kills me? I got a scholarship for my M.A., so the whole thing ended up costing us like $2,000, which I've deferred, so you haven't paid shit. And law school? That $80,000 and counting I’ve taken out in student loans? That’s all on me, fucker. I wouldn’t take a cent from you to pay for it. So how that affects you is beyond me.

So now, you’ve decided you’re not quite sure if you want a divorce. Instead, you’re doing the things you want to do. Taking weekend trips. Golfing. Going to ball games and hanging out with your friends. And when I got a little upset about it, and said it made me sad that you would make plans with everyone else but me, and your answer was that you were sad that I didn’t make plans with my friends? Well, that was pretty much the end for me. I can’t fathom how you think that things are o.k. Or maybe you just don’t give a shit.

So now I’m sitting here on a Friday night, while you still aren’t home from golfing, trying to plan the next year of my life. I will finish school, and get an amazing job and take the bar and leave your stupid, sorry ass. I hope you like your bachelorhood when there isn’t a wife at home making sure the house is clean and there’s food in the fridge and your kid is being taken care of.

I hope you like your freedom, fucker.

Confession #2585

OMG Get up and do something!! Your ADD is driving me cray. You walk around in circles but do nothing!!!! I clean up your messes and your kids get you food. I don't care how much money you make, you do nothing for me and I am beginning to wonder what WOULD I do with out. Unless you are 400 feet underground and hanging with all the guys, you're not happy. I am a girl and would like to be treated as one, not just the screw to make you in a better mood. Oh yeah, I have to go now to get ready for your family and father's day. You know the family I can't stand. :)
Love? Me

Confession #2586

Dearest Husband,

I am not now nor have I ever professed to be perfect, but when we met I told you that I treat people the way that I want to be treated. If you feel that I have not done so, please tell me what I have done wrong and I will be happy to correct it. The way you have been treating me lately is not the way I treat you, you have become selfish, verbally abusive, and apathetic towards our marriage and our home.

We have been fighting for months, having the same arguments over and over again. I can’t seem to communicate with you so I have asked you to find a marriage counselor. I asked YOU to find one so that when he/she tells you that you did something wrong, you can’t fault me for picking a bad therapist.

I’m not even sure if we will make it to therapy since your initial reaction was “Great, another expense.”, even though I told you that our marriage might not last the year. But in case we do make it to therapy, I want to start out by confessing that I am a bad wife.

I am a bad wife – because I have the audacity to defy my husband and not allow him to take out his frustrations on me when he blows up at the least little thing for which I am in no way responsible.

I am a bad wife – because I have the temerity to stick to the agreements we made when we were married seven years ago and follow through on paying the household bills on time and doing my weekly chores to the best of my ability and not doing them when I get around to them, doing half the job or refusing to do them at all like you have chosen to do.

I am a bad wife - because I selfishly took days off of work to sit by your bedside and nurse you through two pulmonary embolisms and waited on you hand and foot when you broke your ankle in three places (in the middle of us buying a house and moving), and not act like you who when I told you I was going to need to have an endoscopy done and would need you to drive me home because they were going to give me anesthesia and the first words out of your mouth were “Can’t your friend (blank) do it?”.

I am a bad wife – because I have the unmitigated gall to take control of my health and work diligently to lose 65 pounds in the past year (and will lose the other 35 and get down to my college weight) and not take a more self-destructive approach to my health like you do; a diabetic who is 150 pounds overweight, refuses to exercise and buys himself packs of oreos and will eat four ice cream bars in 15 minutes.

I am a bad wife – because I am weak enough to admit when I am wrong and don’t look for excuses or try and blame other people for my actions. Instead, I do my best to change my behavior.

I am a bad wife – because I have committed the unpardonable sin of putting the needs of my family/household above all others.

The thought of us divorcing and having to sell this house and start from scratch financially scares the living daylights out of me. But what scares me even more is the thought of being miserable the rest of my life. I love you but something has to give.

Confession #2587

I hate that I love you. I hate that I care about you. I hate that I am so dedicated and honest while you have unwarranted suspicions. I know that you love me... I can see it in your eyes when you look at me, I can hear it in your voice, I can tell by your actions, and I can tell by the way you always try to make me happy. But if you love me, why do you lie to me? You lied to me and kept secrets over the years and you're still doing it now. Over the years you've placed personal ads, you tell me you'll be one place when you're really somewhere else, you buy porn and hide it from me (why I don't know, because I like porn, too), and countless other things. I don't care if you place personal ads anymore. I don't care if you're meeting women. I'm at the point where I just don't care about anything you do anymore. I am just going to patiently wait to catch you cheating... because as of right now, I have no proof... only a feeling. One day you'll slip and that will be the day I feel completely justified in leaving you... that is, if I don't get so fed up before then I end up leaving anyway.

And I know you're keeping money from me - from our family - for bills that need to get paid. I was putting your credit card back into your wallet last week and found over $120 in there. Where did that come from? What are you spending it on?

I have no tolerance anymore for your insecurities, your short temper, your hatred of people in general, your lack of involvement around the house (but you have no problem bending backwards for others), I am tired of the lies and the secrets, but most of all, I hate how much it hurts to feel this way about someone I love.

But my love is fading... and I don't think it can be stopped.

Confession #2588

I was going to send a wife confession - hell bent on strumming along with the others on here............but then I remembered my vows and the counseling we had before we were married and I cannot degrade you to others - even though I could write my own self-help book on how to marry the man you love without going crazy in the process.

True some of the confessions are heart breaking and some just downright unbelieveable but...........I cant do it. Why is it easier to post up my thoughts about my spouse anonymously in cyberspace rather than talking to my husband and praying for him. Have I really taken a hard look at both sides of the coin?

What am I doing wrong as a wife - am I esteeming my husband and doing everything i can to honor that of what a wife should be? Or am I having affairs searching for love that I have to first find in myself, griping, insulting, eye rolling, nagging, pitting my child against you, or am I just complaining about EVERYDAY life in general - not enough sex, my husband doesnt clean, he ignores the kids, he is stupid, he is dumb, you dont do it good enough, do you have to play video games everyday all day, or read those friggin comic books ALL THE TIME???

Do I make sure you have something to eat when you come home from work? make sure you can relax and enjoy being at home?? Have I ran you a bath to soak your tired body and feet, submitted to your sexual drive - PLEASED that you would even want me still when I dont even like looking in the mirror but yet you still want me?? Do I tell you how proud I am of you because you didnt carry our child so you couldnt possibly know how connected a mother can be to her child but you have in a way created your own connection and relationship with a child that is NOT biologically yours - and you love her - she is more like you then her own biological father! You HATE school but you wont give up because you know that it is necessary...............you put up with my monthly girlfriend that visits and snaps, fusses and cusses at you for no reason at all and you baby me sometimes because you try to understand...

My God created this union so he alone has the power to fix it - not me and my ignorant attempts to change you and make our marriage better. From this day - I will speak life into our marriage and pray for those who are dead to their marriages.

I learned something last night that I didnt really understand. We as wives have to stand together to support each other - because we need one another - not to come together to talk about our husbands but to voice how we can bring life to our marriages - through "true confession".

So much hurt and disappointment........Im not downplaying being done wrong by our husbands at all.......but the only way to overcome the hurt is to love - even when we dont want to.......and believe be - sometimes I really dont want to.

Confess on.....my prayers are with you all.

Confession #2589

I didn't write or call you this Mother's Day mom. Just didn't feel like pretending this year. You left us when we were six and four. Have you any idea how much that hurt? Have you any idea how much the world has hurt us in your absence? You call us maybe once or twice for the year if you feel like it and say you love us before you hang up. Do you really? It's been 22 years now. I'm all grown up now but my heart still feels this pain. The yearning to have you here in my life, the longing to have the love you have for your other two kids. You came to visit our country a few years ago. Would it have killed you to spend one night with us? I've heard of many cases where mothers go abroad to live but they still kept close contact with their children by calling, writing,visiting even sending them tickets to visit. What did we do wrong?How could you forsake your first born?
When I was seventeen you told dad to organize our passports to come visit you. I was sooo happy.... It never came to past. You never knew but I overheard you on the phone talking to dad. You said you wanted us to come.Your brother had an argument with you telling you how you had forgotten your two daughters.Dad said never mind him. Was that the only reason you asked us to come?
Growing up without you has been hell. No one to guide us, no one to shop for us, no one to nurture us. I had to be my own mother for myself and my sister.
Do you know that I cry every birthday because the one who gave birth to me isn't around to celebrate? Could you imagine how I felt on my wedding day when you weren't there?Do you know how I felt when the doctor told me I had polycystic ovaries and might be very difficult to get pregnant? Some people don't deserve the blessing of being a mother. I don't hate you, just wished that you loved me....

Confession #2590

I used your toothbrush and peed on it after you told me you wanted a divorce. In my head I kept hearing "Piss on you...."


Anonymous said...

This is to Confession #2581. You want someone to maybe talk to or "bounce things off of". Well, you can try me. I've often asked myself and others what is love. I've basically gotten the same answer and response. When the other persons happiness makes you happy and you want to do things that make that person happy. And when just being with that person makes YOU happy. I guess that sounds about right considering that i've dated plenty and been in a relationship with a few and i've only felt that way about 2 people. The first didn't work out i guess because we were really young. We went back to eachother a few times but it was just beating a dead horse. The second relationship that i've felt that way is current. I've been with him now for 3 years. And though i feel i go out of my way to make him happy and when i see him smile i feel good about myself, i think sometimes i can't stand him. So is that love? I constantly hear from people how they think we're so good for eachother. My family likes him and his family likes me. His father introduces me to people as his daughter in law!!! We live together and "play house" but marriage is not even a thought in either one of our heads. But is love that most days i want to be around him and he makes me laugh and he takes care of me and then other days i look at him and just want to smack him upside the head? Am i simply incapable of just always being happy? I feel that maybe i'm never satisfied. I just asked him tonight if i made him crazy. (I have no idea why i even opened my mouth) He said "yea sometimes". Does he feel the same way about me that i do him? Happy most of the time but other days we could kill eachother? So is that it? Being with someone you can stand to be around most of the time and not hating them? I know i'm kind of just ranting but please bare with me. I've been talking with my girlfriend about this too. She is in a similar situation. The question i have for her and myself is this is only 3 years into a relationship and i'm not even married. How am i going to feel 5 or maybe even 10 years from now? Will i be able to stand to be around the same person for that long?? Oh and might i add i haven't exactly had the greatest relationship role model in my life eiter. My mother was on and off with my father when i was very young and then she dated a bit for a few years till i was 13. She was introduced to a man and they married when i was 15. They are still together years later and had a child together but i feel that she settled. I guess they seem happy with the house and cars and my sister but i feel they keep themsleves so occupied with other things so they're not with eachother alone for too long. So, i certainly wouldn't turn to her for any relationship advice. If anyone wants to comment or give advice please do. Again, i know i've raved on and on and maybe don't really make any sense but it is 2am so forgive me.

Anonymous said...

HI 2588 I, too, think some of the posts are over the top and wonder"whoa"! I say things here to get it off my chest. I may not be over the top but they are my thoughts and things I want to get off my chest and not start a fight. BUT I do talk to my hubby about how I don't want his family to our house. He needs to step up to them, not me. He does have ADD and we discuss it at length and will be going to therapy. Women come here to get it off their chests not to be jerks. In my opinion.

Anonymous said...

2588 - Well said. Successful marriage takes two unselfish people always willing to put the spouse/marriage before their own desires. One or both satisfying the selfish wants of the other to 'make them smile' is not the way to happiness. There is often a need for lots of patience, love, longsuffering, and hope.

2589 - I feel your pain, and hope that one day God will show you how to heal that wound. I never had (and still don't have) the love of my father, and do not know why. I've grown and have long since stopped searching for the reason, but the difference is that my parents are still married. I don't know which hell is worse, having your parent leave and taking their love with them or having them around all the time, standing right next to you even, and knowing that there is no love for you (yet plenty for other siblings) and worse yet, no explanation. That wound is deep, and I like to think that I am finally making progress in healing it as I love and nurture my own children

Anonymous said...

2588. Nope, sorry. You aren't that different from the rest of us because it's all about being the human animal here.

You're not better. But the good news is you aren't any worse, either.

Anonymous said...

2581 - Try going to this website, http://dailystrength.org/ It is full of support groups with people who will listen and give advice. I was in the breakups and divorce group and I have to say the advice I got was exactly what I needed.

Anonymous said...

2589 - I understand what you feel. I have a father that up until a year ago i haven't seen or spoken to in 16 years. A year ago i had a private investigator contact me and found out that my father was looking for me. I agreed to meet him and we chatted over a couple of drinks. After asking questions and getting more info i found out that he won a contest to a radio station. The woman who he is now with sent in a letter to the private investigator that was on the radio and they were picked. I can only think that if they didn't win i would've never been found. It's not like he would've paid for one. I mean come on, he's had 16 years to pay for one but instead his wife sends a letter in to some raido station!?!? Is he kidding!?!? In the past year i've seen him 3 times. They're not comfortable visits. The last time i saw him he made a comment that i don't keep intouch with him. Not for nothing, but you came looking for me. Not the other way around. Just as i'm about to leave he tells me "listen, i know alot of years have gone by and i only know you a the little girl and not a woman. I know nothing about you. If you want to keep intouch that's fine but i've been living my life and doing well for myself. It's no skin off my back if we don't keep intouch. We haven't for all these years." Is he serious!?!? With a comment like that, he can go to hell! It's more like i've done without him all these years and it's no skin off mine!!!

Anonymous said...

You're an amazing person.

Anonymous said...

My grandparents were married for 53years, and my parents just made their 30th anniversary. I know for sure that my mom was a much better wife to my father than he was as a husband to her. I used to wonder why she didn't leave him, but she said she loved him and made a commitment to him, and that was that. My grandparents, however, seemed happier and much more loving, even though I witnessed times when they seemed to want to strangle each other. But I could see that both love and commitment were there. Now I have been with my husband for over three years and we have a 2-year old daughter. He was the first boyfriend I ever had, and the first and only person I have ever slept with. Sometimes I wonder if "the grass is greener" somewhere else, if I just "jumped the gun" with the first man I ever fell in love with. I love him, but it is not the same kind of love as it was three years ago. Back then it was new, thrilling, wild, passionate, exciting love. The newness and some of the passion have faded, but the love is more solid. Don't get me wrong - I'm not living in happy-go-lucky, perfect world, la-la-land. My husband has a drinking problem, and he has some serious baggage from previous relationships of his. There are times when he seriously pisses me off, times when I feel sad and depressed. I often feel that I put more effort into our family life than he does. Our relationship is far from perfect. But I am not "unhappy". And there are times when I am extremely happy. But the most important thing to me is that I know that he loves me and we are both committed to each other and to our daughter. I think that that sounds very boring and like I am "settling" for less than the perfect/passionate/exciting marriage, but I don't think there is such a thing. Maybe in the beginning, but all that always wears off. It's the commitment and true love, no matter what, that is the test of your relationship. I have girlfriends who always bail out when it gets to that point, when the passion starts to fade. Then they just wait until they "fall in love" again, and a year or two later, they are back at square one. I don't believe in fairy tales. I guess you just have to decide what you are willing to live with, and if you honestly LOVE your husband enough, and are commmitted enough to him that you can spend the rest of your life with him and be content. I hope you don't take this as "preachy" or anything, I just wanted to share my personal story. I hope that you work it out and find what you are looking for. Best of luck.

Tamara said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
I'll never tell said...

2590, maybe that is something you just need to keep to yourself.

Anonymous said...

2581 - Take it from a girl who is on her 3rd marriage. Love is many things to many different people. And yes, there will be hard times and easy times. But if all you have are unhappy times, its time to move on. For me, my 1st was a mistake, clear and simple. He didnt love me. The 2nd, also a mistake. I was 24 and had a 2yr old, he was 10years older with kids. Um, yea, not a good thing fo rme. This one has had really hard times but when it came down to put up or get out, he fought for us. And at the end of the day, for me, love is knowing that I have him with me. And there is no one I'd rather be with or see than him. This is 6.5 years into the marriage. So my bottom line to you is - if you dont find yourself wanting to see him and be with him at the end of the day, move on. Best of luck!

Anonymous said...

2590 - ROFL... OMG, I have truly thought of doing that but never have. Thanks for the laugh today!!!

Anonymous said...

2589 - My father is not in my life, and I understand your pain. I am 27 now. I haven't seen my dad since I was 13 and have not had any contact with him since I was 20 (his choice, not mine). I'm a married woman now with her own successful life, but reconciling the fact that my father truly does not love me has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It is a wound that I'm not sure ever heals. It may scab over, but the scar tissue is always there, and it has shaped the person that I have grown up to be. If anyone has successfully healed the wound of being abandoned by a parent (and not counting the happy ending of being reunited), I'd love to hear their story.

Anonymous said...

I have not been here long I just found this site and read a few blogs...Anyways I am sorry that your husband wants a divorce.
Maybe it is for the best as I dont think you pissing on his tooth brush is good..As a matter of fact its bad and can make him very sick !
I also think its very sick of you !(my opinion)
I am again sorry for your divorce but I think HE will be better off and you really need someone that maybe dont have you so upset that you go pissing on toothbrushes (you think )?

Anonymous said...

Didn't we all already have the toothbrush conversation a few months ago -- or is this like a recurring theme on this blog? Maybe we shouldn't change it's name (Fie! I piss on you!)