Tuesday, May 26, 2009

True Wife Confessions Fo-teen

Confession #131

During that awful lunch with your mother before we got married, when she was
trying to get me to break up with you, she told me, "Once a liar, always a
liar. He'll lie to you for the rest of your life. It's a shame you don't
have more respect for yourself than to marry someone who lies to you." I
was incensed on your behalf at the time, but sometimes I look at you and
wonder if she wasn't right. I hope not, but then you lie about something
else, usually something stupid. I wish you would just be honest with me.

Confession #132

I have a secret blog where I vent about how crazy you make me.

Confession #133

Sometimes I know you want sex but play dumb because you won't just come out and ask me if we can have sex.

Confession #134

Silly man. All you have to do to get more sex is shower more often. Who wants to have sex with a man who hasn't showered since the last time you had sex?

Confession #135

When you tell me not to worry my pretty little head about all the secrets you keep I worry more, asshole.Your declarations of love mean nothing - talk is cheap.

Confession #136

Okay...you keep talking about cutting your hair off and...you know...that's okay. It's been short before and you have great hair be it long or short. But can I just tell you that when you mention the possibility of shaving your head like Peter Frampton?? Dude, you SO don't have the head for it. Remember when your brother shaved his head? Just a little too skinhead/front porch of Deliverance/brain surgery kind of look for my taste. And the men in your family just don't have heads that are shaped the right way for that kind of haircut. Here's my rule: KNOW YOURSELF AND YOUR LIMITS. And another thing...the thing with all the hats? You and your brothers gotta stop wearing them. Just....stop.

Confession #137

It pisses me off how you become Mr. Wonderful when my friends come around. The second they arrive, you offer to make dinner and let me "relax, because I deserve it". They see this wonderful man and tell me constantly how lucky I am, because their men never offer to cook. When they leave, you go back to your lazy-ass self and do nothing. They say all those great things about you when you're in earshot, but they have your number, and so do I. They know you're really a lazy jerk who is just trying to put on a good show.

Confession #138

I'm not a wife so I don't know if my confession can really count, but the
fact that we have been together for 11 years and living together for almost
6 years and you say that I am the one for you and you know how lucky you are
to have me and blah, blah, blah, but you still (still!) have not proposed to
me? That really hurts. And makes me feel like the dumbest woman alive.

Confession #139

I know I hurt you in the past but there is only so much I can do to make it up to you. At some point you're going to have to accept that I am sorry and move on. You can't keep blaming me for your off-the-handle-rage at the most innocuous of things. When you get this way I feel psychologically abused. I know you didn't want to hear me say that last night, but I had to. It was the only way to get through to you. You say you're getting over it and that you don't need counselling but I am getting to the end of my rope. If changes don't start to happen soon I'll have to leave, it's the only way I can respect myself. I will not accept the fact that you've made me the root of all of your problems.

Confession #140

I know you're telling all your friends that you have no idea why we're getting a divorce, but they all know it's because of your porn addiction and total unwillingness to be a little less self-absorbed.


Anonymous said...

Number 138: He's just not that into you. Move on.

Anonymous said...

#140 it sounds like me life, I just haven't told him I am ready to leave yet. I get the whole porn thing and there is nothing wrong with masturbation and self love, but when he is getting up in the middle of the night to do it, I think it's a problem.

beyond 2000 vibe said...

This is a great blog

yeah, I'm stupid said...

#138: That would be one of the TWO dumbest women alive.

No, wait, I'm DUMBER. Because I'm waiting, STILL, but not living with him.