When we watched "P.S. I Love You" and you cried along with me, I was unbelievably touched! I can't even imagine how I would cope with losing you, and to know that you feel the same about me is a wonderful, exhilarating feeling. I won't tell anyone that you cried (except maybe my mom, and it'll make her love you even more than she does already), but I'm so glad you did!
So, probation is almost over and we still haven't talked about what happened to the extent it needs to be talked about. You're a nice guy who made a mistake and I am a nice girl who has decided to stay. A year later, what a long time that has gone by soooo fast. I started posting here to help me not say things to you that would be damaging to our marriage. I would feel emotions I didn't know I have, then went into therapy and realized I really could be pissed at you and decide to stay with you at the same time. Imagine, I had a choice. So now I choose to keep on going down the same path with you and if things don't go as planned or you should veer off the path with me, I can choose to leave. I can promise I will leave if there is a next time. the amount of time and money on this case is crazy. 12,000.00 dollars to keep you out of jail, now you may be layed off next week. We sure could have used the money now. I hope you really have learned your lesson. I come here to get these words out of my head before I say something that I really don't mean. I could hurt with my words, and that's not my style. Frankly I dont' want to be judged, I just want to vent without it coming back to me, but lately I feel I have to defend my thoughts here, too. With that said, STOP SNORING!!
I posted here last year. I said some terrible things in anger and despair. Now I want to rectify the situation.
Dear husband- I was wrong. So wrong. So dumb. I'm glad we fell in love again with fresh vigor and enthusiasm for one another. You're the best thing to ever happen to me. I adore you. I've been unfair and foolish in the past. Childlike in my frustrations and selfish. We got another start once we moved and I've never been happier. Thank you honey for putting up with my shit. Thank you for loving me because I'll love you until the day I die. I learned my lesson and with your patience and kindness, I've become a new woman! I love you baby and Happy Two Year Wedding Anniversary!-- Hope there are many more to come!
All my love- Your Devoted Wife
Sometimes when we are caught up in the passion of our kissing and fucking, I look at you...and you look at me. And you start to cry a little. So I hold you and whisper how much I love you. I know how scary we can feel, this giant enormous passion between us. I love that you feel safe enough with me to let that out, and it makes me love you more.
Whether or not you intended to hurt my feelings, you did. When I called you on it, rather than just a simple apology I got another 30 minute lecture about how I over-react, how I'm too sensitive, how I'm wrong. At that point I'll say anything, do anything, concede defeat just to get you to shut the fuck up. It doesn't mean you were right, it doesn't mean you "win". It means that I'm learning I can't discuss my feelings with you without being punished. So when the day comes that I'm completely fed up with you, my walking out will come as a complete surprise.
I appreciate that you are trying to spice sex up after 20 years, but it freaks me the hell out when you zero in on my vagina after ignoring it for the past 20 years. No warning - no nothing - just on it. I finally faked an orgasm to get you up and out of there. Geesh. Give me a little warning, ask me what I like. Something.
How can I LOVE someone so much but sometimes HATE them almost as much??
Maybe I don't love you anymore? I don't know. I know that I love the old you. The caring you. We had all these plans and dreams. You told me how everything would work out. Why did I believe you? Heck, I don't even care about that any more. I'd give anything for you just to TALK about our dreams with me. You don't even have to fulfill them. I think that some where deep inside you, you're still the same person. Why do you hide it away from me?
I was young and stupid and immature for listening to you and eloping. I wish I would have gone to school. But I thought that I had found my true love. If you were the same that you led me to believe you were, this all would have ended up fine. But you weren't the same person when I came up here to elope. You lied to me. I want to go back to how it was when we were dating. If I could go back I would. I don't know if we would still be together. That's one of the reasons that I came up here with you, I was scared to lose you. You made me feel like there was no other option. I didn't feel like there was any other option for us. I should have seen the way you started to treat me on the phone was only part of how you had changed.
I hate that you joined the army. You said it was your dream but sometimes you say that you did it because you had no other options. You had TWO good job offers without a college education. One of those would have paid for you to go to school for them. We could be making good money and still be back home. Our baby could have way better then we are giving him now. You are stationed in the middle of no where. The base is empty because everyone is deployed except you. I have no friends, I hate it here.
I hate that you got a hernia. I hate that they messed up the surgery. I hate that they messed up the surgery that was supposed to fix it. You haven't given me good sex since we got it. You got it a few months after we got married and we have been married for almost two years. No wonder I never want to do it with you. If you hadn't gotten the surgery you would be in Iraq right now. I NEVER want you to get hurt. The main reason that I don't want you to go is because I'm scared shitless that something would happen to you. I still love you that much. But if you were over there we would be getting a much needed break. We would be making decent money for once. I would be back home with people I love and with my friends.
I wish you would have gotten condoms when we first got married. I was young and naive and in love. You were my first I didn't know barely anything about sex. I trusted you when you said that you would pull & pray and that we wouldn't get pregnant. It might have worked IF YOU DID IT!! I didn't want to get pregnant right after turning 18!!! Don't take that the wrong way, I absolutely LOVE and ADORE my child. He is the BEST thing that ever happened to me. But I want better for him Which I could have given him if we had waited till we are better off. Now we go paycheck to paycheck with a little to spare. I also hate that you asked me to have sex just a few days before we got married. I wanted to be a virgin till we got married. You knew how important that was to me. No you didn't force me and yes I should have said no but I was emotionally unstable at the time. I just left home without telling anyone good bye and I just given up everything for you. I will regret that my whole life.
Thanks for getting me pregnant and then not helping me at all through it. Thanks for making ME go out and get what I craved for. Thanks for not going to the appointments with me. Thanks for making my big pregnant self go out all by myself when I needed out of the house. Thanks for making me force you to go grocery shopping the last few weeks of my pregnancy when my water could have broken at anytime. Thanks for telling me that you would do all that and then not doing it. That pisses me off the most, you saying one thing then not following through.
I hate you for looking at porn. Some people might be okay with it but I"M NOT!! You crushed me the first time I caught it. I just had a baby and felt like shit about myself and you go and do that. You looking at it takes the little self esteem that I have go away. Why was I not good enough for you? Was popping a baby out not good enough for you? I was in labor for over 24 hours, I pushed for over 4hours, and I had a 3rd degree tear. I was hurting pretty bad. You couldn't even wait a few weeks till I healed up. Use your damn hand, don't go look at naked girls that look way better than me. You promised never to do it again. The second time I found it I was PISSED. How could you break your promise?!? The third time just made me hate you a little more. I hate it. If you have to hide it from me it's cheating in my book. Don't even tell me that you were bored at work and that's why you did it. That is bull shit and you know it. If you were so bored you could have called me and talked to ME.
I absolutely DESPISE you for being so double sided. You tell me one thing that then you want another. You told me to stay on vacation for a couple more weeks and then you ruined it for calling me ALL the time and yelling at me. I didn't want to come home and the only reason I did was because of my mom. People threw a bridal shower for me so I got to pick out stuff for the house. I called and tried asking you what you would like, you tell me to pick whatever and you would like what I picked. Now every fricking time we have a fight you just have to bring up the fact that I picked out EVERYTHING in the house. Which is BS. The list of your double-sidedness just goes on and on.
Sometime when I look at you I just want to slap you so hard in your face. I think how much you have hurt me. I remember the names you called me, bitch, c***, whore, spoiled brat, dumbass, crazy and I'm sure there are more. I remember every time you have let me down. I think of all the promises you have broken. Thinking of all that makes me want to slap your face off. ..
You mess with my head. One minute you are fine and everything is great (those are the times that I am happy) the next you are yelling at me for everything. You tell me we can get out of the house but then you won't go out with me. We live in the middle of nowhere. All my friends have left. I have no one to talk to except you and my mom. Then you have the balls to yell at me for talking to my mom all the time. We talk once a day, leave it alone. Talk to me more and maybe I wouldn't. Yes, I think that I might be starting to get depressed, but not because I'm missing my family and friends back home, because of how you treat me. I feel like shit whenever you are around.I don't want to be your princess again. I just want some respect from you. That's all I ask. I'm lonely that is why I get on the internet. It started when I was pregnant and I was on it all the time, I had nothing better to do. I don't get on it that much anymore, a few times a day. I can't quit cold turkey, it's my only link to the outside world.
I wish you would get this through your head: I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER!!!! I had no plans to leave you. I am not the bitch that she is. If you don't agree with me about something I will not rip your balls off. I do not want a guy that gives me everything that I want because he is scared of me. I tell you what I think about something and that is called an opinion. I will straight out tell you if I don't want you to do this or that. Stop being a dick to me because you are scared of our relationship being how your mom and step-dad are. You are more like her than me. You are the moodiest guy I have ever met.
Oh by the way, your proposal was not a surprise. I went along with it to make you happy. I knew all along. Stop telling everyone that it was a surprise, you sound dumb.
What made me write all this is because we are fighting. You told me while fighting that if I was sexy then you would put effort into our sex life. You accused me of cheating. You dumb fuck, who the hell would I cheat with?? There is NO ONE up here. You have to go and question my sanity. I might be slightly depressed but I am NOT crazy. You not only question my sanity but you have the nerve to say you don't trust me with my own child. You say 'I'm worried you are either going to hurt him physically, or neglect him and hurt him emotionally'. Want to know what I have to say to that....Go FUCK yourself. That child is the only reason I live. He is the main reason I am still with you. I would never hurt him. How could you say something like that when I cry over how big he has gotten, I worry when he falls and want to take him to the E.R..I'm the one that has taken him to the E.R. everytime he has been sick. I am the one that gets up to take care of him in the middle of the night. I'm the one that clothes him and bathes him. That isn't you. You have yet to do any of that. You got up with him ONE time but it was at 8 a.m. on a Saturday so I could sleep a little more. I couldn't even sleep though because he was crying so much from you not doing anything with him. Right now I am frustrated because of his sleeping schedule. He doesn't sleep like he used to and wasn't going to bed till 1-2-3 a.m. I was trying to fix it but it just made him a big crab. I wasn't getting mad at him at all just the problem we were having with sleeping. That is a big difference. I was getting barely any sleep b/c I tried to stay awake to talk to you and be with you, on the weekends, while you were on nights. Yes, I was sleeping during the day WITH J. I was getting maybe 6 hours in a 24hour period. Don't critize me when you aren't doing anything to do with it. It's not as easy as you think, staying home all day with him.
I want to show you all this. But I know that you'll just twist it all around and I'll be the bad guy. I want everything to be back to normal like before. I hope you realize that if you don't start to change soon, I'm out. I will not put up with this crap much longer. I hate who I am becoming. I don't want J to think that it's okay to treat women like you treat me. Don't worry I'll stay long enough for me to get at least a start on my college at your expense. Long enough for me to save up enough money to make it for a few months.
I don't want to. Really I don't but I can't live off of broken promises. I want to go to counseling and get help. I'm telling you this when you get home from work. You need to make an effort though, a big effort. Dumb old me will forgive you and listen to your promises and love you like you deserve it. I really do love you, after reading all that I typed I still love you. You better straighten up before I wisen up.
your push-over wife
My husband doesn’t get why I don’t want my sil to watch my daughter, EVER. It’s because she drinks to oblivion, all the time, and watches waaaay inappropriate movies, with LOTS of nudity, sex and language. My sil and mil watch stuff in the living room in front of whoever is there that I would consider borderline porn. IN PLAIN VIEW OF EVERYONE. It’s embarrassing. If we are all over at my mil or sil’s house, they will be watching an embarrassing movie, I make sure me and my daughter are NOT in the same room with them. My husband doesn’t really notice, he thinks they are in the other room watching a romcom and that he would rather stay in the main living room watching sports with his dad. It’s gotten to the point where they will give me a heads up that they are watching a movie and tell me the name, just so I can make myself scarce if need be, I have to give them credit for that. What’s wrong with watching more wholesome family fare when say…WHEN KIDS ARE AROUND? And saving the more adult stuff for your bedroom, with the door locked!
My sil watches the most vile movies, with lots of nudity, sex and language, stuff that I find embarrassing. She could easily watch a movie that had female nudity ALL during it and not even give it a second thought. She hasn’t figured out yet that WOMEN AREN’T OBJECTS.
I’m not judging anyone else that likes this, fine, live anyway you want, but I don’t want my daughter around people that don’t share my core belief that children shouldn’t be exposed to strong sexual content.
My husband/her brother, just thinks that she is “stupid”, and he says just ignore her, and that he is just used to her antics that it rolls off his back. He doesn’t think she is as bad as I do because he is more used to her.
Btw, she doesn’t have kids cause she isnt able to and doesn’t want to adopt.
And she doesn’t have the common sense of a fruit fly, and refuses to clean up her language in front of my daughter. My husband doesn’t really want to spend time with her either, he doesn’t really want to talk about it cause she’s family and he believes in family loyalty. But she lives 20 min from us and we hardly ever see her, only family get togethers, we don’t hang out with her. Every once in a while she will mention that she would love to see my daughter and babysit. He feels as if he should throw her a bone and let her babysit. I have given in 2 times, and she came to our house so I knew that I would have some control over the environment.
I really avoid her as much as possible, she is soo phony, I tried to be her friend at first, but once I saw how she was, I don’t want anything to do with her. She pretends to be friends with people, and then behind their backs she talks trash about them. She does this with several family members, and they have no idea how much she says she “hates” them when they aren’t around. Her family ignores this about her.
I pray every day that I will wake up and this will all be a dream and I will be in the year 2004 again, before I met you, so that I might miraculously make a different decision. But time never rewinds for me, my life doesn’t change. If it were not for our daughter, I would have ended it by now. Not just our relationship and a lot of other things, but my life. I’ve thought about it often, many times, once with the gun in my hand, but each time I think about her – how she needs me and what it would do to her if I was suddenly gone. I’ve always known that I would do anything for her, and I guess that includes living when I would rather just end it all. You are all the family that she and I have, and she adores you like no one else. But she sees things from a child’s perspective, and she doesn’t know the man that I have to live with. It’s not simply your drinking problem and the fact that you spend hundreds of dollars a month on alcohol. It’s also the fact that when you are drunk you treat me like shit. I’m glad that you stay outside to drink, and that she doesn’t have to see you drunk, because you are pathetic and disgusting when you are trashed. Seeing you like that makes me want to cry for you and to beat the shit out of you all at the same time.
When we first married, you were so hard-working, constantly fixing things around the house and taking care of the yard. Now the yard looks like shit and the house is about to fall in. Our room has had a hole in the ceiling for three years, the power in one bedroom has been out for two weeks (it’s a miracle the house hasn’t burnt down yet), the kitchen sink has been leaking for months, the bathtub faucet is leaking and rotting out the sheetrock around it, and much more. I don’t know how to fix these things myself, and you won’t let me hire someone else to take care of them.
Then there is our sex life – or lack of. When you’re drinking you can’t do anything, even though that is the only time you halfway try. When you’re sober, you are disinterested or too tired or whatever the hell your problem is. The little blue pills made you feel bad – boo fucking hoo. Last night when you were drunk and I was “taking care” of you, you suddenly sat up and starting choking me. It was easy to free myself, because you are weak as shit when you are drunk, but it scared me and pissed me off at the same time. That’s only the second time that you’ve ever gotten physical with me, the first being the time I tried to keep you from driving drunk and you punched me in the jaw. It’s true how they show cartoon characters seeing stars when they get whacked in the head. I saw stars and couldn’t move my jaw without pain for a week.
When you are sober, you claim to not remember any of the terrible things you did or said while drunk. But the funny thing is that no matter how wasted you were, you can always remember everything I did or said. So basically you are lying. You are fully aware of all of the times you told me you didn’t love me or that I was a stupid bitch.
You spend all of your time at work, getting drunk in the backyard, trying to sober up, sleeping entire weekends away, and watching TV. We never do anything together as a family anymore. I don’t understand it. You have a young wife who treats you like a king, a beautiful daughter who worships you, a good job, friends, and a decent home. Why are you trying to throw it all away? I know you have hurts and old wounds, but who doesn’t? Snap the fuck out of it!
I’m sick of living this way. I know people would say that it is my fault for staying, that I could take our daughter and leave if things are so bad, but I have to have a place to take her, a way to make things not so difficult for her. So as soon as I get up enough money, which won’t be much longer, I am going to leave you to wallow in your misery. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a man with split personalities, who could be a bad influence on our daughter, who says he loves me but doesn’t act like he does. I’m 28 years old – I need stability, a strong shoulder to lean on, affection, and at least some occasional sex. Even though I have no other family and I know my life will be lonely and hard without you, I also know it will be so much easier emotionally and physically. You take so much out of me. My stomach is in knots just thinking about how our baby will react to being away from you, and how I will feel walking out that door, and how I will constantly worry about you, knowing that you really need me. But I have to do it. For me and mostly for her. I don’t want to be this person anymore, in this life.
To my Future Hubby:
Whenever we argue, you always say that I don't trust you, which isn't entirely true. I do trust YOU, the essence of your being, the good man you are. I trust that you will stand by my side and be there when it counts. I trust that you will never stray, and that you always have our best interests at heart. I trust that you love me, that you are my best friend, and that we can solve any problem together. I love you (more importantly, I like you!) and I'm ecstatic at the thought of being your wife.
I DON'T trust your ADD. Your memory is horrible, and it is sooo frustrating! It doesn't seem to matter what you have to remember- as soon as it enters your pretty little head, it's gone. (For instance, I'll send you to the store with a grocery list, and you'll forget to read it. You'll miss half the items, and then it's another trip. How hard is it to read a piece of paper?!? Maybe I should start pinning lists to your shirt...) I'm responsible for keeping track of EVERYTHING- birthdays, bills, chores, appointments, groceries, planning for the wedding- and I'm sick of doing it! I know you've been struggling with ADD for years, and you say you've tried every trick in the book to improve things; apparently none of them worked. I don't think you tried very hard, though. I have a bad memory myself (thanks to genetics and a few klutzy concussions when I was a kid), but compared to you, I am the Memory Queen! I write things down, and I form habits and routines to help me remember. You're cooperating with my "box" idea for your keys and things, but otherwise you've given up trying and have handed me all the responsibility. Which is very unfair to me! I am not your babysitter, I am not your mom, and I am not your secretary. I don't care how you do it, but do what grown-ups do and keep track of your own shit!
I DON'T trust you to recognize what needs to be done around the house, and do it. Maybe it's the ADD again, or maybe it's because your parents didn't make you do chores when you were young. (Which they should be slapped for! It's the job of parents to make sure that their children are prepared for adulthood. They didn't do you- or me- any favours by cleaning up after you all the time.) I need you to be a big boy, notice what needs to be done WITHOUT ME TELLING YOU, and do it. It's bad enough that I have to remind our roommate just to clean up after himself (and by the way, the second we can move out and leave him and his disgusting habits behind, we're gone- we'll give him notice, but then it's 'So long, Gollum'.), I don't need the added stress of babysitting you too. (FYI, I'm not best pleased about having to babysit him in the first place. You have NO idea.) Grow up and clean up after yourself. And then do some extra chores- you owe me.
I DON'T trust you to save money. I'm a saver, and you're a spender. I know you've really been trying to save, especially with the wedding coming up soon, but you forget how expensive things are and how often you really do splurge. That's why I've started writing everything down, so I can show you where the money is going. Don't fight me on it, and don't make me feel bad when I have to say "I'm sorry honey, but you can't have that right now". Weddings are expensive (even though we're doing our best to cut costs. Sorry, I'M doing my best. You're not really involved with the details, are you?), and I don't want my family to have to help us out more than necessary. Of course, if YOUR family was interested in helping, maybe we could ease up on the money restrictions. Which brings me to another point...
I DON'T trust you to stand up for yourself (or me) with your parents. We've been together for 2 and a half years, and your dad has yet to wish me a Happy Birthday. Does he think I don't have one? And your mom forgot my birthday last year. I'm sorry that this bothers me, but it does. Holidays are VERY important in my family, and I believe that if someone is important to you, you remember the days that are important to them. Period. Your dad didn't even get us a present this past Christmas. I don't mind as much about myself, but you're his only child! He can lend money ($4K!) to a woman he barely knows, but he can't get you a damn Christmas present?!? I know that hurt you, and I can't forgive him for that. I will play nice, just as I always have, but I will never forgive either of your parents for hurting you so many, many times. The irony is that your parents live so close, while mine (wonderful people, especially my mom) live in another province. I would gladly move to be closer to them and further away from yours... (And we will, eventually, if I have anything to say about it!) Your parents aren't even showing interest in our wedding! If you would only talk to them and tell them that their actions are hurting you/us, maybe things would improve. But although you can stand up for yourself in basically any other situation, you're incapable of standing up to (or even disagreeing with!) your parents. And I can't understand why.
I love you so much, honey-bunny. Don't ever doubt that! But sometimes I wish I was marrying a responsible adult, instead of an irresponsible man-child. I don't expect you to be perfect (I know I'm certainly not!), but I do expect you to try. Please keep trying. And up the effort!
Your Loving Future Wife