August 1st would have been our 10th wedding anniversary. But I completely forgot about it until yesterday morning, a whole week later. I guess I really am over you!
Since we are talking about separating, I want you to know why. For years…I have been the major bread winner in our family. It is my job that has the insurance. It is my job that allows us to keep our house and our cars and food on our table. Yes. You do work. And oh so hard, too. I am not mocking you. You do work hard. But you work a job that is completely below your abilities. You have the same college degree that I have. You are actually smarter than I am…yet you continue to work at this job year after fucking year…with no further ambition. We talk about this. If this were your son, you wouldn't want this for him. Why do you want it for you? I am so tired of being the one to worry about money and my job. God forbid something happen to me, we are only a paycheck away from homeless. I am the man and the woman in our relationship and for so long it has been something that I have just accepted. I can't do it any more. We have been over this and over it. I say "I'm not happy." You do nothing. Thanks. That makes me feel great. Please, let me keep bringing in the $ and have you disregard my needs at the same time. Oh. Yeah. You keep getting pissed off because I don't want to have sex…and then think that you are doing me a big fucking favor by not asking me all the time to have sex. FUCK OFF. You are happy with the way things are. You are happy in our current house. I want bigger. I don't want a mansion or a $400k house. I just want something with a bigger yard. I thought that was something that we both wanted…yet it seems I am the only one bothered by the fact that we are going NO WHERE towards that goal. We both drive Saturns. How much longer are we going to be able to cram the big one into the back seat? He is almost as tall as I am. However, we can't do anything there, either. I tried to make myself happy with what we have. I tried to fix things and paint things and you know what? It was a band aid, but it didn't fix the main problem.
We are going to couple's therapy this week. Guess what? I am not too optimistic. I think that you have something going on…probably depression. But if you won't get it fixed, I can't stay. I can't imagine that you are going to be too likely to do anything about this, because if you stay true to your habits, you won't do anything, unless I initiate it. The big problem I have is our kids. And really? Only the big one. He is going to be crushed. He is so damn sensitive and this will kill him. I only hope that when and if we do separate, that we can do it reasonably, and adult like. I don't hate you. That is the worst part. I just need more and you are not giving it to me. I know that your parents will be upset. I know that they will probably hate me. I am sure that my family will be disappointed as well. I just can't live my life worrying about what other people think, anymore. I want someone who is happy and full of life. You just sit there and watch life pass us by. If I had never planned our vacations, I doubt we would ever have gone anywhere.
I don't know what to do. Even this week…after we have talked about separating, hard core talking, I come home from work…to find the bed unmade.(really? Unmade.) clothes on the floor, trash needing to go out, and the cherry on top? UNDERWEAR behind the bathroom door. Do you know that when I cleaned the bathroom on Sunday, the only thing behind the door was your socks and UNDERWEAR. And…now it is only MONDAY…and already there is a new pair back there? I don't understand. I am NOT THE FUCKING MAID. How can we teach our kids to clean up after themselves, when YOU don't even do it. How do you think that the underwear get clean? Do they WALK to the washer? No. They don't. Oh. I know, you do laundry. How many times have I asked you to fold and put away what you do? More than a million? Yet, it still doesn't sink in. Instead, you wash and leave the clean/dry laundry in a basket to get wrinkled. I LOVE that. I really do.
It is about a million little things...and a few hundred big things...all rolled into one big emotional mess. I do hope that w hen this is all over…that we can be civil, maybe even friends. I just need more right now.
Right after we got married, I wanted to divorce you. Thats how hurt I was by your actions. When I found the emails, that were sent back and forth between you two, I was disgusted, I wanted to kill you then kill myself for loving a liar. You were unapologetic, cold, and mean. I even went to see a lawyer (that you still dont know about) two weeks went by, and you finally apologized. It wasn't one of those "im sorry" and thats the end of it. Not only did you apologize, you wrote me a love letter, bought me white roses, and painted my toe nails, while I was sleeping. Which I thought was the most romantic thing you could ever do. A whole 2 months went by of me sleeping in our daughters room, before I would forgive you. When I forgave you, you cried. You told me how much you loved me, and that you would never do it again. Its been almost 2 years. And once a week, you buy me roses, write me a love letter, and paint my toenails, while im sleeping. I love you so much, you're a great father, a great husband and theres something you should know. Im pregnant! I can't tell you now because your birthday is next week, and thats my present to you. I know you'll love it
You have hurt me in ways you can never imagine. You insist you want me to be happy, but you just continue with your silence. You’re home, but I feel so alone. I miss you more now than I ever did while you were deployed.
I know the war did this to you. I know we need to work through it. I know you’re still in there somewhere.
Sometimes, I feel so selfish, but I just don’t want to go through this again. We worked through this once before. I saw the signs this time. I begged you to get help. You not only refused, but hurt me so very deeply when you did.
So yeah, in some ways, I blame it on you this time. Yeah, I really shouldn’t, but you know you don’t feel right, yet you won’t get help. You make us all suffer rather than talk to someone. I can’t understand that. I don’t know if I can forgive that.
I made an appointment for us to see a therapist together. I pray this works. I pray you’re willing to put in the effort.
Through it all, I’ve wondered about leaving. I’ve wondered if I should just look for an affair. The attention is promising. I miss that so much. I cry myself to sleep because I feel ugly, alone and unloved. But the truth is, I want YOUR attention. I love you so much and I can’t imagine hurting you that way. I don’t want attention from some random man. I want to know YOU love me. I want to know YOU find me attractive. I want to know YOU still love me. I can’t leave you now. I know you need me even if you push me away. I can’t leave you to deal with this alone. I just wish I knew you felt the same way about me.
I’ve talked about leaving, but the truth is I can’t do that. I love you so much and even though you have hurt me worse than anyone ever has, I know you’re still in there somewhere. There’s so much I want to do for you, but I can’t. This isn’t my fight. You need to do this. I want to be there beside you, but I honestly don’t know if you’re willing to try.
I love you. I miss you. I don’t know how to help you. I don’t know how to forgive you.
I so desperately want to try. Do you?
I love you so much and I don't want to lose you. You keep saying that it isn't fair that I have to deal with this crap from your ex-wife but because I love you I am not going anywhere.
I hate the fact that now you are happy and in love, she "needs" you. BULLSHIT! She doesn't need you, she just doesn't want anyone else to have you. If we were to break up so you could go back to her, within 3 months she will get rid of you again. I wish you could see this. You have told me how your marriage with her was, and I can totally relate..my marriage was the same way. IT IS WHY WE ARE DIVORCED! Anyone who can blow through over $50,000 in a year doesn't deserve someone as caring and wonderful as you, especially when that money was for college for the girls. How can you not be totally livid over it?? I am and really it doesn't concern me. Yes I am worried about you, and I care about your daughters and their college education. I don't want anything to keep these very bright girls from doing what they want to do.
I'm sorry but no relationship when two people are together for almost 10 years and separate 6 times is healthy. You have said that, I wish you would remember. I'm sorry that people are trying to tell you who to choose- and I'm sorry that your parents have picked me. But I don't blame them..why would they want you back with someone who treats you like shit and cheated on you?
I just wish I could say this to you..but I'm so scared; I don't want to lose you. You are the best thing that has happened to me except for my kids.
My husband always finishes during sex before me. He tries to pretend
he didn't and tries to keep going. I bust him every time. Last
night he kept going and it hurt. He was limp! Like a fucking
noodle! And I guess the squishyness of it caused it to hurt me. I
told him to "stop. You're finished" and he replied that he couldn't
help it. I can get over the "quickness" of it all, sometimes, but
the faking it pisses me off. He tries to hide the fact that he is
finished by continuing to push. He knows I know, so who the fuck
does he think he is fooling? Does he think if he lasts another
minute that I will be impressed? Or does he think that he will give
me pleasure with his limp noodle? NO THANK YOU! He got all pissy
because I told him it hurt and that he was only kidding himself if he
thought he could keep going. Why can't he make the best of the two
minutes he actually lasts instead of trying to pretend it's not
coming? He said he didn't know it was hurting me. Here's a tip you
mental midget... WHEN I SAY OWWW- IT HURTS!!!
I love you and always will. I have always, I have always supported your career and decisions you have made. This time I can't, and I wont. I know you have to go back to Iraq and I resent the decision you made about going back, you didn't even take into consideration what your decision would do to me. All you are thinking about is your career.
If you go back I think I may cheat, actually I know I will. It was really hard not to last time.
Most of the time you are so sweet to me, but sometimes you are a giant ass. When you are sweet, you do all kinds of things for me, let me know by your actions that you love me and want me to be happy. But when you are being an ass, you really baffle me. You act like you are supreme high ruler and what you say goes and I am just a silly little girl for thinking otherwise. Then, when I let you know that you are being an ass, you automatically stop talking to me. What the hell? How can conflict get resolved if we don’t discuss the issues?? Talk to me, DAMN IT!
One more thing, three years together is too soon for our sex life to be this dead. What is up with that?
Last night, I was so pissed at you that I wanted nothing more than to kick you out of bed and make you go sleep somewhere else. But I knew your only other option was the couch in the room where you killed that giant spider the other night. I know you’re terrified of spiders, so I couldn’t do that to you. There were moments it seemed very promising, but I just couldn’t do that.
When I realized you probably wouldn’t do the same for me, I cried even harder. You just kept sleeping and didn’t even notice.
When we met it was electric and fascinating as most new loves are. I saw a few yellow flags. Whenever we kissed long and deep his leg would tremble. He didn't like spooning, in fact, preferred that I not touch him once we were actually trying to sleep because it kept him awake. Little things add up over months. In the throes of new love, I dismissed the yellow flags because they weren't RED, glaring or frightening. There was a comment he made once about how he couldn't keep up with my ever-present sex drive.
I am no nymphomaniac. I was in 'new' love and I LOVE that feeling...it's all about the romance, the passion, the butterflies and I love it like any Life Junky would...it's a free high that beats most I have had.
But as time went on he kissed less, used a lot less foreplay in our sex life, well, let's just say intimacy doesn't come natural to him. No foot rubs, back rubs, footsie under the table, tickle fests, nope. That is not his style. I grew more accustomed to it, but inside I wondered...is this all there is?
I finally asked him and he gave me a litany of excuses that seemed plausible at first. The ex-wife had not wanted him to touch her for years...he was programmed out of intimacy.
He didn't like to spoon because he has chronic insomnia and if he can actually fall asleep the slightest movement might wake him and he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep.
He never could give me a clear answer about why he didn't like to french kiss, but I eventually quit trying to change him. Once in a while he gets tipsy enough to slip me the tongue and I can pretend that he enjoys it.
And for almost 10 years I have hugged him. I give him a peck on the lips and wish he wanted to hold me or longed to run his fingers through my hair...
Did I mention he HATES it when I touch his hair, his feet, the backs of his legs? He shudders, jumps or verbally reprimands me if I accidentally attempt it for the 3rd, 7th, or 49th time.
I keep wondering how many people live this way?
He is a great provider, a reasonable partner who does his share around the house and definitely takes an active role with the kids. He works hard, we have great vacations together.
He occasionally reaches over and pats my hand or even holds it for a few minutes in the car. He rarely initiates a hug, but he will reciprocate it if I ask.
He LOVES sex with me. Day, night, tipsy or sober, seems fine to roll around and poke, prod, lick, diddle...
but it's getting harder for me to get very excited about it. After 10 years of diminishing intimacy, I have become the one that pushes him away. I don't want him to flop around in the bed and get his jollies and then head the other direction until the next "session."
I used to hope he would change. Now I just resign myself to the fact that this is him. Take it or leave it, (I almost left a year ago...) I decided to take it. I think he still thinks I am excessively needy...I am not sure anymore what is excessive, my desire to be held and cuddled or his desire for physical space.
Is this what marriage is?