Tuesday, September 23, 2008

True Wife Confession # 267 Infusions

Confession #2661

I hate your mother and I know that you cannot stand mine. Every time I think of your mother I get a scowl on my face. I don’t think that I have disliked anyone as much as I dislike her. She is passive-aggressive, demeaning and just plain shitty. Get her out of my life. I would be happier with you if it were not for her. You are weak when it comes to her, cut the fing strings already! She is not your wife! I am! Can’t you see that? Would you be happier if I took the kids and left, so that way the two of you could like in bliss without me in the way? Most of the time I think so.

Confession #2662

Major confession: I've faked every single orgasm since we started having sex. It's not that you aren't a good lover, but you go too fast and expect me to respond very quickly. It's just easier to fake it rather than trying to give you direction and slow you down. Second confession: I wish you'd just slow down so I could relax and enjoy it.


Confession #2663

I know I said I hated you. I really don't. I have come home because I missed you. The being of you, the smile you have for me and yes, even to watch you sleeep. I wanted the space, to see you on weekends, and you gave it to me. Maybe we really are meant to be....
Love Me

Confession #2664

I leave my car unlocked. No one is ever going to steal it. I have lots of
crap to carry out to the car in the morning, and when I get to the car and
the doors are locked, I know that there is only one reason. You have locked
them. Now I have to lug all that crap back into the house, find my keys, go
out to the car, unlock the doors, go back inside, pick up all the crap, and
walk back out to the car.

STOP LOCKING MY FUCKING CAR DOORS!!!!

Confession #2665

What a mess. A horrible, horrible mess I am in.

I am barely hanging on by my fingernails to my sanity. Sometimes a mere word or thought misplaced sends tears to my eyes. It's frustrating to me how easily I cry now, because I was always the strong one who would never let anyone see my tears fall. Why?

I don't think I'm good enough. I keep getting comments from everyone to "keep reading" when I have barely enough time to sleep. I failed Step 3 and now have to pay another hefty >$700 to take it again. I hope to goodness that I pass.

My family won't help me. After 6 months they finally begged to have the baby over for a week, only to end up asking us to take her back because they couldn't handle her for two days. Two days!! And people wonder why I don't talk to them.

I'm broke. To the point where I can't even buy new shoes even though my clogs are full of holes. And I'm married to a man who doesn't make half of what I do. And then he complains about having two days off a week but not having any time for himself while I work a full schedule plus every 4th night >24h call. On top of that I don't even sleep in the same bed as him for crying out loud. But I'm not even physically attracted to him anymore because he refuses to take care of himself, and then he complains about being sick all the time. I'm a surgeon, damnit, I can't cure diabetes with my magic fingers! I don't know what I am doing with him.

I am head-over-heels in love with someone who doesn't love me back. I think he's gotten what he wanted from me and now he's done. And what he doesn't know is that if he wanted, if he only asked once, I would have given up literally everything just to be with him. Whoever said that lovers can't be friends was right, because every time I even hear his voice, every time I even catch a glimpse of him, and even after all that I've been through with him, I wish all over again that he were mine. He is a brilliant, gorgeous, intelligent man who knows exactly how to make me feel good in so many, many ways, and I hate the thought that I've had a taste of that and can never have it ever again.

All of this is literally driving me insane and I don't know how much longer I can bear it. Every night I cry myself to sleep. It's a miracle I wake up every morning because I go to bed wishing that I would die, just never wake up ever again just so I wouldn't have to bear all of this misery.


Confession #2666

I'm tired enough of feeling hurt all the time, hanging on the hope that you might be sexually interested in me, but finding that even when you promise to work on it, it never lasts for very long. On some level I'm glad I told you no more sex. Ar least I can let the hope die, and when yet another week or month goes by without so much as a flicker of interest, I can pretend that it's because you respect my wishes.

Deep down I'm crushed that you didn't argue with me at all. Just, ok, if it's what you have to do. Like you don't care at all. I recognize some of this is your depression talking, and I am glad you're getting help. But what I really want, more than the sex itself, is to feel like you give a shit about me as a woman, that I am more to you than a best friend and housemate. Remember how I was beyond happy the last time you seemed to want me? Clearly it didn't make an impression.

You're wonderful in every other way, and I adore you in spite of all this mess. I just wish there were a way to bottle that fleeting connection we occasionally find in the bedroom, so I could feel that closeness with you more than once in a blue moon. But I can't have that, so I am walling myself off. I hope I remember how to live in a sexless relationship.

Confession #2667

Stop acting so put out and put upon about my finally FORCING you to get rid of your ex-wife's personalized license plate from YOUR car by refusing to ride in it anymore! Only 19 months after I first started asking you to! It's NOT THAT HARD!!!

Confession #2668

I think I'm finally getting through to you! When you remain absolutely silent during sex it feels like a gynecological exam. You talk during initial foreplay, but once it gets serious I get no feedback at all. It's ain't sexy. It ain't fun. Staring at me with your hand on my clit actually turns me off, like I'm some sort of safe you have to crack before you can poke me. Pumping away until you come with a silent shudder is a little creepy. Clear and simple, it turns me on to hear you moan and breathe heavy. It feels like we're making love, connecting as a couple. I finally got what I asked for last night and the orgasm was mind blowing. I had begun to have doubts, but we may make it as a couple after all.

Next lesson in your sexual education: stop saying "you're so wet!" like I'm a dirty whore.

Kisses,
Your girlfriend

Confession #2669

Wow. I kind of can’t believe you forgot to get me a gift/take me to dinner/make me a freaking card for my birthday. You’ve NEVER done anything like this before, and so as angry and hurt as I am, I feel like I should just get over it because, hey, it could be worse. But STILL.


Confession #2670

I don't dislike you. I think you are a very decent and kind human being. You are a great father. We drifted apart and I worry that nothing can bring us back together. I don't love you anymore. I don't respect your political or religious beliefs. You don't stimulate me intellectually or physically. You are so fucking uptight and boring that I would rather wax my bikini line than spend an evening talking to you. I stay with you because I think it's good for the kids while they are young. I feel bad for you. I feel bad that you aren't any fun and don't seem to have any fun. I feel bad that you seem to still be in love with me. I feel bad that you are trying so hard to make me love you again but that I am in love with another man.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

#2666, it's as if you expressed the words that I long to tell my man right now.

I posted previously, as #2070 and let me tell you that after ALL these months, nothing changed, in fact he's gotten defensive and I feel like it's an endless battle. I'm ready to leave.

Anonymous said...

#2665--Hang in there Sweetie.

Anonymous said...

#2665 Hugs to you. Residency is hard. I don't follow the whole "I had to go through it, so you have to go through it." idea. How does exhausting you make you a better doctor?

Anonymous said...

#2670- maybe you should have tried to work things out with your husband BEFORE you started caring for another man. When you knew you were feeling weird, you should have talked to HIM. Adding someone else into the mix gives your marriage NO SHOT whatsoever, and it's not fair. You should value your vows and the love you must have once had for your husband and try to work on things before fleeing into the arms of another man.

Khali said...

#2670

"staying together for the kids" in my experience, isn't all it's cracked up to be. Think of the behaviour you will unwittingly teach them. The way you treat your partner affects how they will assume a partnership works. Remember that they don't have all the cards, and you are their role models.

Anonymous said...

#2670
I could have written this word for word. You are living my exact life. I am in love with another man also, and it's getting hard and harder every day to stay (for the kids). We both have a rough road ahead.

Anonymous said...

I too am in love with another man. I was 'content' in my marriage. I love my husband but I'm not in love with him. He is a good father and trying to be a good husband. But I am head over heels in love with another man in a way that I have never loved my husband. I'm trying to save my marriage, but I just don't know how.

Anonymous said...

ROFL @ 2668!! Tooo funny!