My darling husband.
I don't know what I'm doing. I dress in the morning for Him. I get all quivery in my tummy when he comes to see me. I lust after him hugely. I have fooled around with him, but have not had sex. But not for lack of wanting to. You are better looking. You are an awesome husband (which he most certainly is not). You are an awesome father. (at which he is passable at best). We have a decent sex life. I don't know what draws me to him. Or him to me. He is the total opposite of you. The anti-thesis really. What pulls me to him? I don't know. I have broken things off with him many times. But to no avail.
I'm sorry honey. It has impacted our lives. I just don't know how to stop it. I would have to leave my job. I don't think you would hate that. But I can't. I need him. And I need you. What a mess.
When's it my turn?
When's it my turn to lay in bed until 2:30 p.m. on a Saturday just because I want to?
When's it my turn to lay on the couch and watch movies all day. And assume that since they aren't for little eyes, you'll take it upon yourself to occupy a child so I can continue to lay there.
When's it my turn to, instead of coming home from work, to go out to a bar and not tell you? To not even answer my phone because I want to get a good buzz and damn, I've earned it.
When's it my turn to think solely of myself. And to assume you will take care of and think of others?
When's it my turn to not watch the budget and visit the ATM every other day? And when you bitch about all of those $3.50 fees (several of them each week), I'll tell you what a nag YOU are.
When's it my turn to sign up for a gym membership and not use it. And then sign up for another and not use that either. And then when you see that there's about $100 a month being wasted, when's it my turn to say, "Oh just get over it. Its no big deal."
When's it my turn to take credit for the gifts you buy or the kind gestures you do for others. (Oh wait, you DON'T do those things.)
When's it my turn to "forget" a gift-giving holiday and then call you a "materialistic bitch" because you express hurt feelings over not receiving a gift.
When's it my turn to tell you to just "get over" past hurts.
When's it my turn to tell you that you are filled with unnecessary resentment yet turn around and tell you that I have every right to feel angry and frustrated by your actions?
When's it my turn to unleash gas so noxious that it stinks up the whole house and then expect YOU to act like I'm the sexiest thing alive.
When's it my turn to make the mess that YOU get stuck cleaning up? And not just the messes in the kitchen or bathrooms but messes like you screwing up a repair and then going out of town. And when you do have to handle the situation, when's it my turn to criticize the way you went about that?
When's it my turn to turn into the asshole who has these delusions of perfection? When's it my turn to act any problem in our relationship is all YOUR fault – if only you'd be less this or more of that….
Oh and by the way. Go fuck yourself.
I miss you so much when you are not home but when we are home together all I
can do is gripe at you. I come home ready to see you and give you a hug but
then I notice that the trash hasn't been taken to the curb or you've left
all the lights on in your shop when you're in the house. And I get so
frustrated the first words out of my mouth to you are nagging and mean. I
do love you, but it is so hard for me to show affection when I feel like you
are constantly letting me down. I wish we could get that "spark" back
between us. When you act apathetic about getting things done to help me, I
get apathetic about wanting to be around you.
When I wrote you that letter about how I was feeling that almost didn’t even make any sense to me, you read it and came up to me afterwards and just held me and told me you loved me and would try harder, and then asked me to clarify some things that didn’t make sense to you. And then we ended up having one of the most wonderful talks in the whole 4 years that we’ve been together. I have never felt closer or more in love with you then I did at that moment and I feel bad that I even doubted for a second that you wouldn’t take it well.
We sat there in the bedroom for an hour, talking about our future and what we both wanted and how we wanted to do it and you let me say everything I wanted and needed to say and even though sometimes the way the words came out sounded so bitchy and needy to me, you never took them that way because you said I wasn’t that type of person.
To feel that close to you after all these years and remember why I love you and why I felt so drawn to you, was one of the best feelings I have ever had. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I look forward to a life filled with love, laughs, fights, make-ups, growth and above all, a life filled with you.
And to all the wonderful ladies on this site – If there’s something that you feel you need to say to the person in your life, say it. You may be pleasantly surprised by the response that you get from them. Have faith in what brought you together and what keeps you together.
I know you want me to find a "real" job. You think our child is old enough and you want me to start earning a paycheck. We don't need the money. You say, "If you start working, we can hire someone to clean the house now and again." OH please. Do you really think having some person clean the house once or twice a month is going to be enough? You obviously have no idea how much cleaning, errand running, grocery getting, crap I do. Our household runs smoothly. This is due to a lot of work and organization on my end. You don't talk to your parents or sibling. You don't remember their birthdays or Christmas. Who do you think gets them gifts? Who do you think pays the bills, keeps the vehicles maintained, does the landscaping, and keeps our son busy with playdates and fun educational trips and takes him to all of his doctor appts? Who the hell do you think is maintaining the friendships we have. (You aren't talking to your friends. I'm the one e-mailing them and setting up stuff.)
The biggest reason I am reluctant to work outside the home is because YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING TO HELP ME. (This is also why we only have one child.) I know I'd be the one with TWO jobs… The 40+hours a week and I'd still have to do all of the other shit I do now. Oh yes, How FUN. So forgive me if I'm not having an orgasm at the thought.
P.S. And when our son is sick, I get NO help whatsoever. So if I had a job, I'd still be up all night with a sick child, I'd have to arrange for sick care or take time off and then work overtime during that week to make up that lost time. And what would you do? The same thing you always do. Drink a beer, stare at the tv. And tell me to "suck it up." In other words, Nothing.
The medicated abortion that I had on May 2nd, was not caused because of you. Your pull-out method was effective, but the other guy I was dating failed to follow suit. I did not spend that day with my best friend, but rather with the person who was truly responsible for my position. I was in so much pain because I failed to buy the correct pain reliever and I had to call the call the emergency hotline. I have never felt a pain like this before. It felt like someone was scraping my insides out with a dull blade. While I was going through this, he left me alone because he had to run an "errand." He never held me or said words that would make me feel secure or loved. I was supposed to be watched 24:7 by him and he agreed, but he left me alone for 1 and a half hours. That was the day I lost all respect for this man. I should have spent that day with you. I didn't tell you that I was pregnant until a week after the procedure and you said that the very day I was going through this horrendous pain, that you felt very sick, could barely walk, and was vomiting all day. Deep in my soul, I hope that it was not your seed that I was carrying because I have always loved you. I wish I spent that day with you because you would have done everything in your power to console me. I don't regret my decision to have an abortion, but I do regret not knowing who impregnated me. I never thought I would be in a position like this at this time in my life. I have planned everything that I do and this was unforeseeable.
***For all you judgmental readers, I am not married to either one of these men***
Hmmm... I suppose we can start at the beginning.
We have been together and happy for a long time. I was having the time of my life, and it appeared that you were too. I had completely forgiven you for what you did to me the first time we dated... We were too young then anyway. (Though it still hurt...)
When we started this relationship the second time, years after the first, I accepted that if something went horribly wrong, I could only blame myself. You fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Somehow that made me take nothing for granted. I was fully there for every joke, kiss, and touch. I have never felt so alive with anyone else... You truly, even still, amaze me.
But why, randomly, did you come to me and say, "I think I enjoy being your friend better." What the HELL. Are we in high school now? I really have nothing to say about this particularly. I went insane just thinking about it and trying to find some flaw in our relationship. To me, there wasn't one. As I said, I had never believed it was possible to be so happy.
So I guess I'll get on with the confession part. I was miserable for that first 24 hours. I pitied myself and I blamed myself for my own agony. I though about how yes, it DOES hurt just as much the second time around. I went to bed that night a stewing, angry mess. Are you ready for the magic? I woke up in the morning with the sun pouring down on me and from that moment, I didn't hurt any more. Life has never thrown something at me that the sun couldn't bake out of me. It has been six days now, and five of them have been days just as good as when we were together. I lived for a long time without you just fine, and I will do it again. I don't regret a thing, I'm not angry with you. I am fully capable of being your friend.
I really thought I would wait until you wanted me again and then I would be there for you a third time when you called saying that you made a mistake and that I am the woman that you want. Unfortunately, while I am not angry, you really are not the one I want anymore. (Besides, I should have known from the beginning that it wouldn't work. I spent four years at culinary school, my greatest joy in life is feeding people, and I started a relationship with a guy who hates virtually ALL foods?)
So when you have that lovely realization, call me, but be forewarned that there's a good chance I'll be with someone who got it right the first time.
I know you want to get an Audi. Those are VERY nice cars. I'd like one too. But I told you we don't need one. We don't. But the reason I've put the kibosh on that is because I know you'll be an asshole at some point. I mean, your selfish. Its just your nature. I don't think you are even capable of thinking of anyone other than yourself. And I also know that the next time you piss me off, I'll regret getting that vehicle. Why should You get to drive a $35,000 vehicle when our child and I are stuck in a crappy, cheap vehicle that smells like vomit (because the vehicle is jerky and the ride is bumpy) worth a fraction of an Audi. Why should YOU get a nice car? Especially since your day of work ends at work. When you get home you sit on the couch. You sit on the computer. You eat. You make various messes. You have temper tantrums when you can't find something. So no.
To the boyfriend I finally thought I could trust,
You left today and I was sad. Although it has taken me awhile to open up and trust you, I really do love you very much and I really did want this to go somewhere. I still do. I timed my trip to the grocery store so that I would see your train leave. I know it was silly. I almost texted you to tell you, but I'm always afraid you will think I'm too clingy, because my ex certainly did. Seeing the train made me miss you more. It hurt. I went home, trying to comfort myself. Finally, I signed into your facebook...I don't really know why, I thought it would make me miss you less, even though it had only been a few hours. I only did it once before, I wasn't sure why you told me your password...so I did it. But I felt like I was invading your privacy so I didn't do it anymore, until today when I missed you.
I saw the messages you sent her. About meeting up. And it hurt. So much. I thought I could trust you and maybe I can, but why didn't you tell me? You talk about her so much and I know that for a long time you still had photos of her. I know you want to stay friends with her, but some part of me worries that you would leave me in a heartbeat if she wanted to get back together. I was so confused. I knew you still called her pet names...and you didn't suggest anything improper, I just couldn't understand why you couldn't tell me. I thought you knew you could trust me. Sure I would have been a little worried about it...but I thought I made it clear that I wanted to respect your friendship with her. The fact that you didn't tell me reinforces all of those little insecurities I feel when you joke about me being stupid or how I didn't go to the same University...I start to wonder if I will ever measure up..even though I know I shouldn't try to compete.
Finally I just started crying. You never made me cry like that...it was the kind of crying that my exes used to incite. It hurt. I wished you hadn't done it, that you had just told me you might be seeing her. I talked to my brother, hoping he would comfort me and tell me it didn't mean anything..but he didn't. I desperatly wanted to call someone here, anyone..but I knew they would all gossip that it would get back to you or you would get a lecture from M. It made me miss my real friends and feel really lonely. I know you don't understand how I can't tolerate always being social here and yet still feel lonely, but I do because of moments like this. Real moments when I have something to share that is private and I can't tell anyone here. You make me feel less lonely. Until today I thought I could tell you anything.
But I can't tell you about this. I can't get angry with you now because it will make you upset before tomorrow and I care about you too much to do that. I can't tell you when you get back because then I will have to explain why I was invading your privacy. And to be honest, I wanted to be happy when I greeted you. I had been planning to take you out to dinner on Wednesday before things got completely crazy...and now I'm just confused.
When you move in September and take whatever excellent job you will get, its probably going to be to a city I can't live in. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to get a job here. She will be in that city, you will see her a lot. I know the distance was a big part of the strain on your relationship before. What will happen when you are with her more than me?
It makes me feel so scared and insecure...here I am contemplating taking steps to move here, steps that I was thinking might, eventually, involve something with you...and now I find out you are sneaking around to meet your ex for coffee.
I felt so safe yesterday, why did you take that away from me? How do I talk to you about this? How do I find a trusting relationship with you? Why didn't you just tell me
When you raped me, I cried. When you hit me, I cried. When you held me down and suffocated me, all I could think was "Dear god no, don't let me die at the hands of this insane man, i'm too young to die". You held me in captivity for a week, and I finally escaped. I tried to give you a hug, instead, you tried to strangle me. And that's when I snapped and left you.
When I tell him these things, and my irrational fears that stemmed from being with you, he assures me that he is not crazy, he won't hurt me, he will always have our best interests in mind. He shows me in his actions how he cares for me, and he will make an amazing father some day.
Yesterday was the first time I considered not marrying him. I can't marry someone who isn't motivated to do better in life. I hope he snaps out of it and comes to his senses. I need 100 things in my life partner, I will not settle for 99.
I still love him more than I ever loved you, and i'll always love you, even if you did turn out to be an insane asshole. I just wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life with you. . .