Wednesday, August 13, 2008

True Wife Confessions Volume 4

Confession #031

I knew the food you were cooking was going to burn that time. I didn't
tell you because it bugs the crap out of me that you "cook" by putting
things in a pan and going upstairs to surf the Internet, expecting me to
watch it.

Confession #032

I get so pissed at you, dear spouse, when you are late for dinner because you've been out running with your buddies. Yes, I know I tell you how I agree that your running should be a priority, it's important to get exercise, blah blah blah. But I've been with the kids all day, the baby is screaming for dinner, and I don't give a shit if you develop a pot belly because you're not getting your run in after work. Get your ass home ON TIME!

Confession #033

You kiss like a fish drowning. I don't know who told you to kiss like that, but it is Terrible. I HATE kissing you, which is why I avoid it whenever possible.

Confession #034

Sometimes when I get home from work and I know you have beaten me home,
and I also know that my keys are located somewhere at the bottom of the
abyss that is my bag/pocketbook, I ring the bell and make you come out and
answer the door because I am too tired to be bothered to dig for them.
I'll tell you "I think" I left them in the apartment.

Confession #035

Yes, sometimes when you think I'm helpless and/or clueless as to how to complete a task that gets put off on you, I really know how to do it. Since I cook your dinner and clean up after you after working all day, not to mention cutting the grass when you have to work on weekends, I figure it's your turn to do something besides eat, sleep, play video games, and take a shower at home. Get over it.

Confession #036

I will tell you we cannot afford something for you and then I'll spend twice
as much on something for me and tell you I've had it all along. You owe me
and aren't smart enough to realize it.

Confession #037

Yes, sometimes I make you pay someone to clean house, but since you're no more gung-ho than I am about washing dishes by hand or scrubbing toilets, don't complain. You get to pay teenage boys when you don't want to mow grass, so either bite my ass or clean it yourself!

Confession #038

When you leave to go to the convenience store that I can see from our back yard, and it takes you 2 hours to come home with whatever I asked you to pick up while you are there, I get this amazing urge to choke the life out of you. Especially if I've sent you after food or drink. If I wanted it in two hours, after it's cold, I'd go get it myself in two hours. Quick fucking around and bring me my caffeine and double bacon cheeseburger, you idiot, before the wrath of my period rains down on you full force!

Confession #039

I find your relationship with your mother disturbingly co-dependent. This
is why I don't tell you when she calls and I erase the voicemails. I've
might have also read the mail she sends you before you do.

Confession #040

Yes, I hear our dogs barking at 5 AM Saturday morning, begging to be put out on the leash, but considering you passed out in your recliner as soon as you ate dinner, leaving me to clean up the kitchen, I figure I get to sleep late. Now get up and take the little yapping bastards outside!


Anonymous said...

These comments are why I started reading TWC! I'm loving the look back, Dawn.

Anonymous said...

Bwahahaha, #37 reminds me of the look on my ex's face when I asked to borrow his weedeater to do my new yard. He thought I didn't know how. I KNEW, but I'd be damned if I was going to admit it to him, after all the whining he did about how the yard was all his responsibility and it took SO much time that he couldn't help me in the house.

Anonymous said...

I guess we can all let the cats out of the bags.

Attention: most of the time when men act clueless about cooking, ironing, anything with babies, getting "lost" while driving to places we probably don't want to go anyway, doing things wrong so you'll rarely ask us to do them, etc., we're playing dumb. None of that stuff is difficult, but it's annoying to have to do so we leave the bulk of it to our housekee....wives and just chalk up the resulting whining and complaining as the cost of doing business.

Man, glad to see it's not just us...we all play the game.

Damn, life's funny.

Anonymous said...

Tee hee, Anonymous Number three -- you're funny. HOwever, I usually catch on when my husband claims not to be able to find something -- because he's an infantry officer. ("So, let's get this straight. You were able to find Anbar Province while driving through the desert in Iraq AT NIGHT, but you're UNABLE TO LOCATE the preschool in our neighborhood in order to drop our child off? Does your commanding officer know about this?") THe thing about lying and fibbing is it still needs to be consistent.

Anonymous said...

re:#033 I know what you speak of! He also fails miserably at oral sex. I wonder if the two are related. :)