I'm not really pregnant.
It was the only thing I could think of to keep you from walking out last night.
Sometimes I think that if something ever happened to you, I would be so torn apart I wouldn't know what to do.....and other times I want to kill you myself. I never give you flack about drinking with your buddies, even when you go to their house in the afternoon and don't come home until 1 a.m. But then you come home telling me that your buddy offered to let you sleep with his wife. He's an old guy and she's younger, and apparently he doesn't think he's enough for her. So you tell me you turned him down. When you tell me this, I don't know whether to kiss you or slap you, so I just say, "I hope you stay away from there". You say you will, but since then you've been over there a half dozen times, for all hours of the night. When I get mad and ask you about it, you say that the wife doesn't hang out in the living room with you guys, that you haven't done anything wrong, that you're just haning out with the husband. How co me you can't hang out with him at our house? Don't you see how disrespectful this is to me? How much it worries me? Then you tell me that some of your friends think that you're sleeping with the wife. Why do you even tell me all this shit? To make me go insane? I don't understand how you can have such a lack of caring for me and my feelings. I'm not going to go on and on about how much I do for you, how hard I work inside and outside of the home, how much our daughter needs you, how much you spend on alcohol when our house is practically falling in..... I'm not a piece of shit to be trampled on! You tell me you love me, you tell everyone else that I'm a good wife - why don't you act like it?
I haven't told you yet, but I forgive you. We have been busy with the kids, my mother, picking up the car. I haven't had a time to tell you. I really want to get past this with you and I want to stay with you. I have found some level ground in what you did and I can move on. I forgive you, I love you, I just haven't told you yet...It isnt' right to be depressed all the time. The look in my eyes must hurt you terrible and it really isn't what I want. I want to be with you and the kids and to move on. It will be a long year, no leaving the state, but there are beaches here and the kids will understand if you have to "work". I love you, I forgive you, I just havent told you yet. But I will.
Where do I begin?
I want to say. I hate it when he doesn't know what he wants and just completely cuts me off. Hey! If you don't want a relationship then just say so. Quit being a f*cking coward and just say it! One minute your mister nice guy and being all lovey-dovey. The next minute you don't want anything to do with me. No wonder why your ex hated you so bad. You drove both of us to the brink and now we have to take anti depressants because you lowered our self esteem so bad. All you do is take but don't give anything in return. You are selfish and rude. Good luck finding somebody that will put up with your ass.
Today I am driving 3 hours at 3.29 a gallon to take my children.. not ours.. they are mine.. to the funeral of your grandpa. The kids wonder who he is.. what does he look like? They really cant remember. Where are you? Oh thats right.. still sitting your ass in jail eating, watching tv, and what ever else criminals do to pass the time. You called the other night to ask me to take them.. no wait.. you told me to.. actually you told me " i expect you to do it". Well buddy i will tell you what, i am not taking them for you that is for sure. I am taking them because that is what i am suppose to do for a person that in the 9 years i was married to you rarely even said " hi" to me.
When i get there am i dropping them off ? no.. no way. I will not let your mom poison them with words about me or about how much you love them and miss them. I will have a person take them and return them to me because i do not trust you or your family , nor do i care to set foot around one person in your family.
Remember when you get out of jail .. you have no visitation rights. So when you decide to tell me what you expect, you can kiss my ass til you get a lawyer. Still to this day.. 15 years since i met you i cannot believe i ever married you, trusted you, believed one lie out of your mouth. When you broke my collar bone and then ran off with that stupid woman you met off line i should have left then but nope.. i forgave you. For what ? Oh thats right.. you have a job in jail and i got $14.00 for support last month. That really helps out alot.
You really really piss me off.
To my best friend:
You say you value honesty, but I’m not so sure you’re prepared for this much of it from me. However, I have to get this out so you’ll understand what I’m about to do. Why did I have to get smarter when I turned 30? Maybe it’s not smarter, really. I was perfectly happy being stupid and content with settling for my life until then. It’s probably a mortality thing. I suddenly realized that I’m not going to get a prize at the end of my life for sacrificing my happiness.
Okay, first of all, you may have figured some of this out… I have been trying to fight feelings I have for you. I have been since the old days. Do you remember my answer to that “favorite memory” question on that silly quiz? That was the moment, 14 years ago, that I fell for you. I tried to tell you a few times (before I got married), but I could never follow through because I didn’t think you could feel the same way for me. Ever since, I’ve been pushing all of my feelings away- usually without too much trouble. Much of the time, I even forgot I’d ever felt anything but friendship. Recently, though, this has been an awful struggle, and it’s because we’re “talking” so much more. I had forgotten how hard it is to feel this way. I keep imagining that you feel (or felt) something for me. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t- it doesn’t really matter. Nevertheless, our “talking” is getting to be more and more painful for me. God- the thought of being alone with you… I can’t even go there. I’m afraid if it keeps up I may do or say something stupid- I’ve already come too close. I don’t want to try to break up your family (not that I could), but I can’t stop thinking about you. I want you to be happy in your life. I’ve already decided that I can’t live the way I have been in mine.
I had no business getting married when I did, and I have no excuse except that I was young and stupid. I didn’t have any idea who I was or what I wanted, and he loved me and wanted to marry me. I was rescued from uncertainty and magically defined- I was a grownup and I was a wife. I think I loved him then-at least who I thought he was. I suspected I was making a mistake as I was saying my vows, but I couldn’t figure out a way to stop it and hoped it was just “cold feet.” I would have been gone in that first horrible year, but the baby came along and I felt like I had to stay for her sake. Any love I did have was gone by then- chased off by too much ugliness. I’ve felt so guilty ever since that I put up with much more than I should have, especially in those first few years. Now, I think I’m going to leave; I just have to figure out when and how to talk to him- that may take some time. This has nothing to do with you- it has to do with the fact that I’m done pretending I’m happy just to spare everyone else’s feelings. I was going to wait it out until the kids were grown, but I think I’ve changed my mind. Before, I thought of myself as noble and self-sacrificing because I was staying when I didn’t want to. Now I feel like it’s more cowardice than anything else. It sounds cliché, but life is really too short to be unhappy for so long. It’s not fair for any of us. I do love him for the family he’s given me and the sacrifices he’s made to become a better person. I know this is going to hurt like hell. I hate that I’m going to hurt people I love, but my depression and anger over my life cannot be good for the kids. I’ll be a better mom if I’m happy. Maybe I’m rationalizing so I don’t feel so selfish. Either way, they’ll live. My family got through it, and all of us are better off for it. They’ll be sad, but they’ll be okay.
To get to the point, I felt that I owed you a “brutally honest” explanation about why I’m not going to talk to you as much for a little while- at least until I get my shit together. The things I’m feeling are not good for our friendship or for my decision-making. If this gets ugly (god I hope not), I’ll understand if you feel you have to “side” with him. Just please don’t bring this into it. I don’t want to mess up anyone’s life but my own. If we get together as families, I’ll be fine. I’ve been ignoring my feelings for so long, it’s almost second nature. But I can’t keep talking to you like we have been. I just can’t. Maybe someday- if you’ll forgive me for burdening you with all of this- we can go back to being the good friends we’ve been for so long. I hope more than anything that you’ll understand. I’m sorry. I’ll miss you.
Your best friend
Dear A-hole -
i love you, I really do. But why are you so fucking self-centered? She's 3. She's FUCKING 3. And you want to get pissy and shitty with her when she completely melts down after having 7-fucking hours of sleep last night. A 3 year old needs at least 10 hours of sleep at night. she went to bed late and stayed awake in her bed for hours, not falling asleep until 11 PM. Yet you get her up at 6 AM because YOU suddenly can't be late for work.
Fuck you. You've been late every fucking day for the past 6 months and you pick TODAY to turn over a new leaf? You come home and you're shitty with both of them because they are tired. Newsflash dill-hole, they're going to be tired. and you want to get them up earlier. Thanks-a-fucking-lot. I don't get home until 6 PM and now I have to have them in bed by 8-fucking PM so they can get enough sleep. I see my precious babies for maybe 2 hours (if you can fucking get home by 6 PM, but who are we kidding? You sure as fuck can't be troubled to do that).
Why can you not understand this? It's not fucking rocket science. You won't listen to me and you are making me hate being married to you. Get a fucking clue, these are your flesh and blood. You should have a concept of what they need.
I pray we are accepted for the place that is closer to their preschools. At least then I can drop them off and see them a bit more.
I'm so angry with you, I can't even see straight.
I feel trapped by my husband's job. He makes good money, but he is working all the time. I didn't sign up to do the parenting single-handed. Jobs in my field require every other weekend, and I'd have to get a nanny for child care since my husband is always at the office. And that would eat up all my salary. (No, I don't have a family member nearby to watch the kids. Why would it be my family's responsibility to work for no wages?)
You are planning a beautiful, romantic weekend trip for us, and I can't wait for the time we will have together. Time for us to make love - away from kids and jobs. Time to have meals together and make jokes and play and fall deeper in love. Thank you, my love, for thinking of this and for planning it for us.
When you belittle me in front of family, and then you say it's my fault, and I should go away and leave you alone, that's what I want to do. At that moment, I was ready to have an affair. I was going to call an old college friend, ask him if he was busy, ask him if he had condoms, and tell him I was coming over. I know that another old friend would jump at the chance to make love to me, but he's married, and I won't break someone else's marriage vows. But since you don't seem to care about the vows you made, I'm not sure why I should care, either. (Answer: Because I'm a grownup. Because it's a sin. Because you're not a jerk all the time.)
Right now I want to wake you up and hit you. I won't. But I want to.