Tuesday, January 10, 2012

True Wife Confession 47 society

Confession #461

n the month and a half since we've moved, you have done the laundry once and only because I told you that you weren't getting any until you did. You did one load and left the second in the washer for over a week, a fact which I discovered this morning. So, from now on, I'm only doing my laundry.

I dislike how I have to harass you to do chores. Yes, I know you'll get to them eventually but it shouldn't take a week to wash the dishes!

One of the reasons I am so nervous about the idea of having children with you in the future is because right now, even though we only have one pet, a cat, you never ever hear her whine at night. So it's only me who ever gets up to check on her and see why she is being so annoying. If we have a baby and I am the only one who ever gets up to check on it, I swear to god I will leave you. I cannot be in a relationship where the responsibilities of child-rearing are not shared equally.

Confession #462

You're a fucker. I hate it that you say because our daughter is a lesbian that she will not be welcome in our house when she is "grown up". How do you think that will make her feel?? Do you honestly think I would not make our daughter feel welcome?! FUCKER! Remember this darling husband, YOU can be replaced, she cannot. This is my house too. Did I mention you were a fucker?

Confession #463

Tonight, when I was bent over, picking up our child's toys, and you leaned in and touched my crotch, I seriously wanted to beat the shit out of you. I'm on the rag. Don't you get it? DON'T TOUCH MY CROTCH WHEN I AM BLEEDING LIKE A STUCK PIG. A more appropriate gesture would have been to hand me the jar of peanut butter and a large chocolate bar. Had you done that instead, you might have gotten a blow job later-instead, you get nothing. One day you might learn-but the odds aren't good.

Asking me why my period is taking so long to get over with is just dumb. You're not the one bleeding like the aforementioned stuck pig, nor do you have a sensation in your stomach much like that of an elephant sitting on your gut. You have no right to ask, because even if I wasn't on the rag, I still would not want to have sex with you tonight.

Confession # 464

When you choose to stay up until 1am watching your wrestling shit, do NOT whine and complain and be crabby to me in the morning because you're tired and have to go to work. You were stupid. Learn from your mistakes.

When I come up with a plan, you tell me it's wrong and dumb. So we do things your way. It falls apart. So you suggest the VERY method I had suggested in the first place and declare it your own idea. And I applaud you and sing your praises to your face because you are either too stupid to remember it was my idea first, or too embarrassed to admit it. So I let you go on, thinking you are the MAN when in reality I'm the brains of this operation.

Confession #465

If it weren't for me you would go to work buck naked every single day. And you would starve while you were there. And you'd walk home because you can't remember to put gas in the car or get the oil changed.

I do appreciate you taking me to a Japanese restaurant for our anniversary. I know how much you hate Asian cuisine. You even tried sushi for the first time. I know you hated most of the meal but it means so much to me that you smiled and choked down most of what was on your plate in an attempt to make my day. That was really sweet.

Confession #466

Please do not suggest that I go have some 'me time'. You only suggest this when you are gearing up for a night of playing cards with the guys and are trying to avoid the guilt trip you lay all on yourself. GO. Have fun. I don't care. I will gladly stay home, put our child to bed, and order Chinese food, since I can never get it because you hate it so much.

On my days off, as you leave for work, don't bother suggesting I 'take it easy' and try to get some rest while our daughter is at school. I know you are going to call me 10 minutes later to ask me something stupid. I know you are going to call 5 more time before lunch to ask me more dumb questions. So I just do stuff around the house because even when you're not home, I can't get a moment's peace.

Confession #467

I hate your family. Your sister is a bitch. Your mom is too needy and your father is a perv.

Confession #468

i wish just one time you would tell me I'm sexy. You tell me I look pretty.
or that this outfit looks good on me. Never once have you told me I'm sexy.
I hate that many other men tell me this all the time. And all it makes me do
is wish that it was YOU telling me that. I think you're sexy. All the time.
and I know you don't think I'm sexy. It breaks my heart. It has for years.

Confession #469

I know fabric softener makes your skin itchy. Sometimes, I use it anyway. At
first, I thought the allergy was all in your head. But interestingly enough,
you're right – fabric softener DOES make your skin itch. Every time I use
it, you complain a few days later about your skin being dry and itchy. I
feel guilty, but I really love how fluffy the towels are when I use

Confession #470

I'm so glad that after a year, you have finally made a friend at work. I'm
trying desperately not to freak out that the friend is a woman. I know she's
happily married. I know her life revolves around her newborn. I know you're
not interested in her at all. I still freak out about it a little.


Anonymous said...

469 - You're an ass.

Deodand said...

469 - why not have separate towels? Soften yours, don't soften his. There, I fixed it.

Anonymous said...

#463: Are you not aware that sexual arousal can reduce the discomfort of menstrual cramping, etc?

carledgar said...

I think it's a great blog - it holds a mirror up to me and all the other men that I know. I've been guilty of many of these things - though less and less over the years - so it's enlightening to see the world of marriage through other eyes.

The confessions are told with passion and are, by turns, scathing, acerbic, visceral and riotously funny. I laugh at myself every time I see something egregious that I've done myself at some time.

More power to your elbow - as we used to say at Davy Byrne's pub in Dublin - but which no one understands at Joe's neighbourhood bar in Dedham, Massachusetts - neither of which I'm currently at.

Not sure why anonymous is so truculent

Carl Edgar

Anonymous said...

#463 - I hate opportunistic touching, there's a time and place, I don't care about periods but I hate reaching to get something and getting groped, it makes me change the whole way I move around him so I never accidentally bend over by him or lean across.

pdiddyh said...

It seems to me that most of these "confessions" are written by or about people far too immature (or just plain stupid) to be going steady, let alone be married. Why deal with reality when you can live in cyber delusion, eh?

Anonymous said...

#467 I could have wrote that exact post about my in laws. Cheers

Anonymous said...

#469: try a different fabric softener, or an organic one.

Anonymous said...

462 I hope you really say this to your husband. For your daughters sake....