For the first few years of our marriage, I was desperately unhappy.
Last year, when I thought we were finally happy, you told me you didn't want to be married to me anymore. I felt like an idiot for not having seen this. And I felt betrayed, because you kept this secret for almost two years before you finally told me how you felt.
After 8 months of counseling, you decided we couldn't afford it anymore and we stopped going. You said things were better and you were leaning toward staying married.
On our anniversary, I asked you if you were happy or if you were still leaning toward divorce. You said you were still leaning toward divorce. That was a delightful slap in the face. But you still wanted to keep things going. You still wanted to try. I started hating you.
Today, I was downstairs and found your phone. I flipped it open and saw that, for the first time in all the years you've had a phone, it's password locked.
Seriously? What the fuck? I can't handle this anymore.
I'm terrified to be alone. I'm in the middle of studying for the bar exam. I have no job and no money. And all I can think of is getting a divorce.
Thank you for making love to me in the backyard yesterday. You've known for quite some time that it was a fantasy of mine. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and the sun warmed our bodies. I laid on my back and looked you in the eye and fell deeper in love with you for it. Thank you for knowing what makes me happy and doing it so willingly.
I bought you headphones for a reason. No jury will convict me when I
finally strangle you for playing the same three Boyz II Men songs over
and over again on You Tube.
Yesterday was my birthday, I am 30 years old. I am the highschool student who was in forensics and band, never went to parties, and graduated from college with a 4.0 GPA. I have 2 children and have been married for 9 years. I have a good job, a good life, a good husband. I don't party, don't drink, don't smoke. For my birthday I wanted to do something I have never done before. I knew that before we were dating my husband had done it only once or twice, and I just wanted to be able to say I'd had the experience. That I had tried it. I only casually mentioned it to him, that I was just curious about what it felt like and he said he could probably get some if I really wanted to. That was the end of the conversation, I didn't really believe he could. And then he brought some home from work, I didn't even recognize what it was when he showed it to me, LOL. So last night, after the kids were in bed, we went out to the garage together. You should have seen us, neither one had a clue if we were doing it right. And then we had great sex and went to bed. I can't tell anyone, I would NEVER tell anyone, so I am sharing it anonymously with you internet. I am 30 years old and last night I smoked pot for the first time.
I asked you to work on cleaning up the house while I was at work. In 5 hours, you washed 10 dishes. When I came home, in 2 hours I cleaned up all the kids toys, washed the other dishes you ignored, folded the laundry and put it away, vacuumed the house, and swept and mopped in the kitchen.
But I should be appreciative and impressed by everything you did, and it's not fair for me to be angry? Are you freaking kidding me?
Today is one of the happiest days I've had in years. After several months of looking and negotiating, my brother bought me a house so that I can leave you. The closing is tomorrow. In 3 weeks and 3 days, I plan to take our daughter to my best friends house, then come home and tell you I want a divorce. I want to believe on some level that you know that it's coming. In reality though, you probably have no clue because you are truly that self involved.
While reading TWC today I saw there is a Facebook page for it now. I so badly want to join, but I can't... it will start an argument. You always question everyone and everything I add to Facebook. You'd get unnecessarily angry. You'd wonder what I'm hiding from you and what I have to confess. I'd then probably lie just to try to ease your concerns and tell you that I have nothing to hide and I just read it for entertainment and end up removing myself from the group so that you didn't give me anymore shit about it. But you'll never know my real confession: you make me miserable and I want out of this marriage. TWC makes me feel like I'm not alone.
I've been so unhappy for so long with you. You seem to just want to ignore it and pretend we can continue like this. We can't. Not without it destroying us both. I don't hate you. I kind of wish I did, then I could just be a bitch. I want a chance at happiness. We aren't happy and haven't been for a while. Living in some freakish limbo indefinitely is just going to make us hate each other. Soon as I am able to save up filing costs, I am filing for divorce. I know you know it is coming. I know you found the paper where I was figuring up what bills we had, what income we each have and who was going to get what. I know because it was not how I left it. Ironically after I found that paper left askew you tried to get more affectionate like that was going to fix things at this point. I've needed support. This was supposed to be a partnership, but it wasn't. Just constantly coming up and trying to rub my back or whatever is not gonna fix things. As a matter of fact most of the time I am fighting the urge to snap for you to get your hands off me and quit touching me.
I know you love me. Will, I think so anyways...sometimes I am not sure. If you'd ever just look at me and tell me you love me for no reason at all (like, not because I say it first, or it is bedtime ), I'd know for sure...and then I wouldn't be so bitchy all the time
If you had been willing to look at our issues together in the ten plus years I have asked, instead of waiting until I told you I was leaving and suddenly gaining insights about our interactions and relationship, you might not be sleeping in a separate bed and watching your wife establish her future life without you. It really is too little too late.