Sunday, January 18, 2009

True Wife Confessions 279 Cold Snap

Confession #2781

All I wanted was your time. Now I get it and I wish you would do something better with it. Get a job, seriously. You're 27 years old. Who cares if you been working and going to school for ever. Don't live off the system just cuz you can now. You're only setting us back in the long run. Were never going to be able to have kids if you keep this up. I can't stand how much of a bum you have become, it drives me insane. Stop partying. Act your age, I think you forgot you're an adult. Thats why its 2 pm on a Saturday and you're still sleeping even though we were supposed to leave at 9am to go 3 hours away. That was your idea, thanks for leavin me hangin again.

Confession #2782

This morning, you left for work about 15 minutes earlier than me. I finished getting ready, and I went out to my truck. I saw that you had taken the time to scrape the ice off my windshield before you left. I confess that I gasped and put my hand over my mouth and felt inordinately lucky when I saw that small sweet thing you did to make my morning just a little bit easier.

Confession #2783

I thought that was just one of those women who couldn't have an orgasm with oral. It was nice. I liked it..but in nearly 25 years of being sexually active...Nothing. Until last night. Holy Shit. That was amazing. Yes, It took a long time, but you were dedicated to pleasing me - and after 45 minutes or so of licking you got me there. Thank you.

Confession #2784

You like to say, "Hey let's have sex tonight" or make some sort of little announcement that you're "in the mood." But when the time comes, you're "too tired", "Too full from dinner" or you "Feel gross and need a shower." Or blah, blah. THere's always an excuse.

I got pissed at you today when you did this to me FOR THE THIRD DAY IN A ROW! I confronted you. You said, 'So. What's the big deal. At the time I say that, I mean it. Just that later on, I change my mind."

Ok. How about this: I'm going to cook you a great big dinner in two hours. (When the time comes, I'm going to make ME a Lean Cuisine. I'm going to do this three days in a row.) And then I guess I can say, 'Well, at the time, I meant it.

Fucking asshole. Just so you know, you won't be able to find three of your favorite sweaters ever again. I boxed them up and the Viet Vets truck is coming tomorrow to pick it up. They sell the clothes to make money for their program. Nothing makes me feel better than to think some strung out man on meth who's just made $10 by giving some trucker a blowjob wll be wearing YOUR FAVORITE SWEATER!

Asshole.

WHY on earth would you say, "Hey, let's have sex later on" and then give me some excuse. And when I question you, after its been several days in a row of this nonsense, you act like I'm a horrible bitch. That I'm DEMANDING sex. Please, I've stopped making advances. This is ALL you.

Course I guess I just did you a favor - you can use this argument to buy you two more weeks of not having sex with me! You'll can use this to rationalize why you masturbate too much for two whole weeks. Maybe more if you play your cards right (as in pick a few more fights.) you could stretch that out to a few MONTHS. I mean, the "I ate too much" and the "I had a stressful day" and the "I'm tired" and the "I need a shower" and the excuses only last a day.

But you don't realize you don't NEED to make these excuses. I've backed off. I don't try anything anymore. But maybe there IS a part of you that realizes you're jerking off too much and YOUR WIFE KNOWS THIS!

Confession #2785

Recently I was talking to some girlfriends. One posed the question: If you were financially independent, would you still be with your spouse? We all realized that NO, we wouldn't be. We were all staying for the same reasons -- good schools for our kids and being able to provide our children with opportunities and experiences they wouldn't have otherwise. (Not so much about designer clothes but money for music lessons or money so our kids could participate in team sports wearing safe equipment. We also worried about how divorce would affect them. But I know more women who'd stay for these reasons than I do otherwise. I found that interesting. I wonder how many of your readers would voluntarily stay if they inherited a large sum of money or won the lotto and were financially covered for the rest of their lives?

Confession #2786

I know you are cheating on me. I know you've been cheating on me for years. I was relieved when you said you had to leave for six months just so I wouldn't have to look at your lying face every day. And thanks for asking me before making that decision, you jerk. You think you can just go off and leave me with the kids so you can go play with the boys? You immature jerk. I know what you do on the computer late at night. But the most disgusting thing is that you LIE all the time. You make it seem like I'm to blame for the problems in my marriage -- what a laugh. I've never cheated on you because quite frankly, you have put me off sex for good. You think you are such a god in bed and that you "get off" on satisfying a woman -- you haven't satisfied me for years. The few times I put up with you in bed I fake it just to get it over with. And the only way I can even bring myself to do that is to pretend your someone else. You disgust me. You should take a look in the mirror one day, Mr. Sex God: you've got a pot belly and a really small dick and I laugh to myself to see that bald spot on your head getting bigger by the day.

I loved you and would have done anything for you. Until I found out that you were cheating. Oh yes: I know all about it. Don't you think I don't. But your not man enough to confess it, are you? Everytime you say you love me, I want to smash your head in. You only love yourself.

I'm only staying with you until the kids are older. And you have no idea what I've been up to while you've been gone. Take a close look at the bank statements, honey. I've been moving money around. Once I have enough, you are history.

You are a pathetic, lying, cheating scumbag -- just the kind of man I'll warn our daughters about. I'm done trying to save our marriage, now that I know you threw it away years ago.

Confession #2787

My love for you is sincere.

I have been praying and waiting on you for so long. The birth of our child was so wonderful, not my idea of how it was suppose to be. However, had I of known that being so carless would get us to where we are now I would have waited. I just can't get over your fucking lazy ass ways. Don't worry the idea of us getting together does cross my mind, but some how you manage to piss me off and remind me of why your not here. I even tell you what your problem is and you still haven't tried to fix it so screw you and this relationship. So now that you are gone someone else is temporarily filling your void. He doesn't have all his shit together either, but what he does embrace me as a woman and shows me the shit you and others have for so long been taking for granted. You know there is someone else I thought that would make you fight for us more, but you still do the same shit as before.. I know not to get too involved, but I can't promise you that if I let you come back I would let him go either.

Confession #2788

What a wonderful morning , I wake up after a long night of you touching me and making me feel so sexy. That is how you really stole my heart to begin with. Oh yeah.. your music is wonderful, the fancy restaurants were so much fun and the letters you wrote were amazing, but your touch... wow. When we were dating , you told me you wanted to wait until we were married for sexual intercourse. I had sexual intercourse for years in my first marriage, what I missed was what you were giving me, the time and touch. But honey, dont you think you really should have told me you are incapable of having sexual intercourse - that your peter has pooped? You are 15 years older than I am but with the foreplay I expected the sex to be out of this world. Well, it has been for the past 8 years, out of this world and into the world of massagers. I know.... I should have noticed this little detail in all the fore play, the fact the there was no well..... hardness. It really pisses me off. I think I have become a virgin again. I know, it sounds like I want my cake and I want to eat it too. Is there anything so wrong with that. At first it concerned you but now I think you are just darn lazy. Lay in bed, grab the massager and we can all be asleep in 5 minutes. ( It is a GOOD massager!) I want what you give me but I want to feel you inside me. I never have. That feels wrong. I mean, if I am horny and the electricity goes out - I am screwed. Well, you know what I mean. You are a wonderful man most of the time but could you please get off your ass and see why you cant have an erection? You can still jack off! YAH! FOR YOU!!!! ugh...... I think I messed up. Next time , I am marrying for money. Love didnt work. Sex is a joke. I want a house on an island a jet of my own.

Confession #2789

I miss you so badly when we aren't together. Yes, I know you need your space and I'm determined to give it to you. But I have needs too. I need to be part of a couple. All the time. Not just when it suits YOUR needs. What about MY needs? Don't they matter to you? I guess not. I feel so very alone when we aren't together. You could fix that. But you aren't. Should I give this relationship up and move on because of that?


Confession #2790

I just want to say that after this summer? Well, you can't hurt me anymore. You betrayed me. You lied to me. You absolutely devasted me. I questioned my worth, my decisions, my intelligence, competence, appearance, everything. And you still maintain that it was MY fault YOU had an affair. I'm still with you. I've been trying to work on our marriage. I've seen the therapist but you haven't. And I recently realized that I can no longer let myself fully love you. Because I would leave myself open. And I can't say for sure you WON'T do this again. Hell, YOU say, 'I can't promise you this won't happen again." And then you basically say, "If you start acting the way you used to..."

What I feel for you most of the time? Isn't love but indifference. You seem to think I should just give you my trust. You seem to think you have it again. Nope. That's just the indifference. You seem to think I've become more confident in you and the relationship. HA! THe reason I'm ok with your travel and guy's nights (you know to where you aren't home 5 out of 7 days due to work or your happy hours) is because I really like our house. But I also know I can't afford this house or school district on what I make or even could make. So I'm ok with you being gone so much. At least then I don't have to share custody time, can pay the bills AND not have to deal with you all that much.

I think if you realized alot of what I do now is due to indifference and that you can't really hurt me anymore, you'd take that as a personal challenge. You'd TRY to hurt me. Just to see if you could. You've always felt a compulsion to test my limits. But trust me. So the next time we get into a fight and you say something about how you might leave, you will be very surprised to find my response is: "I think that's a great idea. I'll help you pack."

Fucking asshole!

32 comments:

A man concerned with the current state of affairs said...

I have been reading this blog for quite sometime and if anything, these confessions are from one person. There are two sides to every story- remember that.

It breaks my heart to read confessions about women who are proud to announce the next time they are marrying it will be for money. It is also a huge red flag for anyone they might possibly date in the future. Sadly, they won't be aware of it, although I am quite sure those that have a lot of money know better and are wise to those who will marry simply for money.

Another thing that breaks my heart is how some of you women are treated. We have to take your confessions at face value and believe that what you have written is indeed 100% accurate. Now, I know no one is entirely free from blame. It takes two people to make a relationship work and it takes two to help destroy it. Take my failed marriage for example. If I had been a more confident man, then I would have known it is okay to stand up for myself and it is okay to enforce mutual respect by discussing it with my ex-wife. But, the truth of the matter is, had I not been afraid of being compared to her alleged ex-husband, I would have stood up to her and told her it's not okay to stay out all night with known drug users. It's not okay to hang out with a man who openly confessed to us both how much he wanted her (my ex-wife) since the moment he laid eyes on her. It's okay to not put up with crap that does not fly with me. It's okay to ask that my spouse respect me and our marriage as much as I do. It's okay that I don't have to put up with someone who isn't 100% committed to a monogamous and successful marriage. It's okay that I don't have to put up with someone who does not want to help herself. It's okay that I want to discuss livening up our sex life.

Being in my late-30's, it is shocking to me to learn (from reading on here) that so many married women out there have almost no sex life to speak of. Now, there could be any number of factors involved in this equation. Possibly, the number one reason would be weight gain. Let's face reality: being overweight is not attractive to some people. I said "some people." And, this goes both ways. There are wives who do what they can to stay in shape while their husbands let themselves go. But, what about those husbands who do what they can to stay in shape while their wives let themselves go? Now, I understand when women get pregnant there is weight gain to be expected. I also know that some people gain weight due to circumstances beyond their control, medical reasons is such a situation. That being said, 9 times out of 10 when it is due to medical reasons that usually kills the desire for sex in the person the medical condition is happening. Believe me when I say that not even I would expect a woman to get back to her original size after having a child. Your bodies change in ways us men cannot comprehend (but, we can see) because we do not have to undergo such a change. However, after you recover from having your baby, what have you both done to remain physically attractive to each other? How much of an effort is one partner putting into the relationship to be desirable? What about the other partner? What effort are you making to include your partner in some kind of daily fitness routine? Instead of attacking them, invite them to spend time with you on a walk. Try making healthy meals instead of expensive fast food out of convenience. Be supportive and nurturing in these sensitive situations. There is a loving way to go about it.

After going out on failed date after failed date, I have learned something- it may not be such a bad thing being single. I've noticed way too much emphasis is placed on money. I read how a lot of wives here are miserable because they are in a loveless marriage, but have all the luxury items they could possibly want. Then, there are those I mentioned who exclaim they will marry for money next time, this after they claim they already tried marrying for love and it failed. Well, the reason it failed is because it probably was not a marriage based on true love. I say that because I believe that if it was genuinely love, then you would still be together and not confessing to this blog. Those of you who are so proud to let the world know you are marrying for money the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th time, sound bitter to me. Seriously, if you are going to marry for money on your 3rd or 4th marriage, there might be more to your failed marriages than you are leading us to believe. That's a red flag to me indicating you are just as responsible for your failed marriages as your ex-husband is. If you seriously think that you are the victim after being married so frequently, then you are not in touch with reality.

To those of you who complain of your husband's small penis. If that's a problem for you, then why did you marry him to begin with? You knew that going into the marriage, right? Why didn't you think this long-term, huh? Same with anyone of you complaining about your sex life. The signs were there all along, so why did you chose to ignore them? Did it have to do with money? Did you think that his salary would compensate for it? The size of his house? The car he drives? What was it that you did not act like it was such a big deal to begin with, but now all of the sudden it is a problem?

For those of you women who are truly married to insincere men, I do apologize, but only to a point. I am sorry that you get made fun of your weight while you are pregnant. I do not condone that type of behavior after what all you are going through and doing for him by giving him a child- the most amazing gift any human being can give another. But, it's not like he just changed overnight. The signs were all there: he was a jerk to begin with- face it. Women, more often than not, are attracted to the jerk instead of the nice guy. I'd be willing to bet that at least 98% of those who have to endure that is because they married arrogant jerks to begin with. I'd guess about 1% of those men had something happen and they are taking it out on their wives in the form of verbal abuse- still inexcusable, but quite possibly the wives did not see it coming; i.e., possibly no signs to indicate their husbands would be like that. I say that because there is always the exception to the rule.

There is much more I'd like to say, but right now that's what is fresh on my mind. However, I would like to close with this:
I understand it takes money to make the world go around. It takes money to save for retirement, buy a home, etc... I understand that as it is the reality of things. I make a good enough living for myself and I am happy with my job. You know what that translates to me? I will never take a bad day out on you- ever. I would never do that anyway, but that is one less thing my possible future wife would never have to concern herself with. I know a lot of women want a man who is happy with his career because they know being happy on the job means being happy when coming home. That happiness spills over into the relationship. With me being happy, that means if you have a bad day, then I am there to help you forget about it- talk, get it off your chest, then relax. Ask me for a foot rub, back rub, massage, let you relax in a hot bath, or go down on you. Whatever you want to help make the day go away.
That brings me to another thing- sex. I thoroughly enjoy going down on a woman. Gives me almost as much pleasure as she gets from it. I'm not going to dare say I get as much pleasure from it as she does because I know better. I am open to discussion about any fantasies or desires you have. I would want us to enjoy being intimate with each other making one another happy.
See, us nice guys will never cheat on you, call you bad names, raise our voices to you in anger, lay a finger on you (because we could not live with ourselves knowing if we did that not only would our families find out about it, but so would our friends), or neglect your sexual needs nor would we ever dream of turning down your sexual advances.
We also know that it takes communication in order for the relationship to work. We may not make a ton of money, but if you'd only realize that it takes two incomes for the average household to survive these days. Are you willing to make that commitment? Are you willing to put in the same amount of effort as us nice guys are? Do you realize that whatever we ask of you is nothing more than what we ask of ourselves and what we probably already do? Think about it...
I am sure there are things that I have not been clear on and things that will be taken out of context. I sincerely mean no harm and no offense. I am genuine in stating that I am deeply concerned with the direction society appears to be heading. It makes me think that I might be better of giving up the dream of being in a monogamous marriage with someone whom I love unconditionally and she will love me unconditionally and we can raise a family together- either us having a child, or raising hers from a previous relationship. I wonder if there is anyone out there who will find me a good catch (which I am handsome- tall, working out, great smile, funny, not the least bit overweight, no pot belly, no love handles, etc... I just don't make a lot of money) and want to work at being happily married. I wonder if I should just avoid the hope altogether and just remain single- yeah, as if it's all up to me- haha! It's sad because the women I have dated, if they only would take the time to get to know me, they'd see my only downfall is what they are hung up on- money. I'd like to think I have everything else going for me.
Thanks for the read. I just wanted to voice my opinion on some things.

Take care and God bless.

Sincerely,
a nice man

Anonymous said...

Wow, that was quite the blog there, buddy. Thanks for the lecture. Perhaps you should consider reading the FAQs on this site. It is supposed to be a welcoming place to vent, not a place to be judged by "Nice Guys" like yourself. Have a lovely evening!

Anonymous said...

My one question is Why is a nice man reading blogs like this one? Then try to tell us what to do? You sound a bit full of yourself. My man is a nice man but he pisses me off at times just like I piss him off at times, too. I am the lucky one that gets to vent and move on. Nice man I think you need to find a nice woman, much like us here, and move on. take care
Me

Anonymous said...

Dear "Nice Man"

Thank you for your opinion. Now, go away.

We come here to vent, not to be judged. If you want to judge others, start your own blog.

Anonymous said...

I'm a woman, and I think marrying for money is a lame excuse for not wanting to work on what YOU bring to all your failed marriages. That's just my opinion.

Money != happiness

Neither does sex or love. Happiness is found within you... until you find it yourself, you will always be unhappy.

Louisa said...

Hey be nice. I actually kinda enjoyed reading that and think he is genuinely a nice guy ! He has a valid and worthwhile point. I have to give you credit nice guy for writing a clear and readable essay or debate points or whatever it can be called.
I will raise my hand as a single women and admit I have yet to find that "nice guy" and I have dated the wrong men BUT unlike a lot of women I have learnt my lesson I am not bitter nor do I hold a grudge. I have learnt what type of guy I truly do wnt to end up with as a women in her early 30's.
I also use this site as a learning tool in a strange way
So to the commentors who automatically shot this guy down ...just be nice he took the time he wrote out something very worthwhile and well thought out. He basically did what a huge amount of women on here complain their husbands/boyfriends/partners never do ...HE COMMUNICATED !! and then you decide to get all bitchy on him ??? come on get off your high horse and be nice...christ if I knew him after reading that I would date him ! lol

Anonymous said...

Louisa,
By all means, go ahead and date him! But just do us high horsers one favor: when you're sick to death of his pontificating and punishing you for his ex-wife's sins, come back and confess here. We will give you a virtual cup of tea and a shoulder to vent on.

Louisa said...

hey everyone is entittled to there opinions on here. Thats the joy of a site like this and blogs in general. I have to give this guy credit for coming on here and writing out what to me is a rational statement. I would not say that he is like every other man you all seem to compare him to as in : self rightious, punishing for previous wives sins, or cruel. I would say again he is doing exactly what a large amount of women on here complain about men not doing enough of ...communicating and commuincating effectively. It seems to me that some ( not all but some of you ) will never be happy no matter what a man does or say that you will find that one thing to complain about to find fault in and to be completely unsatisified with.
geuss what life is not easy and realtionships are not easy they are hard work and things that are worthwhile you put your backbone into. It seems to me this is the type of guy alot of women on here want they want a guy who puts his backbone and effort into something and mr nice guy above to me seems like the type that would do just that
again just my opinion which is the joy of this website and of blogs and free speech

Anonymous said...

Louisa:
Ummm. No. Just no. This isn't about freedom of speech. This isn't even about communication.
This is about male arrogance and privilege. This is not a nice man. This blog makes him uncomfortable, so he comes on here to lecture and waggle his finger at the silly hens on here. That is his male privilege and arrogance talking.
Superficially, he seems supportive, but really, he is blaming women the whole way. Read it again.
You might also want to read a few blogs like Feminism 101 and Shakesville, and realize how pervasive this attitude is, particularly among "Nice Guys".
As for your own freedom of speech, you're doing a lot of judging yourself, particularly considering you're not in a relationship. Dawn created this space specifically for wives (and women in long-term relationships) to vent. To say the unsayable. To get it out of their systems so they won't go nuts. Please read the FAQs. Her mission is very clear.

A man concerned with the current state of affairs said... said...

What I don't understand is why there is such a fuss about what I wrote? The comments are clearly moderated.

When I think of judging someone, I think of specifically picking on someone and making them feel as if they are wrong in their assessment and/or opinion. I am not telling anyone what they should or shouldn't do. I simply asked questions and offered ideas. And, if anyone read what I wrote, besides the moderator and Louisa, you would see I clearly include myself in similar areas that need attention. I have in no way tried to imply that I am full of myself. Quite the contrary. If you knew me, you'd know how wrong you obscenely wrong are. If I was full of myself, then I would be out at the bars trying to score so I can brag about my latest conquest. I would be taking half-naked pics of myself and posting them. FYI- I've never had a one-night stand. I don't believe in taking something as wonderful as sex for granted.

If you had also noticed, I clearly stated things also apply to us men. Some of you seem to have misread a lot of what I wrote, if not all of it. Not once did I clearly put the blame on any one woman. I clearly stated, "it takes two people to make a relationship work and it takes two to help destroy it." Then, I even put in my own experience of my one and only failed marriage to prove that I know it wasn't entirely her fault. If I had been a confident person, things might have turned out differently. But, because I didn't take action sooner, my ex-wife got into a hardcore drug and that was the end of that. I don't believe in the use of illegal drugs, so I immediately became a liability in her eyes.

And another thing, I don't hold any woman responsible for what I experienced with my ex-wife. Nor would I hold it against any other woman. Why would I? It is not fair for whoever to be punished for my ex-wife's actions. The same goes for me- why should I be held prisoner for what any woman's ex-husband/boyfriend did to her? It would not be fair. It would be prejudice, and that's just not right. Why would I wish to be married, but constantly berate a woman for things she never even did to me? It does not make any sense whatsoever.

Why would a man read this blog? The answer is fairly obvious- to try and understand life. To try and see things from a different perspective. To gain wisdom and understanding with regards to women. Is that so wrong? Since when isn't a man allowed to read this blog and why does it bother you so?
Yes, I understand this is a place for women to vent (I can read the title) which is why it would make no sense for me to write in as a confession, but it makes perfect sense to comment on things written in this blog. I am sure Dawn did not desire this blog to be read by women and women alone. In fact, I am sure she appreciates a man's input here that is non-threatening. I am clearly not attacking anyone, nor belittling anyone. I have not called anyone names or been rude. I have been honest, not only with you ladies, but with myself.

Maybe what I wrote hit close to home and is fairly accurate for some women. I clearly stated how it breaks my heart how some of you are being treated. I am saddened when I read how some women are made fun of when they are pregnant. It really does make me sad when I hear awful things like that. And, I think it is sad that I have been treated so rudely when I thought I was being supportive to women on a lot of things I wrote. For example, "there are wives who do what they can to stay in shape while their husbands let themselves go." And, "what have you both done to remain physically attractive to each other?" I can see why you would not be attracted to a man who has let himself go. And, for any man to think his wife will go back to having the body she had prior to giving birth to a child is fooling himself. There is absolutely nothing (and I cannot stress that enough) wrong for a woman to have curves. It is one of the many wonderful things that give a woman her femininity. In my opinion, so many women look even better after they have had a child.

For those of you who are so upset by what I wrote. Go back and re-read it. You are taking it how you want to instead of how/why it was written. All I ask is you be open-minded to the fact that I am giving you a perspective from an unbiased man's point of view for a change and it is not your husband's point of view, whom a great deal of you strongly dislike.

Dawn- thank you for letting me post my comments here.
Louisa- thank you for reading what I wrote and seeing it for what it is and why it was written.

Thank you,
a nice man

Louisa said...

To all the women above please tell me you have re read what nice guy has said because seriously it is the most genuine thing written in a long time by a man. If you still believe he is a arrogant repressive man then frankly you need to seek some form of therapy. I have re read it and read it to a few female friends as well ( note: independent,strong willed high earning well educated women) and they as well say he is indeed a nice guy. I read some of the above comments made and I basically had a flash back to 80's militant feminisism and it is terrifying to read . Mr nice guy there are nice girls out there ( like myself) who are both independent, smart witty,self assured and NOT militant feminist lol lol we do exist. Your very welcome. Dawn thanks for posting these comments ! ( sorry for running paragraph laptop acting up ! )

Anonymous said...

i confess... i have cheated, i have been cheated on, i have hurt, i have been hurt. do i like myself or my ex for any of it, no. was any of it worth it? no. one thing i learned was to really try/work at my relationships. men are like big stupid dogs. their needs are simple. sex, food, sleep. women are complex creatures who need more. Problem is men/dogs dog don't know this without being taught. we need to let them know. we can't hold in our unhappiness and expect happiness...

Anonymous said...

2786: There is nothing to add to your confession. As an outsider looking in, I'm sorry for your circumstance and your pain and sadness. It is a sad story. You have things more than figured out, so I wish you well in your personal pursuit of a new happiness.

2789: Yes. You're a full-time employee and he only works nights and weekends. Find another full-time employee.

Now, to Mr. Nice Guy: God, there is no way to communicate this in a way that will be understood but it won't be for lack of trying (this blog may have just birthed a troll.) The short of it: from one nice person to another nice person, please take my well-reasoned advice to avoid this blog and refrain from commenting further. The long of it: You are sincere, genuine, nice, good-looking, extremely reasonable, communicative, sensitive, very well-intentioned, and in just about every other way believe that you project decency and friendly debate and discussion. You are also blind to your own (in varying degrees) pride, arrogance, superiority (yes, even with all the self-effacing examples from your own life,) self-righteousness, ego, and inability to discern any wisdom from all of your knowledge. Not all of these things are bad, especially of someone of your age and circumstance, but they are the red flags that you talk about other women not seeing. Most of the married women confessing and reading here see them a mile off and have had enough of men in their lives waving those red flags proudly. You see only a white flag of truce, but I cannot emphasize enough that the color you wave in your posts is bright red. You do not see it. We do. So please do not comment again with many paragraphs explaining that it really isn't what it is.

Anonymous said...

2785: wow. I'm from another world, I guess. I and all of my girlfriends are financially independent. We stay with our husbands mainly because we love them.

I don't mean to say any of us have perfect marriages. A couple of us have been divorced, and some of us are in counselling.

I guess I'm just surprised and saddened by the idea of these marriages held together only by money. How does that happen? Is it because you all have kids--does the time spent away from work make it that hard to get back in?

I guess my marriage is in better shape than I thought--at least by my standards, although I don't mean to judge yours, as you're obviously staying for reasons that make sense to you. Thanks for a window into a very different life.

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm....I posted here recently after a particularly nasty fight my husband and I had. I needed to unload and I needed to be brutally honest. That honestly included things that I knew would damage our relationship further. I don't feel I am wrong to have secrets inside in relation to my feelins about my own relationship.

Mr. Nice Guy is nice, yes, but too practical. Relationships are often started based strictly on emotion and infatuation. Yes, we may get to know our future spouses and their potential flaws, but no one truly knows what marriage is like until they are in the throes of it. Until they add in babies and weight gain and stressful jobs and medical conditions and in-laws and simple, unexplainable falling in and out of love. There is no check list that keeps us in love. Our chemical and hormonal make-up prevent the excitement from the first 6-12 months from ever lasting forever.

I still have hope for my marriage....I don't intend to leave....I want to be in love again and I want to remain commited. BUT....but, but, but...the truth is, I was younger (27) when I walked down the isle and I have changed. I have become more comfortable with who I am and so maybe, just maybe, some of my own discontent is not b/c of the superficial, but b/c maybe I should have married someone more like me? Maybe I would have seen things I truly didn't see. Maybe I thought that things would work themselves out b/c we loved each other?

I didn't marry someone else though.....b/c I was young and naive and learning and "in love".

Love does not take on the practical approach that you would like it to, and that is what probably puts most of the commenters on here off when it comes to you. You have obviously learned the life lesson of divorce, for whatever reason and so to come on here and give a line by line lesson on how to maintain a good relationship, is just....well it's like sort of naive or arrogant...I'm not sure which.

On a more snarky or critical note....I personally think that you (nice man) were very bothered by the topic of money. You have made it very clear that you have everything but money.....and that, to me, is your greatest insecurity and why you are looking for someone to please so religiously and to never be upset with. You simply want unconditional love and as you already know....it is rare.

I'm not mad at you Nice Guy.....I just think that maybe your comment was more of a confession for you than you realize.

Signed....
A former commenter, current reader, sometimes disgruntled wife....

Anonymous said...

10:29 p.m. - well said!!!!

Anonymous said...

2755 here. My description of my 5 marriages was just a pithy one-sentence way of summing up the differences. But if you read the comments after that post, you would have seen that I am very much in love with this man, and actually more so than I've ever experienced in the past. I would have married him even if he was flat broke.

Funny how that struck a chord with Mr. Nice Guy.

Anonymous said...

I love that "Mr. Nice Guy" is basically blaming women for anything that their husbands do wrong. Your husband won't sleep with you? You must be fat and ugly! Your husband is mean to you? Well, you should have known he was a jerk when you married him -- you probably rejected a nice guy like Mr. Nice Guy to be with said jerk, and Mr. Nice Guy doesn't want you to forget it! Your husband refuses to be financially responsible? You should stop being so materialistic!

I'm so glad my boyfriend is a genuinely nice guy -- sweet, supportive, intelligent -- and not a wimpy, whiny, passive-aggressive, victim-blaming asshole like "Mr. Nice Guy."

Anonymous said...

*Gives 10:09 a standing ovation*

Anonymous said...

I need to confess something, but I am too afraid to email it in :(

A Crone Too Soon said...

9:52 PM Anonymous: I was married for 13 years before I had children. At 20 years of marriage, I realized that I didn't love (or even like) the man I was married to, but at that point, I had two small kids, and there was no way I could leave him, and provide my children with a good life on my own. So I stayed, miserable and alone, because my childrens welfare was more important than my happiness.

Fast forward to year 36 of this marriage - we live like roommates. He has his room, I have mine. He is impotent and refuses to go to the doctor. Our kids are still with us, working and putting themselves through college. Huz and I have found a way to be comfortable with one another (except for the occasional fight about money).

I never thought that I would be 55 years old and celibate, but there it is. The years and illness have taken their toll on my body - there are no men lined up to have an affair with. I miss having a lover, but the effort to go out and find one is just too much at this point.

There are hundreds of good reasons why women stay in a relationship because of money. Some are able to reach a point of semi-happiness (as I have), some aren't. The main reason for them staying, I would say, is their children, and the fear that leaving will make life worse for the kids than staying.

You are fortunate to be in love with your husband. I sincerely hope you always remain so. Your love for one another is a rare jewel. I envy you.

Sarah said...

Confession #2785
I am 24 yrs old, and my hubby is 25. We are both financially well. I don't even think of leaving him cause i have money. I dream of winning the lottery and sharing our lives with that money. I can't believe how selfish people can be. Both men and women. It's kind of sad actually.

Anonymous said...

Yay! Another know-it-all, I did it right perfectionist! Yay Sarah! PS.....You are 24 years old...that says it all! Good Luck!

Anonymous said...

3:39: (:52 here. Your kids are lucky to have you, and I hope they can understand what you've given up for them, and give you something in return.

A Crone Too Soon said...

2:16 Anonymous - Thanks for your kind words. My kids know the situation between their father and me, and they are very appreciative of all they have, as well as very supportive. They're great kids, and they're very good to me. Having them makes it all worthwhile.

Anonymous said...

to "A Crone Too Soon": my brother-in-law recently told my husband and I that he and his wife lived the same way - separate bedrooms, just as roommates, little communication. He said they just grew apart, but neither wanted to divorce and split up the assets. Their youngest child is 17 now. Anyway, my BIL passed away very recently, and apparently he died in his bedroom alone and his wife didn't find him until the next morning, at which time he was stiff and cold. Apparently he had an aneurysm, which he knew about, but didn't tell anyone, not even his wife. My husband was devastated about his brother's death, but even more so about how he had been living. He said he couldn't understand why someone would choose to live such a lonely life, with a person they don't even communicate with. Personally I can understand it, but I didn't realize how common that situation is. My husband and I have plenty of problems of our own, but I hope we never get to that point. You never know though.

Anonymous said...

2785 - 9:52 PM may be surprised and saddened at the idea of marriages held together by money, but she doesn't know how it is for women (like myself) who aren't as financially independent as she is.

I was completely financially independent until I lost my job four years ago. At the time I was living with the man I'm now married to and sharing expenses. Losing a well paying job isn't just about the money, it's also (at least for me) about losing your sense of "self" and a good deal of self confidence.

My then-boyfriend didn't want me to return to work, and I was only too happy to jump on the stay-at-home wife-to-be bandwagon. A year later we were married and I realized I'd become completely financially dependent on him.

Now six years later, I've exhausted any money I'd saved while working, and have even sold off personal posessions to help us live. My husband's cheated on me, and lies to me regularly. And I'm 100% stuck.

And before some of you go pointing fingers saying "could'a - should'a - would'a" until you've walked in my pumps, keep your "I'd never be dependent on a man" to yourselves.

Losing your job in your late 40's and staying out of the work force the next 6 years is VASTLY DIFFERENT and much more difficult than losing your job at 21 and staying out of the workforce till you're 26 or 27.

Finding work as a 51 year old woman competing for jobs with 20 and 30 year olds is daunting and disappointing.

If I won the lottery or came into a big inheritance tomorrow I'd be SOOOOOOOO out of here, and I'd never look back. But until and unless that happens, I'm staying where I am ... with a roof over my head and clothes on my back.

If that makes me some kind of sell out or prostitute in the eyes of some of you holier than thou ladies, well, I guess I am. But I suspect there are more ladies like me out there than will admit it.

And to those of you who insist it'll never happen to you ... I can only say; keep your fingers crossed and your promises to yourself!

Anonymous said...

Here Here 3:20 pm. I learned a long time ago, never say never and don't tell someone what you won't put up with. Every day life comes fast and furious and we all do things we arent' always happy about, but we dont even realize that we are staying because we have to. Honestly, I think the man who first started this posting is learning a few lessons in life here. Hopefully he learns we aren't bad people, just real.

marilee said...

To 3:20pm speaking to comments by 2785 AMEN SISTER! If I knew then what I know now I'd have done a lot of things different; at the very least I'd have begun skimming money off my "allowance" a hell of a lot sooner, and I would've started playing the lottery the first time my husband of 8 yrs cheated on me. Do I love him? Yes, as stupid as that may sound. But is it LOVE that keeps me here? Nope, I stay because I don't have the resources to go. But when I do ... color me gone. 3:20p - you have my profound admiration.

Lia said...

To everyone who has read Mr. Nice Guy's comments (and Mr. Nice Guy himself):

There is nothing wrong with a man trying to understand women. Every woman wants her man to understand her! Or at least to TRY. Admit it, ladies- we do enjoy mystifying males a little bit, and we don't want to give up all our secrets. Sometimes it's nice to have a private club, after all.

Yes, this is a blog for women. No, Mr. Nice Guy doesn't have the required parts. That doesn't mean we couldn't use the male perspective. And his perspective is perfectly reasonable! Anyone complaining about it simply does not understand what he is saying. Read it again, or better yet, find something else to talk about.

There are many different types of people in this world, and many different types of women posting here. I hate to say it, but the women finding fault with Mr. Nice Guy's post are the ones who make all of us look bad. They're upset that this 'private club' has allowed a male to peek in and see its inner workings, and they're seeing sinister motives where there are none. Newsflash: he's not the only man reading these. And it doesn't matter how many men read or post here. Aren't we all looking for understanding and acceptance and compassion? Giving men an inside look can only help us, not hurt us. Women, save the bitchiness for something important, like when your man leaves the toilet seat up at night and you fall in.

Mr. Nice Guy, just as there are nasty and irrational men, there are nasty and irrational women. (As I'm sure you've already figured out, thanks to your ex. And the women making vicious comments.) But there are also kind and reasonable women, just as there are kind and reasonable men. (Yes, ladies, they do exist! I've got one.) Don't let the nasty ones get you down.

Anonymous said...

Lia, when I think of how women undermine other women, you come to mind. Go ahead and coddle the entitled jerks, while the rest of us pay the price. He won't learn a damn thing about respecting women's rights to get angry or to vent, or just to stop pretending everything is hunky-dory while we get treated like shit by the men who supposedly love us. The anger may make you uncomfortable, but guess what? It's not about you. And it's not about him.
And since he's all about there being another side of the story, I would love to hear the ex's, who you already dismissed so quickly as "nasty and irrational."

Anonymous said...

This was my favorite part of that concerned man's post...

"We also know that it takes communication in order for the relationship to work. We may not make a ton of money, but if you'd only realize that it takes two incomes for the average household to survive these days. Are you willing to make that commitment? Are you willing to put in the same amount of effort as us nice guys are? Do you realize that whatever we ask of you is nothing more than what we ask of ourselves and what we probably already do? Think about it..."

Right, because everyone knows men take on the lion's share of the work in a relationship. There are no women who work full time, then come home to take all responsibility for childcare, housework, cooking etc. Not to mention the emotional work in a relationship. When I meet a man who asks me to do "nothing more than he asks of himself" I will put my feet up and wait for dinner to be served while playing a video game. Good times!