You’ve been working so much lately. It’s been really difficult for me to deal with. But getting those flowers you sent, just because you miss me, made me realize why I’m with you.
Thanks for the reminder of why I love you sweetie.
I am very glad that you all, my college friends are doing so well. I am glad you are all so happily married and have such great high-paying jobs. I really am. You are my friends and I want all of you to be happy but DAMN would it kill any of you to show a little consideration for me, the single mom in the group, when we make plans to get together? Last Fall I had to beg, borrow and steal (okay not really steal) to scrape up the $$ for my share of that mountain cabin we rented for our reunion weekend, but it was worth it. We all had a great time and our children really hit it off. I am way to proud to tell you to your faces that I had to pack pb&j sandwiches for lunch, sit home weekends when I didn’t have my children, and borrow money from my mother to make that happen. My thoughts were that if all of you can afford a really nice place with lots of amenities, it would not be fair of me to ask you to slum it to accommodate me. Now you are talking about doing the same thing this Fall and I have a big decision to make. Weighing into this balance are my two children who have already begun to ask when we are going back because we did have a great time. That is not really the reason for this rant, although it does add to my angst.
What really pisses me off is this weekend. We were all getting together for a cookout this weekend and the host of the cookout said anyone who needs to spend the night is welcome. Since I have to drive the farthest (3 hours one way) I kind of figured that offer was extended to me specifically. So we make the plans exchanging lots of emails over the course of a couple of weeks, almost 2 months ago. 1 month ago we get an email from one family backing out but the rest of us are all still on. Then I don’t hear anything for a month so I send out an email “Hey guys! Can’t wait for this weekend. Let me know if I can bring anything!” The email I get back is from our hosts saying “Oh gosh. Sorry. More people backed out and now M has a business trip so we have to cancel the overnight thing but hey why don’t we do lunch Sunday!” WHAT? Do you seriously expect me to take a 6 year-old and a 7 year-old on a 6 hour round trip in the middle of summer with gas $4.00 a gallon for LUNCH! I can’t even describe to you what a hell trip that would be, but I don’t have to because you have kids so you already know. Now I have two children who were looking forward to a sleep-over at their friends’ house who have to be told it is cancelled. One of them, in particular, is going to be heartbroken. How is it that you don’t get that? And all of it I could understand. Shit happens…except I get the idea that it didn’t just happen this week. How long have you known about the change in plans. Was I talking to my kids about this weekend and getting them all excited about it after you decided to uninvite us? I think so. And I would usually be the last to put words into someone else’s mouth, but I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that I can just take the kids somewhere else this weekend to make this up to them. WRONG! I can not afford a replacement trip that will come anywhere near making them forget about the one they were looking forward to. I am a single mom. I have gone back to school so I can get a job that will allow me to take better care of my family on my own. Just because I don’t complain about my finances does not mean they are not an issue.
You know, it is not just you guys, but this was really the straw that broke the camel’s back. I am so sick and tired and emotionally exhausted from dealing with people whose word means nothing. Am I the only person left on the planet who considers their word to be their bond? If I say I am going to do something, I fucking do it! If circumstances beyond my control prevent me from doing it (and how often does that ever really happen?) I do everything in my power to make it right for the people I have disappointed. And what really sucks is that in my children’s eyes I am the one who let them down. I am the one who promised an awesome weekend and didn’t deliver. Know what? I just made up my mind. We are not going to the mountains this fall. My children will be sorry to miss time with their friends but I doubt you are raising them to be any more considerate than you are, so maybe we will all be better off.
Im having an affair.....something I never thought I would do. Everyday I want to touch and look and feel something. I search for a way to be better at my marriage.........to be happier - but whoever said we were supposed to be happy every day in our marriages? SO back to this affair........I do this everyday when I come home from work - I am completely focused on this one thing and cant help but feel like I am cheating.........I am having an affair with my PC. It has taken over my life somehow and it now takes more of my time then anything else...........I am constantly looking, searching, reading, posting, blogging. Maybe it comes from my husband playing video games all the time..........I dont know..............but I dont like it..........then again how else am I going to feel anything.........
I have a broken foot and you keep telling me I have to stay off it to get better. I stopped working, The kids are away, and I am reading my book, now at the computer and you are out riding your motorcycle and are mad at me because I wouldn't go with you to walk around the carfest. Are you OK?? Oh yeah and what do I make for dinner asshole?
Last weekend youre friends went out drinking and got into a bar fight.
You didnt go, but yesterday you tell me "if i would have gone i would have gotten in a fight and gone to jail"
What the fuck.
At that very moment i lost so much respect for you.
I thought that since i'm pregnant you had gotten past that whole "macho" immature bullshit.
youre having a kid for gods sake.
youre going to be a FATHER.
Cut the childish crap!!!
I know everyone has told me to prepare for "the worst"
I was at first, but i've been on cloud nine the last few weeks that i hadn't thought about it at all.
well nice way of bringing me back done to earth.
I have to think now that they're is ALWAYS a possibility of me having to do this on my own.
and to make matters worse,
ever since we got the joint bank account, i've been having insufficient fees every single month!!!
stop spending my money!!!!!!
youre putting me in more debt than what i need asshole.
how the hell can i save up money for the baby if im paying $200 worth of bank fees???!!!!
So you finally got your child support situation straightened out. Finally. Looks like your daughter, even though she's going on 22, is determined to get the money out of you anyway, since she comes by every week asking for money. She only stays long enough to get the money, she never calls, and she didn't even get you a Father's Day card. But she came the next day asking for gas money, even though she said she'd just been out to eat. She knows I cook every night, but that's not good enough for her. Her new outfit, new hairdo, and new manicure and pedicure were cute too. Guess she has money for some things. (Too bad I get my shit from WalMart and thrift stores.) Then she comes by a week later wanting money to go eat out at a fancy restaurant. She makes minimum wage and can't keep a job. She has no business living so freaking luxuriously. But you gave her the money again. Even though I had just cooked fried chicken, rice&gravy, biscuits, snap beans & potatoes, and a buttermilk poundcake for Sunday dinner. Apparently that's not good enough either. I'm less than a decade older than her, and I doubt she is thrilled about that, but I've never been anything but freaking NICE AS HELL to her. You and her mom had been divorced for eight years, and you never had any contact with her mom, so it's not like I stole you from anyone.... And I hate that she is so critical of our daughter, who is only 2. She rarely sees her, but when she does she bosses her around or criticizes everything - she can't ride a bike yet, she doesn't go to a good enough daycare, her shirt has a few spots of juice on it (even though it's 7 p.m. and I'm about to give her a bath).... She just gets on my nerves SO BAD...and through gritted teeth I just let it all slide. It hurts me that she is such a shitty and careless daughter to you, even though you have always tried to be a good dad to her. It's not your fault her mother is psycho. It's funny because I thought that even though you were a good bit older than me and you had been divorced and had a daughter, at least the daughter was over eighteen and I didn't have to worry about all the step-parent/childsupport/etc. drama. Boy was I wrong. We have so many bills, including extremely high daycare costs, your prescriptions, doctor bills, insurance...and tons more...and I try to be so careful with money. But then here she comes with her hand stuck out, wearing her new Gap jeans and holding her brand new cell phone (a different one every other month, no joke), and new rims on her car, designer sunshades, eating out every meal.... Why do I bother? Maybe this weekend I'll take our baby to the movies (she's never even been) and out to eat somewhere and maybe buy her a new outfit somewhere besides WalMart.
I've come to terms that you do not love me. I don't think you have for a while now. I think on some level, whether you realize it or not, you're actually still trying to get back at me for my mistakes. I know I fucked up and cheated. I went to another man when I should've gone to you. I get that, I admitted to it, and I did everything I could to make up for it. You had me believing that going through with the divorce was my punishment, fair and square. I accepted that. You claimed you forgave me and weren't holding the past against me anymore. But yet, for the past few years, you've strung me along in a manner that makes me wonder if you are indeed trying to get back at me for that brief year. C'mon, it's been over 5 years since it happened, over 4 years since our divorce was finalized. And I let you walk all over me I don't know how many times. Lately, all of the signs of you being "not into" me are there. I kept making excuses for you. YOU kept making excuses. Now I see what they really are - you trying to tell me that you just are not into me and don't want to be with me. You keep bringing up shit that the fucked up ex girlfriend said to you and using her nasty and hateful words as a reason why you can't be with me. I'm getting tired of it.
I'm done. I'm done with you and your excuses, lies, and random bullshit. I'm done being available when you suddenly feel like it. I'm done tripping over myself just to hear you say that you still care. I tell you that I still love you and you can't even bring yourself to admit to anything more than caring. Fuck, you "care" about your female friend. But what about me? What about the woman who stood by you through everything over the past few years? Who tried to help you when you almost lost your house? Who tried to get you to go counseling and then stick with it? I should've known then when you gave all that credit to your female friend despite me being the one who was trying to encourage you for over a year. Who paid some of your bills? Who stepped up to help you with the kids when your family no longer could? I did all that and more. And this is how you repay me? Blowing me off yet again and feeding me some crap about how you supposedly forgot your phone but yet I've never seen you forget it? EVER? I'm done with your bullshit.
And know what's sad? In about a week or so, you'll act like everything is fine and I'll foolishly let you back in. I gotta find strength to tell you to fuck off. Maybe that bitch was right. I'm moving on. I'll find someone who will love me completely and will WANT to be with me. And when I do, I will not be there for you. You're on your own buddy. Don't even come looking for a lay. Fuck you
Where oh where do I start? Here I am, a year and a half after meeting you, still struggling with the fact that I’m madly in love with you. The worst part of it all… is you continue to lead me on. You keep coming back into my life, just when I start to feel a little separation from you. Why do you do that to me? You are such a self serving fucking ass hole! Like seriously, you know how much hurt you have caused me, you know how much I love and care for you. So you didn’t think that, calling me a couple months of go saying “Baby, I love you so much, I miss you like crazy, things are different now…you will see” would affect me? I have not felt that happy like that, I’m pretty sure ever in my life; ok when I had my kids that is number one; but this was a close second. My heart was racing, I swear I started to sweat, I was smiling ear to ear, and of course the butterflies were going crazy in my tummy. I was on cloud nine when I laid my head down on my pillow that night. Then when we spoke the next day, I confronted you about it, so scared that maybe it was all a dream…but you said that you meant every word. Then the next few weeks go by and not only do I not see you, I don’t even hear from you. Every day that went by a piece of my heart was breaking away!! I get so wrapped up in thinking about you, stressing over you, wanting to be with you and see you, hear your voice that I just go crazy. I want to stop loving you so much. Not seeing you doesn’t stop the feelings. Not talking to you just makes me miss you even more. What can I do to realize I need to stop wasting my time and life waiting on you.
You are the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. I know this because when I think of us being together I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything or anyone. I haven’t wanted anyone or anything else like this in my life.
If someone can tell me how to forget about you and move on, please, please let me know! You take my love for you for granted and you use it against me. You think that you can treat me like crap, because you know I’ll still love you anyways. You think I will still sleep with you. Well the last time we hung out that was going to be the plan, I wasn’t going to sleep with you! Then when I wanted to be intimate with you, it was you who shot me down! It hurt me like hell, and I’m sorry that at the time I couldn’t be more supportive on what you were dealing with. Which was a big bomb that’s for sure, but I didn’t know what you expected of me. I have done so much changing, I've got a better job, I have lost alot of weight, and I'm looking and feeling my best...and then for you to deny me, I was heartbroken.
We have always had the most amazing and passionate sex, we always feel most connected when we are locked eye to eye, lip to lip. When I kissed you that night, I know it took your breath away as well as my own! You were out of breath and your voice was weak when you asked me, “you ok?” afterwards. I think that’s why you didn’t want to make love to me. You are afraid of those feelings for me coming crashing down on you. Especially when you still have to deal with the drama of your ex. Which brings me to a whole different issue. I am so tired of that stupid fat bitch, I have no idea what you even see in her. She has you so manipulated, it is ridiculous! I am tired of coming second to someone you bitch about so regularly to me!! I have been there for you through so much of that bullshit and what do I get? I am tired of feeling not good enough for you. It was kind of nice telling you that I could probably get bigger and better than you now. You told me I was being an ass hole, and yeah maybe you’re right; but you definitely had it coming! I am tired of giving you my best, and she gets the best from you!!
I just want you to love me back. I pray everyday that we can be together one day. I don’t see other men, or have sex with anyone else because I just want to be with you. I don’t want to ruin my chances and I know you know that, and probably have this big control freak thing going on. Even though you ask me sometimes if I’ve been with anyone else, and when I say no you act disappointed… I know you would hold it against me later.
I dream about you so often, and every time I want to fall right back asleep so I can continue dreaming about being with you. It always feels so real, and even though I know being in a relationship with you would be no cake walk; I would have you; and that’s what would make me happy. I crave those big brown eyes looking at me all dopey like you do, those full soft and kissable lips. I miss having to stand on my tippy toes just to get a kiss. Oh do you kiss so good. I love how you put your hand in my hair to pull my face closer to yours, you grab me around my waist to hold me tighter. I miss our drinks breaks, our Trailer Park Boys marathon nights, all the laugh til your belly hurt times... I miss those days, - - - - - - - .
Lets find happiness together…… love always, me.
Dear Dearest Dippy.....
Sometimes when im mad at you......I dont need you to try to fix it....I just want to be mad for a while, It doesnt mean I love you any less....its doesnt mean that our marriage is " on the rocks" it means that im human and that I have passionate feelings toward you and its a good thing....yes even anger.....because it means that I still care enough to have those feelings! So When im mad at you don't be to quick to try to make me laugh like you do so often....just let me be mad for a while, I promise you I will eventually get over it, but i need to get over it in my own time....not yours, there are other times when im upset with you that i need you to be compassionate and try to help me with that quickly....I dont expect you to know which time is what so I promise to tell you what i need from you instead of assuming that you can read my mind!
Oh and just as a btw......Thank you from the bottom of my heart for agreeing to go into marriage counseling with me... you will see that that very small act of agreeing to go with me may have very well saved our marriage!
Also thank you for agreeing to stop being friends with xxxxx.....even though she was just a friend to you, she threatened me in so many ways I cant count and the biggest thing with her was that she only wanted to hang out with you WITHOUT ME OR OUR KIDS! I pray that you see that down the road that would have blown up in your face and it was already starting to complicate things in our marriage! Just know that asking you to do that for me was one of the hardest things I think ive ever had to ask of you!
You really are the Love of my life....Yes even when we dont get along even when im so pissed at you that i refuse to sleep in the same room as you....which isnt often, even when I tell my friends Im having second thoughts about being with you.....PLEASE KNOW that deep down inside I cant imagine my life without you. We may have it rough right now and yes its difficult for me to admit that we are in marriage counseling because to me thats admitting that what im doing in my relationship is either not working or completely wrong....and we both know how i HATE to be wrong, but I love you babe, I would go to the ends of the earth and back if i knew it would keep us together! Just know that i will do everything in my power to keep our marriage strong!
I miss you dearly come home from training soon so we can spend the next 8 months until you leave for iraq together with our kids making wonderful memories!
Your often indecisive wife
I faked my orgasm today. I wasn't feeling it, and you were so focused on trying to get me to come. I'm sorry. I rarely have faked it - but sometimes I'm just not into it.