Monday, September 01, 2008

True Wife Confessions 264 summer memories

Confession # 2631

Please fuck me. Please. I keep having sex dreams about our male friends and assorted celebrities and looking at the men at work and thinking things I don't want to be thinking. I want you. Just you. I don't know what is going on or why you don't seem interested. Nothing I do seems to help so I'm just about to give up. Everything else in our marriage is going well. It's just this one thing that is driving me crazy. It's been a month. Please Please Please. Please. Seriously. Dude. Have sex with your wife.

Confession # 2632

I love you and our daughter more than anyone in the world. The two of you are the only family I have. I would go to the ends of the earth for you, no matter what it took. But I'm not your first love - alcohol is. You are a functioning alcoholic, so that gives you an excuse to deny that you really need to quit. You refuse rehab or any other form of help, and I can't make you change. Your brother was an AA counselor before he died, and even he knew that he couldn't help you because you didn't want to quit. I know he was your best friend and that his death only further fueled your desire to drink. I know a lot of people have mistreated you in your life, and that you had to grow up very quickly. I know a lot of things haven't worked out like you wanted them to, and I'm sorry for that. I wish I could change things for you, but I can't. But my main objective now is for our daughter to have a good life. You're a great father when you're not drinking or recovering from a hangover. You're never physically abusive. But she sees you drunk two or three times a week, and you are often very short-tempered with her. And you are very critical of me and demeaning when you are drunk. She's only two, but she knows what's going on. She knows that all you do is drink and then sleep for days, that you never want to go anywhere or do anything. For three years I've made excuses as to why I should stay with you. I swore I was committed to you, no matter what. And I would have been. But I just can't put you before her. I'm scared she's going to think that all men are like you. I don't want her childhood to be this way. And I don't want my life to be this way. I want you to be happy and healthy, and to be with someone you truly love and want to marry. But now I know I'm not that person. I'm not going to wait any longer. I'm not going to jeopardize my daughter's childhood and mental well-being even though I love you deeply. My stomach is sick and my heart is sore and I can't stop shaking. I know I will constantly worry about whether or not you're alright, whether you're eating properly or have taken your medicine or have drank yourself to death. I know that our daughter will cry and ask for you, and that you will desperately miss her. I don't want to go. But it's over. You are my best friend and the love of my life. But it's over.

Confession # 2633
I haven't enjoyed sex this much with anyone, ever. We try so many different things, both of us "bounce" ideas off one another without judgment. That's the way it should be! We went to the park the other day, wandering, found a tree. A hidden tree. Next thing you know I find myself holding myself up, hanging from two tree limbs, legs wrapped around your waist, you are pumping me hard, kissing, sucking my tongue, my GOD could you get any more hotter? I mean if you do I think I would just implode!

Confession # 2634

I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown yesterday!

And you don't even know what you are doing to me....or you don't care.

I will no longer be passive to you. I love you too much to let this all fall apart with out you at least being aware of what you are doing. pushing me away from you more and more everyday with your attitude.

I love you more than life itself!! And it scares me to think about life without you but I cannot let you make me the miserable person that you have become.

I will stand up to you next time, and if it causes end of 13 years together, then maybe it's time!!

Confession # 2635

I asked if you were growing less and less attracted to me last night, in the dark. And you sighed painfully and said, "I love you." So that was my answer.

I'm an ugly cow. I know it. My fat gut hangs over my waistband and my face looks like an ugly, scowly potato. That's not your fault. It's not your fault you don't want to make love to me.

But I do blame you, right or wrong, that I can't feel safe putting my future in your hands, wagering me and the baby's security and comfort on you being able to get a better job that you so blithely insist you'll achieve in a year or two. This one doesn't support us. I mean, it could. Families can live on $1800 a month. But we are only able to have the things we have, like our little house, because of my inheritance.

I know I eat out too much and it wastes money. But that is the only thing I spend on. That is my comfort, improper as it may be. All me and the baby's clothes, almost all her toys, are from Goodwill. I haven't bought a book or something because it just pleased me in years. No, I did buy that half-off body wash. I thought maybe I could start feeling prettier by doing little things. You got mad. "This is why we can't get ahead!" you said. My car is 12 years old and it is my car, yours broke down and you were frightened to fix it.

It's my money, too. From my own account.

I don't have faith that you will achieve and follow through. Because you haven't done any version of that, not really, in the ten years I've known you. Any sentence you start with, "I'm gonna..." I must disregard. Because you won't. Whether it's feed the cat or make a friend or become a nurse or go to law school. You won't do anything you're not forced to do or shamed into doing. I'm so tired of forcing. I feel so dead and sad when the hope that maybe this time you will has to be smashed.

I'm going to have to get a job and take care of us. That wasn't the deal when we got married, but tough. I was wrong about you. You were pretending and I was eating it up. If I want something, I'm responsible for making it happen. I can't keep blaming you.

I love you. I love you because you are kind and seldom add to my hurting. Because you are smart and interesting. I hate myself endlessly more than I even dislike you. You are a good man who is very damaged.

I don't know what to do now. I'm so sad and worried. I don't know how to succeed by myself with a baby under my arm. I'm such a fuck up. I'm on my own.

Please don't ever find this.

Confession # 2636

I want to know how all the "other" people do it. They stay home with their children, are off shopping, eating out, and spending money all the time. Their husbands work at jobs that pay the same or less. Yet here we are, you working overtime so that I can work only 1 day a week and be home with the girls. But since we did that, every penny has to be counted, stretched, and figured out. I spend so much time agonizing over the bills. Trying to figure them out so that everything is payed and we still have a tad left over to live on. And enough for whatever you might buy along the week. Because you feel you "deserve it" because you work so much. And you do deserve it. But we don't have it. We make about 80K a year, have minimal bills, much less than our friends, yet it seems like we are on the verge of going under and everyone else is fine. I would love to see their checkbooks. I would love it if they were in debt up to their eyeballs. Thats so mean of me, but its true. I hope all those perfect moms with perfect outfits going to gymboree to buy their perfect kid clothes are drowning in debt.

Confession # 2637

When we ended it, I was so relieved I thought I would cry with happiness. I waited until you left to let it out. I do not regret for one minute that this shitty marriage is ending. I am scared for our son though. You are a mean sonofabitch to him and I fear we will have words in the future over how you treat him. He is too sweet and too precious for you to break him with your fucked up ways.

Confession # 2638

I said no too. I screamed and cried no. I cried and I cried and I cried and I fought, and he just kept on. But it doesn't matter, because I stayed with him for years afterwards. So it must have not been that bad right? I think a part of my soul died in that moment and the rest of it died when I stayed, but I stayed, so it doesn't matter. I left now, but I can't ever get back that part of me that died. It doesn't fucking matter that I stayed! It doesn't make it hurt any less that he was my boyfriend and the father of my children. none of that changes the years of panic attacks, anxiety, and mental hell I've been through because of what he did to me. but I did stay, so no one cares. It's not a real rape if he's your boyfriend and your childrens father. It's not a real rape if you stay, for years. If I was going to feel this pain, I'd rather a stranger had done it. At least then I would have the love and support of my family and friends. I want to have what he took from me back, and I never will. I shit you not, he raped me after I told him I didn't want to have sex because I had been having nightmares and struggling about being molested as a child. I wanted a hug...I wanted a "it'll be okay"...I wanted someone to make me feel human again and not the disgusting piece of shit I felt like....and instead I was raped. And in that moment, I learned that I wasn't even strong enough to protect myself as an adult. when I was a kid, i had no an adult, I let it happen. I didn't stop it. I didn't fight hard enough. I didn't yell for help. I didn't do anything but lay there and die. I hate myself for that. I hate myself for that, and I hate myself for staying. I left, but god that shit hurts, all these years later.

Confession # 2639

OMG I hate you!!!!! Why won't you stop moving and look me in the eye? Are you still cheating? Do you hate yourself, or me, that much, that you find fault in everyone and everything else? I am ready to call it quits. I can honestly say, going home alone without the kids for a few days is stressing me out!! Stop moving and look at me......

Confession # 2640

I say I love you, and I do...what I don't tell you is I am no longer in love with you. I have never cheated on you but I can't say the thought hasn't been there. Our sex life is a joke. No matter how much I try to tell you what feels good and what doesn't, you don't pay attention and do the exact same things every time. I get more pleasure when it is just me and my toys. The only reason I haven't left you is there's no way I can financially. As soon as I am able to finish school and get a good job, I am gone unless there have been major changes. No more putting up with your passive-aggressive shit and thinking the only thing you have to do to show you love me is tell me 10 billion times a day. Haven't you heard actions speak louder than words?? Get off your ass, get a job and take some of the pressure off me. Quit taking me for granted. The fact you do laundry is wonderful...however that fact alone is not a marriage saver.


Anonymous said...

#2638: Rape is rape. Being a boyfriend or husband doesn't stop what the word no means. Staying doesn't erase the fact it was rape. No matter what anyone else says or thinks, it was rape. The panic attacks and anxiety and flashbacks are all signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have been are not alone...never alone.

Anonymous said...

#2636---We are.

Anonymous said...

#2636 We make a nice living, too and still have no money to do anything. We are just floating, too. I see my friends doing vacations, kids playing sports, and the daughters in the best clothes, and my hubby and I make more money than most of them, too. Trust me they are in debt but just want to keep up appeareances. I have to trust if we keep on keeping on, it will pay off in the end. Good luck, you are not alone.
I belong to a recycle group in my home town, which is a great way to upgrade or to find things you may need. Also, check into the school and see what they may offer for free as after school time for the kids. It helps to stay in the loop.

Anonymous said...

My Brother and Sister-in-law are living way beyond their means and are in so much debt neither can sleep at night, but both continue to spend. And they're in their 40's. Stupid.

You just keep doing the right thing and pay no attention to the Jones's. In the end, you win. You'll own your home and have money to send the kids to college. That's what's important--not a new outfit each week.

Stay strong!

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way. We make about the same as you, and I feel like we are barely hanging on as well. Sometimes I feel like we have failed because we make good money, but don't have it to "keep up with the Jones." Thank you so much - It's nice to know there are other people in the same situation!

Anonymous said...

Dollars to doughnuts he likes you feeling ugly and incompetent because it makes him feel stronger than SOMEONE. I would not expect that to be conscious on his part, I think it's normal, I don't think it means he's a special kind of asshole. But I bet if you got a decent job and/or lost some weight, or whatever improvements you might make, he'd start punishing you.

Um, advice? I guess, be ready for it, make the improvements anyway, DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR THEM, and if you feel strong & generous, maybe (maybe this is codependent, too, IDK) try to show him how scary it actually isn't.

But definitely start with yourself, baby steps. Do something like a little exercise program, maybe a short-term job - something insultingly easy and with an end date, so you know when you "have accomplished" your goal. It'll help.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry if this is unwanted advice, but... from the way you asked your husband that question, it sounds like you have very low self-esteem about your appearance. And from his response, it seems your husband knows it, and didn't want to hurt you. It may not be your physical aspect that's putting him off now, but rather your lack of belief in your own beauty, if that makes any sense.

I also have to admit that eating out really does cost a lot of money; even $2 for 5 meals per week is $40 a month, which could theoretically have paid a phone bill. Maybe you and your husband should sit down with all the bills, break it down, and see where all the money is currently going. Identify problem areas (ie, things that are costing a lot of money, but aren't necessary) and areas where you would like to have more money to spend, and basically work out a budget together, allocating an agreed amount each month for each of your own "luxury" expenses. (Ex - buying a new body wash) Hopefully this may help manage your combined finances more effectively, and he won't be able to play the financial blame game because he'll understand where every penny is going.

If you really want to pick up a book for pleasure, there's always the local library :) So no need to deny yourself that little pleasure of a fresh book (or six) every week.

I wish you the best of luck in your job hunt; hopefully you will be able to find something which allows you to work from home, or which permits you to eat out more often for free (food critic?) And don't be afraid to turn to your husband for help - let him know that you want to find a job, and ask how his coworkers' spouses handle this child / work balance. Maybe he (or they) could provide other job ideas, in addition to anything you may find on your own.

Take care, and hope you will soon attain a little more happiness :)

Anonymous said...

In our neighborhood, all the people whose kids were wearing Gymboree are now going through foreclosure. Our one indulgence is music lessons for the kids, all our clothes come from Target -- and I, too, used to be mystified by those people who went on cruises, who went skiing, who had a favorite restaurant. The family that took multiple Disney cruises in the last five years is about to lose their house. They're moving in with her parents. I'm know that you're not supposed to feel good about that, but sometimes it's nice to know that it's not like everybody else has a money tree in their backyard or something . . .

Anonymous said...

thank you heather. Somehow, someway, I will find a way to healing from this. I just have to resist the urge to just sweep it under the rug because it's easier at the moment, only to have it rear its ugly head when I least expect it. It just hurts. Thank you again for your kind words.

Anonymous said...

# 2636
Hehe! You're post just made me laugh! I've been a stay at home mom for 16 years and we have 5 kids. Those fancy designer clothes you see them wearing are from the resale shop! Some mom with loads of money bought them and her kids wore them first. Since they are still in good condition mine get to have them next. And when I'm real lucky we get them for free!! Because someone was to lazy to have a garage sale or take them to the resale shop. Oh how I love for free!! Oh and btw my husband makes less the $36g a year. And we're not up to debt to our eyeballs. Or toes for that matter! The only way to live this way is to do it smartly!