I was confession 1880; we conceived our son at a foreign clinic, through a double gamete donation -- our eggs & sperm were both too compromised to work. We are totally besotted with our son, and the only stress is hiding this HUGE secret from the small-minded small towners we live among.
I was so thrilled at the universally positive tone of the comments, that I decided maybe it wasn't crazy after all to go back and try again, even though I am four years older and the "miracle" story would look a little thin. So I took the trip end of March -- April 1, to be exact, was the transfer date. All went well and I saw two pink lines again, soon after: hurray! Except now the worries began: what if it was twins? What if I got pre-eclampsia again, instead of nosing around the edges of it as I had done the first time? What if the birth was premature and I now had a crippled baby along with an active toddler? No spare money, little spare time... how would we cope? I sat there in the dark, rocking my son, and worried. My husband and I fought bitterly over care of the toddler -- I thought he was too lenient, he thought I was too strict. When a three year old hits you you imagine him hitting the baby, and you want your man to step in rather than watch his pregnant wife get whacked! I kept wondering, should I not have gone at all....just left them in the freezer forever. At least this way there was a CHANCE things would go well, right?
Well, they did until they didn't. At my 12 week scan they told me growth had stopped at 9.5 weeks. No heartbeat. I was crushed.... and in a tiny dark place, relieved. No bedrest, no preeclampsia, no fear of dying for me. But the loss, the loss is grieved every day now. I wanted my son to have a sibling! Every problem that came up I had a plan for, and now all those plans are for nothing. I am so unbelievably bitter that we were allowed to rejoice at all, then have it snatched away for no known reason. Because they did the genetic testing, and the baby was fine....it's me that caused the problem, somehow. And this is what keeps me up at night. Every time I raised my voice and blood pressure, every time I lifted my son a little roughly, every time I strained on the toilet..... I thought, hell, the last one stuck, this one is going to have to deal. So careless. I feel like through my worry and ambivalence, I killed her.
My mil is driving me nuts. She honestly doesn’t see anything wrong with trying to wedge herself inbetween me and my daughters relationship. She went behind my back and came up with a game plan about wanting to take my daughter to get her hair cut, but then didn’t have the backbone to tell me about it. She had another family member tell me that she was going to take her to a salon and cut her hair, and the appointment is next week. HELLO, no f’ing way are you doing this. When I put my foot down and said no, she made it seem like I was the bad guy. My daughter is not getting her hair cut right now and when she does I will arrange it, not you. This is my daughter, I am her gate keeper, YOU ASK ME IF YOU WANT TO DO STUFF WITH HER, NOT TELL ME THAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO SOMETHING THAT INVOLVES HER. YOU ASK ME.
She is still a baby and barely even has any hair, I cut her bangs, that is all she needs. I TAKE CARE OF HER NEEDS. And please stop asking your daughter/my sil to get my daughter things as she needs it when I am at your house, she is MINE, I will met her needs. Don’t ask your daughter/my sil to get her sippy, or her plate of food (that I have in my hand), or her blanket, or to put her down for a nap, etc. SHE IS MY DAUGHTER, I will get what she needs.
My sil can’t have kids, even though she wants them, and she doesn’t want to adopt. I am starting to get the impression that when we are all together at a family get together that they are pretending that my daughter is really my sil’s daughter. Cause when it’s just my mil, my daughter and me, she really doesn’t pay attention to my daughter, but when my sil is there, they are all up in my daughters face trying to exclude me from their clique. It’s just a feeling I get.
LIKE F’ING HELL IM LAYING DOWN FOR THAT! She’s mine, back off wenches! I will not tolerate this, because of my husband, I will tolerate you, but you will NOT exclude me from my daughter, it will not work. I WILL BE A BITCH IF NEED BE TO GET YOU TO RESPECT ME AND MY DAUGHTERS BOUNDRY.
When I see you I will act like everything is fine, but under my breath I will be saying have a nice day bitch. Lol.
You asshole rat-fuck gutless piece of shit bastard son of a bitch. I found
out about her. I know that's why you left me. Too bad you're too much of a
coward to actually say it to my face. I hope she finds out what kind of man
you REALLY are. At first I was sad, and angry, and hurt, but right now I
think I'm glad I found out before I had wasted another five years of my life
with you. Good riddance, and go fuck yourself.
Thank you for respecting my words when I say that I am not in the mood for sex. You cuddle with me, rub my back, make me laugh. Of course, after all that touching, I'M really in the mood for sex, and so you get a very willing partner who is excited and lustful for you. It is an excellent strategy.
Once we got cable, our sex life went to shit. You started staying up past 2 a.m. many a night watching movies. Then the next night you'd do the same. Then the next you'd be so tired you'd go to bed by 9 p.m. I'm tired of you avoiding me. I'm tired of you disappearing into the bathroom before bed. I'm tired of smelling spit on your hands. I'm tired of walking in on you jerking off in the shower. I'm tired of all of your excuses.
Sometimes I think the only way we'd have sex would be if I cut your hands off. Course I'm sure it wouldn't take you but a few days to figure out some other way to jerk off.
When I said I can't compete with the tv and your hand, I was serious. You got offended. But its the truth.
I don't buy the "Its my anxiety issues" bullshit. You've always had "anxiety issues." We'd still manage to have sex 2-3 times a week. What makes this different (especially when you admit that your jobs stress is going down and for fuck's sake you're a few days into two-week vacation!
Its not like I'm some nasty looking creature. I look better in a pair of jeans now than I did in my early 20's. When I go out with girlfriends, I get attention from other guys. I still take care of myself.
Meanwhile, YOU'RE overweight, got a ginormous gut that rubs against me when you're on top, a tiny pecker, hairy ass and hairy back. You no longer have a jawline. Plus you're losing muscle. Your arms are getting skinny but your chest is getting wider. And you're going bald. Despite this, I still wanted to have sex with you. I still told you I found you sexy. And YOU'RE not sexually interested in ME?
Do you know how we can solve this? Maybe you should stop jerking off so much. Hmmm?
My god, how sad is that? You can't stop jerking off long enough to have sex with your wife. You jerk off so much, your sperm count was too low to get me pregnant. (This is why we haven't sought medical intervention. Because if you'd stop jerking off for gee, 48 hours? It would be a whole different story. You are a pathetic piece of SHIT. And I swear if some other guy starts finding me sexually attractive and isn't attached? I am going to fuck him. Do you know why? Because I'd rather have a real dick inside of me than a bunch of flimsy excuses.
You profess to find me sexy, you claim to love to have sex with me and you claim masturbation doesn't compare to how awesome sex is with me. But we're like roommates. (Well, roommates where one does all of the housework and childcare while the other lays on the couch, eats and jerks off.) I think you are full of shit and don't have the balls to tell me what's going on. If you no longer find me attractive, that's fine. There are other men that do.
Here we are year later and you are going backwards to where we were then. I don't know if I can do this with you anymore. I am trying to help but you are an adult and make decisions by yourself. I know the doc said I am supposed to be your meter as to when you are starting to get depressed, but for how long am I supposed to hold your hand? I told you this morning you needed to check the thoughts in your head and I am not sure if you have heard me. Anyway, careful driving home, it's going to snow today and you need patience.
Love ? Me
I'm completely stunned that you have pulled away from me just because you asked me some questions about my sexual history and I answered you honestly. Yes, I experimented many, many years ago. I don't see how that has anything to do with "us". But clearly, you think it does. My confession? I would never have been so open with you had I known the effect it would have on you. Then again, if something that trivial can change your feelings for me so drastically, then I guess you never loved me anyway. Better to find out now, I suppose.
We have been married almost 2 years now. You are perfect. You make me
lunch for work, you bake me cookies, you wash every dish in the house
without complaining. You do anything I ask at the snap of a finger, and
you know what, its annoying! Some days I wish you'd just act like a man
and do manly things. It is not a turn on seeing you in the kitchen with
an apron on. I ask if you would like to maybe spice up our sex life
with a threesome, girl of course, and you say no! You don't watch
sports or scratch yourself, you hate video games and always tell me that
I am the most beautiful wonderful girl alive. You like cleaning toilets
and setting out potpourri. Most people question if you are gay.
Most people think I have it made, but just once I'd love for you to man
up. I am tired of wearing the pants in our relationship. I would love
you to go get your hands dirty under the hood of a car, go watch a
football game, make more money than me, and drink a beer! This isn't a
confession, I told you, and you started crying. For once, I'd love to
just be the woman in this relationship or find a real man who can make
me feel like one.
This one's not about my husband -- I confess that I never expected being a mom to be THIS kind of lonely. Am I the only one? You watch all those damned sitcoms, and all the moms are always out doing things with their girlfriends and having coffee and getting together and yacking and complaining about their kids. I feel like my kids have gotten this incredible loser mom because I don't have any friends -- not in my neighborhood, not at work, not with the other mothers at school, haven't really met anyone at church. I'm always amazed when you read a novel and the author thanks her THIRTY or FORTY 'best friends' for being so kind as to read her work, or when you pick up your college alumni magazine and there's a picture of Suzie Creamcheese celebrating her fortieth birthday at the surprise party her husband threw where he invited EIGHTY people. My own parents prefer my sister in law who's blonde and cute and really young and a cheerleader, my MIL
dislikes me, my husband is not warm and loving and most the time Hostess cupcakes are MY best friend. How do the rest of you do it? Why are you all so interesting that people call you up to ask you what you thought of Michelle Obama's dress? No one cares what I think about anything .
Honey, we got married 4-5 short months ago... and shortly there after, I regretted it. Your anger is tearing me apart, tearing us apart. If anyone ever heard you talk to me like the way you do, F*ck you this or F*ck you that... You're a stupid b*tch, blah blah blah, they would be astounded. It is horrible. You have no idea how many times I wonder, "why?" I've caught you many times in a lie seeing pictures on your cell phone from other women, your text messages, your pictures you send to people you find on craigslist, and your emails back and fourth to other people you find online. I've seen them, I know what's going on - you have a history, you've always been this way. You've never acted on those people that you're texting/emailing - as far as I know. You're too shy of a person do anything like that - I know this.
Just an FYI though; don't be alarmed if you come home to an empty house or your shit out in the yard. Farewell my friend, farewell. And, this past 4 years? Wasted.
PS: Every odd phone number I see on our cell phone bill from your phone, I call from my work number since it shows up private... guess what? All women. I've even added some email addresses to your spam filter. I also know all of your passwords to everything you have.
I know you recently went to the doctor for your anger, and you are now on medication which you blame me for. Shocking! You'll never ever take the blame. However you are trying to be nice again, and loving and thanking me for putting up with you and you said you talked to your dad today and your dad said, "You can't let the good ones go, you can't let her get away." And you came home from work and loved up all on me and said how much you loved me.
I know your love is there for me, but your sexual desires are still raging wild and your anger? I can't wait around forever. I made a mistake by getting married to you, however thank you for teaching me what real love really is... and it isn't you.
Your soon to be Ex-Wife