Instead of resolutions I do themes: this year for 2010 is empowered. Just another term to hide the word selfish. I plan on being selfish for once and that means you need to get the hell out of my way and let go of my ankle. I wrote about a year or so ago bitching about a Christmas stunt you pulled and since then I have daydreamed of a divorce. I thought that I could pretend to make things happy, lie to myself, or just hang on for the kids...but the thing is I can't do it anymore. You are killing me mentally and physically making me sick. I have been sick the past two days playing our marriage over and over in my head and I fucking refuse to do it anymore. I consider this an amputation...though I could sure use the limb, I rather hop. As soon as I get my tax return I am taking you off the tit you thought you would suck on the rest of my life.
I wish I had the directions to la la land that a good portion of the world's population lives....but frankly it seems to crowded.
the sex...used to be good. now, it's almost like you are on auto pilot and if I throw in an ooooh or an ahhhh at appropriate moments, you proclaim yourself "the man" and declare that our sex life is fantastic. it's not. those sex toys I bought at my friend's party? I didn't buy them "just to be nice" like I said. they get used quite frequently as soon as you leave the house.
I have been happily married for 7 years. I recently came across this anonymous chat website *****, that lets you chat with a random stranger at the click of a button. It has become almost an addiction for me. I have problems making friends because of shyness, self-esteem issues but I am able to be freely and truly myself on this silly website. However, several of the best conversations I've had have been with men. I find it thrilling to know that they find me interesting and even sexy. They ask me questions and I get to hear their thoughts about life and love. The only one I've ever felt I could do this for and with is my husband. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my only lover. Talking to other men like this makes me feel powerful and it makes me feel sexier. I have not told my husband that I chat like this. Three times now I have begun chatting/emailing certain men outside of this random arena who I've had very deep and meaningful conversations with. We've even exchanged pictures. Two of the "relationships" have had sexual questions posed and answered. I've even sent one of them a couple of sexy (not nude) pictures.
I wonder if this counts as emotional cheating. I realize that the world of the internet poses many perception distortions - I know only what these men choose reveal and I have not built a life with them. We've never even truly met. But we know so much about each other, if everyone is being truthful.
This helps me feel better about myself and there is no real harm in it so I feel like it is okay. I never plan to meet, speak with on the phone, interact with on camera or interact any other way with them outside of chat and email. It has led to increased sex with my husband because I feel more self-confident that I really am attractive and sexy, not just to him. Is this the same as flirting with co-workers or receiving compliments or appreciation from the opposite sex about your ideas and personality? My husband goes out to work and has many interactions with women. Am I not just searching for the same type of validation?
I don't like having sex at midnight or 1 AM when we're both exhausted and ready to crash. I do it because you're not interested in sex at any other time of the day. Why is that? You told me that was a problem in your marriage; the only time the two of you had sex was after everything else was done for the night and you were both tired. Why is it that you've set us up for that same cycle? I do approach you at other times, but you always shoot me down. Is it because you need to pop a little blue pill and wait for it to kick in? Fine; I don't mind. Just tell me and I'll give it another shot in an hour. But those pills aren't something we can talk about, are they. I know you take them and you know I know, but talking about it is strictly forbidden.
I know that we laugh when you wake up mad at me after dreaming that I cheated on you. But it still hurts my feelings that you have those cheating dreams so often.
In 8 to 12 weeks our divorce will be final. I am filled with joy.... and sadness. We were the couple everyone thought would make it... until I left. Then I had so many people telling me how glad they were I left, how I should of done it years ago. And then there were the apologies and confessions. My, my you did get around... even more than I had guessed and or knew. Oh yes.... our "open" relationship as long as it suited you. We both know why I rarely ever took advantage of that.... we both know I would leave. And I did. And I AM SO HAPPY! I miss you on some level.... but when I hear our daughter's weekend with you consisted of TV and you going out to "smoke"? I feel joy in my decision and I know I will never regret it.
I confess -- I don't believe you. That woman showed up at our backdoor at midnight. You were in the shower when I answered it, and she said she needed to talk to you. I said you were busy. She said it was important, pushed past me, went straight to the bathroom and opened the door. I didn't hear what she said to you, but I heard you yell at her to get the fuck out of your house.
On her way back out, she told me you'd been lying to both of us, that you'd been seeing both of us all along, and that she'd been seeing you off and on for 18 years. When I asked you about it, you said you hadn't been with her for over 2 years (since we got together).
But why would a woman come cause trouble after 2 years? I have no proof so I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. But deep down? I don't believe you.
Thank you, you made my day yesterday by calling me at work. I know it has been hard for us, just when i thought you have given up on us, you surprised me by calling me. We are going to make this work one way or another.
I love you so much, it makes no sense to either of us but I do. And always will..
I don't like your daughter- she's too skanky for my liking and I worry when she's around my children. I have tried and tried to be as nice and kind to her as possible, but she is sadly a reflection of the person who is raising her. Her mother, with whom she lives in another state, is pushing 40 and has been unemployed except for a brief, unsuccessful stint as a stripper...and she brings your daughter with her when she visits her "sugar daddies" (as your ex calls them) and "uncles" as your daughter calls them. At one time, one of mommy's sugar daddies' sons your daughter at 10 years old called her "boyfriend"- saying mommy would leave her with the son while she spent time with Uncle xxx so that Uncle xxx would "pay for mom's boob job". Why does that NOT worry you? YOU ARE SO SO BLIND!
Sometimes I don't want to be married to you because you are too stupid to get your daughter the Professional Help she so badly needs. And she needs an HPV shot, and at the age she is now, she needs to be on Birth Control. How can you say "everything's ok, my ex is a wonderful mother" when someone (the school? neighbors?) called Child Services MULTIPLE times? Can't you see by the way your daughter has turned out that she is merely a Meal Ticket for your ex? Your daughter was caught skanking in school- on the playground- don't you think that should have been the last straw to push you to fight for custody? She tried to have sex with the neighbor boy and I caught and stopped her, and you screamed at ME and called me a liar- maybe I should have just allowed you to suffer the embarassment of the her skank reputation to circulate our neighborhood? Or maybe she would have been knocked up at age 11-12? Maybe I should be so callous and say and do nothing to help her anymore. Why am I the only adult in her life who tries to help her? You are so blind and I'M NOT STEPPING IN ANYMORE, IT'S YOUR STUPID PROBLEM, I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO WITH MY OWN KIDS!
Why won't you confront your ex about exposing your daughter to her lifestyle? Are you enamoured with her fat, g-string wearing, mental health issues mom so much that you will allow your daughter to continue to suffer? Why would you allow your child to be raised by a Drug Addict? How pathetic. I mean, you are so stupid that you knocked up a Stripper/Hooker while paying for her services, AND THEN YOU MARRIED HER. ALL THIS WHILE SHE WAS LIVING WITH ANOTHER MAN. IS THIS CHILD EVEN YOURS? Dummy...why have you never demanded a paternity test????? STOP COMPLAINING TO ME ABOUT NOT HAVING MONEY BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR CHILD SUPPORT OUT OF YOUR ASS because YOU are the FOOL who (maybe) knocked up a HOOKER! STUPID- THAT"S WHAT HOOKERS DO, GO FOR YOUR MONEY, DUMBASS!
You are so wonderful with me and our family, that I feel conflicted whenever I have to witness the train wreck that is your daughter....I hate it when she visits. YOUR DAUGHTER IS A TOTAL TRAIN WRECK AND ALL ME AND THE KIDS CAN DO IS WITNESS THE MESS. I wonder are you truly this Colossally Stupid? Dense brained? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, MAN? If the community you served ever knew of this part of your life, your upstanding facade would be totally SHATTERED.
When you say "I wish I could just die", it makes me angry. Because your children deserve to know their father. Because I'm at the point where I'm starting to agree with you. Because you're not willing to admit that you're depressed, and you need help. I feel like a bad person when I think "go ahead, get this shit over with, I'm still young, I can marry again." It's not fair that you dump everything on me. It's NOT my fault that you have some physical problems that need to be addressed, and YES, I believe you're probably 75% at fault because of your horrible diet and alcoholism. If you're going to continue to drink yourself to death, I'd like to request that you move it along. I'm not interested in spending the next 20 or 30 years watching you devolve into your grandfather - a man whose alcoholism you seem to revere. Get your priorities straight, you idiot. You're almost 40, and you're behaving like a goddamn 12 yr old. And stop telling me I want to divorce you, because one of these days I just might.