Instead of moaning about how sick you feel, I wish you could just ask me to give you attention. I realize that is what the "I feel so sick" stuff is about - and I think I would respond so much more kindly if you just ASKED for my attention. Telling me how ill you feel just makes me want to give you a pill and shut you the hell up.
I see him everyday at work. He is everything I always wanted in my life. For so long now, I have convinced myself that it was all one sided. In the past few weeks, he has let me know that he feels the same way. A relationship is impossible. We both know it. When we started flirting, I was married and he wasn't. Since this began, he has gotten married - and I'm still married. We love our spouses and don't want to hurt them or our children, but we can't fight this attraction anymore. So I am going to make the first move. I only plan to kiss him, but I don't think I would stop anything more from happening. I have been faithful for 9 years but that is about to change - tomorrow.
I'm confession #2474.
He unexpectedly proposed last night. I joyfully accepted.
The ring is perfect
You're no longer the person I married.
You spend every spare moment at the bottom of a bottle, and I hate the way you terrify the children. You've put on so much weight that you don't even resemble who you once were, the person I once fell for all those years ago. And yes, I'm now having an affair. After you've accused me of all those other infidelities - wrongly! - I finally found someone that loves me for who I am. Someone that I ache for, someone that gives me goosebumps just by thinking about her. She's beautiful. And I love her.
I feel so very guilty that I've trampled all over my wedding vows. I loved you back then, truly I did. But we've grown apart over the years, and the children are all we have in common now.
If it wasn't for my children I'd leave you right now. I know that I will never again find the intensity and passion I feel for her. But I can't because I know that you'd take them from me as soon as I told you that I was leaving. And it would hurt them so to be with you; it'd damage them irretrievably to be bossed around and used by you. And so I'm stuck, living a lie, living only for the times when I can be with my darling lover. And I think that somewhere, deep in the dark, scarred bowels of your soul that you already know. I know that you snoop around, rat-like, looking for clues, looking for an excuse to fight. Maybe soon I'll just stop bothering to erase my texts or emails, let you see for yourself how little I care for you now.....
I am madly in love with a man I work with. He has the most incredible blue eyes and you can tell that he loves to talk to me. He knows I am married, but I want him, and I want him to want me too. I go to bed thinking about him and wake up, looking forward to seeing him each day. I want one kiss .. one kiss........is that so terrible? Truthfully, I don't want to settle for one kiss, I want to be in his bed. I want to touch him, smell him and be ravished by him.
This is the only relationship I've ever been faithful in. Interesting since it is the worst. So many times I should have left you for the all the sadness, embarrassment, and humilitation I have allowed you to put me through. But, I stayed.
Now there is a man who has shown real interest in me and we have been flirting and testing the waters for months. After so many years of being a mommy and working and going to school and supporting our family on my own I am beginning to feel like a woman again. He is helping me to feel that way. The only next step is to do something physical with him. I've been hesitant for many different reasons, that I never considered when I was younger, but last night, you made the decision for me.
When I was fussing over something silly on my face and said it might leave a scar, you looked at me and said, "Who cares? It doesn't matter anymore"! I looked at you and you shrugged. You were not joking! I can't remember the last time you gave me a compliment or held my hand or kissed me with more than a peck. All I can remember is the times you told me you didn't like my hair, or how my body is not the same since the babies came, or why can't I be more like so and so, or remember when you used to look this way!
I am tired. You have drained me and any love I felt you at some point has long since gone. Now it's only tolerance. And yes, I am going to cheat on you with a person you despise, not because you know them, but because of what they are, and I am going to love it. And that wasn't planned, it just worked out that way:)
I think you've become less responsible since we've been married. And I totally blame myself because you are spoiled. You've forgotten how to think on your own. It is not necessary for you to remember to take out the trash...you know that I will either a) remind you to do it a gazillion times or b) simply do it myself. It is not necessary for you to bathe the kids because you know that I will either a) remind you to do it or b) simply do it myself. You have no need to remember to pay the bills, unload the dishwasher, or put the laundry in the dryer because you know that I will either a) remind you these things need to be done or b) simply do it myself. Do you see a recurring theme? Do not gripe about my nagging, if you would take some INITIATIVE to do any of these things above I would not need to remind you. The fact is you can't remember which feet your shoes go on unless I am there to remind you. I am not your secretary, maid, or mother - I am going to work to re-train you to think of these things on your own. You're a big boy, I know you can do it - you've just gotten lazy about thinking by yourself.
Gee, guess what honey? Our bank's credit services just called. The guy said that the back amount owed on your ******** credit card is now $260. Strangely, this is the same card that you told me that the balance was transfered to the ********* card and it's now closed. Looks like you are lying to me again, huh? Big surprise. And it's about money. Shocker. Maybe I should just accept the fact that as long as I am with you, I am always going to be in debt. You don't understand the need to work to be free of it. I can't do it by myself, especially when you make 2/3 of the household income, and you lie to me about things like credit cards, which you had NO BUSINESS OPENING IN THE FIRST PLACE. HOW FUCKING DUMB CAN YOU BE??? I guess your sister is right though, I should be grateful that you're just a pain in the ass, and not a pain in the ass with no job, like your brother. Set that bar high, right?
I'm trying, right now, to work up the energy to be upset that you've lied to me, once again. Hmmmm. Somehow it's just not happening. I don't care anymore. And you wonder why things are strained between us. Why don't you think really hard about that?
Oh, this is good. You just answered my email asking you what was the deal with this credit card. Here's your answer, word for copied-and-pasted word:
"I just spoke with some Indian woman on Sunday about that, she admitted they were in error, and will have everything fixed by 6/15. Tell them to call me next time."
Um, yeah. Do you really think that I believe ANY of this shit? To your face, I pretend like I am giving you the benefit of the doubt, but I KNOW YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT. I wonder what excuse you will have when they call again next month, telling me you are now like $350 past due on that card? Will it be another Indian woman on the phone that you've worked things out with? Or, "It was a computer-generated letter, they made a mistake", like last month? I can't wait to hear the next excuse. You see, I KNOW you're lying. I can't prove it, but I know it like I know myself. After 17+ years of living with you, it's so obvious when you are lying. I don't know why you keep doing something that you are so very, very bad at. Just for the record, I DON'T BELIEVE A GODDAMNED WORD YOU SAY.
You just called. You've been on the phone with the bank. The problem, you say, is that you closed that first account, but the bank didn't actually close it. It's the bank's fault. Funny, that's been your story for about six months now. Every month..."Oh, it's taken care of now. I thought it was closed, but it wasn't. But NOW it is." Every month, it's the same bullshit. Then you launched into a big, long-winded explanation of how the two cards were supposed to be merged, but someone at the bank goofed (eyeroll), and after that all I really heard was "blah, blah, blah." Same shit, different situation. Different situation, same lies. The funny part is that you think I actually believe what you're saying. Do you realize how ridiculous this bullshit is that you're asking me to swallow? I know that you know I'm not stupid, so why do you ask me to believe this unfathomable bullshit? $1600 in late fees and mysterious other fees, in SIX months? Really? I'm speechless right now that you even think for one second that I would buy ANY of that. God, I am just so, so tired.
My darling husband. We've only been married a year and a half and I love you so deeply. You give me so much freedom... So much that I sometimes lose the way. With no boundaries, I seek out others for my own wicked desires. One of my exes came back from out of the country. You've been gone at work, making sacrifices to assure we will always live comfortably. You poor thing. Working your toned butt off and passing out in front of your laptop at the end of the night miles and miles away from your own bed. I love you. But I love my freedom. I love the affairs I've had. My ex is back as I said. We've made love almost every time we've been together. When you come home and you stretch out your weary arms tome, you have no idea that another man has been wrapped around my body, covering me with his scent. Your eyes are so sad and poetic. I'll hold and comfort you forever my love but I am a virile woman with needs. If you are not going to give it to me regularly, then I'll find someone that will. I'm only sorry that I don't feel any regret or guilt. In fact, it only leaves me wanting more...
After everything we've been through together, I just can't believe that you would want to break up with me over something I said about our neighborhood. You say I don't understand. But I really do. You grew up here and this neighborhood, shitty as it is, is a big part of your life. When you see people you went to school with, old friends, even some relatives - on the streets buying or selling dope, prostituting, or broke - it must be very depressing. And it just seems like things keep getting worse. I understand all that, and I have told you as much. But is the neighborhood and my lack of understanding in your eyes really worth you getting so pissed off and not speaking to me for three days? There must be some bigger issue that you are pissed about, or maybe you just don't love me. This isn't the first time you've gotten mad at me over a small issue and decided to "break up". THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID! I used to get al l upset and cry and beg you to forgive me for whatever I had done (and the majority of the time I didn't even know what that was). I'd kiss your ass and walk with my head down until you finally got over it. But not anymore. If you have no more feeling for me than to treat me this way, then fine. I'm over it. Last night, after you said "I'm done with you", you thought I was going to give you a blowjob. It was the first time I've ever refused to do what you wanted. And it felt good. I am not your sex slave, and I will never sleep with you again if we are not "together". I was determined to hold our family together no matter what - no matter what I had to put up with, how many times I had to swallow my pride, or how shitty you treated me. After all we have been through together - over three years together, the birth of our daughter, the death of your brother, the death of my grandmother, your alcoholism, surviving Hurricane Katrina, your health problems, your tax situation, your ex-wife and child support problems, an interracial marriage, and my family disowning me - I was finally beginning to think that we were a strong family and it would take something huge to ever come between us. It infuriates me that I was so wrong. I'm not glad that you want it to be over. Far from it. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone (besides our little girl), I intended to spend the rest of my life with you, and you are [were] my best friend. But obviously I had the wrong idea about everything. You're not who I thought you were, and our marriage/family/life must not be important to you. The funny thing is I know that you're thinking I'm going to pack up and leave and take the baby with me. But I'm not. That house is half mine - it's in my name too. I am the one who has nowhere else to go - you have other family members. I'm stayi ng. You can leave or move into the other bedroom. Meanwhile I'm going to be saving my money so that I can eventually leave. You should have the house you grew up in and the neighborhood you love so dearly. I hope your old ass has enough time to start over and have another family that is picture perfect, completely understands you, and can read your messed-up mind.
With much anger, hurt, and bitterness,