Monday, December 14, 2009

True Wife Confessions 306 icicles on the eaves

Confession #3061

I confess. I knew all along that you were still active on the online dating sites. I just didn't know that you were exchanging nude pics with those women until I happened to walk in on you using the computer a few days ago.

I'm stunned that you chose to continue the picture exchange rather than continuing our relationship. After being in a relationship with you for 2 years, I thought I knew you better than that. I was wrong.

Confession #3062

I don't know what to do with you these days? The last month of my life has been thrown in such turmoil I don't even know now I feel about you anymore. Was I ever really in love with you or did I get swept away in my "grand plan" of life. Now here we are 12 years later, and I find my world turned upside down and another man involved. Never thought my life would be like this. How to decide what to do now? You know I'm not happy and that I feel like we are very far apart emotionally. I know you want to try to get "us" back. I just don't know if I have the energy or the will. Maybe I'm just done.

Confession #3063

We have been together a very long time. I fall out of love with you, but I stay. Then sometimes you do something sweet or thoughtful. Maybe you just touch me or ask me to watch a movie with you. And I remember why I fell in love with you. But it never lasts long enough to cement it all back together.

Confession #3064

I don’t understand how you can be loyal to everyone but me. You don’t even care how I feel about anything. I don’t know why I stay some days. You make it easier and easier for me to want to leave. The reason I don’t is because I took vows. I stood before God and promised so many things. I will not let these things that you do get me down because you are an idiot. So much for thinking you were my best friend.

Confession #3065

I wish your bloody mother would learn to spell my name right. We've been together for nearly TEN YEARS, and she still can't. It isn't that complicated a name!

Confession #3066

I miss you. I miss our friendship. I miss seeing you and laughing and smiling. I want to rekindle that, but I can't get over the hurtful things you said to me. I've heard that you are feeling the same, but that you don't want to make the first move. Why does it always have to be me that initiates the make-up work? Why is it so hard for you to just admit that you did something wrong and then apologize for it? You're immature. If you were to come to me with a humble heart I would take you in my arms and forgive you. This needs to start with you. I've already made my apologies. I'm still so sad and humiliated by what you said and did. If we talk it out, things may not be the same but we could at least start fresh. Don't wait. Just come to me. I'm gonna let you know how I feel, but I won't bite your head off.

Confession #3067

I'm glad you found that $14,000 check you lost. I suggested that you use it to take care of your tax situation and you got mad. "It's your money," I said. "Then act like it," you said. I really don't give a shit, because I have an innocent spouse waiver and I am not responsible for your tax debt since it was created before I even met you. We've been together for four years and married for six months. If it was me who had a check for that amount I would discuss with you what we should do with it. Like fix up our shitty little house, which is in sore need of major repairs. Or pay off your medical bills. Or buy some new clothes for our toddler and fix up her room. Or add another room onto our house so I'll have a place to put a washer/dryer rather than lugging piles of dirty laundry to the laundromat every weekend. But I suggested you use it to take care of YOUR fucked up situation that YOU created. I wouldn't get a penny out of it, so why would you get pissed about that, you retard? I love you, but you are such a freaking procrastinator. You work hard at your job, but you spend every Friday night getting smashed, and then it takes you the rest of the weekend to sleep it off. Any other time is spent sitting on the couch watching football. I have to shoulder all of the responsibilities - cooking, cleaning, taking care of our daughter, errands..... and that's on top of my full-time manual job. I wish you would get it together. Stopping the Friday night binge drinking would be a good start. Spending a little time working around the house and doing fun stuff with me and our girl would be great too. Sometimes you really remind me of my father - lazy, indifferent, and stubborn. And I still resent him.

Confession #3068

Well, I thought moving and getting you out of the element you couldn't stand would make things better. You are closer to home now, and you are still miserable. Your temper is very scary. Now we have your son in anger management. WTF will it take for you to grow the f up? I don't want to be afraid of what might happen anymore. You don't want to hear it. OMG I can't even talk right now, now I am getting all mixed up in my head.

Confession #3069

I fell in love with you, again, last night.

After 11 years married, 12 years together, I can still find myself weak in the knees, head spinning, breath taken away in love with you.

Oh, sure, it doesn't happen every time we're together anymore. Our daily lives can't stop in orbit around each other, we'd never grow together if we did that. And, it's seeing you in the world, in our lives, in the challenges we face together, the laughs we share, that leaves me feeling more sure that this is where I want my life to be every day, while also leaving me in awe that I somehow ended up here with you.

But, I hope that you know all of that. I hope that I say it out loud and show it often as we move through our days together.

Last night, though, was one of those heart stopping, deep sigh moments. While we were alone, enjoying our 'grown-up' time after the kids were asleep, I did something that I don't remember doing before. I left my eyes open the whole time (well, most of it) and watched you as we were making love, as you made love to me. Now, I don't want you thinking that I didn't look before because I didn't want to. It's not that at all. I'm sure it's a combination of latent catholic guilt & childish 'close your eyes while you're kissing' romanticism, along with my own insecurities about my body & general shyness. Anyway, I overcame that for a while last night & really watched you as we came together. And, sure, it was hot. But, more than that, it was beautiful. I was overwhelmed with love for *you* and our lives together.

I love that, after all this time, I still find our love new & wonderful & the luckiest thing to ever happen to me. I know that I will be falling in love with you again, in new ways, for the rest of my life.

And, I hope that you know that you can confidently trade toothbrushes with me any time at all. As Howard Jones said, "Can anybody love anyone so much that they will never fear, never worry, never be sad? The answer is they cannot love this much. Nobody can. That is why I don't mind you doubting" I am what I love, not what loves me. I love you.

Confession #3070

We are getting divorced and it is the best thing for both of us. I told myself I would wait until it was official before I slept with him but the opportunity presented itself and we took it....and I don't feel the least bit guilty. He was FANTASTIC!!! As good as I was hoping he would be he was ten times better. I would gladly trade the one night of mind-blowing sex I had with him (although it won't be our last) for the nine years of infrequent, perfunctory, boring intercourse we had. Even though I have technically committed adultery (something I have never done before) I am down on my knees thanking whatever Gods there may be for feeling this way again.

We had been waiting patiently for months and since you and I are still under the same roof I have been respectful, only talking to him in my room with the door closed or when you aren't in the house. I will continue to be respectful but I am not giving him up. Even though he is still married too, and I have NO long term expectations from him, we are going to keep seeing each other as friends and lovers for as long as we both can take it.

He has re-awakened the passion in me, inspired me to start writing again (something you never knew I did) and encourages my endeavors. He looks at me with longing and desire, shows me kindness, consideration and respect and is willing to listen whenever I need a sympathetic ear. You haven't done any of those things since we were first married nine years ago. He can't understand why any man would be willing to give me up; you couldn't care less about keeping me around.

I'm glad our divorce is proceeding amicably and I will certainly strive to keep it that way but if we should happen to slip up and you find out about him then you will just have to deal with it. If you want to take a lover by all means...feel free!!! I wish you nothing but the best and want you to be happy, although your complete and utter lack of interest in the bedroom these past few years makes me think that sex is not foremost on your mind.

I am so incredibly thankful that I remember what it feels like to be appreciated and desired I can't even begin to describe it!!! If (God forbid) I should never see him again, I will still be eternally grateful that he has reminded me of my own self-worth and reminded me what it feels like to experience passion again. Being married to you, I had almost forgotten what it was like. I won't forget again.


Anonymous said...

To 3067 - I'm in a similar situation as far as the tax thing goes. I just married a man and found out he failed to mention that he hasn't filed a tax return in over ten years. So if I file mine, which means I have to put his ss# since we're married, then the IRS might come knocking on our door. He doesn't want to do anything about the situation, just let it go. Which means I'll be a criminal now too.

Anonymous said...

3061 - Something like that happened to me with a guy I met on a dating friend was on the same one and he was sending her pictures and basically the same exact emails he had sent to me and tried to get her to go on a date with him to the same restaurant he first took me too. Needless to say it didn't work out bc I realized he was a scum bag.

Anonymous said...

11:18 - A good CPA can help you figure out how to file on your own so you keep your name clear. Don't give in to the temptation to let it go, because the IRS *will* eventually come knocking.

Anonymous said...

to #3062 --- Don't even know how you feel about him? You feel little enough to involve another man right? You have enough energy or will to involve the other man but not deal with your husband? Guess what, the divorce is going to take a lot more energy or will than getting involved with another man.
What is with the wives who think it's easier to cheat than fix the problem or get out of the problem first? For every sad and lonely and bored wife, there are thousands of guys willing to take you to bed. Guys will have sex at the drop of a hat.

Out of those thousands of guys, how many do you think are going to put up with a cheating woman? Two sides to every story. From your husband's perspective, is he bored as much as you? And his wife is involved with another man? What's in it for him aside from being married to a cheat who treats him like crap?

Anonymous said...

why a married man , u are going to ruin someone elses life if they find out..

Anonymous said...

You're a model wife apparently. Good job cheating on your husband and apparently with another married man, great news, now go get a soul.

Anonymous said...

This is confessor #3070.

Did you miss the part about us getting a divorce and agreeing to live seperate lives? Am I supposed to put my life on hold for the next 18 months until everything is finalized? Not going to happen! I have been miserable for the past three years, I am going to take happiness wherever and whenever I can.

Anonymous said...

To confessor #3070. Six months ago I would have been on the same bandwagon as the others. I would have condemned you for committing adultery. But, since that time I find myself in a similar situation. Life is very short and happiness is elusive. When we find it and it is everything we "need" it to be and we have a partner who can't or won't meet our needs even though we have begged until we are blue in the face then I don't think we even have a choice but to accept it. I am having an affair. I never thought that I would. I have been married for 25 years to a man who has never acted like he desired me no matter what I did to make him desire me. I now have a man who can't get enough of me and makes me so sexually satisfied that I can't stop thinking about him at all. I'm not sorry.

Anonymous said...

Six months or a year ago I would have condemned myself but nobody can understand unless they've been in that situation. When you have gone YEARS feeling undesired, unwanted and have to practically beg for attention and/or affection it can destroy your self esteem. And then along comes a person who not only lifts your spirit and reminds you of your self worth but reignites the passion you buried deep inside of you. Think I'm giving that up? Not bloody likely!!! I'll wear whatever label people want to stick on me but inside I am happy and that is something I haven't been in a VERY long time!

Anonymous said...

My husband witholds affection from me as punishment when he is angry or depressed or whatever his current problem is. I have to beg for attention. He seems indifferent about everything. It does make you feel terrible and unworthy and lonely and depressed and lots of other sad adjectives. I've never cheated, but I can certainly understand why someone in that situation would. I'm hoping my husband will wake up one day and be his old self. If not, I don't know how long I can stay with him under these conditions.

Anonymous said...

This is poster #3070 again.

Witholding affection/attention to manipulate a person's behavior is emotional abuse. If you haven't tried counseling, I strongly recommend it. If that doesn't work, you may have to issue an ultimatum; just be prepared to follow through on it.

We tried counseling....twice. The first time it worked for about four months and then he went back to his old ways, the second time he left after four sessions. But I go to sleep at night knowing I tried everything in my power to make it work before calling it quits. And even though I am technically committing adultery, my conscience is clear.

the other girl said...

OMG your husband sounds like my guy... i am dating a married man, he has been married for years and im sure he stopped having sex with his wife for years now, since we both started actually.. your husband isnt english is he???

all i can tell you is i am happy for you that you try to gain a little of everything you lost with your husband, its not his fault, just you two were not meant for each other.. an experience both of you had to go through, but now all you should do.. is do things for yourself and if this other married man makes you happy, then let it be, im happy for you!

Anonymous said...

good on you darling!

I echo everything u said... how sad us women tolerate lazy selfish bastards like this.

I wish mine would piss off and let me be happy x

Anonymous said...

#3069 - Just beautiful x