Monday, December 07, 2009

True Wife Confessions Catch 22

Confession #211

You were such a jerk, and you made me so angry and miserable in the days leading up to our wedding day, and on the day itself, that I almost didn't go through with our wedding. I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been knocked up already. I spent the entire day of our wedding terrified that I was making the worst mistake of my life, wanting to vomit, forcing myself to smile. I already wanted to divorce you before we even got home from the marriage license office. Thankfully it wasn't a mistake to marry you; I loved you then, and I love you now, and our marriage has actually turned out very well. But this is why I never want to do anything on our anniversary-- I don't even want to think about that day; it was one of the worst days of my life. I wish I could erase the memory from my mind.

Confession #212

We've been together for 12 years. After 10 years of finding a new roll of toilet paper precariously balanced on top of the empty cardboard roll, I decided we did not need toilet paper holders anymore. I didn't do it because I wanted to keep up with the trends. You can be a real jerk sometimes.

Confession #213

I do ALL of the work inside of the house, ALL of the yard work, ALL of the dog's duties, AND I work 40+ per week. I shoot daggers at you every weekend while you sleep in until 10am then get up and surf Myspace for 2 hours until lunch.

Confession #214

You CAN'T take credit for housework when you make the kids do it.

Confession #215

How is it that even when you do something as menial as boil water on the stove, you manage to use EVERY pot and pan that we own?? I swear, you went in to make a sandwich, and the kitchen is now a disaster area.

Confession #216

I have been married to you for 12 years and have loved you for 3 of them. I am only staying married to you for our child who adores you. I find you ignorant, slow, and you can't read very well either.

Confession #217

You're not fooling me with your "dumb male" act. You're an intelligent man-- you're easily as smart as I am, and I know with absolute certainty that after three years of living with me you are in fact capable of remembering where in my dresser I keep my pajamas and socks. So stop leaving them stacked on the bed when you fold the laundry, as if you have no idea where they go. Ditto the serving dishes you ALWAYS leave stacked on the counter when you unload the dishwasher. I've been keeping that ceramic platter, that cut glass bowl that chip-and-dip set in exactly the same cabinet for a year and a half now, and it would take you no more than two seconds to put them away. And don't even get me started on your spurious claim that you can't ever find the paper towels when it's time to replace an empty roll. There are ALWAYS paper towels in the linen closet, and they are always on the same shelf, right below the shelf where you keep extra bottles of your shaving cream and shampoo.

Confession #218

Why do I have to remind YOU to call the dealer to make an oil change appointment on the new PT Cruiser you wanted more than anything?

Confession #219

Honey, I love you - I really do - but the fact that you can not do anything like RSVP for any child's birthday party or invitation to play galls me. Regardless of how well you know the other family, you make me handle all the details. For such a liberated man, this is one bizarre throwback trait.

Confession #220

wish that for every hour your spent on your computer you'd spend 20 minutes with me. We used to talk to each other for hours. And I miss that.

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