I'm eating half of a cold, leftover patty melt. And coffee. It's 9AM. I normally don't eat breakfast, but when I'm down, food is comforting.
Last night was miserable. We went to bed frustrated & distant. I, under the covers & you above. In my restless sleep I jerked & kicked- apparently hitting you, because I remember you irritably pushing my leg away. You said you didn't sleep at all- barely dreaming at 6AM only to be woken by my alarm an hour later. I hate this. It isn't us.
They say the first year is the hardest. Who are "they"? The same people that determine how a healthy relationship "should" be?
It's comforting to know that regardless of the bickering & frustration, there's never a question of love. You constantly assure me of this. Even in the middle of arguments, when we're on separate ends of the couch & tears are streaming down my face- you assure me that there's never uncertainty of your love or commitment. I've too have never questioned these things. It shames me that I have made you feel this way- when you are always so understanding of my needs. You're selfless & I'm stubborn.
Right now I'm being selfish. I know what I have to do to fix things yet I don't. It's me, not you- and that frustrates me. I'm so sorry. Making a change means stepping outside of my everyday routine- my comfort zone- and I've always had a problem with that. But it's not "me" anymore- it's "we". You're my everything, and it's time I started showing you. Words aren't enough.
We're growing. We're learning each other's needs & how individually we have to make changes- compromises- to coexist as a couple. I need to make more of an effort- not because it's what I "should" do, but because it's what I need to do- for us
I KNOW that I didn't cause that wart on your dick, but I secretly hope that you have an STD and I don't. Our relationship has been way too toxic and I just want out. You said that if you "have something", we're done. I've tried breaking up with you so many times, but you always come begging back and my stupid ass takes you back. If you have something, which turns out you might have HPV, then you'll leave me for good.
BTW, I lied - I went out with a male friend of mine last night. Nothing happened, nothing ever happens between us. We've been friends for 3 years, and have blatantly agreed that there is no attraction to each other. However, due to your insecurities, it's easier to lie about where I was rather than to have yet another fight with you. I do love you, but the love we have isn't worth all this crap. I want out! I can almost taste the freedom.
your (hopefully soon to be ex) girlfriend
Here is a confession about something that i can't seem to shake. Six years ago, my daughter was born. I went into labor at 2 am when my water broke. You had been increasingly mean to me during my pregnancy; I had gestational diabetes and needed to exercise to keep my blood sugar low. I asked you to go for a walk with me, but since my hips had unhinged a little, it was hard for me to walk fast. So we walked around our housing development with me a few steps behind, then several steps, then there were several feet between us. I asked you to walk slower because I couldn't keep up, and you said "this is fine." I said that we weren't really walking together, and you said that we were. It made me feel crazy, and I never asked you to walk with me again.
So when my water broke, and I had contractions, I woke you up and asked you to take me to the hospital. You got mad at me waking you up, and wanted to go back to sleep. We had taken a childbirth class, and the teacher said that if your water broke you should go to the hospital, but that this didn't happen most of the time, and that if it hadn't, you should stay home "as long as possible." I reminded you about this, but you said that you didn't remember that, and we should "stay home as long as possible." So you went back to sleep. I walked around the house, wondering what I was going to do. I looked for the handout we got from the class so I could prove to you that we needed to go. I'm a professor, dumbshit, and I have pretty good reading comprehension. Since you never read a single book on pregnancy and babies but were sure you were right, I didn't have a lot of options. My contractions were getting harder, and I couldn't find the handout. So I reviewed an article that a colleague of mine wrote. i didn't know what else to do. It was too late to call anyone to pick me up, and i was afraid to drive.
So I waited until the contractions were pretty close together, and woke you up again and insisted that we go. So you finally drove me to the hospital. I had a thirty six hour labor, with almost no encouragement from you. When my daughter was born she looked right into my eyes, and she was so beautiful. I looked at her and knew that I was on my own, she and me. When I divorced you a year and a half later, it was because of her. I couldn't let her see you treat me with contempt and disrespect. When we moved and you made it clear that you never intended to look for a job or go back to work, I had no choice. Cheating on me with a stripper and contracting an STD didn't help either. I could have forgiven those if you hadn't constantly criticized me.
I am now married to a man who is ten years younger than me and the exact opposite of you. He loves me and my daughter and treats her better than you ever did. I just wish that I had never met you, and that i could forget what happened the night I gave birth to our daughter. I remember asking you to support her neck when she was a week old. You lunged at me and called me a "piehole" for daring to ask you to hold her differently. I thought you might hit me; she was in bed with me, and I laughed right in your face. I knew that you were weak then, and I was strong, even though I was still bleeding from giving birth. You harassed me for sex immediately after I had her, even though I needed to have vaginal repair surgery. When I had it, it was very painful. Yet you kept on demanding I give you sex. My husband now would never do that. when I asked you to stop during sex, because it hurt, you said "in a minute, I'm almost done" and kept on going until you were. It was years until I realized that not all men are like that in bed.
I hope that posting this will help me get over it. It's been five years and I think about these things at least once a week, sometimes more. My life now is so good, but I can't stop thinking about how you treated me, and why.
In the two years since we broke up I have never stopped thinking about you and wandering why you weren't satisfied with me. Sometimes I think of you and smile but the smiles usually pass pretty quickly as I remember some of the horrible things you said and did to me. It's funny how when we were together I could see nothing but great things about you and now that it's over I can't remember what I loved about you and sometimes I even struggle to remember what you looked like. I always thought we had the best relationship in the world but in reality it was great when I made everything revolve around you. I was so afraid to express my unhappiness when things went wrong for fear of losing you.
I thought all I needed was an apology to be able to forgive you but the apology didn't change anything… I still stand in church every Sunday morning and pray for God to take away the anger I have for you. After two years, I have come to the conclusion that the only way I am going to have closure is for you to be unhappy. I pray that someday you will know how it feels to be so wrapped up in love that you are willing to set your on happiness, beliefs and expectations aside for your partners.
You are in many ways a good person, good friend and a dedicated police officer but you will never be an affectionate, trustworthy, faithful husband. It took me many years to realize that I wasn't the problem. You are the way you are and you will always require more attention than one woman can give.
Sometimes I forget how blessed I have been because I let the anger I have for you take over my emotions. I always try to remind myself that I was blessed to have known true love but I was even more blessed to have it taken away. I no longer lie awake at night worrying where you are, who you are with and why I am not good enough to carry your last name.
When I broke up with you I broke up with your family too…. Don't you think it's time for you to do the same with mine? My family may have forgiven you for hurting me but they will never forget the pain I went through before and after we broke up.
P.S. You told me on several occasions that I would never leave you… Well, I guess we both know how that ended! I was much stronger than you gave me credit for!
My ex got pissed at me because he had to spend a day
in jail over child support. He had a warrant out for
his arrest because he didn't show up for a hearing. He
blamed me for it. I was partly to blame since I didn't
forward all of his mail to him after he moved out and
the hearing notification may have been in the mail I
tossed. I don't know. I didn't check. He should've
forwarded his mail the day he moved out instead of
three months later. But he still is at fault because
the hearing was about his non-payment of child support
and even if he had gone to the hearing, he probably
still would've been arrested because he hadn't paid
any child support in over a year. He chose not to work
and accepts cash jobs so that he doesn't have to
report his income. He hasn't filed his taxes in 4
years because the state takes his refund and gives it
to his ex. And he blamed me for his day in jail. I'm
just glad I didn't have kids with him.
You called me your filthy fucking whore last night. I have been waiting
for two years to hear you call me your filthy dirty little slut. It was
better then I ever imagined it coming out of your mouth. You bit me and
marked me for what I am, YOUR dirty bitch. I love you so much, you know
how much. I apologized for being poetic last night, how silly. It's
true I would throw her to the dogs and watch her hurt for you, even
though I know you would never ask me to do that. I know that you want
me to be able to be with her, but it hurts you. As of this morning she
has been thrown to the dogs. You are everything to me, everything, if
you are not breathing I don't see how i could continue. If you are hurt
I am hurt. Words cannot possibly do justice to the feelings of awe, and
wonderment I feel for you, I know you don't feel the same towards
yourself but I wish you would. Everyone around you sees what a fucking
terrific man you are, what a terrific dad, and what a terrific partner
you are to me, everyone but you. I wish I could make you see yourself
how I see you, just for a moments time I would make you feel the depth
of my love for you, it would knock you on your ass.
You told me that after we had our son 9 weeks ago that I turn you on
more than I ever have in the past, thank you for saying that to me you
sexy beast. I want you home right now in our bed with your hands
yanking my hair back and the words,
"dirty nasty slut,"
sliding smoothly into my ear. I love you.
You have lousy timing. You got me all hot and bothered and THEN told me that you didn't think we should have any more sex until we were married. I was so angry. I couldn't yell or even cry, I was so angry. It's been four months, but it feels much longer, and I am still going through withdrawal. But now, I am sort of glad that you made that decision for us. It means you're actually serious about being with me for a long time, and you don't want to mess it up. So...I wish I could tell you that at first I wanted to punch you in the face, but now I understand and I agree.
you never touch me. we never have sex. i am lonely. i want to have an affair. i almost did today, but chickened out.i think i will see him friday.almost three years of marriage hasn't gotten him out of my head. we talk daily. we're both married now, but we still want each other. you don't fill that void. i married you because you are a good man, but there's no passion. i used to be confident and feel beautiful within myself, now i am self conscience and scared. i feel uncomfortable in my own skin. counseling hasn't worked, telling you how unhappy i am hasn't worked. maybe if you never find out about him you won't get hurt.
Friend to Friend.
You and I have been friends/sisters for close to 20 years now.
You introduced me to my husband-(some days I could kill you for that) - you walked with me until my contractions were 4 minutes apart and begged me go to the doctor. You were RIGHT there when she came out- and laughed with me when my major concern was the smell of my lady parts – being spread open for the world to see. We have gone through so much together. You have raised two extremely successful young women on your own- and not a day goes by that they don’t hear in their heads, some quote, or some bit of advice that you have given them. Well, same goes for me. I know God was up to something when he crossed our paths that very day- and- since you and I have the best fun with this site, I wanted you and all the readers to know how very much I love and treasure our friendship. You were with me when I caught my first fish even. We both love life- from picking corn, to lily pad gazing, to ice cold beer in the can right down to karaoke nights 7 nights a week.
You know who you are- UU. I hope God blesses us with 20 more years of beer drinking, friend choppin, and knee slappin laughter.
The other morning, as we were getting out of bed, you knelt down in front of me. You held my feet in your hands and kissed my toes. You looked up at me and told me how much you love me. Those are the moments when I know that you are the right man for me, despite all the complications of our lives.