After several years of bullshit, we finally stood up to your family. During the big dust up your mother and brother both told me that I'm not a member of the family and that I don't have any say in the matter. Thank you for standing up to them. Thank you for backing me up. Thank you for standing with me and proving them wrong about the strength of our relationship. Please don't be the peacemaker and extend the olive branch before they apologize or this will all have been for nothing.
Dear Oblivious Husband,
You "didn't realize" over the past decade how your family treated me like crap, you "didn't realize" that the incessant text messeges from a female co worker was inappropriate, or that 45 of these occured on the day that I was in the hospital, while I recieved 10 that same day .... You "didn't realize" that you hardly ever tell me that I'm beautiful ... or that when the kids are in bed and we're supposed to have "us" time together, that you're playing your Play Station or working on your fantasy football .... When am I going to be important enough for you to pay attention? We discussed this I realize , and are trying to work on things, but now all this attention feels fake, and I'm still hurt.
Your Invisible Wife
YOU ARE AMAZING! There isn't one single part of you that doesn't move me! When I'm with you I feel so at ease like I'm completely understood without me having to even say a word! I genuinely enjoy being around you, you make me laugh! When you look at me its like you can see into my soul, and you make me feel like the most gorgeous woman in the world! Your touch sends chills up my spine and the thought of you takes my breath away! The sex is AAAMAZING, just thinking about it sends me into euphoria And even when we get rough in bed I feel completely safe! BUT Last night when we were with friends and a guy started to flirt w me and you puffed up and told him to stop messn w " your girl" was the exact moment I knew we turned into a real couple! From any other guy I would have felt like a piece of property but coming from you it made me feel protected and loved, like you knew I was a catch and didn't want to give me up! I'm so glad I took a chance with you!
I wish I could tell you but your head is always buried in the paper or in your laptop. I know the news is massively important but I have something to say. I am sorry you have been denied your conjugal rights- it wasn't meant to turn out that way but we drifted apart sexually. I need to admit that when I told you I bleed when you shag me thats only partly true. Sure, the prospect of HRT doesn't fill me with any great delight but it would be an easy answer. Sorry, its being economical with the truth which is that 12 years ago the love of my life came back into my life after 30 years. I don't get to see him much as he is miles away but he is with me in my mind all the sodding time. That's not to say I don't love you, I really do, but I love him too and always will. He is a positive soul, you have a half empty glass. I need to be cheered up, he does it.
When I got myself a mobile last year- catching up with the times at last- it was so he and I could keep in touch while you and I were away on holiday. You havent any idea about mobiles- and haven't even asked for my number! I avoid using it when you are around unless I have a sensible excuse- like a grandchild or child calling. We speak at least twice a day when you arent around and its lovely feeling him on the other end of the phone. One day though, circumstances will let us get together and I will go to my grave with him in my arms. I know it.
When we were first married our sex life was...bland. This was in part due to medications I was on, but it was also due in huge part to the fact that when I had the urge I took care of things myself so when it came time to intimacy with you I wasn't interested and would just go through the motions for you.
A few years ago I realized that this was hurting our marriage and I worked hard to channel all of my passion to you and teach you how to meet all my needs. And you have become a much better lover. We have a wonderful sex life! Only, your drive is less than mine and it becomes zero if you're stressed or busy. Here's the thing: sex with you is important to me. I need to work at it in order to stay interested. I need to have an orgasm every 6 days - twice a week is ideal - in order to stay passionate and involved in our sex life. We've talked about this over and over again for YEARS and yet here we are, with you avoiding intimacy, again. It's been almost 2 weeks!
When we discussed this (AGAIN) the other night you asked me to wait for you and not to go back to "taking matters into my own hands." I'm sorry, honey, but the deed, so to speak, is done. After the first week I moved on and started taking care of myself again. I deserve to have an active sex life, to feel good and to feel sexy. If you can't do it I'm going to do it myself. What I really wish is that YOU would get it together and we could be intimate twice a week. But I'll take what I can get if you can't get it together.
I tell you I’m seeing a therapist in March, it’s June and you still haven’t asked me why, no concern at all, wow I’m amazed at your level of not giving a shit about your wife. I tell you we need to talk, I need to know what you think, how you feel because you NEVER say anything except tell me stories about work. I don’t give a shit about your work stories. I hate everyone you work with. I’m working on making myself feel better and look better and when you see my tight ass walking OUT the door for good, please remember who wouldn’t talk, who didn’t care, and who didn’t want to make our marriage better. Sorry.
Looking back, I realize that neither of us were "madly in love" with each other, that there really wasn't that huge spark between us. Nonetheless, I treated you so well for so many years. Buying you your favorite things, doing things for you, making your life easier by doing thoughtful things for you, picking up lunch for you when I picked up lunch for me, etc. You did nothing, no thoughtful gestures, no going out of your way to make my life easier, no things to show that you loved me. I don't doubt that you loved me in your own particular way but it got to the point where it just wasn't enough. I deserved to live with someone who not only acted like they liked me, but acted liked they loved me and you did neither. You told me that you were so attracted to me in the beginning because "I always had fun". Around the last half of our marriage, I was an embarrassment to you. I hadn't changed, my sense of humor and personality hadn't changed. What happened to the big attraction?
You got more and more selfish as you got older and the only thing that mattered was you. Not our children, our marriage and most definitely not me. For a long time, I was willing to live this way, as it wasn't that bad, I was living an ok life, etc. It finally dawned on me that I'd rather live by myself in complete poverty (if need be) then live with someone who acted like they didn't like me, didn't respect me and didn't have time for me or our children.
Now we're divorced. The kids and I are going to be fine. It bothers me that when you have them, while you are doing more things with them, you still don't understand that they don't need grand gestures, like going to the circus or Disney World, they want you to talk to them, listen to them, be interested in their lives and interests and just to hang out with them and for you to act like you really want to be with them. I don't doubt that you love them, as I know you do. But, you still sneak out in the middle of the night to go to your office on the weekends that they're at your house, just like you used to do when we all lived together. The only day of the year you wouldn't go to work was Christmas and to be totally honest, that's sad. Your boss doesn't appreciate all the hours you put in, in fact he used to make fun of you for it and probably still does. You've deluded yourself into thinking that you were working so hard to support the family and to keep us up in the lifestyle that we were living and that I expected you to provide. No, you worked that hard because you wanted to. No one expects you to work 7 days a week, 12 hours a day, no one but yourself. I'd been asking you for years to spend more time with our kids, do things with them, have lunch with them and no, you couldn't, you were working. Yet, you could take time off to do other things but you've never mananged to take time off just to spend quality time with your kids. It's a shame.
Good luck in your dating. Have you told them about the hooker and you trolling for affairs when we were married? I don't think so. I don't think those ladies would be so willing to buy your "awe, shucks, my ex-wife is a bi$%# and divorced innocent old me" schtick if they knew. No matter how much of a bi#$% you thought I was when we were married, there was NO reason why you should've paid for a hooker and paid to find affairs online. If you were that dissatisfied with our marriage and sex life, you should've started the divorce proceedings instead of me. But, no, you couldn't have done that because then you wouldn't be able to claim your "innocent injured spouse" status as I'm sure you're doing.
It hurts that you never loved me enough to do anything for me, especially when it would've taken so very little to make me happy. I'm not high maintainance at all and that was probably part of the problem. I didn't expect much and you couldn't even give me that little tiny effort that it would've taken. If people knew how poorly you treated me, they would be shocked. You were never there for me, during my surgeries, during the loss of our children, you never helped much with the kids, you were never proud of any of my accomplishments like graduating with a 4.0 GPA and receiving the highest award that my school offered. You didn't think that any effort other then giving me a card and cake was necessary for any birthdays or anniversaries. You just didn't want to do anything that would've shown me any love and it will always hurt some. You've made rude comments to me about my weight, my poor wardrobe, etc., all the while I was trying to make the best of a bad situation by not spending money on things that would've improved my wardrobe. You never wanted me to spend any money on anything and I rarely spent anything on me, just for the house and the kids and groceries, yet you had the money to spend on a hotel room, hooker and signing up and paying to join a website where married people look for affairs. You considered the money you made to be all yours, not ours and spent it how you wanted, never asking for my input or ideas.
Yes, I was part of the problem as I allowed you to act the way you did towards me. Things changed and I realized that I deserved better and that's where we are now. I hope you're happy living all by yourself, working the dating websites and lying to the ladies of this area about how you were wronged, etc. by mean old me. The kids and I will be ok. I don't plan to date any time soon, as it wouldn't be fair to them, as they need time to heal with me to help them but also because I don't want to make the same mistakes that I made with you. When I start dating again, I want to find a man who will treat me like he treasures and loves me, enjoys spending time with me, enjoys my sense of humor, acts like he's sexually attracted to me, etc. All the things that you, my husband of over 20 years, NEVER did. Sad.
I knew years ago when I saw an older couple sitting on a front porch swing together, very much loving being together and growing old together that you and I would never be that couple and it made me so sad. I'd rather be alone then be with you. I'm much happier without you always dragging me down, acting like I'm dumb, acting like my opinions don't matter and acting like you didn't like me or love me or were attracted to me. I guess it was a good thing that we hadn't been together for a few years when you got with the hooker because if we had and I'd found out about the hooker, I'd probably be in jail for doing a Lorenna Babbit on you.
If you don't change your ways, your children will eventually not want to do anything with you. Our daughter told me that she was afraid that when you started dating that you wouldn't want to spend any time with her at all. You need to stop being so out-of-control inequitable in how you buy presents for the kids. You don't need to measure it to the penny but when you don't buy one anything (even though you told her you'd give her something), spend $20 on the next one and spend way more on the third one, that's not nice at all. But, this is your pattern, if you can't do a big WOW present, you can't be bothered and it's going to end up biting you in the butt in a major way if you don't get a clue. And, while I'm on it, can you please buy some healthy food for our kids when they're at your house and maybe some snacks that they might like? Pizza, cereal, pretzles and frozen meals aren't exactly a well-rounded assortment of foods and it would be nice if they had a variety of foods to eat at your house instead of just that. And, don't think crying poverty because I'm "taking all your money" will work. If you have money to pay for dating sites, you have money to buy healthier food.
You're going to reap what you sow and if you don't watch out, you're going to end up all by yourself through no fault of anyone else's other then your own.
Growing up, I scrawled my dreams and wishes in so many journals, feeling so alone, taking care of everyone but me. My childhood was not my own, too many responsibilities, no acknowledgement, and while I loved my family, by the time I met you, life had worn me down, even at the tender age of 19.
Meeting you, for the first time I had someone who cared about me first. Who looked at me with admiration. Who noticed when I slipped off to be by myself, and would let me get away with feeling sorry for myself. I remember setting a boundary, not ready to get physical before marriage, and being so afraid of your reaction. Yet you respected me, you backed off, and you never pushed me into anything in the years before we finally got married.
Marriage wasn't entirely what I expected. Somehow I put two messy people in my mind and came out with the picture perfect home with everything in it's place. I was pleasantly surprised to feel like I was coming home to my best friend's every night, the first few weeks we spent staying up until all hours talking... and even now we still do. Then life hit, a thundering storm that swept everything away but 'through sickness and health'. You were there for me during my mom's health crisis, then we floundered together through your Depression. I love you, but it was misery watching you getting swept away by a darkness I could not break through. My work suffered, due to the many sleepless nights where I tried to comfort or calm you. Finally, you listened, to yourself, to me, to our mentor couple. You decided you couldn't handle it on your own, and went to the Doctor. I meant every word of our wedding vows, but I never thought it would get that hard that fast. Yet, for the first time, I think I realized we would really make it through. That a little more stability wasn't beyond our reach. I had spent all my life taking care of my family, and I dreaded being the only one in our marriage who had to be responsible, who had to make all the right decisions. That first step you took towards being responsible for your own health was an answer to prayer. I knew I could support you, but I knew that if I tried to carry that burden alone it would destroy the both of us.
The struggles weren't over - there were times I wanted to give up, when you missed your medication and your mood swings made me want to scream and lock myself away. Sometimes I longed for that solitude that had always seemed so hateful. In your pain you slashed me open with your words, and I had to learn how to love you and wait for sanity to return. Afterwards you were always sorry, I could see the horror in your eyes that this vocal beast had overcome you and that you had said those hateful things. I wasn't going to be one of 'those' women, who accepted emotional abuse. So I struggled with how to set healthy boundaries. How to let you know I wasn't going to accept that treatment, no matter what your excuse and however legitimate it was. That I loved you in spite of it, but you had to take more responsibility for what led up to it. At times I wished you'd either take the meds or stop taking them altogether. Finally, you made the connections. You changed doctors. You paid more attention to taking the meds on time so you wouldn't have those mood swings. You changed medications. You became the man I always saw in there, hid under the pain and depression. Now that man isn't just peeping out, he's present all the time, and learned to be proud of himself. Now you're being strong for me, you're supporting me in my dreams, making sure that I'm not having to be the only responsible one. We even bought a home! Your career is suddenly vibrant and exciting! Mine is too!
I know that sometimes you feel down, but for the first time I can be angry with you and know you can take it. I can be fully honest and not worry so much about making mistakes. We fight fairer. You've gotten stronger. I can lean on you now, when I need you, and not worry that I'm burdening you with my own worries. You can lean back and know our relationship is balanced, as a marriage should be. I'm so proud of what you have become and grown into. You comfort me. You do things to make me feel more secure even if you think they are a little silly, because you want to give me that stability. We laugh about it, and I love that you care about me so much that you don't mind showing me in those ways.
I'm letting go of that hurt now. You have worked so hard to change and turn your life around. We've both grown up. We've both learned to take responsibility for ourselves better. You've learned to handle mistakes and setbacks without sinking into that depression. I'm moving on into that next chapter of married life together, I won't forget those lessons learned, but I think it's time to finally let go of that lingering anger and pain. You've earned my trust again, and I can finally imagine a life ahead with little pattering feet. I know we'll both probably continue to fall down and make mistakes every so often, but now I know we both can make the effort to make it work. I love you.
So you treat me like crap!!! Your mean to me! And I feel lonely all the time. I have been thinking about cheating on you and I just might you pay no attention to me anymore:(
Ever since you asked me not to be friends with your old business partner, we've been carrying on an erotic exchange of emails across 3000 miles. We've both had a crush on each other all this time, imagine that. We pity you.