Monday, July 14, 2008

True Wife Confessions 262 pyrrhic victories

Confession #2611

Last night my hubs and I were bringing the laptop into our room so we could watch a "movie" and eat some homemade ice cream. Trying to make it a little more interesting, I put on my sexiest bra and tank-top. When he walked in the room and saw me with my boobs busting out he said, "woah, I thought we were going to watch a movie?"
Guess what the movie was....a frontline documentary on the war....

I didn't want lovin' right then, I was thinking maybe after the "movie." Or perhaps by some SMALL chance he might find me attractive for once and want me more then frontline. I just wanted to be noticed. I stayed in the skimpies long enough to eat my ice cream, but when he didn't look at me the whole time, I changed out and covered up.

He asked, "you changed?" -duh- I was feeling sexy, but that feeling came crashing down when it was apparent you wanted to watch about the war more then you wanted me. I wonder how long it will take me to feel like loving again this time.... and you wonder why I have a hard time initiating sex. you never want it!!!

Confession #2612

I've known you for what feels like my entire life. First we were friends, then we fell out of touch, then we fell in love. We've only been together two years. We've been living together for a year, and we just got a new place. Everything is so perfect, I somehow love you more every day. I feel so blessed to have you in my life. You are my best friend, my support, my soul mate. My family and friends think you are perfect. We've talked about marriage and how you know I am the one and someday we will be married and have children. But I feel guilty, because everyday I get more anxious and grow more tired of people asking me "When will you two get married?" "Has he proposed?" "Wait, you moved in with him without a ring?". Instead of enjoying our relationship, I agonize over this stupid proposal and all the white noise. I need to remember that our relationship is wonderful the way it is, and I don't need a ring to prove to myself or anyone else that you and I will be together for the rest of our lives. We'll get there when we get there.

Confession #2613

Two years ago I allowed my dear, sweet, almost perfect husband to sleep with ( well, fuck, really) my cousin. This was my idea and I asked them separately if they would be interested. She was going through a very bad time in her life and needed to feel sexually attractive as well as sexually satisfied. She is a beautiful woman who does not sleep around, and her husband was ignoring her. I love them both so much and trust them both so much. I have never looked back on my decision and my cousin and I are as close as we have ever been. I would never stand for my husband cheating on me but this seemed like something different to me; it was me helping my beloved cousin. We've never skipped a beat since then, and we've never talked about it. It kinda felt like I lent her a really good mechanic, as strange as that may sound. It feels really grown up, to know that I can give my sweet cousin ANYTHING I can to help her and not feel like it has taken anything away from me. And also that my husband can do the same; they are the friends they have always been. This may seem strange to some, but this worked in my family

Confession #2614

Your aunt is the biggest bitch! There I said it. She sent me the nastiest email the other day, implying that I wasn’t grateful enough for the present that #### had made for #####, I said thank you and made sure everyone knew….what the fuck else am I supposed to do…..naked jumping jacks! No one can stand her, everyone talks behind her back about what a mean spirited bitch she is…..and you always think its #### fault for instigating it, well guess what, for once ### is completely innocent. Nothing is ever good enough for your aunt, nothing. And she seems to have absolutely no clue that words can hurt people’s feelings and make them dislike you. I wonder if she even knows that other people have FEELINGS.! She is just bitter. I really think she doesn’t have enough love in her life, she never had children, I think that would have made all the difference, because I know she wanted them but couldn’t and choose not to adopt. I work with a woman that is the same way, she had the desire for bio children and couldn’t, and now that she is in her 50’s she is bitter and mean. I am sick of pretending that I either like or don’t mind spending time with her, cause I don’t even wanna be on the same planet with her.

But the rest of your family I totally love, they are the greatest bunch of people and I’m happy to call them my family! They sure beat the last bunch of in laws I had, my ex-mil would pretend that she didn’t know who I was when I would call her. And my ex-sil told me once that 10 years in the future I would be fat sitting on the coach with no job and a bunch of brats running around me and she would have some great job being a news reporter. Well guess how that turned out, yep, she dropped out of journalism school due to a pregnancy and now sits around the house with a bunch of kids, and I have a wonderful husband, child and a great high paying job. So there bitch, fuck you! HA.

Confession #2615

How sad is it that I was looking forward to going to a funeral just so I could see my ex-co-worker? Since I left that office I think of him more than I think of my husband.

Confession #2616

My sweet angel,

You are the perfect man. I am the luckiest person to have you in my life. I think anyone who doesn't get you or felt the need to leave you behind just doesn't get it. They just don't understand you. And they don't deserve you.

You have a beautiful mind, and heart. I adore you. I can't wait to grow old with you and be next to you every day. I want to have kids with you and a house. YOu make me so happy. I love that I can communicate with you just using my mind. And that I feel the things that you feel, no matter how that is. I love to be with you, no mater how either of us are doing. It's just comforting to know that I have you and you have me.

I love seeing your beautiful face. I love to see you sleep, smile and just look at me. I love the way that you look at me. It gives me butterflies. You have the most beautiful expressive eyes. the most gorgeous, sweet happy smile. I can't tell you how good it feels to touch you or be touched by you. Most of the time, I can't keep my hands off of you. Just seeing a naked body part of yours turns me on. Hell, just being close to you turns me on. I just want to be together with you every minute.

You are everything I could ever imagine wanting in a partner. You are loving, sweet, beautiful, caring. You are amazing. Every minute, I can't wait until the next minute that I can spend with you and touch you and love you.

I hope that we are this in love forever. You are the best thing in the world. Thank you for being my amazing husband. I love you.

Confession #2617

I confess I don't want to be here. After last year and hearing that you 'still loved me, but weren't IN love with me.' I didn't know what to do with myself. It hurt more than I had ever hurt before. I couldn't imagine how anyone could say that to someone. How can you just let something so special get away from you? You never told me you were unhappy or there were things that needed to change. It was just BAM. But, we talked, you said you wanted to be here, we worked on it. We worked hard. At first, it was just me. I felt like a love sick teenager, but i wanted our connection back.

NOW IT'S MY TURN. You took and took and took. You are back to the person that 'fell out of love in the first place. There's no wonder. You 'said' it was because I was being mean. Well, now that I have been watching things closely, I see how it goes. You are completely retarded socially, emotionally. Right near psychotic. If you don't agree with why I am upset or what my need is, then it doesn't exist.

I don't know how much more I can handle. I have tried to teach you how society does things for each other. How not to put too much on yourself. We've talked and talked about what our needs are. I've got to the point where I don't care. I am just angry now. It's been 11 years.

LISTEN. DO SOMETHING. Stop making up excuses. Stop being so lazy. MAKE ME A PRIORITY.

I don't fuss, bitch or anything. We do things your way now. Take your stupid mid day naps. Leave me alone with our kid. We don't mind each other. We just wish you liked us enough to spend that time with us...but NO. It's too hot, or too cold, or too slow, or too....


Confession #2618

I never use to be the jealous type until I met and fell head over heels in love with you. I'm not even sure why I'm now the jealous type. I am very confident with myself so that is not the issue, hell I just did a commercial and training video for a national wide company. I have game - at least I think I do anyway...

I do trust you fully...however, I do not trust the girls that approach you always asking you where I am, are we still together - if she's not treating you right you know where to find me.

They know the only time I'm not out is when my little boy is with me for the weekend and I refuse to get a sitter unlike them - who could care less where their kids are. They don't care though they still approach you even when I am with you for the night - even though we can be out but not joined at your hip for the night.

WTF is that all about? - We've been dating and living together for over 2 years. All you girls see is a good looking guy who has a great job.

So go ahead beotches - keep looking because that's all you'll be doing!

Confession #2619

After my husband and I were married, his uncle (who loves to dig into family history) informed us that we were distantly related - 5th cousins. It has been a nightmare lurking in the back of my mind ever since. His family thinks it's a huge joke and often will bring it up when discussing family skeletons in the closets. We live in a place where this isn't too uncommon but every once and awhile I will dredge up this horrible secret and it just makes me feel sick. There is no way we could have known this information unless we had researched our family trees beforehand. I sometimes wonder what we would have done had we known before we got married. I always try to talk myself out of feeling horrified by it, but it sometimes makes me cringe. I worry that we get along so well because we have similar genes or something like that. I have never been able to talk about it with anyone. Our first daughter was born with disabilities and although we have gone through countless genetic tests with her and the specialists have all been unconcerned with our related status, I still have this paralyzing fear that her disabilities are because of it. Our second daughter was born with no disabilities but this fear is just lurking below the surface.

Confession #2620

I have to be stand up, all the time. I do everything all the time, but not by choice. I didn't want to be the wife of a traveling soldier, I wanted to be your wife. Thats it, so the other day when I was tearing the carburetor of the lawn mower apart, as instructed by my dad over the phone, I really really just wanted you to be home. Not because you know how to do it correctly, cause you don't- its why you don't do home repairs, but just because you would of been sitting on the ground with me agreeing that the part I shouldn't of pulled off- was probably a fuel line.
Or today when friends took our monkey for a play date then asked if they could keep her over night, I could hear her giggling in the back ground and I know they'll treat her well. But now I'm sitting here by myself at 130 in the morning wondering if the fact that I didn't pack her night time cuddle toys is good enough an excuse to get her right now.
There is stuff I could cuss you about, but thats life. Its not a movie and I don't want it to be, cause its all the bad stuff that makes you better then everyone else. Its why I stand beside your choice to let this be your career path, even if we're only really together every other year. I hate to say it, but I don't think that most men could be half the father and husband you are when you aren't in the country and thats pretty sad for them. Just right now, I wish you were home. I wish that the world was more stable and maybe you weren't such a stand up guy. I know that you are really worried about making sure we're taken care of and I don't think anyone would sacrifice themselves as much as you do to make sure that your family is taken care of.
I just wish you were home, I don't have anyone to talk to about the things I talk to you about. I feel like I have to edit myself for my friends because I know if I could talk to them as openly as I do you, I would lose half of them. But I can't say any of this to them, or you. Cause you all depend on me. They all complain about their trivial things and I know in their lives it is important stuff, just to me its like, "you're still breathing, your husband is in your bed," and I can't say that. And I can't tell you that today I wanted to fly monkey to her grand parents and take the rest of the month off and just sell the house and be free for a bit. I know that this is all trivial to you, it has to be, think of where you are. Its why I can't say it. Its why I can't sleep. Its why I want to cry but don't. No, I never wanted to be the wife of a soldier, I just wanted to be your wife.


Anonymous said...


I'm sorry your husband is deployed. But I thank God for the men and women who chose this for their careers (my husband has as well). I know he misses you and your monkey more than anything. Thank you so much for your sacrifices. Stay strong.

Anonymous said...

2620 Thank you. I am sure it is hard to not have your hubby there. I ha mine home at night, but he isnt' here. He is lost in his depression. This place is a great place to come and let yourself vent. I am sure he is strong enough to handle how you feel, too. Anyway, thank you

Desmond Jones said...

2619 - In most states, it's legal for 3rd cousins to marry.

5th cousins means that 1/128th of your DNA came from a common source; you probably have more than a thousand 5th cousins, and you don't know who any of them are, except your husband. It's NO BIG DEAL, and certainly nothing to feel ashamed of.

Anonymous said...

desmond - I've been checking this blog all day to see if anyone had anything to say about my worries - thanks for your reassurance.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Desmond. This world was founded by related people all day long.5th is out there. And you didn't know. Your children will be who they are, not becasue of what you have done, but what you have to offer them in the future. Take care.

Desmond Jones said...

Glad you found my comment reassuring. Just to reinforce the idea, if you're 5th cousins, then your common ancestor probably lived more than 200 years ago.

Anonymous said...

#2619 When my husband and I went to get out marriage certificate we were asked if we were related. We both kind of blanched and looked at her like huh? She said that it is legal for FIRST cousins to marry in our state, which is bad. I don't even know who my THIRD cousins are, but if I ended up married to one, I don't think it would bother me. It is not like you were raised as cousins, you know? I would not worry at all about being fifth cousins, it is not a big deal. Everyone, somehow, is related. You know?

Dawn said...

2619 -

A bunch of this issue is a Very Western world taboo - In many other cultures, cousins marry as a general rule.

It is only when you see generations of inbreeding, which then self select certain traits due to the limitations of the gene pool (think the Russian Romanov hemophilia trait) that this becomes a true problem.

In fact, the genetic studies done world wide are showing that modern humans have one common female ancestor...lovingly called Eve, who came from the African continent.

We are a robust species and I doubt that unless you and your husband both happen to be carriers of a specific familiar genetic trait, it is unlikely that your distant relation had anything to do with your first daughter's disabilities.

My husband and I share no common immediate ancestor ( to our knowledge) - he from Creole African Americans and I from German, Scot and Irish Farmers with a Native American Great Grandmother...and our daughter has some diagnosed disabilities.

This is nothing to beat yourself up about.

Anonymous said...

I didn't want to comment first when I checked the site this morning because I have no back ground in anthropology, but I wanted to tell 2619 that pretty much, if you go back far enough, we're all related, aren't we? Thanks, Des, for making her feel better. And for the edification, very interesting.

Anonymous said...

2620: I want to thank YOU for serving our country. My eyes are welling with tears as I write this. I know what your feeling-- but I handled it like a coward and YOU are standing, functioning,braving it all inside rather than complaining. YOU are a hero just as sure as your brave husband. Take care of Monkey and yourself and be very proud of doing the horrible task alone. And know that it is temporary; he will come home to you both.

I'm not sure, but I think it was Milton who said "They also serve, those who stand and wait".

My thanks to you for your sacrifice.

Anonymous said...

2619--My aunt and uncle are second cousins, and were actually raised in the same area and as relatives. It has always seemed strange to me, particularly as the relation was always known, but their son is in great health, and they seem happy, so to each his own, I suppose.

Anonymous said...

2612 & 2613,
It is great that you have understand what works for you and your loved ones. Others should mind their own business.

Anonymous said...

#2613 OMG are you really serious? No cousin of mine could ever be so sweet to do that favour.Something tells me there is more to this situation.Maybe a little guilty give and take on your behalf..?How is your relationship with your husband?To that matter of fact her husband?

Anonymous said...

2613 - Really? You're so ok with this that you feel the need to confess? Oh, it's not a confession you say, just a private assurance that when all parties involved are ok with something that makes it ok and you can't confide in others because they obviously wouldn't understand. OK. I'm glad you would never stand for your husband cheating on you. Did you give him permission to take pleasure in this fuck too or was it purely putting his tool to good use? What exactly is your definition of cheating? It's not ok to look at the answers on my test paper without my knowledge, but if I agree to it in advance that makes it ok? Who is being cheated in that scenario? I think you are sensing that you know the answer, and that is really your confession... you have this nagging feeling that you have been used--taken advantage of by these two and you have let them get away with it scott-free because it was your idea originally. I'm sweet too, and have a good sob story about my lack of sex life. After you get to know me, can I fuck your husband too? Keep telling yourself that you have 'never looked back on' your decision. Only that kind of resolve can continue to shield you from the more painful truth.

Anonymous said...

for some people, whoopee can never be casual. 9:22am is one of those. I, for one, am in agreement with you. Its only a big deal when whoopee is a big deal. I would have no problem with my wife playing the same role.

Anonymous said...

2611, I feel your pain. My husband seems disinterested in s.e.x., as well. What gives? I'm a runner and am definitely in good shape - although I have had tow kids - but I just never thought I would encounter a *man* who didn't want sex. Make me question his sexuality, frankly.

omnia_vincit_amor said...

2611: You need to talk this over with him, and be more vocal about wanting sex when you want it. Close the laptop and jump on top of him, tell him no movie just yet.

Or, negotiate and see if he wants a post-show show. You have to talk about this stuff if you want it to get resolved. Maybe spending time watching a movie with you is what gets him in the mood, because he likes to be around you. But I don't know, because I am not him.

Talk about this. See if he'll schedule it in. If he doesn't want to schedule it, then make it a point to let him know when you're in the mood.

If your moods really differ that much, get a vibrator and satisfy yourself when he isn't in the mood, but insist on a good compromise, like 1-3 times a week, whatever he can muster up.

Relationships are work, and relations in a long-term relationship take compromise and patience.

Best of luck!

Anonymous said...

I'm 2613, I posted the "confession" because I like this site and I know that Dawn needs contributions to keep it going. I also know it's kinda unique, so I posted it. To answer some questions: My husband and I are great, she is divorcing her husband (I like him, they just don't fit and never have). Of COURSE he got pleasure from it, he's having sex, isn't he? I consider him to be cheating if he goes out and as sex with someone, same definition as you. Like I said, it was my idea, he did it for my cousin, both enjoyed it, no big deal. I know these people and their hearts and heads better than anyone and vice versa. And no, you cannot fuck my husband even though I'm sure you are a very nice person!!

11:34 gets it: this is just not a big deal, it's just sex, not lovemaking.


Anonymous said...

2619 - Want to hear something funny? My maternal grandparents were FIRST cousins. They came to America separately from England, my grandfather when he was 7 and my grandmother when she was about 19. They had never met. Well, they did meet, and they fell in love and got married. My grandmother also kept this like a horrible secret, my mom didn't even know her parents were cousins until she was 30!

Anyway, point is, we're all fine, my mother and her brother are fine, my brother and I are fine, it's all good. Now that my grandmother is gone (she was born in 1902!) it's a family joke. But really, 5th cousins? You don't have anything to worry about. :)

ms. bliss said...


My heart felt every word you wrote. It was how I felt the last few years of my marriage. If this man is who you want to be with, then you go and fight for him and what you need for him. Only you know his worth to you. If he is not worth it, then honey, liberate yourself! Life is too sweet to be bitter.

Anonymous said...

2619-Cousin marriage grosses me out too, but in my extended family it's pretty popular. My cousin married her mom's cousins son, and her daughter is actually a genius. Like she is in kindergarten and reading chapter books. So no defects there. Another positive thing is that she has a great relationship with her MIL, because she is her mother's cousin. It sounds complicated and gross..but it really isn't and the rate of defects for *first* cousins is the same as for age 35+ women (and no one is telling them to stop reproducing). So as a FIFTH cousin, you have nothing to worry about

Anonymous said...

Hmm, I was searching for something not really related (...not intended), and I got a hit for the story about the woman who agonizes over her distant relation to her husband. I am sure that marriage between 5th cousins or lower is fairly common, particularly in smaller communities. I work in biostats, and the amount of genetic material that you would share from a single 5th cousin link is so small, you really shouldn't worry about it. If I found out the same thing, I wouldn't even blink my eyes to it! Good luck!