Monday, April 14, 2008

True Wife Confessions 247 Twenty Four Seven

Confession #2461

Why did I leave?

God, you're still asking this question though I've told you over and over. Yes, I left and started dating him. But really he was just a freaking bonus. I left because I should of left years ago. I left because even after being told the drugs could kill you, you would still do them occasionally. I left because the only way we could deal with each other was if you were smoking pot. I left because you spent $600 a month on pot. I left because we were angry a each other all the time. I left because you could go out when ever you wanted but if I wanted to go out it was a huge imposition to "babysit" our daughter. Don't even get me started on that idiocy. I left because the day I told you I was pregnant, part of you seemed to die. I left you because you slept with that woman the night before we got married. I left because I put you first for 10 years and I was always second to your partying, and you hated being put second to our daughter. I let because you were out every weekend when she was first born and acted jealously towards her. I left because you don't like doing crafts with her because it's not your thing or that going for a walk with her is annoying because she wants to stop and look at things. I left because I didn't want my daughter to see her mother being miserable "for the sake of the children" like my mother did.

I left because I didn't want to end up hating you. And despite all of that I still love you.
I just really don't want to live with you.

Confession #2462

I pretended I hadn't said "No, please stop" so that I wouldn't have to admit it was rape.

I forgive you.

Confession #2463

You are the bane of my existence lately. Our eyes met and locked on each other for 15 seconds and after that meeting, you are all I can think about. When our eyes met, it was like you were looking through to my soul and you knew that I wanted you and I felt that you wanted me too.How you looked, how you talked, how you kept glancing at me, while talking with my husband. I felt like a school girl again and now I can't get you out of my thoughts.
While I have no intentions of breaking up my marriage of 15 years or your marriage, I can't help but think of you while I work on projects, I can't help drive by your house, hoping to get a glance of you. It's behind silly now. It's almost an obsession and that's not good for anyone.

I've told my husband about you, how I feel about you and this passionate drive I have for you. I want you, physically. I think you would be an awesome lover. Never mind that you are arrogant, self-centered and well, yes a man's man. I just want your arms around me, your lips on mine and a full day of lovemaking. I've even envisioned how we would meet up, the conversation, the bedroom love-making, oh hell, the awesome sex. But then I regain my reality and know I have that all with my husband, yet there you are between us.

What does he think about this? He laughs and says okay I'll tell him and after the way he looks at you, he may just say okay. But I know down inside it kills him everytime he sees you and I mention it. So what is wrong with me?

Why in 15 years do I want you of all people to have sex with? You are younger than me by 12 years, you are arrogant, self-centered and married with 2 young children. I know your sex life isn't great and heck you aren't that good looking. Yet, when you talk, look at me when you think I don't notice I get a shiver and I want you.

Okay enough of this ridiculous fantasy. I have now said it out loud to myself and have written this confession, and now it is time to get on with my life. You are leaving soon, for another town and will hopefully become a distance memory. Good-bye fantasy. Good-bye.

Confession #2464

To My Love-

I want you to know that even though things went to the shitter as soon as I stopped working and then found out I was pregnant, I love you. You did treat me like shit for a whole year. You have improved but I know it's because I didn't let you step all over me. You have been very selfish and controlling at time- mainly due to your own insecurities. You can be such an asshole. I know that I've been more than great to you. First of all I took in your 14 month old son and made him my own. I cook,clean, do laundry and help with everything. I think at times i wish things would have stayed as just fuck buddies. Life would have simpler that way. As much as you think I want to I never want to marry again.


Your GF Never to be your wife

Confession #2465

Babe,

I cannot believe you did the same thing your father did...cheat on your wife before your baby was even a year old. I know you hate your father for all that he ever did to your mother, but can't you see you are being the same way he was? Well, I was really devastated that you cheated on me with that woman. I mean, why in the world do you go drinking with another girl???? I only came to stay with my mom for Christmas because we have so many financial problems. When I was gone you decided to go drinking and have fun...live life like a single guy! The thing that bugs me the most is that you actually have introduced her to all of your family. Eventhough you only slept with her once, you still hang out with her to this day. You have no respect for me at all. Either way, knowing that you cheated on me devastated me...makes me not want to love you anymore. For many nights I stayed up at thinking and crying over this matter...up until two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago, my perception of cheating changed! One day, I updated my profile online and an old friend noticed. He said "Married?!?!?!?!" on a comment. I responded to him and told him that I was married and had a little girl. He was surprised. He asked me how life was and I told him that he did not even know how my life had turned out. We practically started to exchange messages and those messages ended up with phone conversations. He is a former High School classmate. We were good friends back then, but never hung out outside of school. Well, we started talking on the phone like if we had just gotten out of high school. We have a pretty cool friendship and we have chemistry between us both. Anyways, him and I started talking and I confessed to him that you had cheated on me and how we are now taking a break from each other, but yet together. He was the first one to know that you cheated on me. Well, him and I started talking a lot on the phone and we crossed many boundaries. Before we knew it we were talking about sex and how many people we've been with and stuff like that. We had pretty heated conversations, if you know what I mean. After only been talking for about a week, he said he might come down to see me...and I said it would be fine. A few days before that friday, well, he told me that during high shool he had had a little crush on me and I told him that I had had a crush on him too. The next day, well he suggested to "get together." I was shocked...I really did not think I could cheat on you and was determined to not do anything, just hang out with him. Well, either way...we met after five years of not seeing each other and we saw the movie "Shutter." After the movies we went to his hotel room and IT HAPPENED!!!! We had sex. He was really something. Him and I agreed that "this experience" would not damage the friendship between him and I and it hasn't. We are still friends.

I guess in a way I understand why you keep hanging out with the chic that you slept with, you guys are friends! My friend and I are still good friends and what happened between us was a once in a lifetime thing...what I am trying to say is that I understand what happened between her and you. Also, I am not going to stop talking to my friend just because him and I had sex.

Life is unexpected and when you least expect it, things happen!

Love,
Me

Confession #2466

Before I met my husband, I was in love with someone else for 5 years. He
was my first love, however when I turned 21 years old. He began talking
about marriage and I felt smothered. When I finally broke up with him he was
devastated. I mean he was my first real boyfriend and I wasn't ready for
marriage. After dating a few more guys I realized I had made a huge mistake
and asked him if he would take me back. Unfortunately, he said I hurt him
way to bad and he could not go through that again. Then, I met my husband
and after 5 years of dating we got married. But I still wonder what might
have been. It's so bad that before I walked down the aisle to my husband, I
though of the other guy. And I still dream about him. My husband is a
wonderful man and he really takes care of me but, he is not the best
provider. I feel bad but, he's had like 6 jobs in the past 2 years and he
keeps thinking he will get promoted, but never does. While my ex has his
Master's degree and is doing really well with his wife (or so I've heard). I
love my husband, but sometimes I wonder...

Confession #2467

Dear Boyfriend,

You talk about us getting married constantly. You talk about getting my ring. We even went to go look at rings. You talk about the actual wedding. Yet that’s all you do. TALK. Every time you say “I have a surprise for you”, I get excited that maybe you’ve gotten the ring…but no. I’m getting more and more disappointed with every “surprise” you bring. IT’S NOT WHAT I WANT. I want to be yours forever. I don’t want expensive purses, I don’t want to go out to eat, and I don’t want flowers. I want to be yours…..forever…

You say I’m a good woman. And I really have been. I’ve done so much for you and you hardly seem to realize it.

You gave me an STD, I cried and forgave you. Never did I bring it up again….now I’m having problems conceiving because of it.

You went to jail, and not only did I use up all my savings to bail you out, but I pulled some strings to get you out. They didn't want to let you out, but I couldn't think of one night without you.

You’re extremely jealous so I cut out ALL of my friends from my life. I refuse to go out and drink with my friends, just to make you happy.

You canceled our plans for your birthday just so you can go drink with your buddies, not come home ALL NIGHT, and then have the audacity to accuse me of cheating that same night???? I was at home….crying…

I’ve changed my number TWICE and only gave it to family and my coworkers. Not my friends, just so you wouldn’t have a reason to accuse me of cheating

Even with all this, I love you. I know you’re a good person…and I know you’ve promised to change.

If you want me, I’ll be yours forever.

Sincerely,

The good girl

Confession #2468

Amazingly, you have no hesitation to interrupt ME when I am working, wandering in, demanding my attention to whatever you are saying or doing.
Perish the thought, however, if you are interrupted during your working. Dear Lord - you flip out! You would think you were closing the Middle East peace talks, or something....


Confession #2469

Saying you are going to be rude and then being rude is not okay. It is not my fault. You apologized, but I haven't yet forgiven you.

Confession #2470

I have been so torn up these past two weeks. I don’t know where we stand anymore and it hurts. When we first met everything was perfect. I remember I couldn’t take my eyes off you. When we would go out with friends they would have a crappy time because all we would do is focus in on each other. We would laugh together and had so many similar life experiences. I was so bitter before you and never expected to be able to love anyone the way I loved you. It seems that in the past year we have taken so many hits in our relationship. And I don’t know if we can survive it anymore. It drives me nuts that you are so involved with your son’s mom’s family. I, in fact, hate it!!! I hate that your dad is with her aunt, I hate that your brother is married to her sister! I hate that we can’t have a normal relationship where we are able to bring each other to the other one’s family. And these people that you call your “family” have done nothing but put doubts in your head about me. Why do you have to be so weak minded? Why does it matter? Why don’t you fuckin stick up for me?!?! If you love me, if you were a real man with a fuckin back bone, you would tell them to shut the fuck up about me. The thing is they don’t know me and never will. They never gave me the chance. Sure they may have heard things about me and they can’t wait to tell you. But before you come to me with it, have you ever thought that it could just be rumors and that some people love to talk, regardless the source or if it’s even true!

I have been by your side when you took my car and burnt it because you passed out behind the wheel. I stood beside you at your name giving with that family all the while they all knew you, you cheated on me with your son’s mom. I stood by you while you went to court. I stood by you when I found out you told her on Mother’s Day how you missed her, all the while I was left to go out to my parents alone without you because you were too fuckin depressed. I stood by you when you were un-employed. I stood by you after you put your hands on me. I stood by you after you lumped up my head. I have given you my all. I have been duped into being stuck with your children while you go out to party with that family. I have made sure you have lunches for work. Clean clothes for work. I do the dishes, I make the meals, and I clean the house. All because in your eyes this is the woman’s job. You sit there and tell your sister-in-law, your son’s mom’s sister, all of our business all my deepest darkest secrets. Things I thought were safe with you are now used as ammunition against me. You have let me down. You have never stuck up for me but instead are there to accuse me of whatever they say about my past, or what they think they know of my past. You let them run their mouths about me in front of your daughter. Your 11 year old daughter! Is that okay with you? Did you know she had a dream that they came to the house to throw things at me? Is that appropriate that your daughter knows how this family feels about me ?

Why is that I am always begging you to stay and always pleading my love to you? For what? So I can be your punching bag? So I can keep paying for all the bills? So I can keep picking up the house?

I have so many doubts about us, but when I bring them to you, you say it’s because I want someone else, or that I’m already fuckin someone else. Why is that? How’s it ok for you to go out without me but when I do the same then I’m on the prowl for other men. Are you scared that another man might see what a good person I am? You try to put me down and keep me in my place, let me know how much of a disappointment I’ve become to you, is that because you want to try to keep me all to yourself? Do you fear that I may one day realize my true self worth, and if I do walk out the front door leaving you with nothing?

I resent you! I sometimes can’t stand to have you kiss me and look at me! I just wish you were the man that I first met. But that man becomes more and more of a distant memory each day. I feel that I was nothing but a conquest to you. To your friends, I was the girl you got that everyone else wanted. To your “family” I am the girl you got that will take you places in life. But to any of them am I the person that is just a girl who makes you happy? I am nothing more to you then a girl that gives leverage for you to be able to tell your buddies how much better I am then their woman or to your family how much better I am because of all the things you can now afford that we are together. I just simply give you status. One day I will be gone! One day I am going to find someone else or find the strength within to leave you and your twisted fucking family’s bullshit! Why don’t you see how this relationship is falling apart? How is it that you don’t notice that bored look in my eyes? It’s probably because you are so busy worrying about your own self.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

2467 - Oh honey. Not having that ring is the Universe's way of giving you time to change your mind.

The things you describe, the STD, the jail, the jealousy, the accusations and inconsiderate behavior are just going to get worse.

You deserve better.

Billy said...

Relationships where he makes you cut off all contact with friends and family have a bad tendency to end in the morgue.. I hate to be blunt but this is classic controlling abusive behaviour and it only ever gets worse. Be happy you have no ring and no complications. Leave.

Anonymous said...

2470: I hate to say it but his ex's family might be doing you a favor. He doesn't sound like a very nice guy, hon. He cheated on you with his ex, he refuses to cut ties with people who hurt you, he whines about how much he misses her, he makes you beg him to stay. I completely understand that the relationship started out perfect. They all do, otherwise they wouldn't start at all.

But really, is it worth it now? I hope he's a better guy than he sounds like, because it sort of sounds like you might be better off alone. I'm sorry.

Anonymous said...

2467-He won't marry you, yet you are trying to conceive??? All the things you mentioned will ONLY get worse once you get married or have a child. PLEASE, for the love of God, don't bring a child into that mess!

Anonymous said...

I ABSOLUTELY 100% TOTALLY agree with anon at 6:51. This guy is walking ALL over you....let him go.
Julie

Anonymous said...

It boggles my mind why some of you women are still with these men. Is this what low self-esteem or co-dependency does to one?

Wendee said...

2467 -- you need to take a minute and think for yourself. What do YOU want in life? Don't make your life revolve around him. I did the same thing for 5 years, have 2 beautiful kids to show for it... but where's he? He abandoned us and moved home to be near his buddies, his mama, and his booze.
These red flags you see now? It doesn't get any better, he won't change. Even though he doesn't abuse you physically, he's abusing your trust, your love... don't let him continue. You can't change him. You can't make him into the "perfect" man you *think* he may be. Trust me. I was there. Now he's 2 years + out of our lives, and things are much clearer. Quit listening to his excuses and his bs -- listen to that little voice in your head that's telling you something's wrong.
Please don't bring a child into this world unless you truly think you can support it 100%, emotionally as well as financially.

Anonymous said...

2467 & 2470:

Walk away. No, RUN away as fast as you can and don't look back.

You both deserve so much better than this abusive behavior. There are good guys out there that will treat you the way you SHOULD be treated and respected. A good relationship doesn't keep you down, it helps you grow.

Anonymous said...

To #2461. Seems that you did the right thing for you and ur daughter.. Good going.. i wish more women would be as brave as you..You didnt just walk out the door. you put up with a lot and try to hold on to something you thought might just be one day.. again good luck and good for you for standing up and not taking the bull anymore.. ;)

Juliegrrl20 said...

2467 & 2470-
You are silly silly girls to still be with these men, and that is putting it nicely. Have a little respect for yourself!! It is not ok for them to treat you like that. Whoever taught you it was is WRONG, I don't care if it was your momma. You both need to remove yourselves from the situation. Either go to a family member or a friend or go to a shelter. just get out.

Anonymous said...

2467 & 2470: RUN!!! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

Gotta Let it Out said...

2467

I'm praying for you girl... you gotta figure out that you're worth more. This man is not "the one"

Anonymous said...

You all need to wake up. Please. I don't understand why women put up with this stuff-- Why did I put up with it? Why do we lie to ourselves about how bad our situation is until we hate everything in our lives, including ourselves for "getting ourselves into this mess"? We didn't choose this path, we chose a different one that somehow led here. God this just makes me feel so ill inside.