I'm confession #2467......i'm fairly new to this, but its become a place where i can vent when i feel i have no where to turn.
Your comments were all greatly appreciated, but i wanted to clear up a few things. As we all know, there are ALWAYS two sides to every story. I was angry at him that day and ommited a few things that I really should have mentioned.
I have cheated on him. With two ex boyfriends. Nothing big. Just kissed them both. I know that no matter how small, all cheating is wrong. And I know that this is why his jealousy has taken over. He's really a great person that didn't deserve that. I know i messed up but i've been trying hard to show him that it wont happen again. It happened so long ago that i feel he should see all the things i do for him now and forgive me. I know its not fair on my part to expect him to forgive me but im trying so hard.
Our only problem is his jealousy issues. He doesnt cheat. He doesnt like porn. He cooks. He cleans. He gives me back massages when i've had a long day at work. He pleases me before himself. He's pretty perfect in every other way.....if i could just get him to trust me. I know its my fault. I KNOW.....
I just really love him and I will spend the rest of my life showing him how much i really do care.
No i will not "run away" and no i will not "let him go"
I know some of the things he's done aren't right. But i know i haven't been perfect either.
We have an incredible love between us....and i will not let that go
I am embarrassed that I am jealous of your wife. And that is just stupid because what did I expect. I have sex with my husband, too, so all is fair in this little game we’ve got going on. Still, I wish you could hide it better. Probably that is something you need to get better at. And I need to get better at not obsessing over the whole damn thing. Infidelity is tough. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking… I am not sure I am made for this. I am committed to my life at home but I am also committed to you. Selfish little bastards, aren’t’ we? We both want our cake AND eat it too. Sigh. If I want this all like I say I do, I gotta be lighter hearted when it comes to her. I’m not sure I can. I guess we’ll wait and see… but it would be nice to know you have these feelings about him. Somehow, I don’t think that’s the case, cause you’re a man. I knew what I was getting into but I still don’t know if I am cut out for this. And no one to talk to.
- the other woman
You have made me so happy in the past. I love how your face lights up when we see each other, even now. I love your smile, your not-so-funny jokes that no one else gets, the way your eyes twinkle when you are thinking something silly. I love the fact that you collect toys and actually let my kids play with them instead of freaking out and telling them they can't. I love your hand in mine, the hugs, you calling me kiddo.
I haven't seen you since January and I know that it is because of her. I hope you open your eyes soon because I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that she is up to her old tricks and is trying to accuse you of it just so you don't see right through her. You have put on quite a bit of weight, smoking a lot again, and I wish there was something I could do to help you..make you realize that you are a wonderful, special man who deserves love like we have for each other. You let her put you down, ruin your self-esteem, treat you like trash. You are better than that! You keep telling me that I deserve someone who can love me like I should be, well so do you.
I still love you even though we haven't been a couple in 9 months..and I always will.
some people regret pieces of their life.. i regret the whole thing. i hate that i always see women that i know, or even that i don't know, that have what i feel you should have given me. i know that alot of what i am missing is a result of the stupid decisions that i made, but you could have done more for me a long time ago. and now, here i am 27 with 4 kids and the most fun i have is when i am by myself fantasizing of going back in time to fix my life. i hate you with a passion, you make me sick to my stomach. if i wasn't so strong i swear i would become an alcoholic like you. i resent you, but the saddest of all is that i resent my kids, i feel they hold me back. I've even fantasized about what i would do if they weren't here. not that i would ever hurt them or leave them, I'm too good of a mother and love them to much for that. but sometimes, i wish that i had had that abortion the first time around like my mother begged me to. i don't feel like i have had any fun in my life. i feel trapped in a bubble. and trapped by you. you are such a selfish ignorant person that i have carried on my back for years. and i wish that i could go back and erase you and 99 percent of my life, and just be me again. not just your wife or your kids mother. but just me
This is how I feel. I am angry at you and so after putting up with your verbal abuse and sometimes cheating on me, on at least 8 occassions, I did the same. You called me names, told me that I was a pearshaped cow and even left my underwear size posted on my computer to humiliate me. So I met this guy who is only 29, and we have been having sex on a regular basis. He loves my fat bottom and flat chest and you don't. I have been very disgusted and angry with you for years and bored so bad in bed, that I actually started counting how many times that I have faked my orgasms with you. I say that in 8 years, I faked at least 500 times. But the strange thing is that now, I cum with you, and only because you are so stupid and clueless. Your ignorance turns me on. You think that I am so excited and wet for you, but I am full of my man's cum. You complained once that I seemed too loose and he is the reason. And the time you found my panties and asked why there was so many curly, kinky black hairs in the crotch, again, it was him.
So listen up you fool. When you think we are having the greatest sex the last 18 months and that I am literally dripping for you, well chump, it's the mess my boyfriend made with his twelve inch penis, and your five inches are just swimming in his cum every time, actually 85 times. How does it feel to know that you are about 7 inches from the end and that my boyfriend is black? Insane I hope.
Sometimes I dream about you dying, because it would be so much easier than divorce.
I know every single one of your passwords. Email, Myspace, Facebook, I know them all. I have known them for years. I read your email every single day. I have done so for years. If you did that to me, I would freak. But you are really so innocent...anything I've uncovered you've always told me about, unprompted. Whether it be conversations with exes, interesting messages, whatever...you've always been so open and trusting. I used to see lots of purchases for porn subscriptions...but not so much anymore. I'm over that anyways.
Thanks, and I'm really sorry, but I can't help it!
You have all this faith and me and I am not living up to it. but I am not leaving you and I haven’t stopped loving you. I just want it all. I know this is not like me and probably you would be in shock to know of the goings on in my heart… and his bed. Ah but I want to be sweet to you and the children and I don’t want you to go. I am acting like a man who can compartmentalize all the feelings and that is scaring me a little bit. The whole affair is so good, and you and me are so good. I am not sure I am cut out for this. How have I justified this? I don’t feel guilty. but I have feelings of jealousy that I should not be having, because all of it is never going beyond a bedroom. There are so many things on my mind, and no one to talk to.
- your wife
I hate your kids!!!!!!!!!!!! Your selfish , rude, over sensitive kids. I hate that I am a Stepmom what a thing to be. I do all I can for you and your kids. You point out to me constantly how they are your kids so you take care of them. I don't want to have anything to do with them. You make me sick sometimes pretending to be this great dad huh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You never think about them you joined the military and choose post after post farther and farther away from them. When we do get to see those little brats you give them whatever they want and they could never do anything wrong your eyes. I wish I would have married a man who didn't have kids or an ex wife. IF I ONLY WOULD HAVE KNOWN HOW MUCH I HATE THIS I WOULD HAVE TURN AROUND AND RAN AS FAST AS I POSSIBLY COULD!!!!!! I honestly want to disappear and never come back. I don't feel loved or appreciated and I want out.
You were one of two guys who asked me out on the same night. I thought you were both geeky and maybe a bit weird. I liked the other guy better. I honestly don’t remember why I even said yes to you. Probably just because you were so damn persistent.
My mom swears to this day that she knew right off the bat that I’d found someone special. I can’t imagine how she picked it up, though, because myself, I had no idea. You had a horrible job—it stressed you out so much that you used to talk in your sleep about it. You wore a strangely awful winter coat. Your room was a crapfest and your roommate was overbearing. Your skin wasn’t great and your haircut wasn’t either. You were cheap. And you couldn’t get it up more than half the times we had sex in our first few months.
Looking at it from the other side, I have no idea why you picked me, either. I was dirt poor, making minimum wage; I was growing out a bad dye job; I kept talking politics with your roommate just to press buttons. I called you up drunk at two in the morning after my company party. I didn’t know how to give a good BJ, and I still don’t.
Something happened to us, though, when we’d been together about six months. I remember standing in the circle of your arms, on one of the worst days of my life. You didn’t exactly make me feel better—nothing could have made me feel better right then. But you didn’t make me feel worse. If I could stand to have you there with me at that moment, I could stand to have you with me any time, all the time.
You and I, we have each other’s back. That’s the root of it.
We’re not those gawky kids any more. I’m creative, polished, successful; you’re confident, decisive, funny. I’ll never forget, though, that you loved me before any of that.