Monday, March 23, 2009

True Wife Confessions E-Lev-En

Confession #101

Your inane, incessant questions are not only annoying to me, but also to
your children. I have coached them into just nodding and responding with, "I
have no idea." Shut up, already.

Confession #102

I hate you when you ask the question, "What's for dinner?" It makes me want
to punch you in the mouth. Why should it matter? You are going to eat it,
whatever it is, because you know that it would be a cold day in hell before
you cooked your own dinner or missed a meal.

Confession #103

It was really not fun when your dad came to visit and, instead of "Hello", the first thing he said to me was "What's for dinner?", at 9 pm, as I was just stepping in after a day of work, school and being pregnant. Did I mention I hate him?

Confession #104

Since I have to drive you to work and pick you up (as you refuse to get a driver's license while we are overseas), and since your workday starts at varying times, and since sometimes you want to get to work earlier than other times, when I ask what time you want to leave the house, tell me what time we want to LEAVE THE F*CKING HOUSE, not what time you are expected to report for duty. If I say "what time do you want to LEAVE tomorrow morning?" and you say "7:00," don't freak out on me at 5:45am when you are ready to leave for the 15 minute drive to work and I'm not even dressed yet.

Confession #105

If you want help, Ask for help. Staring at me from across the room does not communicate that you need help. I don't read your mind. I don't even WANT to read your mind. Open you mouth and say "Can you help me?" The child gets it, you should too.

Confession #106

If I work all day and you've played video games all day, and I come home and cook dinner, and you say "leave the dishes, I'll get them" and then they are still in the sink when I start trying to cook breakfast, and you say "I'll do the dishes after breakfast," don't be surprised if I'm slamming around and washing dishes and being curt with you. I can't make your damn breakfast if the pan I need is still dirty and in the sink under a pile of dinner dishes.

Confession #107

Do not ask me questions when I am half asleep and then act surprised when I get pissy about them. I was ALMOST asleep. Now I am not. I am not happy. If you see me in the "International position for being asleep" I suggest you leave me alone.

Confession #108

Giving me "the look" at bedtime isn't ever going to put me in the mood. I get up at dawn after going to bed at 11 p.m., then spend all day trying to get work done while our kids tug at me, demanding my time and attention. Then you come home and want something from me as well. Want to know the most effective foreplay in the world? You cleaning up after dinner, feeding the dogs, bathing the kids, picking up the their mess and putting the them to bed instead of me doing it.

Confession #109

Dear husband, I am so tired & sleepy by the time you get home from work
around 11:30 at night, I really wish you'd just go to bed when you get
home, and go to sleep instead of turning on that damn television and
letting it blare to all hours of the night and early morning.

Don't you know a girl needs her beauty sleep and believe me honey, it
wouldn't hurt you to get a little of it too, you're starting to get bags
under your eyes and I've noticed a bit of yawning when I wake you up for
work at 4:00 in the morning. Please sugar face, honey bunch... just keep
the damn television OFF!

Confession #110

The largest part of your ego, personality, and relationship with others is based on the knowledge that you are “hung”. If you ever lost your penis, you would probably cease to exist.
And I hate having sex with you because it hurts.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

106 - Why are YOU cooking his breakfast or dinner for that matter? If he's not working, he should be making the meals or at least sharing the responsibility.

Loving Annie said...

I loved confession 108 - SO TRUE !!!!


And 110 - couldn't agree more !!!

Cool Destiny said...

You're cool.

Anonymous said...

I find the previous comment really offensive. Can it be removed? Also, what's a "titty bar"? I don't think anyone has called it that since, like, 1950. Also, the images of abuse (like a foot up your butt) are quite jarring. If I were your English teacher, I would give you a D for your comments.

Dawn said...

I think that Commenter thinks that all of these confessions are coming from one person - (which happens more often than you'd think) so essentially, he/she is directing that at ME, which shows how little he/she knows about the site, me , or the community here.

While I understand your distaste for the comment, I think it does exemplify a manner of thinking. And sometimes I like to let people fly their true colors somewhere.

Even if it shows how ridiculous they are.

Lewis R. said...

man, i'm scared now!

Stitchin said...

#104: TELL HIM you want X amount of notice before you leave the house. Tell him you will not leave before you have gotten dressed. If he needed to be there earlier, he could either LET YOU KNOW, DRIVE HIMSELF ... or be later than he planned. If you scramble to get him there on time, he will NEVER change. I was unbelievably pissed to learn that I was the one always blamed for our being late, when it was ALWAYS my ex’s fault. Either people assumed it took me longer (ooh, a girl!) to get ready, or he told them. Let your husband get in trouble. Then he’ll tell you when you need to leave the house.

#105: Print this. Hand it to him.

#106: Do not cook breakfast for
the guy who did not do the dishes. Hand him a piece of dry bread. Tell him he would have gotten breakfast, but the pan was dirty. (Even if you then clean the pan and cook your own breakfast.)

#107: Have you TOLD him this before? If you have, tell him that if he’s that inconsiderate, sleep elsewhere.

#108: Print this. Hand it to him.

#109: You married my ex? Oh, no ... He’d stay up and watch television instead of having sex. You’re not pissed yet. My bad.

#110: Ohhh, been there. A two-ton truck in a one-ton garage. And they’re so pleased with themselves about it! Don’t EVER take the top; you can control the positions better on your back or on your side – and the amount of truck in the garage.