Monday, June 15, 2009

True Wife Confessions #15 -Spicy noodles with egg roll

Confession #141

I hate how you never clean up the bathroom sink. You leave hair all over it. You spit in it and don’t bother to rinse. Once, when you were being a jerk, I took your toothbrush and cheerfully cleaned the scum from the sink. Then I laughed on the inside when you told me how nice the sink looked. And I laughed even harder because you were brushing your teeth while you told me.

Confession #142

Dude, when you use the master bathroom with the door open without the fan on and your stench bubbles the paint on the walls? That's just disgusting. So when you emerge from your nightly shit and start to rub on me and breathe all heavy in my ear? I turn you down because you made our room reek and romance is the last thing on my mind, not because of the ailment du jour I pretend to have. A word or two of advice. Shut the door, turn on the fan, and Oust spray. You might get more action that way.

Confession #143

I wish you'd get some friends of your own so you didn't just sit around the house all weekend being bored.

Confession #144

It cracks me up how you've been on my ass for YEARS to work out and lose weight. Now that I have lost weight and work out almost every day? You don't. Does this mean I can start making noises about how much weight you've gained and how big your ass has gotten? Have some more ice cream, honey.

Confession #145

You asked me if I wanted to be a swinger four weeks after our son was born. what the fuck do you think the answer was going to be? bet you didn't think it was gonna be yes. why? because I think you watching me fuck someone else will break your heart as much as you have smashed mine in the past. besides, you are a lousy lover. always have been.

Confession #146

I am having an affair with someone that I meet. It is COMPLETELY about the sex. Quite honestly, I am getting a little bored with you and I needed a little something different. I am not planning on leaving you. I meet him during my lunch break for a quickie 2-3 times a week. He never complains and he doesn't whine when I don't call him or when I tell him I am too busy to meet him that day.

Confession #147

If I come home from work early because I don't feel good it's because I DON'T FEEL GOOD. It doesn't mean YOU get to take a three hour nap and I get to take care of the baby. It also doesn't mean you get to throw a temper trantrum because I fall asleep at 10:30 when I've been up since 5 a.m.

Confession #148

If I tell you I have started my period that morning, leave me alone. No, I don't want to have sex. No, I don't want to do ANYTHING, I just want to lie still and wait for the ibuprofen to work. Your best bet? Tip toe out and leave me alone with a book. Or offer me a candy bar.

Confession #149

Taking a shower once a week because you want to get laid does not make you attractive. Take a shower daily for more than three days and then we'll talk.

Confession #150

That time you took care of me after I had my wisdom teeth out? That was love. Changing the dressing in my mouth? True love. I can't tell you how much ground you made up in that week. I needed you and you came through. Plus you never complain about buying tampons. Yes, I'm noticing.

1 comment:

Stitchin said...

#142, have you TOLD him this? Or are you relying on the psychic connection for him to figure it out? He might actually do what you want, if you tell him what it is.

#145, why in the world did you have a child with someone for whom you have so much contempt? Someone you describe as a "lousy lover" who has smashed your heart in the past. Why did you think this was a good idea?