To my beloved.. You were and still are the love of my short life. I honestly think we were meant to be. Like we promised that one evening on the Ferris wheel.. We were soulmates. But you couldn't take the pain and handle the separation when I went off to school and when I couldn't afford to come home as often as I wanted to. I feel like you blame me. That look in your eyes.. When I mentioned I was working with a guy on a project... I never left you. I loved you with all my soul.. but.. You gave up on the love we had. I'm sorry I wasn't meaningful enough.
And to the young man I'm seeing now.. I'm sorry these feelings for the other still exist. It hurts me too when you talk about her too.. But that's how and why we meant. I know you will always love her, and I'm okay with that. I want to fall in love you. I worry that I'm not because.. Again, It's a distance relationship. Then I smile and think about how I put up with your pro-wrestling obsession because it makes you happy.. And your happiness makes me laugh and smile.
I think about him everyday, even though it's been more than two years since I've seen him and longer than that since I kissed him. The worst thing about having an affair and deciding to stay with you isn't the guilt, which at times was overwhelming. It's knowing that there is something--someone--else, someone who is smart and funny and passionate about a cause, someone who could have a job making tons of money but chooses to work for a non-profit because he wants to make a difference, someone who makes me laugh, someone I respect, someone who made me feel like I was the most incredible person in the world. One time, he cut a picture of flowers out of a magazine and put them on my desk because "everyone deserves flowers." Funny thing is, I don't think I'd want him now if I was single, but I can't get him out of my head. I fantasize about running into him somewhere, wishing for it, hoping for it, to see how I'd feel after all this time because I've come to realize that though I might not want him, I know I don't want you.
Even though we've been divorced for nearly six years, I still can't manage to get you out of my life. You were evil enough to trap me into violating a court order that I didn't even know about so you could take our son away from me. You managed to ruin my finances, my future, my sanity all for the sake of winning a war I wasn't even fighting with you.
And today I just received another court date so you can try to get more money from me when I don't even make 25% of your yearly salary. Are you out of your mind? What more do you want from me? You have our son, my money, and even though we have joint custody of him, you make all of the decisions. The only thing left is my life.
I hate you more than any one person should have that emotion in them and pray every day that you get run over by one of the trains you work on because you and your family are so fucked up that my son is traumatized by your incessant need to keep up with the Jones'. I cringe at the thought of all the abuse I never reported and hope that you don't poison our son with your filth. I mean who would stay married to a man who confessed he's bisexual?
I have no idea how on earth I managed to get myself into this vulnerable and screwed up position but I guarantee when I get out of it, you will be just like the rest of the scum on the earth and be rotting somewhere in hell.
Last night, when you smiled at me and told me that I was beautiful? You repaired alot of things. Keep it up and I might put my wedding rings back on.
I'm sorry because I've tried to cry and be sad about what I've done, and I can't. I feel the sobs inside of me, and I can't seem to bring them out.
The other night, when you left for poker? The night that I asked you if you even wanted to stop by the house before you went? I was waiting for your friend to stop by - yes, that friend that you are thinking of. He was waiting for me to give him the signal to come by. Its only the first time and he has now made it clear to me that it was the last.
He has decided that we will forget what we did. I can't. I think about it everytime you and I make love. I am imagining that you're him, and remembering the things he did to me.
I love you with all my heart. I just can't stop thinking about your friend. And I'm scared by that. I'm scared because he doesn't want it again and told me that it was beyond wrong. I'm scared because I want to be with you both and this has never happened to me before. This is only something other people do.
I love you. But I'm scared of it.
I love that you're so hairy because it makes me feel less self-conscious about how hairy I am.
You don't know that I posted a profile on an adult website and have been dating, and sleeping with, some of the men I've met online while you've been gone. They treat me better, have more respect and consideration for me, than you have in a very long time.
I got flowers for my birthday. From a man I hadn't even met face to face. I got flowers, cards and visitors when I was in the hospital. From men I've only chatted with or only had dinner with. I actually got to go see a movie! Not a kids' movie. A grown up movie. I get to go dancing. They're more concerned with what I think of them when they dance with me than what all the strangers at the club think of them when they dance. You should try it sometime.
Did you know sex can last longer than 10 minutes?! Did you know I actually am capable of having an orgasm?! Did you know it's possible to sit and just snuggle/cuddle, even all night, without it having to result in intercourse? Snuggling for the sake of snuggling. Touching just for the enjoyment of feeling someone's body next to you. Kissing for kissing's sake and not an item on the checklist of "to do before sex".
Did you know I'm more important than a video game? Or a TV show? Well, at least somebody thinks so. And now I realize it too. And I realize how incredibly miserable I've been. And I realize it's not all my fault.
Last time. Last chance. Going to counseling means more than one visit. If you really want to fix things with us, prove it. Make the appointments with the counselor. Go to them. Work on things. It can't be all on me to do it. It has to be both of us. I'm already half way out the door.
If I do decide to divorce my husband, what's to say that you will be any better? What's to say that you won't leave me like you did 15 years ago? I may not be thrilled in my marriage, but you'll need to work a hell of a lot harder to get me to trust you enough to take that risk. What's more? I am already more in love with you than I care to admit. I never stopped, just tucked it away somewhere.
You scare the shit out of me and thrill me in ways that I can only barely discuss. I fear telling you any of this, as I don't want to seem weak.
Sometimes when I am mad at you, I fart on your pillow. I know it's immature but it makes me feel better knowing that it may still smell when you lay your fat head down.
I want to have a baby more than I want to be married to you.
I tell my friends that I don't want to, because I'm so fucking tired of wondering what's wrong with me that you don't want to have a child with me.
If you won't give me a baby, I will leave you. I've been telling you that for a year and a half, and I'm not fucking kidding.