Sunday, October 28, 2012

True Wife Confessions 329 Hero series

Confession #3291

I can't live like this. I can't live being made to feel inferior. I don't care that we're broke, I don't care that we're homebodies. I just need respect. I need to be treated like I matter. I don't need us to make more money, I'm fine with where we are...I don't need more date nights or more dinners out. I need you to SEE me. I can't be invisible anymore. You're breaking me. I have so little left to give. You can have it all...every last scrap of me. But I cannot live like this. I CAN. NOT. LIVE THIS WAY. Please...come back to me. I miss you so badly it hurts. Come back to us....I know we have your body but we need your spirit and love. Come home.

Confession #3292

Just because I am more spiritual than you are doesn't mean I'm into "woo woo voodoo shit." I accept your journey and I just wish you'd accept mine.  I'm sorry you were raised a half-assed Catholic and I'm sorry that you are so brainwashed that you think that anything other than scientific "fact" is "of the devil." I had no idea what a fundamentalist I was with when we first started dating. It's scary how afraid you are of me learning how to empower myself. F--k science! Whatever happened to living from the heart -- from personal experience? Or are you too dead to feel anything besides your penis? Besides, there is ever increasing reasearch to show that there is a scientific basis for the law of attraction, reiki, energy healing, and the abundance mindset. I wish you'd look that up on Wikipedia instead of using it to disprove everything I believe. It sucks that you feel that the only reason I am interested in spirituality is because I am dysfunctional and crazy, while you, in your imaginary perfection have no weakness and have no need to seek anything outside of yourself. I feel sorry for you. I just wish you'd be more open-minded. It's especially the worst when you discredit my need to take workshops or classes that broaden my mind and help me create a sense of empowerment and well-being. I am not "wasting your money" when I take a retreat or hire a life coach. I work too, and by my count you only earn about $200 more than me each week! I just wish you'd get with the program and start living from abundance instead of from scarcity and lack. Your negativity is killing me and preventing me from moving forward in my life and in my career. And why is it that you never clean up unless I ask you to? The choice between living in a total pigsty or me doing all of the cleaning is not really a choice for me. You're damned lucky the sex is still FANTASTIC. 

Confession #3293

Remember when you came home and saw the shattered glass all over the floor next to you computer because I saw some porn again? The frame that held our wedding invitation from 19 years ago. Well, I wished I spread it all over your bed, under the sheet so you could have laid on it and have a bloody back, you asshole. You will feel the pain you have put me through. Karma or God whichever will do the work on you. You are already lazy and are putting the family in tremendous debt, you also keep hurting me with your porn addiction.
One day, I will leave, just waiting for my bonus :)  I won't give you a hint, you'll just see me and the boys gone. I can afford to live by myself and take care of the boys. Who wants a jerk who keeps fucking my life and finances up? You have degraded yourself and you have a nerve to serve at church and lead out in worship at home and talk about GOD!!! You are one messed up son of a bitch!

Confession #3294

It was one of the worse decisions in my life. I cheated on you and I honestly don’t know why. So what you’re not as affectionate as I’d like you to be. You can be cheap (like refusing to buy me popcorn when you take me to a movie), too religious (God forbid I miss church) and not as friendly with my friends as you should be. But you have so many great qualities.  I am so in love with you. I am. I just wanted some attention. I asked you if you wanted to go to a movie and you replied that you wish I wasn’t so spontaneous. UH? It’s a movie date not a sudden desire to visit the South Pacific! I told  you to kiss me more, you can’t because it arouses you.  So, I did the unthinkable and cheated. It was disgusting! I want to snatch my vagina off and throw it away. He’s an old high school friend that I reconnected with very briefly in my 20’s.  He’s married and a gigolo.  I picked a winner! He picked me up for ‘lunch’ and I asked him to kindly put the Bible that he had in the front of the car in the trunk. He took me to his mother’s house and served me leftovers. LMAO!! What am I 12? I was too embarrassed to ask him to just take me back to work.  We made our way down to the basement. I asked for a drink. He cautioned that I had to return to work. I laughed dryly and sipped the cheap wine poured. Anything to get through this! I should have asked for NOVACAINE!  He laid me on a  child’s day bed that had a talking Rug Rat doll on it. I accidently pressed the doll at some point. The doll responded by asking if I wanted to sing a song? Read a book? Think happy thoughts? Anything but witness what was taken place.

The kissing was great. Then he took his clothes off. We aren’t in our 20’s anymore, he should have been less eager. He was uncircumcised. Disgusting, but he was clean. I told him we should just stick to oral. He ‘sucked’ (pun intended) and not in a good way. At some point he reached for the condom and I could barely feel him. He rotated his hips like a hula dancer and if I wasn’t so disappointed in myself I would have laughed myself into a self-induced coma!  He soon got up and complained that the bed was too small (so he and the bed have something in common) and he had a cramp. I realized from the condom that he had cum. When did that happen? He didn’t make a sound. It was all disturbingly disgusting.  You know I don’t like quiet climaxes.

I immediately asked for a wash cloth and the direction to the bathroom. He said that the next time we’d get a hotel. He’d take me to lunch. There’s this restaurant that I would love. He has no idea THERE WILL NEVER BE A NEXT TIME! I even unfriended him on Facebook!

I went home to you, my husband. When you walked through the door that evening after work I hugged you. I showered twice before you got home. I held you all night and laid my head on your chest. I’m taking you to a movie tonight and buying the popcorn. See, I’m so in love with you. I really am. You are kind and gentle. You make love to me like no man has ever done before. You bring out the best in me. You’re renovating our home with your own hands. You support me and make me want to be better. I love you. I love you. I love you.  Even if the stupid mistake had been better. Even if he had done everything right in a nice sized bed I would have felt the same.  I didn’t get anything out of this but guilt. May God forgive me.

Confession #3295

If I would have known 16 years ago all the hell that would come our way after we said I do, would I say I do again? Hell yeah!!! Simply because no one else has loved me as well as you, accepted me for the person I am flaws and all, and decided to hold my hand and walk beside me step for step. I love you sunshine buckle up buddy this ride ain't over yet, we've got a lot of years left to see what all those " what if's" turn out to be!!!

Confession #3296

I am not sure how much longer I can take this. I try and try and just can't get your attention. I come to bed every night hoping that tonight will be the night that you decide to have a moment of passion, and night after night I fall asleep wondering how much longer i can deal with this. I'm I the bad one for thinking that sex is an extremely important part of a marriage? I sometimes feel I'm being ungrateful because you are sweet, caring, a good provider, considerate, and most of all a great father, but somehow you forget that I'm a woman who would love to be touched by her husband. I'm terrified of one day waking up and hating you and resenting you for being this way for the past ten years. I'm afraid one day I might think that it's not worth it and that my kids will be fine if things don't workout between us. I have tried everything and I can't get through to you, you just don't get it. I don't want a best friend, or a provider, I want a man.

Confession #3297

The day I met you, I knew I was going to marry you. You and I were so different, yet so alike.
It took a lot of you asking for my number before I gave in. I knew the moment I did that things would go very fast for us. Three months later we were engaged. And the wedding was dated three months after that. Four days before the wedding we found out we were pregnant.

There was a year and a half that our marriage was very rough. Fighting a lot, saying a lot of hurtful things to one another. In this time many people decide to give up or to cheat. I never once became unfaithful to you. I knew that I am meant to be with you and God would work out the rest.

Instead I made a different decision. I decided to get closer to God. Since I have decided that, I have taken time to realize what I could do to be a better wife. This made a dramatic change in our relationship. You actually noticed and you tried harder to be a better husband. And then the big turnaround was you deciding to get closer to God also.

Since we have been growing in our relationship with God, our relationship together has been the best in a long time. It’s not perfect we have moments, but the moments are rare and not hurtful toward each other. I enjoy our time together again. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you. Thank you for being an amazing father to our son and daughter, and an amazing husband. I love you more than you could even imagine.

The reason why I guess I am posting this really is because this really helped us. So many people think the grass is greener on the other side. What you need to realize is that no one is perfect. Everyone has flaws. Stop looking at what your spouse could do different and begin to change yourself. How could you expect someone to change if you aren’t willing to.

Above all if you’re married DON’T CHEAT. Do you really expect good things to happen in your life by doing wrong??? So many people go about things so wrong. Change yourself, do right and good things will follow.

Confession #3298

It doesn't matter that you are doing everything right.  It isn't about us right now.  It is about the mental prison I am in right now.  He was the anchor that kept the women of my family from killing each other.  His death has broken me in ways I am unable to articulate.  I cannot let go and let vent to my grief, I keep hearing their voices and judgement of how I grieved my father.  I start to cry and the voices come and I choke it back.  You told me today my words were poison and I know you are right, I am drowning in it.  You hold me and I cannot get close enough.  I want to let go and to sob and to wail and grieve but for once I find it hard to let go.  Me, the woman who can clear a box of kleenex at a screening of a sappy movie, fights every single tear that tries to fall and when I do?   I feel ill and I can hear them telling me to stop being so dramatic.  And I can see you watching me and wanting to take the hurt away and knowing you can't and you make me tea... your pots of tea are keeping me afloat and from destroying everything around me.  Just keep making tea, and I promise once I can truely let go and mourn I'll be back with you changed but yours.

Confession #3299

Ever since you got that awful job, you have acted like a bastard. Even when you quit the job and we moved to your dream retirement home, we've been unhappy together. 

Just now I asked you "When is the dog's appointment?" You said "I don't know why you haven't made it already." So I went and made the appointment. You interrupted me when I was on the phone, asked me to ask the receptionist a question, then got mad at me when I said to her "I'm supposed to ask you..." You walked out and slammed the door.

Apparently you think that the wording "I'm supposed to ask you" makes you look like a horrible micromanaging bully to the person I'm talking to. Well, you are.  

I said "If you don't like the way I make appointments, you can make the next one yourself," and you said "I was going to, but you came bustling out all big-sister, let me do it, let me let me." Don't you remember? I did it because you said "I don't know why you haven't made it already." 

You change the rules on me like that at least once a day. It's like living with Joan Crawford.  

I might go to a motel tonight. I really do wish I hadn't married you. For four years I've been pretty much in hell every day. I don't know why you don't like me, but after four years of this, the feeling is mutual.

Confession #3300

We are newlyweds but have been together for six years yet I feel like after marrying you I want to beat the living shit out of you. NO we cannot afford a BMW. Thanks for consulting me on that even though you have no clue what our financial situation is. Yes you make the money but I work the magic with it. You cannot even open your god damn mail. And when you it's only to open a fucking credit card behind back and max it out. Forget the penny pinching I have been doing for months to pay your bullshit off while I paying my shit off too.
I love that you are a hard worker. I really appreciate you working 60 hours weeks for us to barely get by. But I do work two jobs and have to come home and clean and cook you dinner! You are so supportive of me.  Just when I feel like we can't work any longer and you want to leave I won't let you. Part of me wishes you would leave. But I don't know what I would do without you. It's like a sick twisted love/hate relationship.
Lately, our fights about money are becoming so common. I dread Fridays when I check to see what amount was deposited in the account and it barely enough to buy the groceries.  Yet I have to get a fucking Title pawn to pay rent. Never did I think we would be heading down this road.  Our  fights have become increasingly more physical. I just want to punch the shit out of you for all your lies. I will do better. I promise. I am sorry I was just living in the moment. It's time to grow the fuck up. I don't know where you spend your paycheck or where it goes but I am sick of being left with the scraps. I cannot wait to go back and finish college. I feel like all I do is nag you and am going to drive you away. But you stay. You are my rock even though not the most dependable somehow I always comes back to you. I don't know if I need to get off this crazy train or stay along for the ride. Either way, we can't go on like this. Putting our hands on each other is not acceptable by any means even though deep down I am glad I punched you in the chin. You deserved it. You always are putting us in tight spots. I want to stand by you and believe we can get through this together. I feel like I have too much invested in this relationship to quit. Even though you tell me I can do better than you (I honestly think I can) I don't want to. I love you for some stupid fucking reason. Even though you are two inches shorter than me and people say we are the odd couple I FUCKING LOVE YOU. QUIT DOING DUMB SHIT WITH YOUR MONEY AND WE WOULD BE FINE. GROW THE FUCK UP ALREADY.


Anonymous said...

3294, thank you.

Anonymous said...

Husbands should read this blog to realize what they put there wife through and understand what they are feeling before the person you can never replace walks out the door. It happened to myself 6 mnths ago and the pain from my mistakes is still and will always be there. Reading peoples confessions helps you understand what mistakes someone may make, which helps you forgive your spouse and grow as a couple. It takes a persons action to get a reaction to cause many of these situations. Or maybe it helps you realize that it may not work from the start. What you should
understand is that you need to communicate at all times no matter the circumstances. The anger and pain I put my wife through stopped us from communicating. Reading many of the confessions helped me look at things differntly. It really comes down to respect your wife and be a man. I love my wife so very much and do not know what to do without her. When you can forgive someone no matter what they did. You can never replace them in your heart. Im sorry for evthng and I LOVE YOU! !!!!

Constance said...

I miss your posting here, Dawn! It was always great to read. Please come back:)