Thursday, August 16, 2007

Shedding Light

You know, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by this place.

On days when I am tired, or hormonal or one of a billion other things, I get my panties in a bunch and think,


... or when I get a nasty private email or comment or fight some real or imagined battle to defend this creation of mine, I think,

"ARGH! Why don't people GET it?"

and then sometimes, I get things which touch me. Deeply. In that last two weeks, I have gotten two private email/letters....and they have done just that.

I cannot express how your site has changed my life. I now know I am not alone in the world. I admire you so very much. Your intelligence and charisma show through in just your few posts that you give us! I love this site and you have NO idea how much you've changed me. You've made me giggle, cry, and commiserate with the other women.

My thank you's are NOT enough, but I hope you realize how much you've impacted my life. I wish we had MORE women like you!!

Thanks so much!

Rock on!

and this....

Hi Dawn,

This is not a confession as such but something I would like to share with your readers. It’s pretty long so edit it if you think it’s too long.

First up, I’m a husband and a dad who reads your site. So why am I posting ? I am posting to share with you how this site has changed my life. It’s a pretty long post so who want instant gratification may want to skip this one. This is just my experience and hopefully shows my gratitude to all those that have posted and commented.

I thought I had a pretty good life, married for nine years, 2 great kids, good job/income, nice home and friends, good sex life. I thought my wife was happy with her life too.

About 10 months ago I was surfing the net (probably looking for porn) and came across this site. Curious, I started to read the confessions from all the unhappy women and after a while something struck me. I was that guy that many you complain about.

I was selfish, I worked late, put my family priorities ahead of my wife’s, staying up late looking at porn, was lazy around the house and basically treat my wife like a cook, a maid, a babysitter. I never told her how beautiful she is, how I appreciate everything she does to keep the household running, asked how she felt and what she wanted from her life and basically if she is happy. We hardly had sex (maybe 10 times in a year since the birth of our second child) and it didn’t bother me.

I just assumed that she wanted to be a stay at home mother and because she is at home all day that she should look after the house, the cooking, cleaning, laundry, run errands, everything.

So after going through the confessions, I thought to myself, hang on, maybe she is not so happy, actually I think she has been telling me this but I have not been listening. We talked plenty before the kids arrived but not really since. Not blaming them, but I focused my home life on them rather than on her.

So I over the course of the next week, I stopped surfing for porn at night and actually sat down and talked to her. Guess what, she could have written half the confessions on the site word for word. She started by saying that though I was a good dad to the kids and a good provider, that was about it. She still loved me more than anything but it could not go on as it had been. Just about everything we talked about she had already been telling me, I just was not hearing it.

Turned out she did not want to be a SAHM all her life, once the kids were both at school she would like to return to work part time. She would like to go back to education to get a more satisfying job than before. It was not about money, it’s something that she wants to do for herself.

I listened to her about her views on my relationship with my family and ours friends which ended up with cancelling some stuff around holidays with them to spend more time on us. Once I explained to them why we cancelled every single one of them has been 110% supportive. In fact my parents told me that they had been concerned how much travelling we had been doing to see them and that we should have spent more time at home relaxing.

She was always aware of the porn and I have never hidden it from her. We sat down and went through it. Turned out she was bored with our sex life and wanted to try some different things and watching porn together has been one of those things. I still occasionally browse for it by myself which she knows but now it is never at the expense of spending time with the family now.

I have spoken to my work and basically stopped all overtime. I do have say that I am lucky that my work has a very generous work/life balance policy and they have also allowed me to work some flex time and this has allowed me to be at home by 4:30. Though my wife is a fantastic cook I do the cooking most nights, turned out I really like cooking and loved the time we spent together with her teaching me.

I have picked up a couple of other chores but she actually stops me doing all the ones that I could as just a few smalls changes have made a big difference to her. This has allowed her to relax in the evening and study again which has meant that when she comes to bed, she is not so tired any more. Not surprisingly I think we made love more times in one month then in the whole previous year combined.

I do have to say that of course she is not 100% happy, she still missing some romance and that is something that I am working on. There is still the snoring, dropping clothes around the house, blowing my nose in the shower and other things but we have the rest of our lives to work on these. She says the difference in the last year have felt like being married to a new man and all for the best. She no longer feels like a slave running the household but is now something she wants to do for us. She has really appreciated the effort I have made and in return I get extra favours from her including some in the bedroom.

I would like to think that my relationship and connection to my kids has also improved with the extra time I spend at home with them and with my wife and she says that she sees it in them when we play together and they way they talk about me when I am at work.

In fact I felt that this site has made such a difference to my life that I have passed the URL to all my friends and family.

Finally a plea to all those wives who had talked to their partners and not got through to them, please print this message out and show it to them. I urge their partners to read the confessions on the site, listen to your wife and take action. From my own experience my wife feels 100% happier for doing it and because she is happier, I have been happier.

Thanks Dawn, you have made a difference to least one wife with your site.


Anonymous said...

The first letter speaks for me as well. You're an amazing woman Dawn. Thank you.

The second letter from the husband made me cry. I am one of the few lucky women that has that wonderful, helpful, thoughtful husband. Congratulations on the rebirth of your marriage. May you live the rest of your days as happy as you were when you first met.

Anonymous said...

Hi Dawn,

I too am a Husband who reads this site all the time. Being in my 2nd marriage after a 25 year one went to Sh**, I can say that I too take heed to the words here from woman who are unhappy & what they are missing. Although it's a two way street and some women won't "work together" to fix things (like my X) Those that do will see results!! Thanks Again, your site is great!

Anonymous said...

LOVE YOU LOVE YOUR SITE DAWN...not a day goes by that I don't come here and visit- read your blogs faithfully as well. Terrance and Emily are very very fortunate people.

sandy shoes said...

Wow. Cool.

Anonymous said...

I love this site. Keep it up.

Anonymous said...

That is so awesome! I love this site too. Thank you so much for it.

House of Jules said...

WOW Dawn, look what you've done! Changing the trajectory of the lives of people is a rare thing. I'm single but read this site (and have passed it along to my friends as well) and on many days it makes me cherish my single-ness, and on a day like today--after reading that man's post-- it makes me happy for his wife that you created this website.

Kira Lee Flea said...

I hope that gentlemans wife knows how lucky she is to have such a caring man for her husband! I too am married to a very thoughtful man and cheris him everyday! Congrats to your nex chapter in your marriage and many more happy years to come.

Nathyn said...

You do "rock" Dawn. That made my day.

Anonymous said...

Dawn, The first email echos my own sentiments as well; you're a gem and the site is awesome. As for email #2 ... could someone please send it annonomously to MY husband??? Keep at it Dawn!!

Anonymous said...

thanks for sharing those emails with us...

PLEASE please please please IGNORES those negative comments...they have nothing better to do...
Just remember that WE the positives one are always around.

Keep it up!


Anonymous said...

Thank you Dawn for making a huge difference in marriages, which seem to fail so often. You have changed lives by allowing people to confess their darkest secrets. This site has so many positive qualities and I am fortunate enough to take part in this journey to changing lives positively. Thank you for this safe haven. XOXOXOX

Anonymous said...

I have tried talking to my husband about this sort of stuff. It doesn't help. In fact, he twists my words around and before I know it, I feel two inches tall and he's telling me how ungrateful I am and how I'm so selfish, and asks why I don't ever think about him.

I have tried for years to tell him how I feel. (Example -- "Hon, when you 'forgot' to get me a Christmas gift, my feelings were hurt." This is thrown back in my face as, "Wow. You are a very greedy and materialistic person to expect a gift."

So I do try to get through. Even counseling hasn't worked with that. My husband thinks he's perfect and that every problem in our relationship is largely my doing. End of story. When I try to talk to him, he gets angry and "punishes" me in little ways until he gets over it. (Meaning he'll work several hours late without calling, will get snippy, will constantly criticize.)

I only WISH that my biggest frustrations were that he leaves his clothes on the floor or blows his nose in the shower.

But as a result, at the end of the day, the LAST thing I want to do is talk to him. I wish he could be my best friend but he's proven over the years that he's too selfish and lazy.

I hope he gets a clue someday but he's such a pro at rationalizing his actions, I don't trust him. And I'm starting to lose hope. I guess the day I have completely lost hope will be the day I file for divorce. But until then, I pray, I hope, and I wait...

Anonymous said...

I have only been visiting this site for the last few weeks, but now I come here daily. This site makes me feel like I am not alone, that everyone has some relationship problems, some that can be worked on (like mine), and some terrible ones that make me dwell less on my small problems. I think it's a beautiful place.

Anonymous said...

i love this site. there will always be the negative responses, but this site comforted me repeatedly in my times of feeling completely alone - there really ARE other people out there in situations that are just the same as mine or even, far worse. it gives me hope, and keeps my faith in true love, alive. THANK YOU DAWN. you have no idea how much you are helping so many people - single, married, divorced or battling some inner deamons :)

Anonymous said...

Many moons ago I stopped reading the comments, when commenters get nasty with confessors it leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but I will never stop reading the confessions.

Anonymous said...

My husband knows I read this blog, instead read it by himself to learn something about it, he mocks me and say 'oh now you are comparing me to those horrible men those wives talk about, now you hate me..." then laughs and go back to his PC to play online video games for hours... *sigh* so sad...