Wednesday, August 20, 2008

True Wife Confessions Act V

Confession #041

I'm tired of our lives revolving around the projects you have going on at work. I hate that we can't even plan something on a Sunday because you usually have to do some work that weekend. Why don't you grow a pair and tell your clients "no, I can't work on Sunday. I want to spend time with my child and wife." You certainly have no problem telling your child and wife "No. I can't spend time with you on Sunday. I need to call the client and do a few hours of work."

Confession #042

We've been married for 25 years and I've contemplated leaving you for 23 of them. I stay for the security.

Confession #043

You know how you tell everyone that raw garlic gives you a migraine? I cook with it all the time when you are not looking, and you never get a headache!

Confession #044

You work really hard honey and so do I, BUT because I no longer work outside the home, you and others, think I don't have a 'real job'. So when you sometimes bring home cash and shove it in your sock drawer, I occassionally take $100 bill because you never notice one missing now and again. I figure since I have to turn your smelly work socks right side out to wash them, I deserve it!

Confession #045

When you ask me how much money I have on me at any given time, I'm lying through my teeth. If you ask, and I say that I have $10, I really have closer to $30. If I say that I have no money, it usually means I have about 5 bucks. When you ask how much money we have in the bank, I usually tell you $200 less than what we actually have.
I do this so that you don't bleed us dry financially buy purchasing even more DVDs and assorted guy-crap.

Confession #046

When I want to go out with a girlfriend, last minute, and you happen to have last minute plans as well, I act as though I told you weeks earlier, so I get my way. Half the time you don't listen to me anyway, or you forget about plans, so my convincing act always gets me out of the house.

Confession #047

It's very sweet that you want to build things around
the house and make carpentry repairs and such. I'm
down with letting you feel all manly if that's what it
takes. But honey, this sort of thing is not one of
those skills you have just because you are blessed
with a Y chromosome. If you don't know how to build
it or fix it, just say so! We can hire someone who
can do it right, who won't screw it up or make it look
totally half-assed! Dude, that treehouse...!

Confession #048

If I want you to wear a particular item of clothing for a certain event, then I simply place said item of clothing within easy reach. You will, without fail, wear the pants on the top of the pile, or the shirt that is hanging just within arm's reach. Much easier than fighting with you about wearing that godawful orange linen shirt AGAIN!

Confession #049

Rinsing your mouth with Listerine is not the same as brushing your teeth.

Confession #50

Sometimes I pretend I am not feeling well after a long day at work just so that you will take the kids to their activities. I just want to stay home and read my book.


Anonymous said...

To #041
Im sorry to say.. that is just an excuse.. he can stop working of sundays but much rather work then spend time with u and ur child its a shame but true.

Anonymous said...

to 043

If you cook raw garlic then its not raw anymore!So no headaches?Hmmmmm

Anonymous said...

Love the return to the good old days! The early confessions were more assertive & irreverant, rather than the whinge fest the later ones all eventually became.

This is totally the reason I started reading, and the reason I wondered why I still was later on.


Anonymous said...

049 - I could have written that! I thought my hubby was the only one that did that - it drives me CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

"Dude, that treehouse...!" That cracked me UP!!! LOL!!

Jodi Anderson said...

I can't believe how many of these I could have written!!

Krissy said...

Love reading all the archives!! Keep 'em coming!

Tamara said...

I finally get a chance to read some older posts and catch up to your most recent! You are so RIGHT to be so funny! Or is it the other way around?
I DO know....that is so true...Listerine dammit is NOT the same as brushing your teethe.I was waiting for you to add that ALSO: it's NOT cool to find your toothebrush wet when it should be dry.I know me and my EX kissed and swapped spit and all...But DO NOT use my freakin toothebrush dude..that's NOT ok.
Your so good at hitting the nail on the head