Arrrggh! You really piss me off.
You got new hours at work a year ago, the 1pm-10pm shift, supposedly so we both would have days we got to sleep in and so you could help take care of our kid in the morning. This has proved to be complete bullshit. YOU sleep in 90% of the time. I'm up at all hours with the kid, and you sleep.
The kid wakes up in the night and calls for us loudly over the monitor. You don't move. Don't so much as twitch. So I end up getting up with her a few nights a week, sometimes I end up staying up for HOURS because she won't go back to sleep, and you STILL don't get the fuck up with her in the morning and let me recuperate.
This weekend I got up with her both mornings. You apologized for not giving me a day to sleep in. Last night, she woke up at 4:30am and didn't go back to sleep at all. When she came into our room at 6, you didn't move. Guess who got up with her yet again. Have I mentioned I'm two months pregnant?
You always apologize. "Oh, I meant to get up with her today." Actions speak louder than words. My favorite is when you add, "Why didn't you wake me up?" I AM NOT YOUR KEEPER. You're 41 years old. Act like it.
Seriously. You're fucking lazy and I'm sick and tired of it. This child isn't only mine. Get the fuck out of bed and take care of her once in a goddamn while. And you wonder why I want to take a weekend away from you and she both (and for the record, I never have, not in the 3 years she has been on this earth)...I'd LOVE to fucking SLEEP FOR ONCE. You will NOT be getting away with this shit when baby #2 arrives in February.
So you and I have been apart for four months now... again. I am so sick of being the on-again, off-again couple that everyone hates to hear about. I could have messed up early and married you as I wanted to but my Dad saved me from that.. thank goodness for caring parents who know more than kids. You told me something today that I had been expecting to hear: "I want you." You also said, "I love you." My heart aches for you because I know you are not strong. You need someone to make you feel whole. I am moving on and I am seeing things more clearly than ever. You can't even be un-selfish in asking me back. Yes, YOU miss me, YOU want me.. What do I want? You didn't even ask. I want to be happy and move on with my life. What was in the past needs to stay there. I love you. I still do after all this. I love you with all my heart which is why I am saying no. It's why I'm pushing you to grow on your own. Our relationship was not a healthy one and I will miss it, but I am not going to rekindle it with you. I will be here as your friend, but our relationship is finished and I want to keep it that way. Otherwise you and I will just grow to hate each other and I think that would tear you apart more than me keeping you at a distance. It only hurts us both to think about what was and can never be again. Let it be.
Dear guy I am talking to on the internet: I don't know you, really. But thanks for just making me feel smart and funny and maybe even a tiny bit desirable. There isn't anything that is going to come of our once a day email, but I enjoy having someone talk to me like an intelligent adult human, even briefly.
The hardest thing I've ever done is summon the strength to keep away from you. You know how much I love you -- we both know you aren't worth it. You have lied, cheated and manipulated me. You've kept me on a string for nearly 6 years, either showering me with affection or withdrawing it. It's a sick version of "he loves me, he loves me not". It breaks my heart to realize that I meant nothing to you -- that when you went on about my beauty, it wasn't just endearments. It really was all you saw of me -- what you called a "flawless body and a beautiful face" were the only things that kept you around. As if that's all there was to see, or maybe you just couldn't be bothered to look any further. Nothing else about me interested you even slightly. I was nothing more than a toy to you.
I know I'll always love you -- but you're toxic to me. I can't trust you as far as I can throw you -- every word you say is a lie. I've tried to leave you before but I always came back. The last time you said you didn't even miss me because you knew I'd be back.
I won't be back any more. You've wasted years of my time, destroyed my self esteem, tried to Gaslight me with your lies, wounded me with your words, dismissed my concerns, denigrated my feelings: I've finally had enough.
It's been months now since I've been in touch with you. I bet you're still expecting me to come crawling back to you.
I wonder how you'll react when it finally sinks in that this time, I'm gone for good.
We've been divorced for a little over a year and you married a person that you'd dated for 2 weeks, is way younger than you and who obviously has an agenda, as you aren't that great of a catch. I honestly don't care what you do unless it affects our children and yes, this is affecting our children in a major way, in a bad major way. You cannot expect them to immediately embrace your new wife and her kids, you just can't. You didn't give them time to get to know her and now you expect them to be all happy and The Brady Bunch. It doesn't help that she's being aggressive with the kids and trying to force them to do things they don't want to do and isn't willing to give them time, not that you are. They have a mother and they have siblings, you can't expect them to totally embrace a new family that is being shoved down their throats.
What really kills me is that you are so in loooove and so happy and nothing else matters. That would be fine if you weren't a dad but you are, they should be a priority to you but they aren't. You're too busy being Father of the Year to your wife's kids and my kids are, once again, getting next to nothing from you. How do you think that make them feel?
You told me that you don't want to end up lonely and alone like your dad. The bad news is that you will. She will eventually get what she wants from you and leave you. Your kids won't have anything to do with you or just give you token visits and you will be alone. But, it will all have been of your own doing. You told them that your 2nd marriage was a chance for you to "do things right" and when our daughter asked why you couldn't do things right with/for them, you had no answer other then it was too late for you and me. Yes, it is too late for us and I wouldn't take you back if you were the last man on the face of the earth, but you have these wonderful kids who love you and only want to spend time with you and you can't seem to get that through your thick head. They will eventually stop trying and caring and when they are older, they'll want nothing or next to nothing to do with you, like what happened with your dad. You are in charge of your destiny and it will happen.
It makes me sick to know that you wouldn't touch me unless you wanted sex, you never in over 20 years paid me a genuine compliment and you acted like you not only didn't like me but you didn't love me and were embarrassed by me. You told me that you were attracted to me because of my sense of humor and because I always had fun. What changed? I sure didn't. I'm still the same person but you changed and for the worse. Now, you're all in love and she's so beautiful and you have to be with her 24/7, you do things with her and her kids, things we could never do because we never had the money. It's sad for our kids and sad for me, as you obviously never really loved me and while I do believe you love them, you are so selfish that you can't or don't want to see how your impulsive and selfish actions are affecting them.
Karma is a bitch and she will find you. You will get what you deserve and I will, once again, pick up the pieces so my children won't be hurt by you, once again.
It is hard to believe I fell in love with such a coward.
I knew I should have been smarter to listen to other people. I knew it was too soon to marry you, I did it because I thought you were the one and you promised me what I had been looking for in a relationship honesty. I remember your exact same words "I promise that I will always tell you the truth no matter how bad it is, and the reason I say this is because I have been hurt before". I knew I had to marry you, but then I realized you were never in love with me, you were just achieving one of your goals in life, checking that to-do list you always carry around. You thought you could fall in love in the way, and you made me believe you loved me and I could trust you. Since the first lie I caught from you, You have never been able to admitt your mistakes, you make a big fight about it, end up saying me that I am stupid, retarded, inmature you ask me to leave the house, give you back the rings, and today it ended with you hitting me for the first time. This marriage is a charade to make you happy in front of your friends, but when we are alone you shut me out, you are cold and you barely talk to me. Oh but thats right you dont talk to me because you say I'm too stupid to understand. Well then you understand this, I WANT OUT.
When you yell at our daughter, for no good reason except that you don't like the way she is being a child? I hate you for it.
We gave each other "hall passes" and I used mine, three days later, with your closest cousin just two days before he baptized our child. I should feel horrible because you and I are still madly in love, but I don't. The thing that I can't stop thinking about was how making love to him was almost exactly like making love to you. You both are eerily similar in bed.
We've been trying to put things right in our marriage. Years of anger and bitterness, and we were doing all right. Until the night I said I didn't want to have sex. And you insisted. So I said I really didn't want to- maybe in the morning, but not then. And You told me I Had to, that it was my job as a Wife. So, instead of fighting, I lay there while you fucked me. I lay there crying, looking away from you. And you just fucked me until you'd finished and said "thanks" and walked out.
You drove a stake into any heart that was left beating in our marriage right then. There is no future with you. I must plan my escape from you, because nobody deserves to be treated like that.