I want to tell you how much it frustrates me that you can't meet all my needs. At first I just resented the fact that you couldn't, then I wondered if I was too needy. What I arrived at was that I don't have to live in a passionless marriage. I want romance, touching, flirting, excitement. You can't or won't give it to me. I've been looking for a man to have an affair with for the past 6 months. I've met dozens of men and even had sex with a few. I'm still searching for the perfect man for an affair and in the meanwhile, I will continue the one-off kisses and exchanges from strangers to give me what you can't - or won't.
How could you? How could my caring, wonderful husband, put pressure on me to do something that you know I can Not do.
You love our children, and I love them. We brought them into this world together, and out of love. It's been hard, yes, and harder than it should be. But we've survived.
But because of financial and medical reasons we decided that 4 children is more than enough and we were done.
But you keep backing out on your agreement to have a procedure done. You have been since our last baby was born. So instead, we don't touch each other. Ever. Until that one night. And I Told you, I reminded you how easily it could happen and you said you were willing to take the risk. So we risked it.
And now we're pregnant again. You don't want me to keep "it". What you can't understand is that despite the fact that I KNOW how hard it will be to manage another child... I've already carried and given birth to our 4, and I can not, and will not have an abortion just to appease you.
I have few people to talk to about this. You think I'm being irrational. I've thought of all the hard times that possibly lie in our future after adding another child. But if I don't have this child, just because it's the only solution YOU can see right now, I will hate myself.. and I will hate you... for the rest of our lives. Can you please just understand that it's not something I can do? Can you please not look at me like you hate me because of it? Yes, 5 children is a LOT. I know that. And I know that technically, maybe.. yes.. an abortion probably would be the smartest option at this point. But I can't do that to my baby. It's OUR baby, like the other 4 we looked so forward to. They've blessed us in so many ways and I wish you could just think of them.. and the happiness they've each brought to not only you and I.. but their siblings and the rest of our family as well.
It's not the end of the world like you think it is. It will be hard, but we'll be ok. Please, my darling... we can make it through this. Please stop asking me to do this. Please don't hate me or resent me or our baby for me not doing what You think is right. I'm doing what I feel and know is right and I KNOW that we will all be ok.
Please... just accept your new child. I'm so afraid you're going to hate us both. And if it boils down to me raising 5 children alone, I suppose I can live with that.
I can't live with killing our baby.
I love you. I have never met anyone like you in my life. You're witty, brilliant , wonderfully funny and the most fantastic lover I have ever had. There are days I can't believe I am married to someone as great as you.
I miss you everyday with an intensity I have never felt before. I miss having you in my bed, in my house, in my daily life. Why are we not together since we are actually husband and wife?
Oh, I know I have my stuff sorted out. I could move to be with you. I could. You could move here. But can we really make this marriage work if we are in the same city? Can we make this marriage work if we are in YOUR city? That's your life , the life you grew up with. Mine is not really here, but it sure as hell is not there either. I can't imagine living in a place where the only person who is half way decent to me is you. With all that happened recently, I do not feel the least bit comfy there at all. If you don't start standing up for us, for me, I will never move there.
I want nothing more than to be with you and yet I want nothing more than to stay here. How can we be together and apart?
I miss you. Please hurry up and come here. I need you.
I have this reoccurring dream that I am leaving my husband and my kids to be with another man ... it's always a different man but it's always a co-worker of my husbands. What's so fucked up is that my husband knows what's going on and decides to let me 'do my thing' because he knows I'll change my mind and stay with my family.
In the end I do. The last time, the last thing I remember is my dh and the guy I was leaving him for were sitting in a pick up trucking talking (??) and I walked up to the guy and said, "I'm not going anywhere with you. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Goodbye."
That same dream was so real. I woke up in a funk and stayed that way all day long. I can't stop thinking about it and it disturbs me.
My confession is that if I had it to do all over again, I would have married you in October instead of February, like you had suggested. I so love being your wife! Things haven’t always been easy, but I think some people don’t realize the hard work it takes to put two lives together – it’s not like the movies: it takes effort! But it’s the best kind of work, isn’t it?
I miss you when you work away only because I have so much fun with you. You support me and treat me so well, I could never ask for more. I know that very soon your hours will be more reasonable and we’ll be able to spend more time together.
I did another test this morning and I’m not pregnant. I’m a bit disappointed; I want a baby very badly. Hopefully with this move coming up there will be more time (and room!) for the children we both want. In the meantime, I’m excited for the changes coming up and feeling so positive about the future. You’re the best and I love you!
The other day when I got so upset with you I told you to clean my car to make up for your stupidity. This, in and of itself, is not so bad. But my motivation for a clean car was that I was meeting a potential lover for lunch the next day and I knew he would want to see my car, since he was "into" cars. So, you cleaned my car to impress my potential lover. Oh, and, one more thing, the kleenex that you cleaned out of my car - well, I had a potential lover in my car earlier in the week and we used the kleenex to clean up after I gave him a blow job. So, you cleaned up after one lover for another. Thanks, hon!
You know, you have threatened me for years with divorce. I used to be afraid of my life without you and when you used that threat, I would back down. Give in. But over the last year, I have made peace with it. Maybe our marriage wasn't meant to be a forever thing. We tried - hard. So, after listening to you for more years than I care to count tell me how you planned on divorcing me, I just accepted it. And I told you so last Friday. And you looked a bit stunned. But honey, it is too late now to be sweet and charming. You cried wolf too much.
I love you more then life itself. You are a great man, and you treat
me wonderfully. I can tell you anything, you are truly my best
friend. We just have one small problem.
It's been over a year since we have had sex. The last time was on our
honeymoon. Why did you marry me if you weren't attracted to me? It's
been over 15 months... we are supposed to be newlyweds.
I've seen the emails, and chat transcripts. I know about the men you
have talked to... about the plans to meet them for sex. I've
confronted you twice, you always say it wouldn't happen. You say you
love me too much to cheat.
I die a little every time I think about it. The rejection... it just
kills me inside. I've thought about leaving you, cheating on you, but
I just can't. I love you so much. Why can't you see that your hurting
me so badly.
I know this is petty..but I HATE when you shop for food. You buy the weirdest stuff- and have no actual idea as to what you need to make a whole meal. You come back with bacon, water and juice....And while I am on it - Are you aware of HOW to choose fruit that your child can eat in this century? I swear you find the hardest, most unripe fruit to purchase...and then your kid gets hard nectarines and rock like pears for her lunches. And sliced melon? Who buys pre-sliced watermelon? I about choked when I saw what you paid for that container...Just buy the whole damn melon. I will happily cut it up.
I would rather pay three dollars every day to buy coffee than to drink the stuff that you make.