First you woke my body up, and then you moved your way into my heart. You are my beloved.
I was completely cool with your dad throwing a "Man Shower" while I was doing my baby shower when I thought it was just going to be you and the guys hanging out by the river, fishing and drinking a few beers. After talking with your dad and hearing how he was planning on making it into another bachelor party and trying to get you wasted, I had my concerns. I even asked your father to please not ply you with booze b/c a.) it's my baby shower and I would like it to be a nice, family day to celebrate the upcoming birth of our son and b.) my mom was staying with us and I didn't want to have to apologize for my tanked husband. I talked to you and told my concerns about my baby shower becoming an excuse for a raging beer-fueled party and, very specifically, asked you to NOT get completely hammered but to def have some drinks and have a good time. I even told you that I don't mind if you're drunk but didn't want you to be excessively drunk.
Well, that didn't happen. After driving not only yourself home but 2 of our friends, you come stumbling and slurring into our house (with my mom there), take a shower and pass out at 7:30. I go to check on you and catch you puking over the side of the bed into a trash can. I also later find that you have puked all over the toilet in our master bath and it is really not fun to be bending over cleaning up somebody else's puke at 8 months pregnant in the middle of the night. I am so angry and disappointed with you. I asked you not to get shithoused and you did so any way. And, even though you're a 28-year-old man and should be able to resist peer-pressure at this point, I am annoyed as hell with your dad too b/c he blatantly disrespected my wishes and thinks it's hilarious that you got wasted. I realize that this is how your family is since both your mom and sister got drunk AT my actual baby shower but you're usually not like that b/c if you were there is no way we would be married. I was so embarrassed having to apologize to my mom for my drunken husband. I cannot believe you disrespected me like that. My trust and respect for you took a big nosedive. It was supposed to be a special day and now I will remember my baby shower like this. I love you and always will but I really, REALLY do not like you right now.
Well, it's started. The ball is rolling. I am not sure that I can stop it or if I even want to.
My secret crush, who has kept me motivated and content in my mind for the last year and a half, well he feels the same way about me. We have "flirted" in the past, but I just figured it was me, b/c I was miserable in my marriage. I just found out this weekend and I have spent the day filled with anxiety and butterflies.
We didn't do anything, and we promised we wouldn't. We know that the grass just looks greener. We like our lives in general, where we live, who we know, what we do. We just happen to really, really like each other too. The bummer for me is that I feel like I am in a window of life in which there is really no option to leave you. I wouldn't leave FOR him anyway, but to even daydream about it brings me down b/c it just isn't an option.
If you knew who he was, you'd die. He is funny and charming and sexy and respectful. Lighthearted and upbeat.....all the things you THINK you are, but aren't.
My biggest dilemma is that while we said we wouldn't act on this, in my heart, I can't wait to. I don't know if I should schedule our next double date or run for my life. My only regret so far is that I didn't lean over and kiss him this weekend when I had the chance. I am terrified that our moment has passed. I both look forward to and dread the next time we are all together.
So dear husband......thanks for refusing counseling and for refusing to talk about us for the last 3 years. Thanks for constantly criticizing me and tearing me down. Thanks for making me want nothing to do with you. At least I don't have to feel guilty about what I am feeling right now, which is simply desired, just as I am.
I can see it in your eyes every night that I don't have sex with you. I would love to have sex, if you can get your hand off you dick long enough for me. Sometimes I am afraid I won't live up to the expectations you may have because of your masturbation. Oh yeah, I have heard and seen you and let me tell you, you like it. I can tell. So where does that leave me. And before some one says "jump on and help him out" let me just say, it doesn't turn me on. This is the behavior that gets you into trouble, remember......
I love you. Crazily so. And I know you love me. But where is your desire? I read and hear about these randy men and frigid wives. The stereotypes abound but we are the opposite. I want you. I desire physical affection from you. I want you to want me. I want you to be unable to keep your hands off me. But you are disinterested in sex. I can't understand it. Is it me? Is there something I am missing? No matter how many other ways you show your love, I will feel rejected and unloved without this aspect of our relationship. Physical affection is my love language.
i'm not married but sometimes i wish i was despite the fact that it would be a huge mistake. you are a terrible man. your son barely knows you, and he's not even OURS. i had a miscarriage soon after you had a baby with her, and you left me in the hospital all day, by myself dying emotionally and physically. 7 1/2 years we've been together, and you have a fiance AND another girlfriend. i hate that i can't leave you alone. you come by just when i'm at the end of my rope, finally thinking to myself i can maybe be with someone else....and toss me into a whirlwind of emotions. you put my body thru such extacy and are gone again. i hate that you do this, but hate myself more for letting you because i think i need you, and i'm still too scared to sleep with someone else. i hate that i bring this pain on myself because i know when you leave you are going to one of those other bitches. we were together first. everything you have become and actually accomplished has been with me. i stick by you thru the low points and try to build you back up. i cry over you almost every day, and none of it matters to you because you have those 2 fawning all over you.
you're making some of the hugest mistakes of your life. even your friends want to be with me and they all hate how i cry for you. you think you're on top right now, but you always come crashing down, but will i be here this time when you "need" me? i wonder if i will find the strength to move on before you come crashing thru the door again, tellin me it's me you want.
the weekend of your wedding i will be getting seriously fucked up. i wonder if i will hear from you. AFTER your wedding, i wonder if i will be able to go on....i wish i could just let go...
I cheated on you with my coworker when we were engaged. We had really hot sex, oftentimes at work. I felt guilty about all of this -- and then you hit me. More than once. And since then, fucking him in the break room was the best thing I ever did.
Thanks for your sympathy, even if it bears a striking resemblance to the general apathy you have towards my life and the things I do. God forbid you ever ask me about my day and then sit through me actually telling you without interrupting or starting to do something else while I talk. That actually might mean caring about someone more than you do yourself, and we can't have that! I really appreciate your total lack of concern for my feelings and opinions and especially cherish how you personalize all of our disagreements and lash out at me if I don't agree with you. It's delightful being married to a 30 year old man who has the relationship skills of a teenage boy. I love how you can never compromise, how you emotionally black mail me, and in especially stressful times, threaten to not participate in important events in my life all to make me do what you want. Thank you so much for being a hypocritical Christian, who says he believes in Jesus but then refuses to live a life that bears any resemblance to that. I look forward to the day when your cruel and petulant behavior shames me and the profession that I have chosen and causes my congregation to doubt me and my pastoral abilities. I look forward to the day when our children start to avoid you and your volcanic mood swings and when they start to ask if you love beer more than them. I look forward to all of the arguments we will have in the future about money because you are a spoiled child who refuses to consider fiscal responsibility or stewardship because they really want to eat out more than once a week. I had no idea that marriage could be so delightfully frustrating and soul crushing, but I have only you to thank for that. If we make it past five years, I think that even your mother will be surprised that you didn't manage to sabotage our relationship before then. Maybe they'll create protestant saints just to commemorate the hellish years that I spent catering to you and your outrageously childish behavior.
I just don't know what do with you anymore. You don't want to have a physical affair but you won't let go of me either. You know how I feel, you acknowledge that we belong together but you will not leave what you confess is a bad marriage. I applaud you for trying to make things right but how much longer can you put us both through this? I'll keep meeting you at our appointed time, our time together, to talk, to just be together. You have made it clear that I am a big part of your life and you want me around always. However, please understand how much it hurts to watch you with someone else. There will be a breaking point where I may have to walk away. I hope that it will not have to come to that. You know I am ready to leave him with or without you. I need you, I want you and I love you, just take my hand and come with me. That's all I ask of you.
I want to thank you for being the person that makes me laugh my ass off daily.
I want to thank you for the endless cups of tea.
I want to thank you for knowing it's your hair that clogs the drain and being embarrassed about it.
I want to thank you for loving my daughter.
I want to thank you for wanting to hold my hand.
I want to thank you for your patience with my ex.
I want to thank you for your ability to throw my mother for a loop.
I want to thank you for pointing out when I'm being over the top.
I want to thank you for still loving me when I give you the finger for pointing out I'm being over the top.
I want to thank you for playing.
I want to thank you for giving me back a sense of wonder
I love you... meet you by the swings.