I hate that I miss you on Sundays. I know it isn't you that I miss but the image of you - of a loving husband, which you were not. I still wish you would have fought for us. I am going to find someone who thinks I am worth fighting for. I hate the fact that I still miss you. But I am proud that it has been a month and I have not contacted you. I am just waiting for the hurt to go away.
i must say i love you very very much you are definitely the first person i have ever fell in love with and it has taken me 20 + yrs to finally let it happen. However i know deep down inside we aren't meant to be together for the rest of our lives, we're both young and you're younger than me and i know this isn't it for us. i feel horrible sometimes stringing you along and making you believe that i believe we are going to get married and have kids and move away and grow old, i keep thinking if i say it and agree with you enough i'll start to believe it, truth is
i dont want that....not with you... you are caring, sweet, and there when i need you and the sex is out of this world amazing, but yet you're so immature and dumb you do whatever you want to do and you are not trust worthy, way too jealous and any little thing alters your whole attitude towards me, like talking to a friend for 30-40mins on the phone when you've spent the passed 8 days with me is ridiculous, your friends are worthless sons of no good assholes, we've been thru too much and it amazes me how you know all the things i shouldn't be doing or do, but yet you turn around and do them yourself. you do things that are hurtful and disrespectful and your excuse is "i just don't know, i don't think" i hate your family with a passion except one person, yes i believe you cheated on me with her, i know you did. it still hurts me to this day, everyday i find it more and more harder to kiss you like i use to, sometimes your whole existence annoys the shit out of me. but yet i do still love you too much, and everyday i hope somewhere deep down inside i can fell like i use to when we first kissed, when we first made love and i don't, what we have is great but it isn't long lasting, i just hope when we finally end this its on good terms because i believe you'll be the greatest friend..
If I had known you would turn out like this, I never would have married you. Yes, we have four bright and beautiful children, but you are a miserable failure as both a husband and father. When you tease the kids incessantly until they cry and then you laugh? Guess what? They aren't having fun! They are learning to hate you! They all complain to me about you when you aren't around. We spend so much of our lives trying to figure out how to avoid being the brunt of your jerky behavior. When you sulk around the house making snide comments to and about me? Well at first my love for you died a little more each day, but now (since it has been long dead for years) it just reminds me what a self-centered asshole you are. You are, I think, THE most selfish adult I have ever met. You are incapable of thinking about anyone other than yourself. You are incapable of having empathy for anyone else's troubles or feelings and in fact take delight in creating stress and problems. When we met I was a happy and fun person, your emotional abuse over the last 13 years has ruined any chance I had for a good life, and I hate you for it. I wish the rest of the world could see you for what you really are.
Last night you installed new porch lights. I watch you stand on that rickety ladder, holding the fixture in one hand, switching tools out of your ripped and baggy work pants with the other, wrapping the electrical tape with those long artistic fingers of yours, that cute little wrinkle of concentration you get between your eyes.... Hubba hubba! You have NO idea how sexy you are. Oh, baby! You get my current flowin'.
Maybe next week we can ::wink wink:: sand the deck.
I feel more like your mother and maid than your wife.
I love watching you play with the kids.I fall in love with you over and over when I see you with them. You, my love, are just as goofy as they are and I love you for it.
Sweetie I love you with everything I got but I'm bored.
we have been together for so long that I think you forgot that I was here.
I know you love me but you seem to love your poker even more. true you have cut back on
playing so much which I do appreciate. but it still takes up our weekends.
you play every Thursday night, then on Fridays you leave the house at six thirty in the evening
and do not return home until five thirty the next morning.
you sleep for most of the day on Saturday, we spend a couple of hours together,
a movie, dinner. we return home. come Sunday
you sleep until noon or later, you get pissed if I ask you do something with me.
then you get up get dressed and go play another poker game!
What happened??? We used to have so much fun together, now we just have a routine,
I wish I had the fun and exciting man i met seven years go back. please find him for me....
You tell me all the time that when I am sleeping you touch me, and try to have s** with me WHILE I'M SLEEPING! You told me that the other night you were able to get my pants off but then I woke up. So your telling me that you would have s** with me while I am sleeping? You say that ALL men do this to there woman but I don't think that they do at least not the one's that respect there wives. Maybe I will cut off your you know what while your sleeping how about that?
This could be long. For now I'll just say: I'm SO glad I made you get fixed...I know its bad, but I would always have compared our kids with what the kids I would have (gladly!) had with Him (gorgeous- people used to STARE at us and tell us what beautiful children we would have) I still love him, after all these years, you know a lot (not all) about it. Back to reality, though:
The one question I can never answer is WHY you married me- you don't like sex! I do....a LOT. Enough so that its a problem now, a big one. Remember when we were dating and I was SO clear and upfront about my sexual needs? YOU LIED TO ME, no two ways about it. I know you were a virgin and there were some small specifics you didn't know, but really, since you were thirty-friggin'-two when we got married, I figured that you must know yourself well enough by now. I was wrong.
You never had a plan, you have no goals and ambitions past feeding yourself more gross junky food and playing the guitar all day long. You are just thoughtless and selfish enough that you would have let me stay working at the office, 45+ hours a week, being miserable and getting fatter, drinking too much every night, forever. You also would have agreed to having a baby- why I'm not sure, you don't know what to do with kids and you would have been a pretty bad father. Again, I'm SO glad I made you get fixed- it comforts me that you will never be able to replicate your lazy ass.
I'm seriously thinking about leaving you- if my lover (oh, ya, by the way, I have one, he's your age but in such great shape and he does EVERYTHING just right. He's been in love with me for a while. We have been off and on, mostly on, for about four years.) gets everything together just right. We talk about having a baby (and how cute it would be) all the time, our families are already friends, my parents know him and would love him (after they got over the embarrassment of me leaving you and getting in "trouble") as a son in law. He asked me to stop sleeping with you, and after almost a decade of making ALL the moves on/for you, it hasn't been hard...I only did it out of forms' sake and to keep you from being suspicious, its not like I enjoy our passionless, kissing-free, bad/no oral/only in bed, stupefyingly boring "sex". What's funny is, you don't seem to notice that we haven't done it since April AT ALL, and its almost June. I wonder how long it will be till you notice.
Ps. The cats like me best. Oh ya, by the way, you drove me to drugs; I get high every day and you never even notice. I've been smoking pot most days (to sleep) since about November. Awesome!
About 14 years ago, we met...you weren't my boyfriend, just a "friend"...I had a boyfriend at the time, and you were younger than me so I never really took you seriously. I used to use my boyfriend's truck to drive an hour to go see you, regularly, and cheat with you. Eventually you got a girlfriend and we stopped talking...last year, by accident, I found you online and emailed you . Turns out you're dating a friend of mine and have been for a few years...small world. We finally all got a chance to see each other again and it was really great to see you both and see you so happy. But part of me still wants you. I want to know if you're as good now as you were then and if anything's changed. I want to tell you that you were my first love and old flames never really die, they just smolder at a slow burn.