Monday, February 09, 2009

True Wife Confessions Zero Zero Niner

Confession #081

I hate that I'm always the one to get up in the middle of the night to see what the dogs are barking at. It's dark out there and we don't have any neighbors to jump in to save me while you're snoring away. You're the one with the fancy new hunting rifle and super-duper hunting skills, and I'm the one with the MagLite flashlight.
Who would you rather have protecting us in the dead of the night?

Confession #082

When you want to order pizza, I know that you ask me if I want anything from the store. If I say "Yes" then you will try to get me to call the order in AND pick it up. What's up with the food ordering phobia? I caught on to this about 12 years ago, so don't think that you're getting away with anything.

Confession #083

Why do you pretend like you have anything to do with Christmas cards? We ALL know that it is me who buys, addresses, writes, stamps and otherwise takes cares of the christmas cards - including the god damn holiday photo of child. When I hear you on the phone taking credit for these cards I want to pop you in the nose. I challenge you to even DESCRIBE what the cards look like this year... I thought not.

Confession #084

When you have to be alone with our child for any length of time, you always act incredibly put upon when I get home. Suck it up. The eye rolling and heavy breathing is not needed to impress upon me that she sucks the life force out of you. I GET it.

Confession #085

I always have an orgasm when I do it myself . I almost always fake it with you . You always start off so great but get too impatient . Then I just fake it to get it over with .

Confession #086

I know this is hypocritical, since I'm not lighting up the runways with my supermodel body, but since you've gained so much weight, I'm just not that attracted to you anymore.

Confession #087

Let's face it-- we both know I am much, much handier than you are with a hammer, a screwdriver, or a saw, but I bite my tongue and let you put together most of the new furniture and do random projects around the house because I know it hurts your manly pride to admit your wife is better with tools than you are. After you hung the curtains in the baby's room, I went and re-hung them so that they would hang straight, and spackled over the old holes long before you got home from work so you'd never know. And I also fixed our new headboard after you put the wrong screws in the frame

Confession #088

I am far more experienced in the art of providing oral sex than I have led you to believe.

Confession #089

I hate that you keep our house shut up like a tomb in the summer and run the a/c continually with out ever letting any fresh air in

Confession #090

I know that you used to give me liquor for every "event" like a birthday or Christmas, or valentines day, because the liquor store is on the drive home and you couldn't be bothered to buy anything ahead of time. Either that, or you were trying to drive me to alcoholism.

7 comments:

Loving Annie said...

I love the raw honesty of all of these confessions. As a single person of 50 years old, it's making me less eager for marriage, realizing it isn't all love and cuddles with no bumps in the road. I'm not so jealous anymore of what everyone has but me.

Kelly said...

#087...Omg! So true! lol! I often ask, "Lord, why did you bless me with these talented hands and not my dummy husband?" haha JK. I'm glad to know there's another woman out there like me!

Heywood said...

#082: ROFL! I used to have a food ordering phobia. You have to make him call every time for awhile to break him of it. Don't know what I was so worried about, calling the local pizza joint! Guess it's just one of those weird things. :-)

Anonymous said...

Only three comments, ladies? Jeez. These are the most amazing confessions I've read in a while, in any medium. They are not jawdropping admissions of cheating or anything salacious like that...nor do I need them to be. I just read them and remark, "Every marriage-minded straight man in his 20s and 30s needs to be subscribed to this blog!"

Anonymous said...

I love the raw honesty of all of these confessions. As a single person of 50 years old, it's making me less eager for marriage, realizing it isn't all love and cuddles with no bumps in the road.

Anonymous said...

I love the raw honesty of all of these confessions. As a single person of 50 years old, it's making me less eager for marriage, realizing it isn't all love and cuddles with no bumps in the road.

Anonymous said...

As a single person of 45 years old, it's making me less eager for marriage, realizing it isn't all love and cuddles with no bumps in the road. I'm not so jealous anymore of what everyone has but me.