I have allowed anonymous posters again BUT I am moderating the comments. Discussion is fine. Outright Name calling is not acceptable and will be rejected.
I read this blog every week. And every week I realize how absolutely lucky I am in my marriage. Sure, he does stupid man stuff. Honestly though...what man doesn't? He leaves things laying around, passes loud and noxious gas, and other annoying things, but I can't think of one single absolutely horrible thing he does or has done to me our or kids. He treats me well, he's a great dad to our two kids, and he works hard to better our lives.
Thank you, honey. I love you and always will! May the future of our marriage be as great as the first 11 1/2 years!
I want to have another baby. It kills me that when I even mention it, you
shoot me down. You are so dismissive about the whole thing. I hate that I
don't have a say in the matter. You are holding all the cards (so to
speak). It makes me want to poke holes in your condoms. I would never do
it, but the thought has crossed my mind.
I wish you would just get the vasectomy we talked about so this could be
over with. Just knowing that it isn't possible would be a relief to me. I
feel like you are holding me ransom with a "maybe".
Don't try to make me feel guilty about not getting my tubes tied again,
either. My body has been through enough with the 2 children we have now.
You are the one that doesn't want more kids. You should be the one to
suffer for your decision.
Just make a decision though. I can't stand this limbo anymore. Please...
Before our divorce I always told you that it was never you; that it was me. Guess what? It was totally you. Oh, and by the way, I apparently do like sucking cock. Just not yours.
I am at my wits end. I do not know what to do. I feel like, if I stay, I will lose you...but if i go, then well, i lose everything else-my family, friends, job, the place i know and love. You could make this decision SO easy for me. Change, just a little. I'm not asking for you to be a different person. All i want it a kiss now and then, without asking for it, for you to surprise me once in a while...with anything! I don't need jewelry or expensive gifts. christ, it would make me happy if you brought me a a pack of gum home from the store, write me a note, tell me i look pretty....and STOP COMMENTING ON OTHER WOMEN! I pride myself on being so very patient, and willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, but you have pushed my limits almost as far as they will go. I love you, take care of you, cook for you, clean for you... trust you, well i try to...after what you did id say I'm doing pretty good...everything i do is with the intention of making the man that i love happy...now i am supposed to leave. Leave for what? To do all of this but be alone while doing it? Have no one to be with or vent to? I don't know what you want from me. I don't know what else i need to do in order to make you love me back. And I'm almost ready to stop trying.
Please don't make me stop trying....i love you.
I realized last night when people were asking if we were getting married and you said no with such a look of horror in your eyes, that you are not planning on marrying me...
It's so hard not to have anyone to talk to. That's why I have to post here. Because this is my only outlet, my only chance to talk about my feelings. So here goes:
Yesterday we were having a family gathering for Halloween. I knew you were about to go get some alcohol for yourself before everyone got there, and I suddenly just got so depressed. I hate when you drink when we are having company over. You're just not fun, and it seems like everything me and our daughter does gets on your nerves. Plus you are either worn out and cranky for work the next day, or, if it's the weekend, you sleep until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. Anyway, as you were walking out the door, I said, "Baby, can't you please just now drink this once? It's so much more fun when you don't drink." You got angry and said that I was trying to control you and you won't put up with that. So I apologized. You got the beer anyway, and I had to kiss your ass the rest of the day to make up for it, because I hate when you are mad at me and just ignore me. I understand that both of your parents drank heavily and that that seems normal to you. I understand that you are dealing with the death of your brother. I understand that your ex-wife controlled you to the point that it was ridiculous, and that you never want to live like that again. But I'm not her. I don't want to control you, it's just that when you are drinking it's like you don't even like me anymore. And you say things that hurt my feelings and then I'm supposed to just get over it because you were drinking at the time. I love you so much, and I understand more than you think I do. I can't even fathom living without you, but sometimes life is just so hard. I feel like drinking is sort of your "out". You can shed all of your responsibilities and worries and just be in "la la land". But I live in the real world, and sometimes my world is lonely and hurtful and really sucks.
This is gross, I know. My 3 year old daughter thinks farts are
hilarious. She can also drive me bananas with everything the
terrible 3's can include. Since I am newly pregnant with our third
child, one of the undesirable side effects is raunchy, rancid gas.
I have, on occasion, turned one of those farts loose on her. WHat a
bad example, I know. They are usually silent so she doesn't know-
it's just a petty little secret I keep. This morning I did it as she
was throwing her muffin at her little brother. She stopped what she
was doing and said "eww mommy, did you toot" . It was especially
bad and I couldn't help but laugh out loud. Bad mommy! Bad mommy!
why is it so hard for you to have the house picked up for me when i get home from work? last night i had a hell night at work and i come home and theres dirty dishes in the sink and the house is just a mess. i clean up during the day when i'm home and i'm real tired of you not doing the same.
i had to run the dishwasher this morning, which means i have to put them away, that is our oldest's chore, and you never had the kids make their lunches last night. WHY?! i dont think i ask too much from you, but this needs to change. if you dont start picking up around the house i will quit my job and make you get a second one to make up for the money we'll be missing out if i leave, good luck finding a part time job for yourself that pays what i make now.
and when you ask me a question, actually listen to the answer, i know you only half listen to me because you want to talk about you or your hobbies or your day at work, but last night i came very close to quitting my job and telling my boss to kiss my ass and you just dont care, your only response was, so are you going to take the dog for a walk now?
why dont you bite me? you dont care that i'm stressed out now. you just dont care.
You have been married to my brother nearly as long as I have been
married. You acted like you loved him, you were welcomed into our
family with open arms, and my mother treated you so well that
sometimes I got jealous. Then all of a sudden something changed. You
were a different person we were all supposed to "accept." But you
don't take care of your responsibilities, you keep a filthy house,
your children are on the verge of being officially labeled neglected,
and you don't want to hear from us because, apparently, we suck. Well
fuck you. You are a lazy, selfish bitch and we would all be better off
without you (especially your children). If you don't want to be a wife
or mom or beloved family member anymore, that is ok with me. Now would
you just fucking LEAVE him and get it over with? He deserves SOOOOO
I know I should leave you. I deserve everything that I have always
dreamed of, a man who cherishes me - EVERY DAY, not just every now and
then. I deserve the passionate love affair that I waited so long for -
which was there, in the beginning. I had waited for a very physical
relationship - that is what I want, not the cold fish you have turned
I deserve a man who will stop trying to change my kid - I don't want her
to be like your kids. They are disrespectful and they use you. My kid
is respectful, loves me and likes to be with me which drives you crazy
because your kids couldn't and can't wait to get away from you.
There were so many things I didn't do for years because I was waiting
for that special person to do them with me. Like walking around
downtown, like special weekend trips away just the two of us, like
planning the weekends full of concerts and art galleries and museum
trips and, and, and.......so many many things that we just don't do
because you don't want to. Your idea of a great weekend is sitting in
front of the TV - the ENTIRE weekend.
You hid who you really were, you pretended to be the man I wanted and
had waited for. Over the past two years your true colors have come out
and now I want out. I know I should leave you. You can be verbally
abusive, manipulative, and downright mean when you don't get EXACTLY
what you want, when and how you want it. I don't think that I should
spend every third day or so in tears over something you said. I have
cried more since meeting you than my entire life combined and I'm 45! I
deserve kindness and tenderness from you - but what I miss the most is
the joy I used to have in my life. Even though I was alone for YEARS
and YEARS, I was for the most part happy. I was lonely sometimes but
you know what? I'm lonelier now - living with you and all the crazy
drama and stress and sadness and depression than I ever was at any point
in my life.
I know I should leave you. Why do I stay?