After we left church on Sunday you told me you were not going to ask me to marry you as long as everybody keeps bringing it up. What do you want me to do about it??? If you keep being ridiculous I am going to tell everyone I am not interested in getting married when they ask us about it! I bet that would halt the questions!
yesterday...when we had sex...and after it was finished and i cried while i orgasmed...it wasn't for you. it was for him.
the pillow...i used it to muffle me saying his name, not yours.
i do love you...but i want him...
Well, I am going back to therapy tomorrow. I am still so mad at you. Why did you do this thing and think you would get away with it. I know you didn't say that but what if you didn't get caught. I didn't do anything but be your wife and I am going to therapy. I am feeling paralyzed again and I told you I didn't trust you still and you are still ignoring me. Are you embarrassed or do you feel bad? I am sure it is both but you need to talk to me. I am looking at other men wondering what if... I haven't done this since I met you and now I feel guilty. Look at what you have done to my head.......OMG I just want to go back to the place I was happy and not questioning everything you do. I am wondering if you really were so innocent 10 years ago. Not good.
You are a perfect husband. But you are not perfect for me and I will eventually leave you. I have to, because otherwise you will find out about all the shit I have done this past year and I don't want you to hurt you with that knowledge.
But since you will never read this, in the past year, here is what I did:
1. Kissed an Irishman
2. Got passed out drunk, had sex, and forced myself into believing it was date rape. Now I know it wasn't, and the biggest mistake I ever made was telling you about it because I have seen how much it destroyed you and that kills me.
3. Had sex with my female best friend, once while you were upstairs in bed waiting for me (and I will again)
4. Had Internet sex with my best friend's ex-boyfriend, who you also considered a friend (and I will again)
I think I will just keep doing worse and worse things to counterbalance the perfect life you have set up for us if I don't leave you.
Part of me does want to build that house with you and to have your children, and to continue to let you take care of me the way you have been doing. But only part.
I'm sorry. The only question left in my mind is when to tell you.
And I know you won't believe this soon, but I do love you, and I wish the evil bitch in me could go away but she won't.
It makes me sad to know that the evil bitch side of me has destroyed our marriage but she has and I need to leave and become one whole person again.
I will miss you and will mourn what could have been.
You know how for the last 26 years I’ve whined about your propensity to be cheery in the morning? Now that menopause is hitting, I’m waking up at 4. Then you wake up at your standard 5 ( which I’ve never, ever understood……) well, hey! I’m grateful for the friendly company. I don’t know how long this will last. I truly want to sleep again, god almighty how I love sleep. But in the meantime, here’s a new dimension to our boring, long-term relationship that I kind of like. Insomnia has a huge silver lining for now. It’s nice of you to abandon your thousand year old routine to hang around for a few minutes. I especially appreciate it because I know how desperately important routine is for you. But that’s another confession--and a less up-beat one, too.
When we met, I was overweight. Well, actually, I was goddam fat. You didn't seem to care. And then I lost a ton of weight (due to taking on an extra job, actually trying to lose weight, and being in love with you) and you seemed to like me even more. Then we got married and I got pregnant three months later and gained 110 pounds over the next nine months. Now our baby will soon be two years old, and I am still fat as hell. I weigh 280, and I feel really guilty and crappy about it. You never complain, never make any comments at all. Our sex life is okay; mostly I just take care of you. But I know it would be SO much better if I lose weight again. I really want to, for so many reasons....our sex life, my health, to not be a bad influence on our daughter, to be able to fit back into my cute clothes, to actually have a little self-esteem again..... But for some reason, I just can't get back on track. I'm too chicken to have bypass surgery or anything. I'm going to make another serious attempt at it. I know I can do it; I've done it before. I love that you aren't hard on me about it, but then again, maybe if you'd call me a "fat ass" or tell me I'm disgusting I could get motivated....
I love you and the fact that you see a future and want to marry me. It makes me so angry that you are letting your daughter ruin your mood about it. She is 9. She will get over it. Even if you aren't with me, you will eventually be with someone. And what about her mother who is shacking up with some loser and her two other kids? She says that she is worried I will come between you guys when I think her mother did that a long time ago.
I know we aren't meant to be married. It's been almost 10 years, but I keep ignoring the obvious because you are truly an all-around nice guy. You help with the house and the kids, you work hard to keep us comfortable, and your material needs are relatively few. We just lack the passion that should be in a marriage, and have lacked it from the very beginning. I thought that things would get better over time, but it's just not happening.
I'm starting to feel that this situation is starting to take an ugly turn. Every time I'm in the car by myself, I picture getting into a horrific car accident. I've even contemplated what it would be like to drive my car into a tree, full speed. Injuries and death fill the quiet space in my head. I'm being consumed with these thoughts of "escape", and I think it's because it's the only way I can think of to get away from you. Do normal people have these thoughts? Most likely, no. Then I think that I wish YOU would be the one to have an accident so that I could finally be free and move on.
I met you when I was 14. You approached me as if I was the most beautiful person you had ever seen. I often wondered why. I though that it was just a fluke and you were just being nice to me. In high school you were the popular boy /the pretty boy who had girls flocking to you by the hand full. Still you wanted me and I often wondered why. I was shy, naive, innocent, and afraid and my home life was depressing. I had low self-esteem. You were confident, happy, funny, and smart and the list goes on. We had a on and off again relationship for years. Your parents told me that you wanted to marry me right out of high school; you said you wanted to marry me. You told my parents that you wanted to marry me. I thought that we were going to be married. I had no doubt in my mind. You were my first everything. You mother told me that the reason that you would always come back to me was because I let you make mistakes and not hold it against you. You knew that I was what you wanted. I guess we were all wrong.
Fast forward 6 years. Early 20’s we lost contact during this time. No, you lost contact during this time. I would run after you and the calls became les and less until there were none. I still lived at the same address, had the same phone number. You could have contacted me if you wanted to. I had heard that you had gotten married, even though you say that it was not for love you still did it. I can not tell you how devastated I was. I did not understand. What happened? What did I do? How could you? How dare you? So I felt that I had no choice but try and move on. This was not my plan. You were the reason that I wanted to get up in the morning. You were all I though about, but I couldn’t have you. Was I that easy to forget? 5 years later I found someone else and got married.
Fast forward 11 years. Still married, three kids and I run into you. Damnit!!! You say that you still love me and I was the one. You say that your marriage was a mistake and it was not for love. I was the poster girl for being against people who cheat in a relationship, married or not. I have learned that you don’t know yourself until you have been tested and should never say never or judge someone for the decision they have made because you don’t know what you will do until you are in it.
You claim that you have not married because you could not see yourself marrying anyone else but me and would have thought that I would have done the same. Why? Why do you insist that you marrying someone else does not count? You also have kids.
We had an affair, not just once, but at your house, my house, in the car, the movies, way over 20 times I have never felt more complete than when I am around you. I was ready to leave my husband and risking breaking up my family. I would start arguments in hopes that he would have enough and he would ask for a divorce. That way I wouldn’t feel guilty. I don’t know who I am anymore. This isn’t who I was supposed to be. I didn’t believe in adultery. I know that you were/are the only one that this would have happened with. I decided to stop seeing you because it was too much for me and I wanted to be around you more and more. We haven’t seen each other in 6months and it is one again killing me I feel like I am right back at the beginning and I have to train my mind again to keep you on the back burner.
My husband did not deserve this. Even though he knows that you were my first love and that I never really got over you, he trusted me.
Even through I have had my own suspicions that he was cheating early in our marriage and I was right he still didn’t deserve this, like I didn't deserve it. I will never tell him because the only reason I would be confessing is to make myself feel better. It will do nothing but destroy him. This will go with me to the grave. You have the nerve to be mad at me because I got married. You say that you are struggling with this affair because you are torn between doing what it right and your feelings. You have reminded me that I took vows before God and my family and you use this against me to make yourself feel better. If I am not mistaken, you said the same vows in front of the same God that I did when you got married and you did not hold up your end of the bargain either. At least I had some feeling for the man when I got married and at that time felt that he was it.
I hate this. I hate this, I hate this. My life has been nothing but thoughts of you. I have thought about you everyday from the day that we met. I live in my own personal hell. I would never wish this on anyone. It is like I am stuck in purgatory. You are an addiction. Back in the day there were times that all I needed was to have my "fix" by hearing your voice, live or recorded and I could go a few days before I need my "fix" again. I am back to that again I need to have a sponsor so when the cravings would come I could work with someone to get through it. I can’t seem to forgive myself. I have prayed over the years that I could let you go. I have been a good girl all of my life and I decided to do one of the most frowned upon sins. A part of me wishes I never met you. Part of me wishes I wasn’t me.
I have tried to justify this by believing that my affair was different. That it was not with some random guy I had just met a few months before. I actually try and believe that our love was/is so strong and real that it has stood the test of time and it was something that could not have been helped. The realty is that an affair is an affair. Technically, I have had an affair of the heart with you from the beginning. You are not single either but the world would say that I was at fault because I am the married one. So does that mean that if she was to know what happened it would hurt her less because she was not your wife. She is the mother of your child. I try to believe that after 15 years your motive wasn’t just to get a piece of ass from this person who you know adores and worships the ground you walk on. I try to believe that I am not this stank whore with no morals. I try and believe a lot of things.
You said that you want to be to at least be able to contact each other because after all, we are friends. I have told you over and over that I am not strong when it comes to you and I have asked you to please say no when I get the urges. But you don’t. You claim that you are as addicted to me as I am to you. I would love to believe that but I have never figured out why you were attracted to me. I need to believe that you loved me at one point. I need to believe that there was a reason behind all of this and my prayers were not in vain.
The sad thing is that even if I was to leave my husband, I know deep in my heart that you would never marry me or even have a steady relationship with me. It would be just like high school, on and off and I would still be the one waiting for you to make up your mind. You can not commit to me or anyone else. There is something about us that just doesn’t work. I am tired, disgusted with myself and disgusted with you. Let me go. I am waiving the white flag, I want to be free.
Yesterday when we found out I was pregnant…. Was the happiest moment of my life. I know we have our little arguments now and then. Nobody’s perfect. But you have been so close to it that it makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world baby. I can’t wait for this bundle of joy to get here. People will never understand why we’re together. We are complete opposites, but it doesn’t matter. That’s what I need in my life. Just like I always tell you baby you complete me. You are the Ying to My Yang.
I love you.
More than anything in this world.