I hate the way you stare at me when you are angry - and yes, I have spoken to you about it. But honestly, it makes me feel like a naughty 5 year old - when I have nothing to feel guilty about. Stop trying to be my father.
Really??? You had an accident with the car, your car, and I am not supposed to get upset. Well, now you need my car, the family car to get back and forth. If you came home when you were supposed to, maybe it wouldn't have happened, but we will never know, now will we. when will this stop, your behavior continues to be reckless. I may have to leave to keep my self preservation. Anyway, I hope you get picked for jury duty. You need it. Personally, I am glad you are out of the house. Love you
It occurs to me that you love me most when you are thousands of miles away. Take our Skype conversation just two days ago, you telling me how much you loved and missed me, and how when you got home you were going t lay me out on our bed and pleasure me orally just like I like (but you soooooooo rarely do). You say that to me when you're thousands of miles away because you think it's what I need to hear. The truth is I gave up believing those lines long ago because you NEVER, EVER follow through.
Ya know what my New Years resolution is? Your blowjobs will be in direct proportion to the amount of oral sex I receive. In other words; none for me = none for you. Let's see how you like the game of "tease and take away".
I wonder if you realize just how much trouble our marriage is in. If
you understand the depth of my unhappiness.
We have been married for nearly a decade, together near 14 years.
That's a long time. We have two of the most beautiful children that
are a true pleasure, even when they are being pains in the ass.
Yet, you can't be bothered to remember an anniversary, Christmas or
birthday. I'm not exactly sure when you decided this was "OK". When
you were able to justify it so clearly to yourself and make it
You sat in therapy and put all the blame on me. She spends all the
money, so there's nothing left for me to buy her something for
Christmas or her birthday (or our anniversary apparently).
Now let's review the latter half of 2008. Christmas. When you ask me
at 10:05 PM on December 18th if you can still order my gift online,
I'm kinda thinking that's not a good sign, since the shipping cut-off
for Christmas was exactly 5 minutes earlier, dumbass. Oh, but wait, I
saved you again because I knew you would forget and I ordered it
myself. Real fucking classy babe.
Oh, and when you ask me what I want for Christmas, it's not the
smartest thing in the world to say, "Well do you need it?" with
complete snotty-ness in your voice. Really kills the dream, ya know.
So here we are 3 days from our anniversary. And I made sure you had
money in your account (not a huge amount, but enough you could get me
a card and a movie or a CD or some-fucking-thing. and you went to
lunch with it. AND TREATED A CO-WORKER TO LUNCH. So now, there is
nothing. Well, no. I have the same amount to buy YOU something. And
I will. And I will make dinner for us that night. And we will see
how this plays out.
And my birthday. I don't care about getting old, I really don't. But
you make me fucking dread my birthday because invariably someone will
be dumb enough to ask what you got me or what you had the kids give
me. And I'm tired of lying to make you look better. I really am.
and sex once a month is NOT normal. I'm so fucking sick of the
history of porn on your damn computer, but you can't be bothered to
fuck me. I can fucking dance naked in front of you and you'll just
ask me to step aside.
I'm tired of living in your universe. I want off this ride, but I
don't know how to make it stop. I love you, but I need to find myself
again and be me. I have no desire for our children to think this is
"normal" for a husband to not buy gifts for his wife.
Oh, and quit fucking arguing with me over gifts for the kids. I don't
buy too much, but I'm not fucking giving them 1 God-damn gift on
Christmas morning. That is shitting and you're a cheap bastard for
even suggesting it. We're not that fucking poor. And if we were,
maybe you should give up your precious iphone to save us money....oh
wait, that will never happen. I'm sorry, what was I thinking?!?
I want a divorce for Christmas. I want you to quit fighting me over every stupid thing, because this is going to go to a judge, and he is going to give me everything I want. You know why? Because you have bugged my bedroom and my car, you have threatened our children, our daughter is afraid of you.
You claim you want to work things out, but you have been worse to me since I told you I was unhappy than you ever were before. Guess what? Being called a whore and a liar doesn't exactly make me fall back in love with you.
Oh, and by the way... I'm not divorcing you because of anyone else but YOU. I met someone AFTER I filed. But you would rather blame this on someone else. WHATEVER. I'm done
I know that we have been married almost 7 years and that we have two small children and that overall, we have been disconnected for quite some time. What I don't understand is why you think that by doing nothing, it will magically get better and how you are unable to let anything go, in order to take a first step toward doing so?
I know that I am the one who pulled away from you first. You know why. Because you are highly critical and controlling and because I am just sensitive enough to hold onto it all. I know that our infertility issues didn't help our sex life either. I realize that you are a man and that men have different needs than women do, at least in certain times of life.
It just seems like I am always the one doing all of the trying. All of the changing. All of the counseling. Reading relationship books, trying to open the lines of communication, trying to get you to be a bit more in tune with REAL LIFE and trying to get you to understand that we are a team, with alot on our plate and that sometimes in life, people aren't always in love and having hot sex.
By constantly being negative and not lifting a finger where our marriage is concerned, you are alienating me/us more and more each day. You are a great dad and you do help me around the house....but you just can't make yourself lighten up enough to actually love me unconditionally, which in turn, would get you the sex that you are throwing our entire relationship away over.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sorry that you are not getting laid enough right now. I am sorry that you choose a high pressured job and that we live in an expensive home and that you honestly choose to believe that everyone but you is having sex. I am sorry that we have two small children under 3 and that you don't want to believe that finding time for each other is a problem for alot of married couples with small children. I am sorry that you cannot get on board with me and accept that if we treat each other with respect and remain the best of friends through the rough times, that in the end, we'll be lovers again easily. Really, though, while I am sorry....I don't really care anymore.
I am so sick and tired of feeling like we have reached some sort of an understanding and then watching you slide right back into your critical, negative personality. I would leave you right now, if it weren't for our kids. I might leave you when they are grown, but I still think it would hurt them too much. I suppose instead though, I 'll just keep taking anti-depressants to try and get through the day with you, find a few good friends to laugh with, consider this the bed I made and just go ahead and accept it.
You are the BEST when it comes to picking gifts for your mom and our
kids. The absolute best. You suck at picking presents for me,
though. I pretend it doesn't bother me, but honestly it hurts my
feelings that you don't care enough to try. I mean, a coffee mug with
your company logo on it? Are you retarded?
It seems things can only go along well for so long, and then we hit another wall. Tonight, I am sick and tired of listening to you go on and on about wonderful Wyoming and how you dream of retiring there. Go ahead. Retire there. ALONE. I don't want to live in yet another city inhabited with yet another of your ex-wives looking over my shoulder, reporting my every move. And I sure as hell don't want to live in the sticks and wilderness that is Wyoming ... at least the Wyoming you've shown me thus far. For God sake man, you lived there 20 plus years ago, and you remember it as a young boy. Time has a way of easing memory and turning a dull place into something magical. It's that "magic" that you are recalling honey, but the reality is that it's bloody cold there and it's DULLSVILLE. You wanna go live in the sticks? Have at it, but you'll be packing up your house all by yourself and you'll be living that way in wonderful Wyoming. I love you, but I cannot stand the thought of being yanked out of the big city that makes me feel alive. Not for the freedom and fresh air and sorry babe, not for you. Can't do it. Won't do it. Stop making the sales pitch, I'm just not buying it.
Has it ever occurred to you that shopping is my way of managing the stress of living with you? That my shopping jags are the way I fill some kind of empty emotional void? That you yelling at me for shopping with MY MONEY only inspires me to go out and spend more of MY MONEY?
When I was telling you about the woman that came into my work and had
just had lipo and I'd made a comment that'd I'd love lipo on my
stomach, your response threw me off.
"Would you ever consider gastric bypass?"
I know I'm fat. Technically "morbidly obese". But I'm still active.
I know I need to lose weight, let's just get that out of the way.
There is NO denial about my size or that for my health, I need to lose
But here's the thing. You've always like "big" girls. You were the
one person I felt completely safe with, that I never thought would
make me feel bad about my weight (well, other than your Mom, but
that's because she's a living saint).
And when you said the thing about the surgery, you said it so quickly,
without missing a beat. Which means you've been thinking about it.
Which would also explain our sex life or lack there of.
In 14 years of being with you, I never thought it would come to that.